Husband doesn't believe his behavior is abusive - won't seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H can be incredibly selfish and childish. He makes baseless threats in front of our kids that upset them.

Here's latest: H doesn't get home from work until 6:30 so he misses all of DD's practices. His office closed at 3 yesterday so maintenance could do some work on their floor. He got home around 4:30 and DD was so excited that he'd get to go to her practice. She was talking to him about practice and he said he had to work from home and couldn't go. She was, of course, sad and disappointed. All she did was ask "are you sure you can't come?" and that set him off. He said this exactly to her "well, I suppose I could come" with a GD pause to give her hope and then continued "but then that would mean I wouldn't get my work done. And when adults don't get their work done, they get fired. And if I get fired, we'll become homeless. Do you want to be homeless?" Like, WTF?! DD then got very worried about H getting his work done so we wouldn't become homeless.

I think it was in February when we had a string of really nice days, I had the windows open to get fresh air. H, who runs cold, started slamming them closed pretty hard. Not hard enough to break them but harder than normal when shutting windows. I gave me a WTF are you doing look and he started rambling about how if we weren't going to respect his wishes of being warm, he'd look for his own place to live. DS was present in the room and got upset that we were going to get a divorce and dad was moving out. I made H sit and help me reassure DS that H wasn't moving out. DS calmed down but then later that evening when we went out to dinner, we drove by a bus shelter and H made an offhand comment about how that bus shelter would be a great living space for him and probably warmer than the house with all the windows open. DS got upset again and then DD got upset when she saw how upset her big brother was. H then said he wasn't going into a restaurant with 2 kids who were crying, so he headed home. I started making food for everyone and H refused to eat any because that's not what he was craving. He said he'd just starve instead... and again, in front of the kids. I was able to stop them from getting upset by quickly saying haha daddy's kidding. He'll eat later.

He also gives the silent treatment to me if he feels wronged or doesn't get his way. He'll still speak to the kids but will ignore me. I'm sure they notice but they've never said anything about it.

I'm sick of this pattern and behavior. I showed him some articles and videos online to show him that type of behavior was abusive. He doesn't think so and told me I was invalidating his feelings by saying that.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life about this for fear of judgement. It's time to get out, isn't it? Kids are 10 and 7.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve respect and care. Your kids deserve respect and care. Your DH is gaslighting and emotionally abusing you and your kids. You need sole custody otherwise he's going to be alone with the kids.

Disagree. I would call his behavior dysfunctional, immature... but not *abusive*. That's dramatic and potentially manipulative. She'd harm her kids more than he has ever done by tearing the family apart. And honestly, it's ALSO gaslighting to call someone's behavior "abusive" when it isn't clearly so, and not listen to their explanations of why they disagree.

The actual definition of emotional abuse is “using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate a person.” That sounds like exactly what OP’s husband is doing. Trying to make his family members feel shame or blame or to manipulate them in all the examples OP gave.

+1. And using these tactics to undermine someone’s self esteem or mental health which sounds like exactly what OP’s husband is doing. He’s trying to make her and her kids feel badly and/or worry about their physical safety (which would be put in jeopardy if he did lose his job/they became homeless) that’s horribly manipulative and abusive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

+1. Also, OPs post is dripping with resentment so it’s hard to get a read on whether he’s just making bad swing-and-a-miss dad jokes or actually being sincere.

This is a really terrible take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

I run cold. If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly. I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true. If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal. It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this. But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

+1. Also, OPs post is dripping with resentment so it’s hard to get a read on whether he’s just making bad swing-and-a-miss dad jokes or actually being sincere.

This is a really terrible take.

There is nothing even attempting humor in the dads “jokes.” He’s being abusive, manipulative and mean to his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

I run cold. If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly. I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true. If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal. It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this. But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.

Are you really this dense? It’s not about closing the windows or not going to the practice. It’s what he SAID. That’s what emotional abuse is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

I run cold. If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly. I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true. If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal. It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this. But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.

Are you really this dense? It’s not about closing the windows or not going to the practice. It’s what he SAID. That’s what emotional abuse is.

Borderline personality disorder. Look it up. The OP's DH plays a good victim but is so crazy dramatic. I'm a woman who runs cold too but man, I don't go around making stupid threats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

I run cold. If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly. I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true. If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal. It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this. But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.

Wow you really don’t understand what emotional abuse is…maybe go read about it. It’s not at all the same as you just going around shutting windows on a cold day. That’s not what this is about. It’s about how OP’s husband is trying to undermine his kids’ sense of safety and well being by making them fear he’ll lose his job and they’ll be homeless. If you think they’re overreacting then you’ve never witnessed or experienced someone you care deeply about showing such contempt and disregard for you like OP and her kids clearly have. Lucky you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

+1. Also, OPs post is dripping with resentment so it’s hard to get a read on whether he’s just making bad swing-and-a-miss dad jokes or actually being sincere.

You wouldn’t resent someone who repeatedly treats you and your kids like this?

Would the husband be wrong for resenting and rejecting guilt trips from someone who catastrophizes about shutting windows in FEBRUARY as abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

I run cold. If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly. I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true. If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal. It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this. But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.

Wow you really don’t understand what emotional abuse is…maybe go read about it. It’s not at all the same as you just going around shutting windows on a cold day. That’s not what this is about. It’s about how OP’s husband is trying to undermine his kids’ sense of safety and well being by making them fear he’ll lose his job and they’ll be homeless. If you think they’re overreacting then you’ve never witnessed or experienced someone you care deeply about showing such contempt and disregard for you like OP and her kids clearly have. Lucky you.

I stand by what I said: using this standard, OP's DH could describe the exact same events and you would call OP abusive from his POV as long as he flipped the genders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

I run cold. If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly. I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true. If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal. It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this. But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.

Wow you really don’t understand what emotional abuse is…maybe go read about it. It’s not at all the same as you just going around shutting windows on a cold day. That’s not what this is about. It’s about how OP’s husband is trying to undermine his kids’ sense of safety and well being by making them fear he’ll lose his job and they’ll be homeless. If you think they’re overreacting then you’ve never witnessed or experienced someone you care deeply about showing such contempt and disregard for you like OP and her kids clearly have. Lucky you.

I stand by what I said: using this standard, OP's DH could describe the exact same events and you would call OP abusive from his POV as long as he flipped the genders.

I feel sorry for you that you don’t have the capacity to understand this or care enough to learn more about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

I run cold. If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly. I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true. If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal. It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this. But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.

Wow you really don’t understand what emotional abuse is…maybe go read about it. It’s not at all the same as you just going around shutting windows on a cold day. That’s not what this is about. It’s about how OP’s husband is trying to undermine his kids’ sense of safety and well being by making them fear he’ll lose his job and they’ll be homeless. If you think they’re overreacting then you’ve never witnessed or experienced someone you care deeply about showing such contempt and disregard for you like OP and her kids clearly have. Lucky you.

I stand by what I said: using this standard, OP's DH could describe the exact same events and you would call OP abusive from his POV as long as he flipped the genders.

I feel sorry for you that you don’t have the capacity to understand this or care enough to learn more about it.

You're attempting to use your emotions to manipulate me and invalidate my perspective. Gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

I run cold. If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly. I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true. If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal. It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this. But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.

Wow you really don’t understand what emotional abuse is…maybe go read about it. It’s not at all the same as you just going around shutting windows on a cold day. That’s not what this is about. It’s about how OP’s husband is trying to undermine his kids’ sense of safety and well being by making them fear he’ll lose his job and they’ll be homeless. If you think they’re overreacting then you’ve never witnessed or experienced someone you care deeply about showing such contempt and disregard for you like OP and her kids clearly have. Lucky you.

I stand by what I said: using this standard, OP's DH could describe the exact same events and you would call OP abusive from his POV as long as he flipped the genders.

You stand by what you said because you don’t feel like opening your mind to consider that you’re wrong. This has nothing to do w the genders.

[Anonymous]

what an ass. He doesn't respect you or your kids. He doesn't care about your happiness. Make an exit plan. Just think how it will be when your children are teenagers. If you don't leave, they will have no place to be at peace. You and your kids deserve so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

I run cold. If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly. I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true. If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal. It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this. But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.

Are you really this dense? It’s not about closing the windows or not going to the practice. It’s what he SAID. That’s what emotional abuse is.

+1 And pp clearly doesn’t understand that while individually none of these examples might amount to emotional abuse, living with this behavior on a daily basis is definitely emotional abuse. Everyone has said something they regret. One rough comment isn’t abuse. However, dad telling his young children that he will starve or freeze or live in a bus shelter or the whole family will become homeless every time a family member irritates him is manipulative and abusive and will completely warp the kids’ sense of how stable, mature adults communicate. The man has no resilience.

OP, I don’t say this lightly (I did everything I could to save my marriage because I believe divorce is damaging to kids), but continuing to live this way will teach your children that this behavior is normal and something that isn’t a dealbreaker in a relationship. They will suffer some damage either way, but if you break the cycle, you will teach them that you don’t have to stay in a toxic relationship. You have a chance to give them an emotionally healthy, stable home life 50% of the time if you refuse to accept this lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is your only option.