Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, what a selfish and ridiculous post. This woman is insufferable and doubt a girl would please her.

None of these elements are in OP's post. Perhaps you read something else?

[Anonymous]

I know my father absolutely adores me, and we have an incredible devoted relationship. I also know that he had hoped for a son but ended up with two girls. It’s really ok. It’s ok for me to acknowledge that it’s a shame he didn’t have a son and his name died out with me, and it’s ok for me to rest assured in his love for me.

[Anonymous]

My mother in law had sons, and she is very close to my teen daughter. You might be able to have the type of female familial bond just delayed a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, what a selfish and ridiculous post. This woman is insufferable and doubt a girl would please her.

None of these elements are in OP's post. Perhaps you read something else?

They most certainly are. Perhaps you need to comprehend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this so hard as a mom with three sons!

Here is what I have leaned into as my kids have gotten older
1. The brother bond is magical. I had a brother growing up, and I always wished he was a sister (haha) , now as an adult I'm envious of the people that have friendships with their siblings. I think parents always want "one of each" but I think for kids the same gender creates a irreplaceable bond
2. We are raising a tight family unit --- We have created a closeness with our kids and are an affectionate family. My sons are very close. I am hopeful that even as they get older and start their own families that being close to their siblings (and therefore me too) will be important to them.

Lastly - as many people already mentioned there isn't a crystal ball. Where your kid goes to college (and if its close to home), who their future wife is (and what her family is like), the age gap between your kids ... these can all totally change the dynamic of what the future looks like.

I’m raising boys close in age having grown up with a sister, and this too has been eye opening for me. It’s very special.

[Anonymous]

These posts come up a lot. I think people fail to realize how much the world has changed and how much the gender stereotypes about girls loving shopping and staying close to their families etc. have as well. With cell phones and face-time there is zero reason to think that a loving family is going to end up closer to their daughters than their sons. My olde son and daughter are college graduates now, and there is no difference in our level of closeness. Our son likes to call because he’s super-chatty like his dad, and our daughter likes to text because she’s an introvert like me, but both kids check in a lot and come home when they can, and that’s true of almost all our friends with young adult kids.

You really do need to let go of whatever idealized image of family life you grew up with. That way of thinking does no good whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, what a selfish and ridiculous post. This woman is insufferable and doubt a girl would please her.

None of these elements are in OP's post. Perhaps you read something else?

They most certainly are. Perhaps you need to comprehend.

I'm the OP, and they most certainly aren't. I wrote something that many women can relate to but many are afraid to articulate. I'm sorry if it hit a bad note with you. It's not selfish to wonder about having a daughter. "Insufferable"? Why the overreaction? It is a legitimate feeling. A common one. Be kinder please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL had two sons and I know felt this way and I'm going to give you a small and gentle piece of advice based on her experience:

Create closeness with your sons and let go of whatever gender expectations you have that might prevent it.

I understand why you wanted a daughter, but you didn't. Do not let that disappointment rob you of what could be exactly the parent-child bond you need with your existing kids. If your sons do not want to do the feminine things you envisioned doing with a daughter, look at what the do enjoy doing and figure out how you can do some of it with them to forge closeness. Start traditions like taking them out for special 1:1 lunches or treats, create situations where you an talk to each other about your lives. Some suggestions are going for walks and hikes, finding a museum you both like and making it a tradition to go every year or around certain holidays, making a ritual of going for donuts or bagels with just you on Saturday or Sunday morning. Cultivate the kind of close, communicative relationship with them that you envisioned with a daughter. It might not be full of shopping or getting nails done (or it might! I don't know your sons and some boys/men like that stuff) but don't let that stop you from creating the intimacy.

My MIL wrote her sons off because what she really wanted was a daughter. And it frustrates me because I can see how her image of what a mother-daughter relationship is like is idealized and unrealistic (nothing like what I have with my own mom, with whom I am not at all close). But mostly it frustrates me because she has two children! There was nothing stopping her form being close to them except her own preconceptions, and as a result she is not close with either of them and all three of them are little lonely from not having that relationship. My FIL has passed and there is not estrangement but there is distance between the remaining family members and there is no reason for it except silly gender expectations.

Don't make this mistake. You have two kids. This is more than I was blessed to have due to secondary infertility, more than many people have due to infertility or being unable to find a partner or other issues. Don't throw that gift away. Your sons are not girls. Oh well. That doesn't mean they are worthwhile, interesting people. And you are their only mother. You can have a relationship with them that no one else can. Don't pass up this opportunity because you long for a relationship with a daughter who doesn't exist, a relationship that might not even be possible if she did.

Great perspective. Thank you. -- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, what a selfish and ridiculous post. This woman is insufferable and doubt a girl would please her.

None of these elements are in OP's post. Perhaps you read something else?

They most certainly are. Perhaps you need to comprehend.

I'm the OP, and they most certainly aren't. I wrote something that many women can relate to but many are afraid to articulate. I'm sorry if it hit a bad note with you. It's not selfish to wonder about having a daughter. "Insufferable"? Why the overreaction? It is a legitimate feeling. A common one. Be kinder please.

It's a common feeling, OP. I may not have dug deep as much as you but I've definitely wondered what it would have been like having a daughter. Even the silly stuff like the more girlie movies and hair ties and a wider array of "acceptable" colors (boys are fairly limited in color options) and stuff like that.

It's not that my crew of man-children (DH sometimes included) can't participate in all that and sometimes they do but the addition of a girl would have been nice. Even my dog is male.

[Anonymous]

So adopt one, OP!

[Anonymous]

I’m a 52 year old man and still very close to my mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, my adult brothers are very close to my mother. They don't do the "typical" mother/daughter activities, but they love her and are very very close to her. One lives abroad and talks to my mom more than I do (and I'm the daughter).

You don't know what relationship you'll have with your sons until they're grown.

[Anonymous]

I think it's generally correct that daughters remain closer to parents than sons, but I think that's largely a function of women, on average, having more of the childrearing responsibilities. I say this because I feel like people often draw closer to their parents in adulthood once they have their own kids because of the need for support when people have young kids (at least that's what I've noticed). I think for families where the male has primary childrearing responsibilities, I could see that person being closer to his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, what a selfish and ridiculous post. This woman is insufferable and doubt a girl would please her.

So someone is honest and you say she’s selfish & ridiculous. Time to work on your empathy! And btw - her feeling is very very common!! So many of my friends wish they had a daughter. Just like some men wish they had a son. There is nothing “insufferable” about this…

[Anonymous]

MIL has three sons and has never gotten over not having a daughter. Please try to resolve your feelings so that it does not impact your future happiness. Trust me on this.