Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter

[Anonymous]

I have two daughters but that doesn't stop me from thinking what could have been with a son. Totally normal to wonder about the road not taken.

FWIW, my husband is much closer with his mom than his sister. You just never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t stereotype. You may have a son who loves shopping. You might have gotten a daughter who hates it.

+1 My teenage daughter absolutely hates to shop. My son’s always up for anything.

[Anonymous]

My MIL had two sons and I know felt this way and I'm going to give you a small and gentle piece of advice based on her experience:

Create closeness with your sons and let go of whatever gender expectations you have that might prevent it.

I understand why you wanted a daughter, but you didn't. Do not let that disappointment rob you of what could be exactly the parent-child bond you need with your existing kids. If your sons do not want to do the feminine things you envisioned doing with a daughter, look at what the do enjoy doing and figure out how you can do some of it with them to forge closeness. Start traditions like taking them out for special 1:1 lunches or treats, create situations where you an talk to each other about your lives. Some suggestions are going for walks and hikes, finding a museum you both like and making it a tradition to go every year or around certain holidays, making a ritual of going for donuts or bagels with just you on Saturday or Sunday morning. Cultivate the kind of close, communicative relationship with them that you envisioned with a daughter. It might not be full of shopping or getting nails done (or it might! I don't know your sons and some boys/men like that stuff) but don't let that stop you from creating the intimacy.

My MIL wrote her sons off because what she really wanted was a daughter. And it frustrates me because I can see how her image of what a mother-daughter relationship is like is idealized and unrealistic (nothing like what I have with my own mom, with whom I am not at all close). But mostly it frustrates me because she has two children! There was nothing stopping her form being close to them except her own preconceptions, and as a result she is not close with either of them and all three of them are little lonely from not having that relationship. My FIL has passed and there is not estrangement but there is distance between the remaining family members and there is no reason for it except silly gender expectations.

Don't make this mistake. You have two kids. This is more than I was blessed to have due to secondary infertility, more than many people have due to infertility or being unable to find a partner or other issues. Don't throw that gift away. Your sons are not girls. Oh well. That doesn't mean they are worthwhile, interesting people. And you are their only mother. You can have a relationship with them that no one else can. Don't pass up this opportunity because you long for a relationship with a daughter who doesn't exist, a relationship that might not even be possible if she did.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a close relationship with my mom so I’ve not really thought that way about not having a daughter. I think mom-daughter relationships like any relationships can be great but also can be the absolute worst. Just like all girls aren’t the same , all boys aren’t the same either. My boys are very different. One is just like me and the I wonder where he came from (he’s so much kinder and compassionate than me!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two daughters but that doesn't stop me from thinking what could have been with a son. Totally normal to wonder about the road not taken.

FWIW, my husband is much closer with his mom than his sister. You just never know.

Agree, but you are not asking for help to get over not having a son. OP is not just “wondering about the road not taken.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents of all girls feel it as well and I think it's normal. I have two boys as well and I definitely had to come to grips with never having a daughter since I knew were done at two. But seeing how close my boys are to one another is awesome. I am close to my brother but not like my boys are close.

As far as old age goes, we'll see. I will say that is one reason why I never gave up my career for my kids. I've always taken 9-5, flexible jobs to be with them but I never stopped working because I want to have a career to continue when they don't need me as much. Then again, my MIL quit her job to watch my kids and she's just as close to them as my mother. So you just don't know how things are going to work out. There are a lot of factors.

I will say, I am glad that I won't have the worries that come along with teen daughters. Not that teen sons are easy, I know they won't be, but teen daughters are a whole different level of worrying (mostly because of teen boys). I am very adamant about teaching my sons to respect women and to stand up for their female friends. I want my sons to be the ones that parents of teen girls depend on to keep their daughters safe.

That does not apply to me. I have two daughters and when I got pregnant with my third I was really hoping for another girl. It was a boy… and now I am so glad it was not another girl because I did not know then how special is my relationship with my boy.

OP, in my experience, having two of the same sex is great… better even. My daughters are each other’s best friend. They fight, they play, they are always together. They help each other and are always on each other’s corner. I am sure having two boys is similar. I have a brother (younger) and while we get along and spent a lot of time together when little, we were never close and never each other’s confidant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seemingly if OP had a daughter, she still wouldn’t be happy.

Please elaborate on how you know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself.

Really making the rounds this morning, huh?

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and though my mom and I are close, she's closer to my brother, and much closer to his kids.

Try and remember that what you're imagining would not have been a guarantee if you had a girl, and isn't out of reach with your boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself.

Wow, what a helpful comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and though my mom and I are close, she's closer to my brother, and much closer to his kids.

Try and remember that what you're imagining would not have been a guarantee if you had a girl, and isn't out of reach with your boys.

This, and I would even venture to say that your longing for a specific mother-daughter relationship likely would have inhibited closeness with an actual daughter because she would have felt frustrated by your specific expectations for your relationship. In much the same way that your longing for a daughter is currently inhibiting closeness with your sons.

You have to embrace the family you have. Comparing reality to a fantasy is a fools errand no matter what your fantasy looks like. Create closeness with your actual kids and let go of the imagined closeness with your imaginary daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL had two sons and I know felt this way and I'm going to give you a small and gentle piece of advice based on her experience:

Create closeness with your sons and let go of whatever gender expectations you have that might prevent it.

I understand why you wanted a daughter, but you didn't. Do not let that disappointment rob you of what could be exactly the parent-child bond you need with your existing kids. If your sons do not want to do the feminine things you envisioned doing with a daughter, look at what the do enjoy doing and figure out how you can do some of it with them to forge closeness. Start traditions like taking them out for special 1:1 lunches or treats, create situations where you an talk to each other about your lives. Some suggestions are going for walks and hikes, finding a museum you both like and making it a tradition to go every year or around certain holidays, making a ritual of going for donuts or bagels with just you on Saturday or Sunday morning. Cultivate the kind of close, communicative relationship with them that you envisioned with a daughter. It might not be full of shopping or getting nails done (or it might! I don't know your sons and some boys/men like that stuff) but don't let that stop you from creating the intimacy.

My MIL wrote her sons off because what she really wanted was a daughter. And it frustrates me because I can see how her image of what a mother-daughter relationship is like is idealized and unrealistic (nothing like what I have with my own mom, with whom I am not at all close). But mostly it frustrates me because she has two children! There was nothing stopping her form being close to them except her own preconceptions, and as a result she is not close with either of them and all three of them are little lonely from not having that relationship. My FIL has passed and there is not estrangement but there is distance between the remaining family members and there is no reason for it except silly gender expectations.

Don't make this mistake. You have two kids. This is more than I was blessed to have due to secondary infertility, more than many people have due to infertility or being unable to find a partner or other issues. Don't throw that gift away. Your sons are not girls. Oh well. That doesn't mean they are worthwhile, interesting people. And you are their only mother. You can have a relationship with them that no one else can. Don't pass up this opportunity because you long for a relationship with a daughter who doesn't exist, a relationship that might not even be possible if she did.

This is a great post. I also have secondary infertility, could only have one, and am so grateful for the one I have. Life just doesn’t always turn out exactly the way you imagine it, and nobody gets everything. Acknowledge that the daughter in your head is an imaginary one, say a wistful goodbye, and focus on what you have. You have so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself.

Really making the rounds this morning, huh?

Yes, it seems as though you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and though my mom and I are close, she's closer to my brother, and much closer to his kids.

Try and remember that what you're imagining would not have been a guarantee if you had a girl, and isn't out of reach with your boys.

This, and I would even venture to say that your longing for a specific mother-daughter relationship likely would have inhibited closeness with an actual daughter because she would have felt frustrated by your specific expectations for your relationship. In much the same way that your longing for a daughter is currently inhibiting closeness with your sons.

You have to embrace the family you have. Comparing reality to a fantasy is a fools errand no matter what your fantasy looks like. Create closeness with your actual kids and let go of the imagined closeness with your imaginary daughter.

Yes, I am appalled that the OP wrote the things she did.

[Anonymous]

I have two sons and I have a small longing for a girl. I don't think, though, that I would be guaranteed closeness to a daughter. My mom and I don't have that kind of relationship. If I could have had a third, I would have liked a daughter. I miscarried a girl at 14 weeks so I think about her.

My boys are great. Sweet and loving. I hope to remain close to them, as appropriate and normal for moms and sons, as they grow older. But, yes, it would have been lovely to have had that daughter too.