Reply to Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My MIL had two sons and I know felt this way and I'm going to give you a small and gentle piece of advice based on her experience:

Create closeness with your sons and let go of whatever gender expectations you have that might prevent it.

I understand why you wanted a daughter, but you didn't. Do not let that disappointment rob you of what could be exactly the parent-child bond you need with your existing kids. If your sons do not want to do the feminine things you envisioned doing with a daughter, look at what the do enjoy doing and figure out how you can do some of it with them to forge closeness. Start traditions like taking them out for special 1:1 lunches or treats, create situations where you an talk to each other about your lives. Some suggestions are going for walks and hikes, finding a museum you both like and making it a tradition to go every year or around certain holidays, making a ritual of going for donuts or bagels with just you on Saturday or Sunday morning. Cultivate the kind of close, communicative relationship with them that you envisioned with a daughter. It might not be full of shopping or getting nails done (or it might! I don't know your sons and some boys/men like that stuff) but don't let that stop you from creating the intimacy.

My MIL wrote her sons off because what she really wanted was a daughter. And it frustrates me because I can see how her image of what a mother-daughter relationship is like is idealized and unrealistic (nothing like what I have with my own mom, with whom I am not at all close). But mostly it frustrates me because she has two children! There was nothing stopping her form being close to them except her own preconceptions, and as a result she is not close with either of them and all three of them are little lonely from not having that relationship. My FIL has passed and there is not estrangement but there is distance between the remaining family members and there is no reason for it except silly gender expectations.

Don't make this mistake. You have two kids. This is more than I was blessed to have due to secondary infertility, more than many people have due to infertility or being unable to find a partner or other issues. Don't throw that gift away. Your sons are not girls. Oh well. That doesn't mean they are worthwhile, interesting people. And you are their only mother. You can have a relationship with them that no one else can. Don't pass up this opportunity because you long for a relationship with a daughter who doesn't exist, a relationship that might not even be possible if she did.[/quote]

Great perspective. Thank you. -- OP[/quote]

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