Step children and family rules

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

OP here,

My step kids maternal grandparents live in a different state, dh and mine live 30 minutes away from us. Step kids visit out of state grandparents on holidays and summer break. My kids have no contact with them, because it's long distance and they have my parents locally. I am not forcing anyone on my parents. I am asking for fair treatments period. The other set of grandparents are not financially set to be pay for expensive trips and etc.

Interesting. So it’s okay for your stepdaughters to visit their maternal grandparents without their sisters?

The stepdaughters don’t have to take a stand against their maternal grandparents so they can vacation with their sisters?

What a massive hypocrite you are.

[Anonymous]

Stepmoms can’t really freaking win, can they?

If she had let her bio-daughters go on the trip, she’d be excoriated for allowing her bio-kids to have a wonderful experience while her poor forsaken step-kids had to stay at home…

OP — I don’t think there is a right answer to this, it sucks, and is one of the many ways blended families are unfair to almost everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound lovely.

My dad adopted my sister, you would never know she wasn’t his child biology.

When my sister married someone with children already, my parents treated them just like my sister’s bio child, including taking them on vacation, picking them up from school, etc.

My sister’s stepson now has his own kids (including step kids) - those kids get the same treatment at Christmas.

This is not hard and your parents are crappy for it. Maybe Paris is too much for 4, but you don’t only say half the group if it isn’t already part of your pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stepmoms can’t really freaking win, can they?

If she had let her bio-daughters go on the trip, she’d be excoriated for allowing her bio-kids to have a wonderful experience while her poor forsaken step-kids had to stay at home…

OP — I don’t think there is a right answer to this, it sucks, and is one of the many ways blended families are unfair to almost everyone involved.

There is a right choice to this: It involves the mom acting like a grown up and not forcing her 12 year old daughter to choose between her half sisters and her grandparents. It’s the parents job to facilitate these relationships NOT put a 12 year old in an impossible position so mom can feel self righteous.

The mom has a hundred excuses for why the stepdaughters’ maternal grandparents are completely right to ignore her daughters. Yet, she wants to crucify her own parents for wanting to go on a trip with their bio grandchildren??? She then admits that the stepdaughters go on trips to visit their maternal grandparents without their half sisters all the time!!!!

Are you for real OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has two daughters from a previous marriage. The girls are 14 and 16 years old. Custody is 50/50 with the ex-wife, the girls come over Thursday after school through Sunday evening. It's been the same schedule for the past 10 years, since the girls were younger. And super close to them and I treat them well because I love them and I want the best for them always. Dh and I have two girls, age 12 and 10. The kids get along and we treat them equally all the time. The only difference is my parents don't seem to want anything to do with my step kids. We try really hard not to have my parents over when the girls are with us. My parents asked to take my girls to Paris for spring break, and I refused unless they include my step kids. Dh said we can take them somewhere else and make it special. I disagree. My 12 year old called out my parents and is refusing to go. What's our next step?

My two cents:

I think by trying to have your parents over when the other two girls are away, made the problem worse. It means that your parents never have a chance to develop a relationship with your step children- so after 12 years, they don't have a relationship. It doesn't mean that they would have had a more positive one if they had been around them, but it means that they never had a chance.

I think the next step is with a trained professional that can work with you and your DH to figure out how to go from here. This is not unique and there should be people who have seen this before to help you get to a place where you are happier with the situation.

You say that your older girls see their maternal grandparents over breaks and in the summer.

Since your parents have provided for college for your two biological daughters, it makes it easier for you to fund college for the other two. So, there is that. Same if they add money to future expenses like weddings or down payments.

Historically, how did your parents react when you started dating and married your DH? How did they react to him having a 1 and 3 year old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound lovely.

My dad adopted my sister, you would never know she wasn’t his child biology.

When my sister married someone with children already, my parents treated them just like my sister’s bio child, including taking them on vacation, picking them up from school, etc.

My sister’s stepson now has his own kids (including step kids) - those kids get the same treatment at Christmas.

This is not hard and your parents are crappy for it. Maybe Paris is too much for 4, but you don’t only say half the group if it isn’t already part of your pattern.

An adopted child is nothing like a stepchild. OP’s stepchildren have a mother who loves them and they live with her half the time. Just the fact that you think this situation is anything like an adoption shows you have no idea what you’re talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound lovely.

My dad adopted my sister, you would never know she wasn’t his child biology.

When my sister married someone with children already, my parents treated them just like my sister’s bio child, including taking them on vacation, picking them up from school, etc.

My sister’s stepson now has his own kids (including step kids) - those kids get the same treatment at Christmas.

This is not hard and your parents are crappy for it. Maybe Paris is too much for 4, but you don’t only say half the group if it isn’t already part of your pattern.

An adopted child is nothing like a stepchild. OP’s stepchildren have a mother who loves them and they live with her half the time. Just the fact that you think this situation is anything like an adoption shows you have no idea what you’re talking about.

1.) He didn’t have to adopt her. And, I have had multiple people try to describe her as my “half” sister - we were not raised like that. She is just my sister.
2.) did you read the rest of the post where there are “step grandchildren” and my parents treat them just like their biological grandchildren?

It is a choice to love someone, biologically related or not. Her parents made this choice years ago and I have no patience for such people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has two daughters from a previous marriage. The girls are 14 and 16 years old. Custody is 50/50 with the ex-wife, the girls come over Thursday after school through Sunday evening. It's been the same schedule for the past 10 years, since the girls were younger. And super close to them and I treat them well because I love them and I want the best for them always. Dh and I have two girls, age 12 and 10. The kids get along and we treat them equally all the time. The only difference is my parents don't seem to want anything to do with my step kids. We try really hard not to have my parents over when the girls are with us. My parents asked to take my girls to Paris for spring break, and I refused unless they include my step kids. Dh said we can take them somewhere else and make it special. I disagree. My 12 year old called out my parents and is refusing to go. What's our next step?

My two cents:

I think by trying to have your parents over when the other two girls are away, made the problem worse. It means that your parents never have a chance to develop a relationship with your step children- so after 12 years, they don't have a relationship. It doesn't mean that they would have had a more positive one if they had been around them, but it means that they never had a chance.

I think the next step is with a trained professional that can work with you and your DH to figure out how to go from here. This is not unique and there should be people who have seen this before to help you get to a place where you are happier with the situation.

You say that your older girls see their maternal grandparents over breaks and in the summer.

Since your parents have provided for college for your two biological daughters, it makes it easier for you to fund college for the other two. So, there is that. Same if they add money to future expenses like weddings or down payments.

Historically, how did your parents react when you started dating and married your DH? How did they react to him having a 1 and 3 year old?

+1. His daughters were very, very young when he ditched his first wife for you, and created two additional children in a short time. So, he had 4 daughters under the age of 6 with two different women? That gets complicated fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound lovely.

My dad adopted my sister, you would never know she wasn’t his child biology.

When my sister married someone with children already, my parents treated them just like my sister’s bio child, including taking them on vacation, picking them up from school, etc.

My sister’s stepson now has his own kids (including step kids) - those kids get the same treatment at Christmas.

This is not hard and your parents are crappy for it. Maybe Paris is too much for 4, but you don’t only say half the group if it isn’t already part of your pattern.

An adopted child is nothing like a stepchild. OP’s stepchildren have a mother who loves them and they live with her half the time. Just the fact that you think this situation is anything like an adoption shows you have no idea what you’re talking about.

1.) He didn’t have to adopt her. And, I have had multiple people try to describe her as my “half” sister - we were not raised like that. She is just my sister.
2.) did you read the rest of the post where there are “step grandchildren” and my parents treat them just like their biological grandchildren?

It is a choice to love someone, biologically related or not. Her parents made this choice years ago and I have no patience for such people.

Of course he didn’t have to adopt her. It’s wonderful that he wanted to, but for that to be an option it means your sister’s bio father was not in her life. This is where you’re missing the point: Even if OP wanted to adopt her stepkids, that is not an option because these girls already have a mother who love and care for them.

No matter how much OP wants to pretend otherwise, the stepdaughters already have a mother.

No matter how much OP wants to pretend otherwise, the stepdaughters already have maternal grandparents who they visit WITHOUT their half sisters. OP is creating a weird situation where the stepdaughters are allowed to have one on one visits with their maternal grandparents but it’s somehow horrible for her daughters maternal grandparents to have one on one visits with their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

That sounds nice and all, but I’m thinking of my two children and how hard it is to find common things that they both like for a week for mine in elementary and mine in high school. You are asking a lot of the grandparents to take 4 kids to Paris.

OP here,

The trip to Paris is just one example, tickets to concert, and other high end activities they always exclude my step kids. My dh and I have try to be nice and not set boundaries with my parents, but this trip was just the end of it.
I will allowed my 10 year old daughter to go with my parents and my dh and I will plan a different vacation for the three kids. My 12 year old refused completely. She wants to vacation with her sisters.

OP - I think these posters who are defending your parents are cruel. You have raised these girls since they were little. Would these posters discriminate against an adopted child? Because that is basically what this family looks like. It isn't as though they were 16 when you got married. Your parents are harboring an old school attitude that frankly is ugly. I think that I would have made a bigger stink about it a long time ago. What's good for one child is good for all the kids. What is important is YOUR attitude, not theirs. If you treat these girls as daughters, then your parents should respect that and act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has two daughters from a previous marriage. The girls are 14 and 16 years old. Custody is 50/50 with the ex-wife, the girls come over Thursday after school through Sunday evening. It's been the same schedule for the past 10 years, since the girls were younger. And super close to them and I treat them well because I love them and I want the best for them always. Dh and I have two girls, age 12 and 10. The kids get along and we treat them equally all the time. The only difference is my parents don't seem to want anything to do with my step kids. We try really hard not to have my parents over when the girls are with us. My parents asked to take my girls to Paris for spring break, and I refused unless they include my step kids. Dh said we can take them somewhere else and make it special. I disagree. My 12 year old called out my parents and is refusing to go. What's our next step?

My two cents:

I think by trying to have your parents over when the other two girls are away, made the problem worse. It means that your parents never have a chance to develop a relationship with your step children- so after 12 years, they don't have a relationship. It doesn't mean that they would have had a more positive one if they had been around them, but it means that they never had a chance.

I think the next step is with a trained professional that can work with you and your DH to figure out how to go from here. This is not unique and there should be people who have seen this before to help you get to a place where you are happier with the situation.

You say that your older girls see their maternal grandparents over breaks and in the summer.

Since your parents have provided for college for your two biological daughters, it makes it easier for you to fund college for the other two. So, there is that. Same if they add money to future expenses like weddings or down payments.

Historically, how did your parents react when you started dating and married your DH? How did they react to him having a 1 and 3 year old?

+1. His daughters were very, very young when he ditched his first wife for you, and created two additional children in a short time. So, he had 4 daughters under the age of 6 with two different women? That gets complicated fast.

Haha! I can see why OP’s parents were wary of the situation. They probably figured the guy was flaky and they’d probably divorce too. I can see why they didn’t want to get too attached to the stepdaughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

That sounds nice and all, but I’m thinking of my two children and how hard it is to find common things that they both like for a week for mine in elementary and mine in high school. You are asking a lot of the grandparents to take 4 kids to Paris.

OP here,

The trip to Paris is just one example, tickets to concert, and other high end activities they always exclude my step kids. My dh and I have try to be nice and not set boundaries with my parents, but this trip was just the end of it.
I will allowed my 10 year old daughter to go with my parents and my dh and I will plan a different vacation for the three kids. My 12 year old refused completely. She wants to vacation with her sisters.

OP - I think these posters who are defending your parents are cruel. You have raised these girls since they were little. Would these posters discriminate against an adopted child? Because that is basically what this family looks like. It isn't as though they were 16 when you got married. Your parents are harboring an old school attitude that frankly is ugly. I think that I would have made a bigger stink about it a long time ago. What's good for one child is good for all the kids. What is important is YOUR attitude, not theirs. If you treat these girls as daughters, then your parents should respect that and act accordingly.

Here’s what’s ugly:

Stepdaughters solo trips to maternal grandparents are allowed and encouraged.

Daughter’s solo trip with maternal grandparents are banned/vilified as disrespectful of half sisters. Daughters must choose between grandparents and half sisters. That’s really ugly.

[Anonymous]

Fair does not mean equal, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think you are correct , op. If your parents treated all the kids kindly then perhaps this special trip just for two kids wouldn't be a big deal. They created a problematic dynamic, now they have to deal with the fall out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are correct , op. If your parents treated all the kids kindly then perhaps this special trip just for two kids wouldn't be a big deal. They created a problematic dynamic, now they have to deal with the fall out.

Didn’t OP create a problematic dynamic by allowing her stepdaughters to have solo vacations with their maternal grandparents? Why are her parents the villains for wanting the same with their grandchildren?

It’s a weird rule that only the stepdaughters are allowed to go on trips with their maternal grandparents without their half sisters. Lots of people have different rules for different kids, but stop pretending that you’re treating the girls equally. You’re not.