Step children and family rules

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

I don’t think that’s the right comparison because the step-daughters’ mother is no longer married to the father. The comparison would be if their mom was remarried and how their stepfather’s parents treated them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

I don’t think that’s the right comparison because the step-daughters’ mother is no longer married to the father. The comparison would be if their mom was remarried and how their stepfather’s parents treated them.

No, disagree. These are still the half siblings of their grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I respect you OP. You are doing your best to be honorable to your 4 kids.

Unfortunately you can't make other people feel the same way you do. Your parents' are small hearted people who couldn't bring themselves to love 2 and 4 year old children their daughter helped raise from toddlerhood. They don't respect the family you have built.

On the other hand, this is at least partially due to the decisions you and especially your husband made decades ago around the timing of his various marriages and kids. Objectively, his basic character is pretty suspect and your parents likely don't trust him.

In your shoes, I would let any kid who is interested go on the trip with your parents, but not force your 12 year old to go. Stop trying to force equal treatment from people you can't control, but continue to support all your kids as equally as you can with your own resources.

If your children want to talk about the perceived inequity, don't get defensive, but acknowledge that it's a complicated situation and you love them all the same and will do your best to treat everyone fairly.

These aren't HER kids. These kids have a mother. The grandparents do stuff but not equal, which is appropriate. OP has no boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I asked my 14 yo. She felt it’s all the kids or none and grandparents are jerks. She would not go to Paris without step sisters.

FWIW

They are not their grandparents!

[Anonymous]

I disagree, OP. You are a blended family. Do you expect your stepchildren’s maternal grandparents to take them on their vacations, too? After all, they are half-siblings.

(The answer should be, of course not! Your DH’s exams parents are not your children’s grandparents, nor are your parents your stepchildren’s grandparents.)

Shoot, if I was the mom, I certainly would NOT allow my children to go to Paris with my ex-husband’s new wife’s parents!!!! That is BONKERS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree, OP. You are a blended family. Do you expect your stepchildren’s maternal grandparents to take them on their vacations, too? After all, they are half-siblings.

(The answer should be, of course not! Your DH’s exams parents are not your children’s grandparents, nor are your parents your stepchildren’s grandparents.)

Shoot, if I was the mom, I certainly would NOT allow my children to go to Paris with my ex-husband’s new wife’s parents!!!! That is BONKERS.

She’s not a new wife, they’ve been married 12 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree, OP. You are a blended family. Do you expect your stepchildren’s maternal grandparents to take them on their vacations, too? After all, they are half-siblings.

(The answer should be, of course not! Your DH’s exams parents are not your children’s grandparents, nor are your parents your stepchildren’s grandparents.)

Shoot, if I was the mom, I certainly would NOT allow my children to go to Paris with my ex-husband’s new wife’s parents!!!! That is BONKERS.

She’s not a new wife, they’ve been married 12 years

If I were the mom of the girls in question and knew that there was not a close relationship between my children and their step grandparents, why would I want them to go on this trip? Maybe it’s a teaching moment that not every gift given is appropriate to receive (especially if that gift were offered after a power struggle between step mom and her parents).

[Anonymous]

OP here,

My 16-year-old step daughter came to me and we had a chat about spring break and other things that's been happening with our family. She knows that I'm really upset with my parents with their behavior and not because spring break the situation. My step daughter is smart, patient, and understanding. She knows the struggles that I had with my parents, but she wanted me to know that was okay if her sisters vacation with their grandparents only. She had a talk with her mom last week and her mom explained reasons and how people act towards their own grandkids and step kids. I'm not trying to minimize my parents relationship with my kids but when they make it so obvious, how they treat them so differently, that's what upsets me. The 16-year-old knows and understands but that shouldn't be the case.

Financially, my husband and I are in a better position to provide for vacations and extra activity for the kids. My parents providing for my kids does help a lot and we can allocate more money for my step kids. There's nothing wrong with that and I do appreciate it, all I wanted was for my parents to treat them fairly not always monetarily but don't exclude them from their sisters and such obvious way. Going to Paris for spring break it's nice that's not the end of the world, and it's only fair that my step kids have something similar not just a weekend or whatever some random City. My kids and step kids all attend private schools paid for by myself and husband. step kids mom is a teacher as I mentioned earlier, in a private school, she was generous enough to share her discount with all of us. My husband and I cover the balance after the discount, the girls all have been attending the same school since kindergarten.

We are a strong family, well to do, I am not money hungry and using my parents wealth to take care of my family or responsibility. My parents voluntarily wanted to take care of my kids education and other activities since day one. I'm not using them all their wealth, but from now on there will be no more separate vacations for my kids and step kids. I should have stopped this separate treatment from the beginning but now it stops.

I mentioned the girls schools because my parents wanted my kids to go to a different School next year without their sisters. My husband and I have agree not to switch schools. We like the current School, the girls are happy, and it's within our budget.

[Anonymous]

OP, in one paragraph, you talk about how your spending more on your step kids because your parents’ generosity with their two grandchildren frees up more of your income. Then a couple of paragraphs later, you talk about how well to do you are. You are talking out of both sides of your mouth. You’ve been accepting handouts for years because per your own words it allows you to do more for your step children. Guess what: you owe your lifestyle to your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree, OP. You are a blended family. Do you expect your stepchildren’s maternal grandparents to take them on their vacations, too? After all, they are half-siblings.

(The answer should be, of course not! Your DH’s exams parents are not your children’s grandparents, nor are your parents your stepchildren’s grandparents.)

Shoot, if I was the mom, I certainly would NOT allow my children to go to Paris with my ex-husband’s new wife’s parents!!!! That is BONKERS.

She’s not a new wife, they’ve been married 12 years

She’s his new wife after her. His second wife. So, no. I am a stepmom myself and I certainly would not expect my stepchild’s mother to be okay with her traveling with my parents abroad. It is utterly absurd. And should we divorce, I would certainly not consent to my children traveling with my ex’s next wife’s parents to Paris. Absolutely not. How is this even a thing?

[Anonymous]

Clearly the OP has some arcane ulterior motive behind all this. Now she's punishing her own daughters and the grandparents by forbidding them from taking trips together.

It's almost as if OPs agenda is to establish some kind of precedent that her parents have an obligation to subsidize OPs stepchildren. Is this some kind of bizarre scheme to bribe the step kids in the hope that OP can alienate their affections from their mom, in OPs favor?

Obviously some important facts are missing
I suspect they wouldn't reflect well in OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly the OP has some arcane ulterior motive behind all this. Now she's punishing her own daughters and the grandparents by forbidding them from taking trips together.

It's almost as if OPs agenda is to establish some kind of precedent that her parents have an obligation to subsidize OPs stepchildren. Is this some kind of bizarre scheme to bribe the step kids in the hope that OP can alienate their affections from their mom, in OPs favor?

Obviously some important facts are missing
I suspect they wouldn't reflect well in OP.

I thought the same about OPs intent towards her parents. So, they say yes to the Paris trip -does this open a flood gate? If they are now on the hook for equal treatment, tuition and other life expenses are not off the table. OP, herself, has stated that this is what she wants and she should have demanded it before, that all children be treated exactly the same by her parents. She’s more than willing to let granny and gramps fund her two, so even better if they fund all 4.

DH definitely found his gravy train.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here,

My 16-year-old step daughter came to me and we had a chat about spring break and other things that's been happening with our family. She knows that I'm really upset with my parents with their behavior and not because spring break the situation. My step daughter is smart, patient, and understanding. She knows the struggles that I had with my parents, but she wanted me to know that was okay if her sisters vacation with their grandparents only. She had a talk with her mom last week and her mom explained reasons and how people act towards their own grandkids and step kids. I'm not trying to minimize my parents relationship with my kids but when they make it so obvious, how they treat them so differently, that's what upsets me. The 16-year-old knows and understands but that shouldn't be the case.

Financially, my husband and I are in a better position to provide for vacations and extra activity for the kids. My parents providing for my kids does help a lot and we can allocate more money for my step kids. There's nothing wrong with that and I do appreciate it, all I wanted was for my parents to treat them fairly not always monetarily but don't exclude them from their sisters and such obvious way. Going to Paris for spring break it's nice that's not the end of the world, and it's only fair that my step kids have something similar not just a weekend or whatever some random City. My kids and step kids all attend private schools paid for by myself and husband. step kids mom is a teacher as I mentioned earlier, in a private school, she was generous enough to share her discount with all of us. My husband and I cover the balance after the discount, the girls all have been attending the same school since kindergarten.

We are a strong family, well to do, I am not money hungry and using my parents wealth to take care of my family or responsibility. My parents voluntarily wanted to take care of my kids education and other activities since day one. I'm not using them all their wealth, but from now on there will be no more separate vacations for my kids and step kids. I should have stopped this separate treatment from the beginning but now it stops.

I mentioned the girls schools because my parents wanted my kids to go to a different School next year without their sisters. My husband and I have agree not to switch schools. We like the current School, the girls are happy, and it's within our budget.

This sounds fake and you are wealthy so stop being greedy. And, pay more child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly the OP has some arcane ulterior motive behind all this. Now she's punishing her own daughters and the grandparents by forbidding them from taking trips together.

It's almost as if OPs agenda is to establish some kind of precedent that her parents have an obligation to subsidize OPs stepchildren. Is this some kind of bizarre scheme to bribe the step kids in the hope that OP can alienate their affections from their mom, in OPs favor?

Obviously some important facts are missing
I suspect they wouldn't reflect well in OP.

She is a money grubbing leach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are completely wrong.

While it's wonderful you treat them as your own daughters and feel a strong connection, you can't expect that from your parents.
As long as they're polite/nice with them, just let it go, you can't force them to love them.

I'd let them take your daughters to Paris and do something else with your husband's daughters. They are not owed anything by your parents, don't be jealous about the whole situation or you'll be unhappy for years ...

Uh, yes, you can. And while you can't FORCE them to, you can set boundaries on them that are within your zone of influence. Frankly, I would not have any part of their parsing out who is their "real" granddaughters or not.