Step children and family rules

[Anonymous]

My husband has two daughters from a previous marriage. The girls are 14 and 16 years old. Custody is 50/50 with the ex-wife, the girls come over Thursday after school through Sunday evening. It's been the same schedule for the past 10 years, since the girls were younger. And super close to them and I treat them well because I love them and I want the best for them always. Dh and I have two girls, age 12 and 10. The kids get along and we treat them equally all the time. The only difference is my parents don't seem to want anything to do with my step kids. We try really hard not to have my parents over when the girls are with us. My parents asked to take my girls to Paris for spring break, and I refused unless they include my step kids. Dh said we can take them somewhere else and make it special. I disagree. My 12 year old called out my parents and is refusing to go. What's our next step?

[Anonymous]

Your 12 year old is following your lead.

Your parents are presumably elderly. Taking along four vs two teens is a lot.

I agree it would have been fine as long as you and your husband took the other two girls someplace great.

[Anonymous]

Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

[Anonymous]

Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

[Anonymous]

I think you are completely wrong.

While it's wonderful you treat them as your own daughters and feel a strong connection, you can't expect that from your parents.
As long as they're polite/nice with them, just let it go, you can't force them to love them.

I'd let them take your daughters to Paris and do something else with your husband's daughters. They are not owed anything by your parents, don't be jealous about the whole situation or you'll be unhappy for years ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are completely wrong.

While it's wonderful you treat them as your own daughters and feel a strong connection, you can't expect that from your parents.
As long as they're polite/nice with them, just let it go, you can't force them to love them.

I'd let them take your daughters to Paris and do something else with your husband's daughters. They are not owed anything by your parents, don't be jealous about the whole situation or you'll be unhappy for years ...

OP here,
Unfortunately, dh agrees also. I can't make my parents love them and treat the kids equally

[Anonymous]

That crazy, they've known one of these girls since she was 2! She doesn't remember her life before them! How heartless. Regardless, you should let the girls take the trip and take them somewhere else, like the beach. Maybe something older girls will enjoy more, like New York. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are completely wrong.

While it's wonderful you treat them as your own daughters and feel a strong connection, you can't expect that from your parents.
As long as they're polite/nice with them, just let it go, you can't force them to love them.

I'd let them take your daughters to Paris and do something else with your husband's daughters. They are not owed anything by your parents, don't be jealous about the whole situation or you'll be unhappy for years ...

OP here,
Unfortunately, dh agrees also. I can't make my parents love them and treat the kids equally

I disagree with the PP. You can't MAKE your parents love them and treat them equally, but you should be able to talk to them about how hurtful this is to YOU, their daughter. I cannot imagine disrespecting the family of my child in this way, especially, if you've been helping to raise these girls since they were small. I was part of a blended family and think this would cause resentment, even if they seem OK with it on the outside. Tell your parents that this trip is off. You and DH should take all of the girls somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought that life isn't fair and yes you have helped raise your stepdaughters for 10 years but biologically they are not related to your parents and you can't fault them for feeling how they do. Your stepdaughter have another set of maternal grandparents while your children just have your parents. Would you expect if there other maternal grandparents took them on vacation to take your children no. Then why force your parents to take your stepdaughters. They want to share this experience with your daughters stop making a bigger deal out of it.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar dynamic in my family of origin. "My" grandparents' rejection certainly hurt me but it was my parents' acceptance of their behavior that really cut me to my core. Teens are still vulnerable and need as much love and support that you can provide. Do what's best for your children even if that may not be what's best for your parents.

[Anonymous]

As a stepchild myself, I applaud you for putting your foot down! Seriously I hope your step daughters appreciate how wonderful you are (when they’re older; I’m not sure that any teenager appreciates what they have).

Your husband is wrong. Kids know when they’re getting a consolation prize and when they aren’t wanted. If your husband insists, I would strongly encourage you to talk to the step kids about it and let them share their feelings rather than pretending everything is okay.

[Anonymous]

The real question is, how do you let your parents get away with this behavior for 10 years? They’re toxic and shouldn’t have access to any of the kids.

Nope, your parents go to Paris without any kids and you and your husband take all four of them on a trip.

Or this is a troll pose because any trip to Paris over spring break should’ve been planned months ago.

[Anonymous]

The solution is for you to stop being a crappy parent to your younger children and let them go with their grandparents.

There is a big difference between taking 2 children on an international trip and 4. You are being ridiculous. Do you really think your stepchildren don’t go on special trips with their mom’s side of the family? You are the problem here and you’re hurting ALL the kids with your version of “treating the kids equally” which is anything but.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s okay for your parents to take two grandchild alone and it has nothing to do with being step kids. It’s their ages. My parents always want to take the 4 cousins on a trip and I tell them no. The cousins get along but I tell them it would be too much for them and not the fun bonding experience they are envisioning. Your situation with the age spread is similar. A 10 yo is very different than a 16 yo. Totally fine to do separate trips with the two oldest and two youngest foe that reason alone. I understand your parents were not offering a separate trip for your step children but yes, you could have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.