Step children and family rules

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

That sounds nice and all, but I’m thinking of my two children and how hard it is to find common things that they both like for a week for mine in elementary and mine in high school. You are asking a lot of the grandparents to take 4 kids to Paris.

OP here,

The trip to Paris is just one example, tickets to concert, and other high end activities they always exclude my step kids. My dh and I have try to be nice and not set boundaries with my parents, but this trip was just the end of it.
I will allowed my 10 year old daughter to go with my parents and my dh and I will plan a different vacation for the three kids. My 12 year old refused completely. She wants to vacation with her sisters.

This is completely your fault. Your 12 year old is taking your cues and distancing herself from her grandparents because you created a false choice. Even your husband recognizes that this quest for equality is a farce. You are failing your oldest daughter in a really appalling way.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m a stepmother who’s parents have definitely not embraced by DSC and have embraced my DCs (they are half-siblings). So I get it. We have been married almost 10 years, so it’s not going to change at this point. My parents distinguish between “blood” relatives and not blood relatives, and nothing I can say otherwise will change their minds. So I totally get where you are coming from.

That being said, send your two kids on the trip with your folks. They will make a lifetime of memories, and it won’t reduce the sibling bond, which seems strong. The grandparent relationship is special, and let your kids enjoy it.

Frankly, it’s your parents loss to not decide to embrace two additional grandchildren. Your stepchildren aren’t really losing anything - they have grandparents and it’s not like your parents embraced them and then rejected them, so their aren’t hurt feelings.

My DSC’s other parent remarried and her new DH’s parents have embraced my DSC, and I am happy for him, but I also don’t think he is as attached to them as his “blood” grandparents, since he doesn’t call them to share news, although he does enjoy seeing them (they are the only local grandparents).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

Sorry, but you are in the wrong here. It's your parents' money and if they don't want to share it with two unrelated kids who have their own grandparents (two sets presumably!) there is nothing wrong with that. Your husband's parents are biologically the grand parents of all four kids. That's a huge difference.

You sound really entitled and a little off in making this a hill to die on.

Refusing one trip isn’t really dying on a hill.

She’s turning her daughters against their grandparents and sabotaging their relationship. She already succeeded with the oldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

That sounds nice and all, but I’m thinking of my two children and how hard it is to find common things that they both like for a week for mine in elementary and mine in high school. You are asking a lot of the grandparents to take 4 kids to Paris.

OP here,

The trip to Paris is just one example, tickets to concert, and other high end activities they always exclude my step kids. My dh and I have try to be nice and not set boundaries with my parents, but this trip was just the end of it.
I will allowed my 10 year old daughter to go with my parents and my dh and I will plan a different vacation for the three kids. My 12 year old refused completely. She wants to vacation with her sisters.

This is completely your fault. Your 12 year old is taking your cues and distancing herself from her grandparents because you created a false choice. Even your husband recognizes that this quest for equality is a farce. You are failing your oldest daughter in a really appalling way.

You’re a terrible parent for turning this into a choice in the first place. I just can’t emphasize enough how much you suck as a mom for presenting this as a choice between her sisters and her grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I think you need to acknowledge you have mis-handled this. The time to take a stand was at the beginning! Back when gifts were things like coloring books and trips were to the ice cream place. But instead you kept the grandparents apart from the children you say you want them to think of as their grandchildren. And now you're on your high horse that the grandparents are following your lead of not spending time with them? WTF. Sorry, no. If this were so important to you, you should have handled it differently.

Look, not everyone gets the family they wanted. Your stepchildren probably wanted happily married parents. Maybe they would have wanted the ink to dry on their parents' divorce before their dad started dating, hmm?
Maybe you wanted a husband who wasn't freshly divorced. And you being disappointed by your own parents' approach here is just one more flavor of disappointment. Everyone's disappointed by their families sometimes. That's the way it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

[Anonymous]

I think it is pretty obvious that the grandparents pay for a significant amount of the niceties of your children lives from Paris to high end activities. OP, YOU need to take care of your family. Why do you allow your parents to buy their way in? Have they paid for other things? House downpayment and funding the grandchildren’s college fund? And, please don’t say they have the money and want to share with you. There is a cost for taking money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

OP here,

My step kids maternal grandparents live in a different state, dh and mine live 30 minutes away from us. Step kids visit out of state grandparents on holidays and summer break. My kids have no contact with them, because it's long distance and they have my parents locally. I am not forcing anyone on my parents. I am asking for fair treatments period. The other set of grandparents are not financially set to be pay for expensive trips and etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

OP here,

My step kids maternal grandparents live in a different state, dh and mine live 30 minutes away from us. Step kids visit out of state grandparents on holidays and summer break. My kids have no contact with them, because it's long distance and they have my parents locally. I am not forcing anyone on my parents. I am asking for fair treatments period. The other set of grandparents are not financially set to be pay for expensive trips and etc.

Well, you're asking for what is fair in your opinion. Other people have other opinions. And you have a totally different opinion of what is fair for the other grandparents. Good example of how people's opinions about fairness vary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

OP here,

My step kids maternal grandparents live in a different state, dh and mine live 30 minutes away from us. Step kids visit out of state grandparents on holidays and summer break. My kids have no contact with them, because it's long distance and they have my parents locally. I am not forcing anyone on my parents. I am asking for fair treatments period. The other set of grandparents are not financially set to be pay for expensive trips and etc.

So this is all about the financial aspects not equality. Your parents money is there's and should not be dispersed how you want it to be. Your stepdaughters are not entitled to there money and the luxeries and you need to understand that and explain that to your stepdaughters. You are setting your stepdaughters up to have animosity towards there sisters for when the grandparents pass and leave an inheritance to there biological grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

OP here,

My step kids maternal grandparents live in a different state, dh and mine live 30 minutes away from us. Step kids visit out of state grandparents on holidays and summer break. My kids have no contact with them, because it's long distance and they have my parents locally. I am not forcing anyone on my parents. I am asking for fair treatments period. The other set of grandparents are not financially set to be pay for expensive trips and etc.

It's not your parents job to step up and bridge the financial gap - it's yours!

I agree with the others on here - you are being a crappy parent by sabotaging your 12 year old's relationship with her grandparents. Your parents have made clear that they don't want to be the grandparents to your step kids. You should respect that and have figured out a way to handle this years ago.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the OP is a crappy parent - I don't.

These situations are more complicated than it appears usually. I have a sibling with a blended family and my parents have been excellent grandparents to all the kids, but now my BIL and SIL had a fight and the step-kids won't walk to my parents and accuse them of being terrible grandparents, even though they treated them equally for 10 years.

The truth is there is a difference (no matter what you say) and I bet OP and her parents are doing the best they can.

Does it suck that OP's parents don't care about the other kids? Yep.

But can they also take some of the kids on vacation? Probably yes.

sounds like this is causing trouble between the siblings now for the first time, and maybe something needs to be done, but I don't think OP can control her parents and doesn't sound like a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. The step kids are siblings to your children. Your parents need to accept this.

[Anonymous]

OP, DH and I each had two children when we got married. We then had one together. We ended up with primary physical custody of all the kids. They were very young when we got married. All are adults now.

We treated all the kids as “ours”. We didn’t use “step” or “half” to describe relationships. We made it clear that we expected grandparents to treat the kids the same as well. And they did. Our parents would never take only their biological grandkids. I totally agree and support your decision 100%. Our adult kids are very close as adults. We always tried to look at relationships long term, and it made all the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, DH and I each had two children when we got married. We then had one together. We ended up with primary physical custody of all the kids. They were very young when we got married. All are adults now.

We treated all the kids as “ours”. We didn’t use “step” or “half” to describe relationships. We made it clear that we expected grandparents to treat the kids the same as well. And they did. Our parents would never take only their biological grandkids. I totally agree and support your decision 100%. Our adult kids are very close as adults. We always tried to look at relationships long term, and it made all the difference.

Your situation is completely different.

You didn’t have a stepchild spending half their time with another family. That matters. They have their own grandparents independent of your parents and your spouse’s parents. You basically adopted the children you brought from your former relationships.

OP’s stepdaughters very clearly have a mom who cares for them and a whole other family who supports them.

OP making her daughter choose between her parents and her sisters is horrible parenting. It’s just cruel and unhealthy.