Step children and family rules

[Anonymous]

I don’t think his parents should have to trea them all equally when those kids have grandparents yours don’t. Let the kids go and let stepkids have some 1-1 time alone with their Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

Look, OP. This is what happens when you have stepkids and complicated family dynamics. These aren't your parents' biological grandchildren. It's absurd to think they would spend the same amount on their two bio grandchildren as they would on the stepkids. There is nothing wrong that they've set up college for your kids only. Your bio kids need to be your/their first priority. The stepkids have an additional mother and grandparents, your bio kids don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

OP here,

My step kids maternal grandparents live in a different state, dh and mine live 30 minutes away from us. Step kids visit out of state grandparents on holidays and summer break. My kids have no contact with them, because it's long distance and they have my parents locally. I am not forcing anyone on my parents. I am asking for fair treatments period. The other set of grandparents are not financially set to be pay for expensive trips and etc.

Wait. So the step kids go visit their grandparents without your bio kids?? But you won’t let your bio kids visit your parents unless their step sibs are included?? That’s not fair at all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

OP here,

My step kids maternal grandparents live in a different state, dh and mine live 30 minutes away from us. Step kids visit out of state grandparents on holidays and summer break. My kids have no contact with them, because it's long distance and they have my parents locally. I am not forcing anyone on my parents. I am asking for fair treatments period. The other set of grandparents are not financially set to be pay for expensive trips and etc.

Wait. So the step kids go visit their grandparents without your bio kids?? But you won’t let your bio kids visit your parents unless their step sibs are included?? That’s not fair at all!

That’s not even close to equal treatment!

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. If the step kids can go visit their grandparents without the half sibs, why can’t your kids do the same?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

Look, OP. This is what happens when you have stepkids and complicated family dynamics. These aren't your parents' biological grandchildren. It's absurd to think they would spend the same amount on their two bio grandchildren as they would on the stepkids. There is nothing wrong that they've set up college for your kids only. Your bio kids need to be your/their first priority. The stepkids have an additional mother and grandparents, your bio kids don't.

Op, you are really greedy. These kids have two parents and grandparents. Since your kids school is covered you save for the stepkids. Stop relying on others to fund your lifestyle.

Use this theme to let the stepkids have alone time with there dad without you and the other kids there.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

Thank you everyone! I am glad some of you believe that my parents are playing favorites with the kids. A little background on my family.

My parents respect my husband but they didn't not approve that we got married and had kids back to back, dh and I are working to support our kids, we don't need my parents money, never ask or received cash, my parents set up college found for my kids only, and they are planning to leave their estate to my kids on their 25 birthday. My step kids mom is a kind person and we all get along. My dh and I are saving college money for my stepkids, we pay for activities and just normal things kids need. My parents are paying for college, piano lessons,mini summer vacations and summer camp. I am a fair with my parents, they spend time with their grandkids but it seem so unfair to my step kids. It's not the same opportunity and my 12 year finally said something.

I didn't make my daughter choose between her sisters or her grandparents.
She's smart and she knows everything is not divided equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you everyone! I am glad some of you believe that my parents are playing favorites with the kids. A little background on my family.

My parents respect my husband but they didn't not approve that we got married and had kids back to back, dh and I are working to support our kids, we don't need my parents money, never ask or received cash, my parents set up college found for my kids only, and they are planning to leave their estate to my kids on their 25 birthday. My step kids mom is a kind person and we all get along. My dh and I are saving college money for my stepkids, we pay for activities and just normal things kids need. My parents are paying for college, piano lessons,mini summer vacations and summer camp. I am a fair with my parents, they spend time with their grandkids but it seem so unfair to my step kids. It's not the same opportunity and my 12 year finally said something.

I didn't make my daughter choose between her sisters or her grandparents.
She's smart and she knows everything is not divided equally.

Here is an idea, grow up and pay for those things for your own kids. You take a lot of money from them. They should be kind to the kids but they are not equal grandkids. They have their own set of parents and grandparents. You are crossing boundaries. These kids need alone time with their dad.

[Anonymous]

Op, this sounds like an affair situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your 12 year old is following your lead.

Your parents are presumably elderly. Taking along four vs two teens is a lot.

I agree it would have been fine as long as you and your husband took the other two girls someplace great.

So if OP had four biological teens, they’d just take to Paris the two they liked best?

Yeah, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are completely wrong.

While it's wonderful you treat them as your own daughters and feel a strong connection, you can't expect that from your parents.
As long as they're polite/nice with them, just let it go, you can't force them to love them.

I'd let them take your daughters to Paris and do something else with your husband's daughters. They are not owed anything by your parents, don't be jealous about the whole situation or you'll be unhappy for years ...

OP here,
Unfortunately, dh agrees also. I can't make my parents love them and treat the kids equally

I disagree with the PP. You can't MAKE your parents love them and treat them equally, but you should be able to talk to them about how hurtful this is to YOU, their daughter. I cannot imagine disrespecting the family of my child in this way, especially, if you've been helping to raise these girls since they were small. I was part of a blended family and think this would cause resentment, even if they seem OK with it on the outside. Tell your parents that this trip is off. You and DH should take all of the girls somewhere else.

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

The difference between your parents and your husband’s parents is that biologically all the children are your husband’s. If the step children have biological maternal grandparents, then they already have two sets of grandparents. Your children also have two sets. I would not expect your parents to provide college money and vacations for your step children who already have their own grandparents.

And if OP had adopted kids, they wouldn’t be “biologically related either,” so in your world, they would deserve to be treated as second class citizens. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are completely wrong.

While it's wonderful you treat them as your own daughters and feel a strong connection, you can't expect that from your parents.
As long as they're polite/nice with them, just let it go, you can't force them to love them.

I'd let them take your daughters to Paris and do something else with your husband's daughters. They are not owed anything by your parents, don't be jealous about the whole situation or you'll be unhappy for years ...

OP here,
Unfortunately, dh agrees also. I can't make my parents love them and treat the kids equally

Exactly. And I bet the girls, all of them, understand that. The more you make it an issue, the more of an issue it will become.

Legit question: Do you make your stepdaughters' mother take your daughters with her on trips? Do you make your stepdaughters' mother's parents take your girls with them on trips?

I think you need to back off. The important people for treating the girls equally are you and your husband. For everyone else, your goal should be that all the girls are treated with kindness and acceptance. I think on your current path that you're creating a problem that doesn't exist and the problem you're creating has the potential to blow your daughters' relationship apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are completely wrong.

While it's wonderful you treat them as your own daughters and feel a strong connection, you can't expect that from your parents.
As long as they're polite/nice with them, just let it go, you can't force them to love them.

I'd let them take your daughters to Paris and do something else with your husband's daughters. They are not owed anything by your parents, don't be jealous about the whole situation or you'll be unhappy for years ...

OP here,
Unfortunately, dh agrees also. I can't make my parents love them and treat the kids equally

Exactly. And I bet the girls, all of them, understand that. The more you make it an issue, the more of an issue it will become.

Legit question: Do you make your stepdaughters' mother take your daughters with her on trips? Do you make your stepdaughters' mother's parents take your girls with them on trips?

I think you need to back off. The important people for treating the girls equally are you and your husband. For everyone else, your goal should be that all the girls are treated with kindness and acceptance. I think on your current path that you're creating a problem that doesn't exist and the problem you're creating has the potential to blow your daughters' relationship apart.

Her daughters have not loved with the stepmother’s family for half their lives but do try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, this sounds like an affair situation.

OP here,

Dh and I were childhood friends. Dh brother set us on a blind date after his divorce. My parents are old school and just cautious in general. My step kids are sweet kids and it just upsets me to the end how indifferent my parents act towards them.