Step children and family rules

[Anonymous]

I have 4 children. My parents adore them and shower them with gifts and attention all the time. However, when it comes to trips, they only take 1 or 2 at a time. It’s too overwhelming otherwise and it becomes work instead of a fun grandparent bonding experience. (And I’m only talking about fun weekend trips—an international trip is already so much more work.)

I think your problem is that you know your parents would never take your stepchildren on a separate trip. I doubt your stepkids would even want to go on a trip alone with your parents. If your parents took all 4 kids it would be a sibling bonding experience—not a grandparent bonding experience.

In effect you’re blocking your parents from having a normal relationship with your children. That seems… wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

[Anonymous]

I would not expect my elderly parents to take four teenagers for the weekend, let alone overseas. The stepkids have their own sets of grandparents, and you and your husband can do something fun with them while the other girls are in Paris.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are completely wrong.

While it's wonderful you treat them as your own daughters and feel a strong connection, you can't expect that from your parents.
As long as they're polite/nice with them, just let it go, you can't force them to love them.

I'd let them take your daughters to Paris and do something else with your husband's daughters. They are not owed anything by your parents, don't be jealous about the whole situation or you'll be unhappy for years ...

OP here,
Unfortunately, dh agrees also. I can't make my parents love them and treat the kids equally

I think it’s telling that even your husband agrees you need to drop it. Something about this feels really performative, like you’re really invested in being seen as the BEST stepmom EVER and you don’t care who you hurt in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not expect my elderly parents to take four teenagers for the weekend, let alone overseas. The stepkids have their own sets of grandparents, and you and your husband can do something fun with them while the other girls are in Paris.

+1. I am admittedly not in this situation, but I think it's a lot to ask step grandparents to treat step grandkids as their own, to the tune of taking two additional people to Paris!

In fact, I think it's weird, unless the step granparents are really into it. It's actually very natural for your parents to make this distinction - this is the reality of your family structure. And I think you and your husband are kind of crappy to be making your parents feel guilty and passing that attitude on to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

That sounds nice and all, but I’m thinking of my two children and how hard it is to find common things that they both like for a week for mine in elementary and mine in high school. You are asking a lot of the grandparents to take 4 kids to Paris.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

Your husband’s parents are nice and fair to all the kids because they all belong to their son. They treat all their biological grandchildren equally, just like your parents do. How do you not see that?

The real comparison is your stepdaughter’s maternal grandparents—what are they doing for your daughters? I can’t empathize this enough: Your stepdaughters have their own maternal grandparents. You’re being really unfair to your parents in this situation. Your parents should be kind and polite to the stepdaughters. They should get them birthday and Christmas presents if you guys celebrate together. Setting up college funds and taking extra kids on an international trip are way way beyond normal expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

The difference between your parents and your husband’s parents is that biologically all the children are your husband’s. If the step children have biological maternal grandparents, then they already have two sets of grandparents. Your children also have two sets. I would not expect your parents to provide college money and vacations for your step children who already have their own grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not expect my elderly parents to take four teenagers for the weekend, let alone overseas. The stepkids have their own sets of grandparents, and you and your husband can do something fun with them while the other girls are in Paris.

+1. I am admittedly not in this situation, but I think it's a lot to ask step grandparents to treat step grandkids as their own, to the tune of taking two additional people to Paris!

In fact, I think it's weird, unless the step granparents are really into it. It's actually very natural for your parents to make this distinction - this is the reality of your family structure. And I think you and your husband are kind of crappy to be making your parents feel guilty and passing that attitude on to your daughter.

This is why blended families are a sh*tshow. OP wants to pretend she doesn’t have a blended family and is willing to die on that hill. She’s even willing to torpedoes her oldest daughter’s relationship with her grandparents over it. It’s just sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

Sorry, but you are in the wrong here. It's your parents' money and if they don't want to share it with two unrelated kids who have their own grandparents (two sets presumably!) there is nothing wrong with that. Your husband's parents are biologically the grand parents of all four kids. That's a huge difference.

You sound really entitled and a little off in making this a hill to die on.

[Anonymous]

I think it's odd you expect your parents to take your step kids on vacation, and even odder you mentioned college funds.

H and I both have kids from prior marriages and have kids together.

Neither of us would ever expect grandparents to treat all the kids equally. Of course there's a huge difference between biological grandkids and step kids. Hell, I take my own kids on vacations without my stepkids, they love having time with just mom.

We still do tons of things together as a family and are very close. But I'm not gonna make H's parents treat my kids, or make my parents treat his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

That sounds nice and all, but I’m thinking of my two children and how hard it is to find common things that they both like for a week for mine in elementary and mine in high school. You are asking a lot of the grandparents to take 4 kids to Paris.

OP here,

The trip to Paris is just one example, tickets to concert, and other high end activities they always exclude my step kids. My dh and I have try to be nice and not set boundaries with my parents, but this trip was just the end of it.
I will allowed my 10 year old daughter to go with my parents and my dh and I will plan a different vacation for the three kids. My 12 year old refused completely. She wants to vacation with her sisters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

Sorry, but you are in the wrong here. It's your parents' money and if they don't want to share it with two unrelated kids who have their own grandparents (two sets presumably!) there is nothing wrong with that. Your husband's parents are biologically the grand parents of all four kids. That's a huge difference.

You sound really entitled and a little off in making this a hill to die on.

Refusing one trip isn’t really dying on a hill.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I don't really believe you that a 12 year old would refuse a trip to Paris. You seem *very* invested in your ideas about "equality". And I agree that taking FOUR children on an international trip is just too much to ask of people in their late 60s. And if you have been trying to keep your parents from coming over when your stepchildren are there, is it any wonder they don't have much of a bond?

It seems like you are not respecting your husband's decision here. He prefers to not make a big deal of this, and he's the step-children's parent so you should defer to him.

You need to understand that not everyone sees divorce and remarriage as positively as you do. Not everyone wants to jump aboard the Big Happy Family Bus just to keep you happy when they're not actually feeling it. It's a generational difference but it's also one of temperament and philosophy. Everyone knows perfectly well you could divorce your DH and that would be the end of this grandparent "relationship". Don't kid yourself that this isn't the underlying truth.

I'm a stepchild myself and would never, ever, ever want to vacation with my step-grandparents or have my stepmother all wound up about making me spend time with her family or treating me whatever she's decided is "equal". Sometimes it's best to relax a little bit.