I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband really wanted kids. He assured me would be the primarily caregiver.

I am very focused on my career and wrk long hours.

He assured me that he would be happy to be the primary caregiver

Now this has called a lot of resentment.

He does do drop off and pick up in 75% of cases.

But he does none of the cooking, admin, finding daycare, applying for passport, etc.

He thinks I should do that because I do less of the direct care.

If I need to work on the weekend, I have to hire a babysitter so that he can play video games. He can’t handle more than 3 hours taking care of a toddler.

I work 60 hours a week and he works 45 hours a week.

I have no free time.

He has plenty.

Love the baby and I like my career.

Our marriage is strained because we fight about childcare and tasks all the time.

I thought that it’s possible for a guy to be the main caretaker.

Was naive.

Marriages work much better when they follow traditional gender roles, except for a few circumstances. But that’s the exception not the rule.

Unfortunately I make more than he does so I cannot step back.

I am exhausted and resentful of him.

I agree with you, OP.

Sadly, we will get roasted by people on this forum, who think they are required to somehow defend what little they learned as undergrads in feminism 101.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing things for him. Make him get his own weekend sitter. Don’t cook for him. Don’t do admin or find daycare. Let things drop and let him deal with the consequences.

Fortunately it sounds like you have enough money to have this problem ultimately solved by his outsourcing what he can’t/won’t do. From childcare to food delivery. But he has to handle the outsourcing since he works fewer hours.

HUH?? It’s not HIS weekend babysitter. She wants to work and not be a mom on Saturday, shouldn’t she help find the babysitter? I don’t see how her addiction to her job somehow means he should work 45 hours per week and do all the child care.

Also OP, you lose a lot of credibility when you raise things like “applying for passports”. This takes one day every 10 years.

The OP sounds pretty awful.

He assured me that he would be happy to be the primary caregiver

As the primary giver, you do the majority of the work, even on the weekends, but not everything. Sounds like OP doesn't want to do much of anything for the kid.

I do think that OP and her DH need to sit down and discuss what "primary caregiver" means, and who should do what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you should see a therapist and psychiatrist. You sound very angry.

Extra points for misogynistic gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean when you say he works 45 hours a week?

I think a weekend babysitter is a wonderful idea. Ours has helped our marriage tremendously. Who cares if he wants to play video games in that time?

WTF?

She’s working a lot more than he is and he’s not pulling his weight. Don’t have more kids.

Hiring a weekend sitter so she can work and he can have even more free time would be infuriating to me.

[Anonymous]

OP here

Sorry just frustrated.

He takes care of our toddler around 2.5 hours 3 days a week. I help out the other 2.

During the weekend, he gets kid free time 7am-2pm and then again after 730pm at night.

He does not want to split admin with me.

I’d rather do more of the fun direct childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband really wanted kids. He assured me would be the primarily caregiver.

I am very focused on my career and wrk long hours.

He assured me that he would be happy to be the primary caregiver

Now this has called a lot of resentment.

He does do drop off and pick up in 75% of cases.

But he does none of the cooking, admin, finding daycare, applying for passport, etc.

He thinks I should do that because I do less of the direct care.

If I need to work on the weekend, I have to hire a babysitter so that he can play video games. He can’t handle more than 3 hours taking care of a toddler.

I work 60 hours a week and he works 45 hours a week.

I have no free time.

He has plenty.

Love the baby and I like my career.

Our marriage is strained because we fight about childcare and tasks all the time.

I thought that it’s possible for a guy to be the main caretaker.

Was naive.

Marriages work much better when they follow traditional gender roles, except for a few circumstances. But that’s the exception not the rule.

Unfortunately I make more than he does so I cannot step back.

I am exhausted and resentful of him.

I agree with you, OP.

Sadly, we will get roasted by people on this forum, who think they are required to somehow defend what little they learned as undergrads in feminism 101.

Unfortunately, in the US, it is true.

And I say this as a mom, married 20 years, who has done FT, PT, sahm. Even though DH did the cooking and shopping, I still did all the mental work, coordinating, planning. He just executed what I planned. When we traveled, I did all the packing and planning for the kids - daycares, summer camps, playdates, bday parties. It was exhausting.

My kids are teens now, and DH does a lot more now because I think he doesn't feel out of his depth now. Kids are at an age where he finds the things they are doing interesting.

OP, make sure you are on birth control.

[Anonymous]

OP

Sometimes we do stuff as a family so he does not get all the kid free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Sorry just frustrated.

He takes care of our toddler around 2.5 hours 3 days a week. I help out the other 2.

During the weekend, he gets kid free time 7am-2pm and then again after 730pm at night.

He does not want to split admin with me.

I’d rather do more of the fun direct childcare.

I just posted.. IMO, men are poor planners when it comes to childcare. It's uninteresting, and not their forte. But, ITA, it's exhausting.

You need to sit with him and split the admin work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband really wanted kids. He assured me would be the primarily caregiver.

I am very focused on my career and wrk long hours.

He assured me that he would be happy to be the primary caregiver

Now this has called a lot of resentment.

He does do drop off and pick up in 75% of cases.

But he does none of the cooking, admin, finding daycare, applying for passport, etc.

He thinks I should do that because I do less of the direct care.

If I need to work on the weekend, I have to hire a babysitter so that he can play video games. He can’t handle more than 3 hours taking care of a toddler.

I work 60 hours a week and he works 45 hours a week.

I have no free time.

He has plenty.

Love the baby and I like my career.

Our marriage is strained because we fight about childcare and tasks all the time.

I thought that it’s possible for a guy to be the main caretaker.

Was naive.

Marriages work much better when they follow traditional gender roles, except for a few circumstances. But that’s the exception not the rule.

Unfortunately I make more than he does so I cannot step back.

I am exhausted and resentful of him.

I agree with you, OP.

Sadly, we will get roasted by people on this forum, who think they are required to somehow defend what little they learned as undergrads in feminism 101.

Unfortunately, in the US, it is true.

And I say this as a mom, married 20 years, who has done FT, PT, sahm. Even though DH did the cooking and shopping, I still did all the mental work, coordinating, planning. He just executed what I planned. When we traveled, I did all the packing and planning for the kids - daycares, summer camps, playdates, bday parties. It was exhausting.

My kids are teens now, and DH does a lot more now because I think he doesn't feel out of his depth now. Kids are at an age where he finds the things they are doing interesting.

OP, make sure you are on birth control.

Op: yes he does not coordinate / plan anything. I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean when you say he works 45 hours a week?

I think a weekend babysitter is a wonderful idea. Ours has helped our marriage tremendously. Who cares if he wants to play video games in that time?

WTF?

She’s working a lot more than he is and he’s not pulling his weight. Don’t have more kids.

Hiring a weekend sitter so she can work and he can have even more free time would be infuriating to me.

Unless they can afford to do this. If they can, then why not? Poor kid, though.

Dad wants to use his free time playing video games (IMO, that's a turnoff but that's for another thread).
Mom wants to use her free time to work.

I don't see anything wrong with hiring a sitter a few hours a week to get some free time, but if OP's DH is the primary caregiver (which she said he agreed to), then he needs to do the majority of the mental work, like admin stuff, because that's what the primary caregiver does.

IMO, he probably didn't realize who much mental work goes into managing a child. FYI, this only gets worse as the kid gets older. My kids are teens, and there's a ton of stuff to manage and coordinate.

[Anonymous]

Don’t agree that primary caregiver means majority of mental work unless that’s what they have explicitly agreed upon. It’s a matter of definition. Primary caregiver in my eyes means person who does the most hands on childcare - dressing, tooth brushing, disciplining, feeding, bathing. He seems to be doing this given her long work hours.

Mental work tasks should be fairly distributed, but shouldn’t all fall on him. Maybe he could take on the booking of sitters and medical appointments, and she can do passport applications and clothes buying. They should go through this item by item.

He isn’t a stay at home dad, and he isn’t a single dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should see a therapist and psychiatrist. You sound very angry.

Extra points for misogynistic gaslighting.

I’m trying to imagine a dad complaining about walking through the door at 9 pm, having avoided all childcare duty as the baby is now asleep, and complaining that his wife, who works full time, didn’t finish all the dishes in addition to everything else she did that evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should see a therapist and psychiatrist. You sound very angry.

Extra points for misogynistic gaslighting.

I’m trying to imagine a dad complaining about walking through the door at 9 pm, having avoided all childcare duty as the baby is now asleep, and complaining that his wife, who works full time, didn’t finish all the dishes in addition to everything else she did that evening.

His childcare duties involve 2-2.5 hours per day total.

And presumably you had a child because you think it’s fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should see a therapist and psychiatrist. You sound very angry.

Extra points for misogynistic gaslighting.

I’m trying to imagine a dad complaining about walking through the door at 9 pm, having avoided all childcare duty as the baby is now asleep, and complaining that his wife, who works full time, didn’t finish all the dishes in addition to everything else she did that evening.

His childcare duties involve 2-2.5 hours per day total.

And presumably you had a child because you think it’s fun.

Op: yes we used to have a nanny 8-6 and now daycare 730-6 pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should see a therapist and psychiatrist. You sound very angry.

Extra points for misogynistic gaslighting.

I’m trying to imagine a dad complaining about walking through the door at 9 pm, having avoided all childcare duty as the baby is now asleep, and complaining that his wife, who works full time, didn’t finish all the dishes in addition to everything else she did that evening.

His childcare duties involve 2-2.5 hours per day total.

And presumably you had a child because you think it’s fun.

Op: yes we used to have a nanny 8-6 and now daycare 730-6 pm.

OP: I need to remind him everything. He even forgets to wash the baby’s teeth.