Guy I'm dating says he needs time to "wrap things up" before we start our relatioship- what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say "exclusive" -- do you mean he's not sleeping with anyone else? That he needs 7-10 days to commit to that? If so, that's really weird IMO. If he was really into you, he'd drop everything and commit to you.

OP actually said "We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend." If he's currently dating other women I can see not feeling comfortable calling himself "Larla's boyfriend" until those other women know he's not going to see them anymore.

But WHY? That's what I don't understand. He's been seeing multiple women. At some point, he was going to pick one of them and stop seeing the others. Is the idea that he needs some kind of fast or clean slate with every single woman he's been dating before he can commit to his relationship with the OP? I get that there would be some awkwardness at the beginning of these breakup dates he has planned where the women think it's a romantic date and maybe kiss him and then he breaks up with them. There's no way for those conversations to not be awkward on some level. But that doesn't mean that he should be able to just go to them, kiss back, pretend it's a date, and then end things with them at some point before calling it a night. He can commit to OP now and tell the women that he's not available anymore. It doesn't have to go the opposite way.

Literally the only thing we know about this guy is that he's honest to a fault, so this is a leap. WHY I wouldn't want to call myself Larla's boyfriend while two other women think I'm seeing them is extremely obvious to me, but everything about this thread has been educational in terms of what other people think is an okay way to behave. Break up by text or you're a dog!

DP here. That's a bit dramatic. Not everyone needs or wants a sit down break up for a non-monogamous, non-exclusive relationship. It seems a bit needy to me IMO, and it's not something I'd need for myself if I were those women. I certainly don't want to be ghosted, but I don't need a face to face reconciliation for a casual dating situation.

If I'm the guy in this situation, I'm seeing OP's behavior as a red flag. It sends a message of wanting to control, which he's too old for.

[Anonymous]

We don’t know what he is thinking.

I can tell you I did this with my now husband. I moved away from where my boyfriend lived. He wasn’t into committing, and I thought he was a bit immature anyway. Even though my boyfriend at the time wasn’t being that great a boyfriend, I went back home to break it off in person at Thanksgiving.

Only after I broke it off did I let things go further with the now husband, who didn’t appear to mind I was seeing the boyfriend one final time.

We have a high-trust relationship now, and it began that way. If you can’t trust your guy, you can’t trust your guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say "exclusive" -- do you mean he's not sleeping with anyone else? That he needs 7-10 days to commit to that? If so, that's really weird IMO. If he was really into you, he'd drop everything and commit to you.

OP actually said "We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend." If he's currently dating other women I can see not feeling comfortable calling himself "Larla's boyfriend" until those other women know he's not going to see them anymore.

PP here. I get that maybe he doesn't want to tell the world about Bf/GF status. But why isn't he telling her he's not going to be physically intimate with these other women RIGHT NOW. I can see saying that he wants to have break up conversations, but why does that need 7-10 days to be exclusive? Maybe I am thinking of exclusivity the wrong way, but it means monogamous to me.

New poster and I agree with the bold above. I DO think it's positive that he is being (fairly) transparent and it's great that OP and he had an actual adult conversation and made a commitment; however, it sounds as if the conversation did not go as far as OP needs it to, or as I would need it to, in her shoes. She should have said, and can still say,, "I think it's honest of you to want to break off seeing these other women in a decent and thoughtful way, and it's great that you let me know about them. I'm not going to tell you whether to text or call or see them to let them know you're now in a committed relationship. But I'm going to be honest with you in return since you've been frank with me. Committed means monogamous from this point on, for me, so I need to know that it means the same thing to you now and during this week when you're seeing or contacting these women one last time." Then see what he says. Or more bluntly: "Do you think you will feel you should have sex with them one last time? If you do, I'm asking you to say so, as honestly as you've said everything else." (and if the answer were yes, well, he and she would then need to have a much blunter talk....)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

Can I also flag this? Why is he saying that "he is being punished for being transparent"? You had concerns and you voiced them, and this sounds like gaslighting to me, nevermind who is right about in-person vs phone call breakups. I don't like that he used the words you are punishing him. A bit extreme to me and could be a harbinger of how he deals with things you disagree on in the future. I also think that manipulative responses like this don't bode well for a person's intentions IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

Do you want to have sex w the other guys are you seeing one more time before transitioning to 'exclusive' ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

Can I also flag this? Why is he saying that "he is being punished for being transparent"? You had concerns and you voiced them, and this sounds like gaslighting to me, nevermind who is right about in-person vs phone call breakups. I don't like that he used the words you are punishing him. A bit extreme to me and could be a harbinger of how he deals with things you disagree on in the future. I also think that manipulative responses like this don't bode well for a person's intentions IMO.

To me, it sounds like she was threatening to not become exclusive with him after all if he breaks up with these women in person as he prefers to. I agree with him that OP is trying to punish him for being honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

Can I also flag this? Why is he saying that "he is being punished for being transparent"? You had concerns and you voiced them, and this sounds like gaslighting to me, nevermind who is right about in-person vs phone call breakups. I don't like that he used the words you are punishing him. A bit extreme to me and could be a harbinger of how he deals with things you disagree on in the future. I also think that manipulative responses like this don't bode well for a person's intentions IMO.

It's not gaslighting (it's really irritating how people misuse that term). He asked for time, she asked him why he needed it specifically, and now she's arguing with him about it and saying it's bad for their relationship and she doesn't trust him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

Can I also flag this? Why is he saying that "he is being punished for being transparent"? You had concerns and you voiced them, and this sounds like gaslighting to me, nevermind who is right about in-person vs phone call breakups. I don't like that he used the words you are punishing him. A bit extreme to me and could be a harbinger of how he deals with things you disagree on in the future. I also think that manipulative responses like this don't bode well for a person's intentions IMO.

To me, it sounds like she was threatening to not become exclusive with him after all if he breaks up with these women in person as he prefers to. I agree with him that OP is trying to punish him for being honest.

PP here. I just don't agree. She didn't directly threaten him -- she said her opinion was that a phone call was ok and she was concerned about starting the relationship this way and it didn't feel right. Not sure where the threat is... Twisting those words and assuming they are a threat/punishment is the fault of the receiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

Can I also flag this? Why is he saying that "he is being punished for being transparent"? You had concerns and you voiced them, and this sounds like gaslighting to me, nevermind who is right about in-person vs phone call breakups. I don't like that he used the words you are punishing him. A bit extreme to me and could be a harbinger of how he deals with things you disagree on in the future. I also think that manipulative responses like this don't bode well for a person's intentions IMO.

It's not gaslighting (it's really irritating how people misuse that term). He asked for time, she asked him why he needed it specifically, and now she's arguing with him about it and saying it's bad for their relationship and she doesn't trust him.

It is gaslighting - from what I read, he was telling her that she is being too sensitive ("overthinking") to his actions and that she is punishing him. This is one of the VERY definitions of gaslighting.

What are gaslighting tactics?
Gaslighting is a malicious power tactic in which “the gaslighter tries (consciously or not) to induce in someone the sense that her reactions, perceptions, memories, and beliefs are not just mistaken, but utterly without grounds—paradigmatically, so unfounded as to qualify as crazy”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

Can I also flag this? Why is he saying that "he is being punished for being transparent"? You had concerns and you voiced them, and this sounds like gaslighting to me, nevermind who is right about in-person vs phone call breakups. I don't like that he used the words you are punishing him. A bit extreme to me and could be a harbinger of how he deals with things you disagree on in the future. I also think that manipulative responses like this don't bode well for a person's intentions IMO.

To me, it sounds like she was threatening to not become exclusive with him after all if he breaks up with these women in person as he prefers to. I agree with him that OP is trying to punish him for being honest.

PP here. I just don't agree. She didn't directly threaten him -- she said her opinion was that a phone call was ok and she was concerned about starting the relationship this way and it didn't feel right. Not sure where the threat is... Twisting those words and assuming they are a threat/punishment is the fault of the receiver.

Completely disagree. Crazy how this guy can be so honest with her, at her command, to his own detriment, and still be spun up as a villain by OP and some of the people on this board. He said point-blank he wants to meet them at least for coffee to break up. He knows them; he's been dating them; this is how he feels he should behave to end the relationships. But if he doesn't do as OP commands - "a phone call would be normal" then he's a manipulative "gaslighter" who's going to sleep with everyone and get her an STI?

Cool, cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

Can I also flag this? Why is he saying that "he is being punished for being transparent"? You had concerns and you voiced them, and this sounds like gaslighting to me, nevermind who is right about in-person vs phone call breakups. I don't like that he used the words you are punishing him. A bit extreme to me and could be a harbinger of how he deals with things you disagree on in the future. I also think that manipulative responses like this don't bode well for a person's intentions IMO.

To me, it sounds like she was threatening to not become exclusive with him after all if he breaks up with these women in person as he prefers to. I agree with him that OP is trying to punish him for being honest.

PP here. I just don't agree. She didn't directly threaten him -- she said her opinion was that a phone call was ok and she was concerned about starting the relationship this way and it didn't feel right. Not sure where the threat is... Twisting those words and assuming they are a threat/punishment is the fault of the receiver.

Completely disagree. Crazy how this guy can be so honest with her, at her command, to his own detriment, and still be spun up as a villain by OP and some of the people on this board. He said point-blank he wants to meet them at least for coffee to break up. He knows them; he's been dating them; this is how he feels he should behave to end the relationships. But if he doesn't do as OP commands - "a phone call would be normal" then he's a manipulative "gaslighter" who's going to sleep with everyone and get her an STI?

Cool, cool.

You just wrote your own ridiculous, exaggerated version of this story ("honest...to his detriment" "being spun as a villain"??? LOL). You sound like an incel. COOL COOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

Can I also flag this? Why is he saying that "he is being punished for being transparent"? You had concerns and you voiced them, and this sounds like gaslighting to me, nevermind who is right about in-person vs phone call breakups. I don't like that he used the words you are punishing him. A bit extreme to me and could be a harbinger of how he deals with things you disagree on in the future. I also think that manipulative responses like this don't bode well for a person's intentions IMO.

To me, it sounds like she was threatening to not become exclusive with him after all if he breaks up with these women in person as he prefers to. I agree with him that OP is trying to punish him for being honest.

PP here. I just don't agree. She didn't directly threaten him -- she said her opinion was that a phone call was ok and she was concerned about starting the relationship this way and it didn't feel right. Not sure where the threat is... Twisting those words and assuming they are a threat/punishment is the fault of the receiver.

Completely disagree. Crazy how this guy can be so honest with her, at her command, to his own detriment, and still be spun up as a villain by OP and some of the people on this board. He said point-blank he wants to meet them at least for coffee to break up. He knows them; he's been dating them; this is how he feels he should behave to end the relationships. But if he doesn't do as OP commands - "a phone call would be normal" then he's a manipulative "gaslighter" who's going to sleep with everyone and get her an STI?

Cool, cool.

You just wrote your own ridiculous, exaggerated version of this story ("honest...to his detriment" "being spun as a villain"??? LOL). You sound like an incel. COOL COOL.

He was honest, and it has been to his detriment. You're calling him a manipulative gaslighter, villain was just quicker to type. I'm a married woman who is watching OP get terrible advice and kind of fascinated to see how this guy could do everything and anything that Dear Prudence would advise him to do, and still get the "one step away from an abuser, Run Girl Run" treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

I think you're being micromanagery, and if I were this guy, I'd be having doubts right now. It is not your place to tell him how to wrap things up and with whom. He made a booboo too by laying out the complete project chart before you as if you were a supervisor like "so, Mary, I think in about ten days we should be up and running". You should not have asked for details and he should not have volunteered. If he said he needed time to wrap things up, you should have gracefully said, all right, please let me know when it's wrapped up and let's take things easy until then.

If you behave this way early in the relationship, I'd wonder what you're like when you have a ring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

Can I also flag this? Why is he saying that "he is being punished for being transparent"? You had concerns and you voiced them, and this sounds like gaslighting to me, nevermind who is right about in-person vs phone call breakups. I don't like that he used the words you are punishing him. A bit extreme to me and could be a harbinger of how he deals with things you disagree on in the future. I also think that manipulative responses like this don't bode well for a person's intentions IMO.

To me, it sounds like she was threatening to not become exclusive with him after all if he breaks up with these women in person as he prefers to. I agree with him that OP is trying to punish him for being honest.

PP here. I just don't agree. She didn't directly threaten him -- she said her opinion was that a phone call was ok and she was concerned about starting the relationship this way and it didn't feel right. Not sure where the threat is... Twisting those words and assuming they are a threat/punishment is the fault of the receiver.

Completely disagree. Crazy how this guy can be so honest with her, at her command, to his own detriment, and still be spun up as a villain by OP and some of the people on this board. He said point-blank he wants to meet them at least for coffee to break up. He knows them; he's been dating them; this is how he feels he should behave to end the relationships. But if he doesn't do as OP commands - "a phone call would be normal" then he's a manipulative "gaslighter" who's going to sleep with everyone and get her an STI?

Cool, cool.

You just wrote your own ridiculous, exaggerated version of this story ("honest...to his detriment" "being spun as a villain"??? LOL). You sound like an incel. COOL COOL.

He was honest, and it has been to his detriment. You're calling him a manipulative gaslighter, villain was just quicker to type. I'm a married woman who is watching OP get terrible advice and kind of fascinated to see how this guy could do everything and anything that Dear Prudence would advise him to do, and still get the "one step away from an abuser, Run Girl Run" treatment.

Ok, Ginni Thomas. Go on, girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

Can I also flag this? Why is he saying that "he is being punished for being transparent"? You had concerns and you voiced them, and this sounds like gaslighting to me, nevermind who is right about in-person vs phone call breakups. I don't like that he used the words you are punishing him. A bit extreme to me and could be a harbinger of how he deals with things you disagree on in the future. I also think that manipulative responses like this don't bode well for a person's intentions IMO.

To me, it sounds like she was threatening to not become exclusive with him after all if he breaks up with these women in person as he prefers to. I agree with him that OP is trying to punish him for being honest.

PP here. I just don't agree. She didn't directly threaten him -- she said her opinion was that a phone call was ok and she was concerned about starting the relationship this way and it didn't feel right. Not sure where the threat is... Twisting those words and assuming they are a threat/punishment is the fault of the receiver.

Completely disagree. Crazy how this guy can be so honest with her, at her command, to his own detriment, and still be spun up as a villain by OP and some of the people on this board. He said point-blank he wants to meet them at least for coffee to break up. He knows them; he's been dating them; this is how he feels he should behave to end the relationships. But if he doesn't do as OP commands - "a phone call would be normal" then he's a manipulative "gaslighter" who's going to sleep with everyone and get her an STI?

Cool, cool.

If he is such a decent guy, why can't he commit to OP before meeting up for breakup coffee? I don't really care one way or the other how he breaks up with them as long as he does it respectfully. That can happen over the phone, in person, even over text, frankly as long as he's not a total jerk. He can commit to monogamy with OP effective immediately, with the caveat that he needs to break up with these women in person. A decent guy would be fine with that. A sleazeball would definitely refer to that expectation as being punished for honesty though.