When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this Multiple Sclerosis?

My mother has had MS nearly all her adult life. After relapses, she used to be particularly tired (but thankfully hasn't had one in years). However she would never want to disinvite her family for Christmas - it's just for 24hrs, is that correct, or for a longer visit? A long visit would not be in the cards after a relapse, but 24, she would come down for an hour on Christmas morning, then go back up in her room.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, OP. It's not easy being a partner of a permanently disabled person, it's actually damn difficult! Plus you're at your ILs for the foreseeable future and your SIL is annoying.

But I think an overnight and Christmas morning in the same house, but not necessarily together, might be beneficial - your SIL might see how handicapped her brother actually is, and understand a little better. My mother had an awful time with her sisters during the first years, when she had no firm diagnosis, because she was accused by her sisters of malingering and depending on my father's support... it was a really bad period in her life.

Best of luck to you and your husband going forward.

It isn't MS.

If you were 10, and your mom said she was going to spend Christmas in her room, other than an hour, and not be there when you opened your presents, or for meals, or for other traditions, would you really have not felt hurt by that? I'm having trouble feeling like that's a fair solution to my kids.

Honestly my kids are far more into playing with their toys than hanging out with me on Christmas Day. Also presumably a child of 10 would understand that DH is sick and not feel slighted by him needing to rest during some of the festivities.. What if you do stockings/immediate family presents first thing as an immediate family in your room and then you/ kids can go down to exchange presents with the cousins /play with new toys while DH rests. Then he can come down for the Christmas meal. You’re presenting this as an all or nothing and it doesn’t have to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

Hello, there’s a pandemic right now. This is an exceptional situation.

Everybody is vaccinated except the baby. The vaccine prevents severe illness and OP already said DH’s illness doesn’t increase his risk for Covid. It’s up the the grandparents to decide their risk tolerance. Covid isn’t going away and all but the youngest children can now get vaccinated if they choose. Life must go on.

Life must go on does not mean people have to spend the night in the same bedroom together. We are in the middle of a surge. And it is attitude like yours that are going to make the surge worse for us. I just hope it’s people like you who wind up in the hospital rather than my family.

Wow. I hope nobody ends up in the hospital. We are all vaccinated, we don’t socialize in large groups, and we mask for essential errands. We will start seeing family at the holidays again. We aren’t the reason for the surge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the sibling likely does not fully understand your husbands illness and is feeling hurt and rejected. Especially since it’s you, not your DH, making the plans.

Even though it makes logical sense, I can see why the sibling feels hurt that you and your kids get to be unmasked and normal with their parents. And they and thier kids get an outside drop by visit. Why not have everyone test and then all get together? Your DH can stay in your room if he gets overwhelmed.

So, my kids don't get to spend Christmas with their own father? My DH doesn't celebrate Christmas?

No, you can celebrate together, but you don’t break up other peoples traditions when you are staying in someone else’s house. You need to find something that works for your family that doesn’t require others to change their traditions for you.

I don't know, I think people have to be flexible and realize that traditions have to morph and change. What if OP's family also had a tradition of all cousins waking up together on Xmas morning? Clearly the kids can't be with two sets of cousins/grandparents at once. Something has to give and it should not be OP's DH's health. I think her family should make it clear that if others sleep over, her family will go to a hotel. And then see what happens. Either way OP will be prioritizing her family's well being. it won't be good for her kids if her DH gets worse due to trying to maintain an Xmas tradition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

Hello, there’s a pandemic right now. This is an exceptional situation.

Everybody is vaccinated except the baby. The vaccine prevents severe illness and OP already said DH’s illness doesn’t increase his risk for Covid. It’s up the the grandparents to decide their risk tolerance. Covid isn’t going away and all but the youngest children can now get vaccinated if they choose. Life must go on.

Life must go on does not mean people have to spend the night in the same bedroom together. We are in the middle of a surge. And it is attitude like yours that are going to make the surge worse for us. I just hope it’s people like you who wind up in the hospital rather than my family.

Wow. I hope nobody ends up in the hospital. We are all vaccinated, we don’t socialize in large groups, and we mask for essential errands. We will start seeing family at the holidays again. We aren’t the reason for the surge.

Are you living under a rock? People are getting Covid left and right the past week or two. In the past week I’ve had five different friends who are boostered and who are smart enough to wear a mask in stores etc. get Covid. Tho I don’t think they wear n95s. If any of you work in person or leave your house or go to school, then you could have Covid and you could give it to your family members. Who will then go back to work or school and give it to other people. If you think you can’t get or spread Covid just because you’re vaccinated, where have you been? It’s not May 2021.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

Hello, there’s a pandemic right now. This is an exceptional situation.

Everybody is vaccinated except the baby. The vaccine prevents severe illness and OP already said DH’s illness doesn’t increase his risk for Covid. It’s up the the grandparents to decide their risk tolerance. Covid isn’t going away and all but the youngest children can now get vaccinated if they choose. Life must go on.

Life must go on does not mean people have to spend the night in the same bedroom together. We are in the middle of a surge. And it is attitude like yours that are going to make the surge worse for us. I just hope it’s people like you who wind up in the hospital rather than my family.

Wow. I hope nobody ends up in the hospital. We are all vaccinated, we don’t socialize in large groups, and we mask for essential errands. We will start seeing family at the holidays again. We aren’t the reason for the surge.

Are you living under a rock? People are getting Covid left and right the past week or two. In the past week I’ve had five different friends who are boostered and who are smart enough to wear a mask in stores etc. get Covid. Tho I don’t think they wear n95s. If any of you work in person or leave your house or go to school, then you could have Covid and you could give it to your family members. Who will then go back to work or school and give it to other people. If you think you can’t get or spread Covid just because you’re vaccinated, where have you been? It’s not May 2021.

I don’t think I can’t get or spread it just because I’m vaccinated. Of course that’s not that the case. But the vaccine is very effective at preventing severe illness. Covid isn’t going to be eradicated. I wish it would go away just as badly as you, trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

Hello, there’s a pandemic right now. This is an exceptional situation.

Everybody is vaccinated except the baby. The vaccine prevents severe illness and OP already said DH’s illness doesn’t increase his risk for Covid. It’s up the the grandparents to decide their risk tolerance. Covid isn’t going away and all but the youngest children can now get vaccinated if they choose. Life must go on.

Life must go on does not mean people have to spend the night in the same bedroom together. We are in the middle of a surge. And it is attitude like yours that are going to make the surge worse for us. I just hope it’s people like you who wind up in the hospital rather than my family.

Wow. I hope nobody ends up in the hospital. We are all vaccinated, we don’t socialize in large groups, and we mask for essential errands. We will start seeing family at the holidays again. We aren’t the reason for the surge.

Are you living under a rock? People are getting Covid left and right the past week or two. In the past week I’ve had five different friends who are boostered and who are smart enough to wear a mask in stores etc. get Covid. Tho I don’t think they wear n95s. If any of you work in person or leave your house or go to school, then you could have Covid and you could give it to your family members. Who will then go back to work or school and give it to other people. If you think you can’t get or spread Covid just because you’re vaccinated, where have you been? It’s not May 2021.

I don’t think I can’t get or spread it just because I’m vaccinated. Of course that’s not that the case. But the vaccine is very effective at preventing severe illness. Covid isn’t going to be eradicated. I wish it would go away just as badly as you, trust me.

Well have fun getting Covid. With that attitude, you’re going to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

Hello, there’s a pandemic right now. This is an exceptional situation.

Everybody is vaccinated except the baby. The vaccine prevents severe illness and OP already said DH’s illness doesn’t increase his risk for Covid. It’s up the the grandparents to decide their risk tolerance. Covid isn’t going away and all but the youngest children can now get vaccinated if they choose. Life must go on.

Life must go on does not mean people have to spend the night in the same bedroom together. We are in the middle of a surge. And it is attitude like yours that are going to make the surge worse for us. I just hope it’s people like you who wind up in the hospital rather than my family.

Wow. I hope nobody ends up in the hospital. We are all vaccinated, we don’t socialize in large groups, and we mask for essential errands. We will start seeing family at the holidays again. We aren’t the reason for the surge.

Are you living under a rock? People are getting Covid left and right the past week or two. In the past week I’ve had five different friends who are boostered and who are smart enough to wear a mask in stores etc. get Covid. Tho I don’t think they wear n95s. If any of you work in person or leave your house or go to school, then you could have Covid and you could give it to your family members. Who will then go back to work or school and give it to other people. If you think you can’t get or spread Covid just because you’re vaccinated, where have you been? It’s not May 2021.

I don’t think I can’t get or spread it just because I’m vaccinated. Of course that’s not that the case. But the vaccine is very effective at preventing severe illness. Covid isn’t going to be eradicated. I wish it would go away just as badly as you, trust me.

It is effective, but it's less effective in elderly people with health issues. So, taking precautions in a household that includes elderly people with health issues makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to find a compromise. They are right to be upset that their kids don't get as much time or traditions because you took over grandma's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that you are trying to be too controlling. First, it’s unclear what the ‘COVID reasons’ are for you moving into your IL’s for two years. There may be some family questions and resentments there. Plenty of people are disabled but don’t move in with parents, particularly with a spouse and kids.

I think the only appropriate thing to do here is to have DH suck it up and stay in his room, and you chill regarding masks and the kids as they will all be vaccinated. It’s not your house even if you are living there on what sounds like a permanent basis. I see the frustration of your DH’s siblings. Basically, they don’t get to have their traditions reinstated because you all have moved in. I think it’s up to you to make it work for everyone, even if your DH has to stay in his room for a bit, after all you are living there for presumably, free or at least in exchange of child care or something.

This plan involves the original poster and her kids. She does get to control who her kids sleep with during a pandemic. She’s even suggested that she would be willing to move her family out of the house. I don’t think the hotel is a good idea though because I think that’s even more of a Covid risk. And it might be really hard to find an Airbnb this late. They should just stick to the other plan. The in-laws are being jerks.

Come on- this is clearly a passive aggressive non-realistic offer. No reasonable person is going to double down and say- yes please vacate the rooms you are now living full time in and go stay at a hotel so that my kids can have their traditional Christmas sleepover at the grandparents. Instead they’ll just have to suck it up and accept their kids missing out on family traditions because Op and family have already staked their claim by moving in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

Hello, there’s a pandemic right now. This is an exceptional situation.

Everybody is vaccinated except the baby. The vaccine prevents severe illness and OP already said DH’s illness doesn’t increase his risk for Covid. It’s up the the grandparents to decide their risk tolerance. Covid isn’t going away and all but the youngest children can now get vaccinated if they choose. Life must go on.

Life must go on does not mean people have to spend the night in the same bedroom together. We are in the middle of a surge. And it is attitude like yours that are going to make the surge worse for us. I just hope it’s people like you who wind up in the hospital rather than my family.

Wow. I hope nobody ends up in the hospital. We are all vaccinated, we don’t socialize in large groups, and we mask for essential errands. We will start seeing family at the holidays again. We aren’t the reason for the surge.

Are you living under a rock? People are getting Covid left and right the past week or two. In the past week I’ve had five different friends who are boostered and who are smart enough to wear a mask in stores etc. get Covid. Tho I don’t think they wear n95s. If any of you work in person or leave your house or go to school, then you could have Covid and you could give it to your family members. Who will then go back to work or school and give it to other people. If you think you can’t get or spread Covid just because you’re vaccinated, where have you been? It’s not May 2021.

I don’t think I can’t get or spread it just because I’m vaccinated. Of course that’s not that the case. But the vaccine is very effective at preventing severe illness. Covid isn’t going to be eradicated. I wish it would go away just as badly as you, trust me.

Well have fun getting Covid. With that attitude, you’re going to.

And I’ll be fine. Because I’m fully vaccinated and I have the booster. Crawl back under your rock until the end of time because guess what, it’s always going to be like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the sibling likely does not fully understand your husbands illness and is feeling hurt and rejected. Especially since it’s you, not your DH, making the plans.

Even though it makes logical sense, I can see why the sibling feels hurt that you and your kids get to be unmasked and normal with their parents. And they and thier kids get an outside drop by visit. Why not have everyone test and then all get together? Your DH can stay in your room if he gets overwhelmed.

So, my kids don't get to spend Christmas with their own father? My DH doesn't celebrate Christmas?

No, you can celebrate together, but you don’t break up other peoples traditions when you are staying in someone else’s house. You need to find something that works for your family that doesn’t require others to change their traditions for you.

I don't know, I think people have to be flexible and realize that traditions have to morph and change. What if OP's family also had a tradition of all cousins waking up together on Xmas morning? Clearly the kids can't be with two sets of cousins/grandparents at once. Something has to give and it should not be OP's DH's health. I think her family should make it clear that if others sleep over, her family will go to a hotel. And then see what happens. Either way OP will be prioritizing her family's well being. it won't be good for her kids if her DH gets worse due to trying to maintain an Xmas tradition.

By taking this position OP’s family is putting the grandparents (who actually own the house!) in an incredibly unfair situation of having to choose between their children. Either having to tell the non resident children that they are no longer welcome to stay over on Christmas Eve per tradition or feeling like they are displacing the son and his family that are living with them. As guests in the grandparents home the op and DH should try harder to find a way to make things work without blowing up the family tradition and making others feel unwelcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

Hello, there’s a pandemic right now. This is an exceptional situation.

Everybody is vaccinated except the baby. The vaccine prevents severe illness and OP already said DH’s illness doesn’t increase his risk for Covid. It’s up the the grandparents to decide their risk tolerance. Covid isn’t going away and all but the youngest children can now get vaccinated if they choose. Life must go on.

Life must go on does not mean people have to spend the night in the same bedroom together. We are in the middle of a surge. And it is attitude like yours that are going to make the surge worse for us. I just hope it’s people like you who wind up in the hospital rather than my family.

Wow. I hope nobody ends up in the hospital. We are all vaccinated, we don’t socialize in large groups, and we mask for essential errands. We will start seeing family at the holidays again. We aren’t the reason for the surge.

Are you living under a rock? People are getting Covid left and right the past week or two. In the past week I’ve had five different friends who are boostered and who are smart enough to wear a mask in stores etc. get Covid. Tho I don’t think they wear n95s. If any of you work in person or leave your house or go to school, then you could have Covid and you could give it to your family members. Who will then go back to work or school and give it to other people. If you think you can’t get or spread Covid just because you’re vaccinated, where have you been? It’s not May 2021.

I don’t think I can’t get or spread it just because I’m vaccinated. Of course that’s not that the case. But the vaccine is very effective at preventing severe illness. Covid isn’t going to be eradicated. I wish it would go away just as badly as you, trust me.

Well have fun getting Covid. With that attitude, you’re going to.

You don’t sound like a good person, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

Hello, there’s a pandemic right now. This is an exceptional situation.

Everybody is vaccinated except the baby. The vaccine prevents severe illness and OP already said DH’s illness doesn’t increase his risk for Covid. It’s up the the grandparents to decide their risk tolerance. Covid isn’t going away and all but the youngest children can now get vaccinated if they choose. Life must go on.

Life must go on does not mean people have to spend the night in the same bedroom together. We are in the middle of a surge. And it is attitude like yours that are going to make the surge worse for us. I just hope it’s people like you who wind up in the hospital rather than my family.

Wow. I hope nobody ends up in the hospital. We are all vaccinated, we don’t socialize in large groups, and we mask for essential errands. We will start seeing family at the holidays again. We aren’t the reason for the surge.

Are you living under a rock? People are getting Covid left and right the past week or two. In the past week I’ve had five different friends who are boostered and who are smart enough to wear a mask in stores etc. get Covid. Tho I don’t think they wear n95s. If any of you work in person or leave your house or go to school, then you could have Covid and you could give it to your family members. Who will then go back to work or school and give it to other people. If you think you can’t get or spread Covid just because you’re vaccinated, where have you been? It’s not May 2021.

I don’t think I can’t get or spread it just because I’m vaccinated. Of course that’s not that the case. But the vaccine is very effective at preventing severe illness. Covid isn’t going to be eradicated. I wish it would go away just as badly as you, trust me.

Well have fun getting Covid. With that attitude, you’re going to.

You don’t sound like a good person, OP.

Not a single post quoted above is me. I might or might not be a good person, but you can't judge it from that. -- OP

[Anonymous]

You lived rent free for 2 years....stay in a hotel..dont be selfish

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lived rent free for 2 years....stay in a hotel..dont be selfish

Where did I say we don't pay rent?

I'd be thrilled to stay in a hotel. Sibling has said that if that happens they won't come because there's "no point" if the cousins (my kids) aren't there.