When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lived rent free for 2 years....stay in a hotel..dont be selfish

Where did I say we don't pay rent?

I'd be thrilled to stay in a hotel. Sibling has said that if that happens they won't come because there's "no point" if the cousins (my kids) aren't there.

Leave your kids with them and have a night with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't your DH just stay in your room while the rest of the family does Christmas? I agree, this is unfair to the rest of the family, and your argument about no space makes no sense when you say you've done this in the past.

OP I’m really sorry for your husband and your family. This is so tough for everyone because of the pandemic, which I’m sure to you and your husband pales in comparison with your husband’s illness. Honestly I think if it were me, I’d stay and try to figure out what my spouse could handle and include him in parts of the celebration. I’d bow out of all chores and divide my time between my spouse and the rest of the family when he needs breaks.

Your other choice is a hotel but honestly that won’t make anyone happy. Your family isn’t going to have a great time knowing that the cousins are together and they’re stuck in a room with Door Dash. Between this and the bad will your doing this would cause, I’d really try to make a plan that allows you to stay without jeopardizing your husbands health.

Not the same thing but a couple of years ago I was kind of in your shoes when one of my kids developed serious and life threatening mental health issues right before Thanksgiving. They were unable to function or leave the house without great trauma and everything caused decomponsation. So I get the fear and the struggle. I’m sorry and I hope you and your family find peace during this holiday season.

[Anonymous]

What is the illness? Is it mental illness?

I think I would be upset if a sibling lived at my parents’ house and I wasn’t allowed to spend time together on Christmas.

If my sibling has a severe illness, I would want to help in every way possible. I would not think trying to spend time together would make the illness worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the illness? Is it mental illness?

I think I would be upset if a sibling lived at my parents’ house and I wasn’t allowed to spend time together on Christmas.

If my sibling has a severe illness, I would want to help in every way possible. I would not think trying to spend time together would make the illness worse.

OP said neurological, which is why MS was mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the illness? Is it mental illness?

I think I would be upset if a sibling lived at my parents’ house and I wasn’t allowed to spend time together on Christmas.

If my sibling has a severe illness, I would want to help in every way possible. I would not think trying to spend time together would make the illness worse.

No one has said they aren't allowed to spend time with their parents. The parents have offered to come visit and even spend the night at their house to be there when the kids wake up. Another sibling has invited them to spend all afternoon with grandparents there.

His medical team is very clear that fatigue and stress are triggers. Adding small children, including a baby who doesn't sleep through the night, to the house increases that. My nieces and nephews won't get that they can't wake up at 5:30 and shriek in delight about what Santa brought. They're too little. My kids, who are both older and used to living with illness will be happy to open up the new video game we'll leave at the foot of their bed, and sneak downstairs to play until Dad wakes up, allowing him the best chance of making it through the parts of the day that are most important to him and then.

[Anonymous]

Your husband can suck it up for 1 night. Your kids sleep on the floor of your room. Sibling and their kids can figure out sleeping arrangements based on leftover space in house. Your husband can retire to his room at any point during the day/night if he gets overwhelmed.

You need to work on a plan to find your own housing post-Christmas. This sleepover is the start of issues to come due to uou living with the in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the illness? Is it mental illness?

I think I would be upset if a sibling lived at my parents’ house and I wasn’t allowed to spend time together on Christmas.

If my sibling has a severe illness, I would want to help in every way possible. I would not think trying to spend time together would make the illness worse.

No one has said they aren't allowed to spend time with their parents. The parents have offered to come visit and even spend the night at their house to be there when the kids wake up. Another sibling has invited them to spend all afternoon with grandparents there.

His medical team is very clear that fatigue and stress are triggers. Adding small children, including a baby who doesn't sleep through the night, to the house increases that. My nieces and nephews won't get that they can't wake up at 5:30 and shriek in delight about what Santa brought. They're too little. My kids, who are both older and used to living with illness will be happy to open up the new video game we'll leave at the foot of their bed, and sneak downstairs to play until Dad wakes up, allowing him the best chance of making it through the parts of the day that are most important to him and then.

Then he can wear ear plugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the illness? Is it mental illness?

I think I would be upset if a sibling lived at my parents’ house and I wasn’t allowed to spend time together on Christmas.

If my sibling has a severe illness, I would want to help in every way possible. I would not think trying to spend time together would make the illness worse.

No one has said they aren't allowed to spend time with their parents. The parents have offered to come visit and even spend the night at their house to be there when the kids wake up. Another sibling has invited them to spend all afternoon with grandparents there.

His medical team is very clear that fatigue and stress are triggers. Adding small children, including a baby who doesn't sleep through the night, to the house increases that. My nieces and nephews won't get that they can't wake up at 5:30 and shriek in delight about what Santa brought. They're too little. My kids, who are both older and used to living with illness will be happy to open up the new video game we'll leave at the foot of their bed, and sneak downstairs to play until Dad wakes up, allowing him the best chance of making it through the parts of the day that are most important to him and then.

Op I get that you’re in a tough situation right now and are prioritizing the needs of your immediate family but your in-laws should not need to vacate their own home to spend Christmas morning with their grandkids. You are setting up a situation to foster lasting resentment across the extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the sibling likely does not fully understand your husbands illness and is feeling hurt and rejected. Especially since it’s you, not your DH, making the plans.

Even though it makes logical sense, I can see why the sibling feels hurt that you and your kids get to be unmasked and normal with their parents. And they and thier kids get an outside drop by visit. Why not have everyone test and then all get together? Your DH can stay in your room if he gets overwhelmed.

So, my kids don't get to spend Christmas with their own father? My DH doesn't celebrate Christmas?

No, you can celebrate together, but you don’t break up other peoples traditions when you are staying in someone else’s house. You need to find something that works for your family that doesn’t require others to change their traditions for you.

So, if their tradition is waking up with my kids, I just have to let them. I can't go to a hotel, unless I leave my kids behind?

That is correct. Although I doubt they view their tradition as ‘waking up with your children’ but rather ‘waking up with their grandparents’.

No. The other mother complained when OP said they would go to a hotel, because boohoo, her kids would be positively TRAUMATIZED by not waking up with their grandparents AND cousins. Absurd.

[Anonymous]

Don't the grandparents want to do what is best for their own son's health? I am surprised no one seems that worried about his well-being vs some Christmas tradition that is not a great idea in the age of COVID anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I and our kids (tween and teen) live with his parents. We moved in for pandemic related reasons, and then stayed, in part because DH has developed a serious illness, which has caused permanent disability. We are still adjusting to that.

DH's sibling used to live far away and came home with her kids every year for Christmas, staying with my in laws. Of course last year was different due to the pandemic. This year they moved back to the state, and live close by. They have more kids than we do, and their kids are younger, including a young baby.

Last week I sat down with all of DH's parents and siblings and we made a plan for Christmas (DH is really not in a place to do this, due to illness). We agreed that we'd each do Christmas morning at our own house, and then meet at another sibling's house in the afternoon to exchange gifts, play games and have a feast. I like this plan. DH's stamina is a huge issue, and he gets overwhelmed by kid chaos. So, allowing him to focus on our kids in the morning makes sense to me. Plus my in laws are older, and one has major health issues that make covid a high risk despite vaccination. Gathering for a shorter time period with masks seems to make sense to me. Our plan was to either eat outside with heater, or if it rains to move inside and eat in family groups. Other than the baby, everyone will be masked and vaccinated.

Today, DH's sibling announced that this plan is "unfair". They feels that the house is theirs as much as DH's, and that their kids are entitled to sleep over and wake up at Grandma's for Christmas, just the way they've always done. They think DH should suck it up, and can handle one day. I am actually not sure he can without relapse. Plus, that doesn't address the covid concern. We don't have enough bedrooms to do this without doubling up kids from different families, and of course they can't sleep with masks.

I've proposed that they come here, and we go somewhere else (hotel?). I've also proposed that they invite grandparents to their house. But apparently the tradition is waking up with grandparents and cousins (we used to go for a sleepover on Christmas Eve), so neither of those suggestions was acceptable. DH's other siblings either have adult children, or no children.

DH's parents initially thought the plan made sense. They live with DH, so they have a better sense of how he's doing. But they don't like seeing any of their kids upset at Christmas so they are hoping there's some compromise.

OP I’m sorry that your husband is going through health issues- I’m sure it’s been tough. At the same time it’s probably hard for your DH’s sibling (who may not fully understand the extent of your husband’s medical situation) to feel like their kids are playing second fiddle to yours in the grandparent relationship and that your moving in with the parents is limiting their own ability to maintain those ties. Having to give up a family tradition of sleeping over at the grandparents house because your family has moved in and « has dibs » on the rooms, etc, may be the latest in a string of frustrations/perceived injustices in their eyes.

OP said her husband was recently hospitalized for two months. If his own damn sibling "doesn't fully understand the extent of his illness," the sibling is either an idiot or a child.

[Anonymous]

If fatigue and stress are triggers you need to be living in your own place. You can't be serious with this. There is no world in which your DH is less stressed by living in his parents house.

Get it together OP and don't ruin Christmas for everyone I clueing your own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband can suck it up for 1 night. Your kids sleep on the floor of your room. Sibling and their kids can figure out sleeping arrangements based on leftover space in house. Your husband can retire to his room at any point during the day/night if he gets overwhelmed.

You need to work on a plan to find your own housing post-Christmas. This sleepover is the start of issues to come due to uou living with the in-laws.

+100. If your husband is so medically fragile that being in the same house overnight with young children is going to send him into decline you need to get your own living space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't the grandparents want to do what is best for their own son's health? I am surprised no one seems that worried about his well-being vs some Christmas tradition that is not a great idea in the age of COVID anyway.

The grandparents were fine with the original plan. They are also fine with the plan of going to either this sibling's house, or to the other sibling's house and having this sibling come too. They didn't like my hotel plan very much. They are still holding out hope that there is a plan that will make everyone happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't the grandparents want to do what is best for their own son's health? I am surprised no one seems that worried about his well-being vs some Christmas tradition that is not a great idea in the age of COVID anyway.

Most likely they think one night is not a big deal. This isn’t a one room cabin. OP’s husband can retire to his room any time he’s feeling too tired/overwhelmed.