Regret not having kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

I know someone in a similar situation but I'm not sure if she regrets it. Think of all that money and free time! lol

Think of growing alone and nobody taking care of you… oh wait, that’s USA 101

Seriously. My mother has two children and neither of us plans to "take care of her." Just as she didn't take care of her parents. And just as no parent should expect their child to do.

Many of the parents I know are worried about whether they'll be taking care of their adult children forever. Thanks, no thanks.

-- Blissfully child-free

[Anonymous]

Pp- so you take care of no one but yourself? I presume that means your mother will be cared for by nurses as she ages as will you? Do you and your brother pay for her nurse or do others?

[Anonymous]

Posted too quickly. Sorry pp.

Pp- I am asking you whether you feel any personal responsibility to care for your parent? It is a foreign concept to me to not desire to care for parents who gave so much. I am from a different culture though so I trying to understand.

Perhaps your parents did not give so much in which case I do understand. I don’t think one has children to have caretakers. The opposite is true. One has children because the love and happiness one feels towards them FAR outweighs anything a child could ever do in return. Caring for a child to have a built in nurse is stupid crazy. A nurse is much cheaper and easier. Yet, a nurse is nothing compared to the joy a child brings.

[Anonymous]

My brother and sil are in their early 50’s and have been married 26 years. They never had children, never wanted children and have zero regrets. They own a small, non shedding dog and they have a white couch (something a mom would never buy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only people I know well who don't have kids are women who aged out of having them prior to finding the right relationship. They regret that they didn't have kids, but I suppose feel that it was out of their hands. They more generally regret how their lives turned out.
I personally tried to have kids as a single mother. Although it was not successful, I am very glad that I tried (despite the expense and toll it took on my life). I think that I would regret it if I hadn't.

I never managed to get married, but I knew my biggest regret would be not having kids rather than not having a husband. I adopted and it was the best thing I ever did.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

Of course she regrets it now. If she had kids 25 years ago they’d be launched and out of her hair. She’s probably seeing her friends getting visits from adult kids.

[Anonymous]

No, I do not regret not having children at all. I’m 67 and while grandchildren would be fun, I always knew that I was too hyper and too driven to be a good mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

I know someone in a similar situation but I'm not sure if she regrets it. Think of all that money and free time! lol

Think of growing alone and nobody taking care of you… oh wait, that’s USA 101

All the people left alone in nursing homes aren’t all childfree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think women are given a weird message of "you don't need to have kids to have a fulfilling life! You'll travel and have fun!" I'm sure that's true but it's also true that having kids is also fulfilling and fun and involves travel. I think sometimes women get caught up in the idea that their lives will be better in certain ways if they don't have kids and over time they see things aren't so clear cut and they might have just missed out on something they would have loved.

Maybe. But on the flip side of this, especially for UMC educated women with careers and travels and relationships they enjoy, there is a huge push towards being "real" about motherhood that I think is a HUGE deterrent to many women. "You'll have your undercarriage torn asshole to clit! You'll never be able to jog again without pissing yourself! You liked to travel, welcome to budget lodging and Disney. You thought 16 hour days of working were bad with no weekends? Being a MAMA is worse and going to be so much more horrible than anything you've experienced!" etc. etc. The message is basically, "If you want to be a mom you need to abandon your former self almost entirely. NOTHING will be the same and your life will flip so completely because you could NEVER understand what it's like until you're there. And it is.going.to.suck."

That's....scary to thoughtful people?

I'm a fence-sitter who had accidental twins at 40. At least for me the latter message was received much more clearly than any kind of, "young, fun, travel" message about having kids. And I kinda lived both lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think women are given a weird message of "you don't need to have kids to have a fulfilling life! You'll travel and have fun!" I'm sure that's true but it's also true that having kids is also fulfilling and fun and involves travel. I think sometimes women get caught up in the idea that their lives will be better in certain ways if they don't have kids and over time they see things aren't so clear cut and they might have just missed out on something they would have loved.

Maybe. But on the flip side of this, especially for UMC educated women with careers and travels and relationships they enjoy, there is a huge push towards being "real" about motherhood that I think is a HUGE deterrent to many women. "You'll have your undercarriage torn asshole to clit! You'll never be able to jog again without pissing yourself! You liked to travel, welcome to budget lodging and Disney. You thought 16 hour days of working were bad with no weekends? Being a MAMA is worse and going to be so much more horrible than anything you've experienced!" etc. etc. The message is basically, "If you want to be a mom you need to abandon your former self almost entirely. NOTHING will be the same and your life will flip so completely because you could NEVER understand what it's like until you're there. And it is.going.to.suck."

That's....scary to thoughtful people?

I'm a fence-sitter who had accidental twins at 40. At least for me the latter message was received much more clearly than any kind of, "young, fun, travel" message about having kids. And I kinda lived both lives.

Midforties childless women here. Yep. So many mothers complain about how much it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

I know someone in a similar situation but I'm not sure if she regrets it. Think of all that money and free time! lol

Think of growing alone and nobody taking care of you… oh wait, that’s USA 101

Not this tired line again. Go visit several nursing homes and see how many people living in them have living children, then report back.

[Anonymous]

Late 40's and didn't have children and no regrets here.

I have two close friends with no children same age, no regrets and I know a handful of other people who are childfree and don't seem to regret anything. A couple of those people are much older and retired.

Is your sister going through a phase in life where her doubts may be related to something else. A period of stagnation, her friends are busy with young kids, she has just retired. She may be going through a change and just a little unsure at the moment. Did she decide more for what her husband wanted rather than what she really wanted?

In the end some people will regret their choices in life and others will be happy.

I am happy if people have kids and are happy with their choices. I am still not sure why people with kids feel so adamant about telling others how unhappy they will be later in life if they don't have kids. I am still not sure why people with kids seem to get so upset people don't have kids or are quick to pity them.

The number of times I have read that people will be lonely in older age. Children are not the only family people have. People also have friends. People can move through life with long lasting meaningful relationships of a different variety. I get there is a different bond between parent and child however I have never wanted to experience that. Not sure why but I just don't need it and so because of that I don't miss it or long for it or regret that I don't have it. I have never wanted that responsibility.

I'm sorry your sister is going through a hard time. Perhaps have another chat to her and ask her what's going on. Its possible that she is going through a blah phase and she will eventually move on from this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think women are given a weird message of "you don't need to have kids to have a fulfilling life! You'll travel and have fun!" I'm sure that's true but it's also true that having kids is also fulfilling and fun and involves travel. I think sometimes women get caught up in the idea that their lives will be better in certain ways if they don't have kids and over time they see things aren't so clear cut and they might have just missed out on something they would have loved.

Maybe. But on the flip side of this, especially for UMC educated women with careers and travels and relationships they enjoy, there is a huge push towards being "real" about motherhood that I think is a HUGE deterrent to many women. "You'll have your undercarriage torn asshole to clit! You'll never be able to jog again without pissing yourself! You liked to travel, welcome to budget lodging and Disney. You thought 16 hour days of working were bad with no weekends? Being a MAMA is worse and going to be so much more horrible than anything you've experienced!" etc. etc. The message is basically, "If you want to be a mom you need to abandon your former self almost entirely. NOTHING will be the same and your life will flip so completely because you could NEVER understand what it's like until you're there. And it is.going.to.suck."

That's....scary to thoughtful people?

I'm a fence-sitter who had accidental twins at 40. At least for me the latter message was received much more clearly than any kind of, "young, fun, travel" message about having kids. And I kinda lived both lives.

+1. Fence sitter with one kid here (planned and wanted, but stopped at one). I hate this cultural trend, and I did have a rough time as a new pandemic parent, but even then I didn't abandon my former self or even stop traveling and going out with friends.

[Anonymous]

I knew of someone who didn't want to have kids when they were married. I think she just went along with whatever the husband wanted. Ten years later, he was caught cheating and had a kid with someone else. Then, it was too late for her to have her own kids in her 40s. Meanwhile the ex-husband keeps posting wonderful pics of the new baby and how great life is with a child. That's painful to see. She has step-kids now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

Of course she regrets it now. If she had kids 25 years ago they’d be launched and out of her hair. She’s probably seeing her friends getting visits from adult kids.

That's a really good insight. I'm the 48 year old with no regrets (yet, who knows what the future brings). And I never, ever, ever see people with young kids and wish I could have some of what they've got. But I definitely can understand how you'd wish you had relationships with adult kids. That seems like a much more enjoyable relationship.

I guess for many of us who chose not to have kids, the thing is do you want 20 years of having to raise children for the prospect of later years of getting to enjoy them as adults. I chose no for that - even aware that the tradeoff is that I won't get those later years that I might have liked; I just thought I would so dislike the child raising years that it wasn't worth it.

Will I regret it? I don't know! It's hard to predict the future. I do know that today, when I see people with babies and young children, I don't wish I could trade places with them.