Regret not having kids?

[Anonymous]

My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

I know someone in a similar situation but I'm not sure if she regrets it. Think of all that money and free time! lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

I know someone in a similar situation but I'm not sure if she regrets it. Think of all that money and free time! lol

Then you don't know someone in a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

I’ve heard that this is a thing - but how can they know? Parenthood is an ongoing gamble.

[Anonymous]

The grass is always greener, but you have to live with your choices. Kids aren’t easy.

[Anonymous]

I have absolutely no regrets.

Some wild-guessing and projecting here - but could it be perhaps your sister had some sort of idea her DH's kids would accept her and she would be integrated into their lives? Obviously not as "mom" but as a happy addition to the family. She may have thought it would be enough to fulfill her basic desire for children in her life.

Maybe that didn't happen for whatever reason, and she is feeling sad about this reality. This may be especially true if the kids are having kids of their own. Her DH might be experiencing grandparenthood now and your sister is still the outsider.

Is that a possibility?

[Anonymous]

I'm in this boat, but with infertility. Same dh for 20+ years.
Friends who are similar have fewer regrets if they married late and the dh's adult kids accept them as step-grandma.

I regretted not being able to have kids or adopt for a long time, but the pandemic and state of the world have made me be at peace.

If I was in a step mom situation, where it was made abundantly clear I was not a "real" grandmother, it would be a more hurtful situation. Think grandparenting is the "fun" parenting, and is somewhat more hurtful to miss out on at this age than even having kids.

[Anonymous]

The only people I know well who don't have kids are women who aged out of having them prior to finding the right relationship. They regret that they didn't have kids, but I suppose feel that it was out of their hands. They more generally regret how their lives turned out.
I personally tried to have kids as a single mother. Although it was not successful, I am very glad that I tried (despite the expense and toll it took on my life). I think that I would regret it if I hadn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have absolutely no regrets.

Some wild-guessing and projecting here - but could it be perhaps your sister had some sort of idea her DH's kids would accept her and she would be integrated into their lives? Obviously not as "mom" but as a happy addition to the family. She may have thought it would be enough to fulfill her basic desire for children in her life.

Maybe that didn't happen for whatever reason, and she is feeling sad about this reality. This may be especially true if the kids are having kids of their own. Her DH might be experiencing grandparenthood now and your sister is still the outsider.

Is that a possibility?

Honestly, no. She was never fond of her step kids. The ex wife had primary custody and my sister never really saw them that much -- or cared to. I don't think she went into the marriage thinking she'd have any kind of special bond with his kids. Frankly, when they first got married he didn't have much of a relationship with the kids either. That's probably why he said he'd prefer not having more.

[Anonymous]

I don't regret it yet. I'm 48. I do think it would be fun to have grandkids, and I'm sorry I won't get that experience - but I don't want to have kids just for the possibility of one day having grandkids.

Otherwise, I am very happy being a loving aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

People always want something they cannot have. Why were you surprised?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only people I know well who don't have kids are women who aged out of having them prior to finding the right relationship. They regret that they didn't have kids, but I suppose feel that it was out of their hands. They more generally regret how their lives turned out.
I personally tried to have kids as a single mother. Although it was not successful, I am very glad that I tried (despite the expense and toll it took on my life). I think that I would regret it if I hadn't.

If you don't know any women who have elected not to have kids despite being in the "right" relationship then you have a very small social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

My friend who is 57 got married at 27 and insisted no kids. His wife was on fence but agreed. All was well till he hit 50 and said you know if you got pregnant by accident I would have liked it. Then he threw out why did you not ever forget your birth control pill. The mil found out and also a bit pissed. They stayed married.

But they both early retired and he is bored. He also did well. Big house in Florida on water, sports car, fancy boat and a high seven figure stock portfolio with no one to give it to. The fun he had on 30-50 while friends tied down with kids is coming back to bite him.

I would not be surprised if he got some Florida last pregnant. Not too late for him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only people I know well who don't have kids are women who aged out of having them prior to finding the right relationship. They regret that they didn't have kids, but I suppose feel that it was out of their hands. They more generally regret how their lives turned out.
I personally tried to have kids as a single mother. Although it was not successful, I am very glad that I tried (despite the expense and toll it took on my life). I think that I would regret it if I hadn't.

If you don't know any women who have elected not to have kids despite being in the "right" relationship then you have a very small social circle.

I never claimed to have a large social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

People always want something they cannot have. Why were you surprised?

For one thing, people don't "always want something they cannot have." I sure don't.