Regret not having kids?

[Anonymous]

I think women are given a weird message of "you don't need to have kids to have a fulfilling life! You'll travel and have fun!" I'm sure that's true but it's also true that having kids is also fulfilling and fun and involves travel. I think sometimes women get caught up in the idea that their lives will be better in certain ways if they don't have kids and over time they see things aren't so clear cut and they might have just missed out on something they would have loved.

[Anonymous]

I am mid forties with no kids. I have health issues that would have made raising kids harder, though I still could of done it.

I suspect that I will be very sad not to have grown kids and grandchildren. But I decided that I should not spend twenty years of my life raising kids when it seems so daunting to me, just so I would potentially be happier when I was over sixty.

I’m dating someone with kids. If we marry and they have kids and I can be a step grandma, great. I do know people who are close to their step grandma, but I also know those who are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if it's not having kids itself that she regrets, or that her husband did not change his mind at some point and want to have kids with her?

I don't think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think women are given a weird message of "you don't need to have kids to have a fulfilling life! You'll travel and have fun!" I'm sure that's true but it's also true that having kids is also fulfilling and fun and involves travel. I think sometimes women get caught up in the idea that their lives will be better in certain ways if they don't have kids and over time they see things aren't so clear cut and they might have just missed out on something they would have loved.

Women weren't being told that very much when my sister made her decision 20+ years ago.

[Anonymous]

Don't forget there is a counter-balancing number of people who regret they had kids. Yes, they probably love their kids, but still rather wish they'd chosen the other route. They just seldom speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The grass is always greener, but you have to live with your choices. Kids aren’t easy.

Exactly. But you don't know what the other path looks like without going down it. We ended up in the opposite situation: we had kids but wish we didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have absolutely no regrets.

Some wild-guessing and projecting here - but could it be perhaps your sister had some sort of idea her DH's kids would accept her and she would be integrated into their lives? Obviously not as "mom" but as a happy addition to the family. She may have thought it would be enough to fulfill her basic desire for children in her life.

Maybe that didn't happen for whatever reason, and she is feeling sad about this reality. This may be especially true if the kids are having kids of their own. Her DH might be experiencing grandparenthood now and your sister is still the outsider.

Is that a possibility?

Honestly, no. She was never fond of her step kids. The ex wife had primary custody and my sister never really saw them that much -- or cared to. I don't think she went into the marriage thinking she'd have any kind of special bond with his kids. Frankly, when they first got married he didn't have much of a relationship with the kids either. That's probably why he said he'd prefer not having more.

Sounds like neither of them were cut out for parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

I know someone in a similar situation but I'm not sure if she regrets it. Think of all that money and free time! lol

Think of growing alone and nobody taking care of you… oh wait, that’s USA 101

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have absolutely no regrets.

Some wild-guessing and projecting here - but could it be perhaps your sister had some sort of idea her DH's kids would accept her and she would be integrated into their lives? Obviously not as "mom" but as a happy addition to the family. She may have thought it would be enough to fulfill her basic desire for children in her life.

Maybe that didn't happen for whatever reason, and she is feeling sad about this reality. This may be especially true if the kids are having kids of their own. Her DH might be experiencing grandparenthood now and your sister is still the outsider.

Is that a possibility?

Honestly, no. She was never fond of her step kids. The ex wife had primary custody and my sister never really saw them that much -- or cared to. I don't think she went into the marriage thinking she'd have any kind of special bond with his kids. Frankly, when they first got married he didn't have much of a relationship with the kids either. That's probably why he said he'd prefer not having more.

Sounds like neither of them were cut out for parenthood.

Is a requirement for parenthood that you like all kids?

[Anonymous]

Kids are about creating legacy. No kids, no legacy. When you leave the earth, you're gone. Nobody will remember you.

But your kids would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are about creating legacy. No kids, no legacy. When you leave the earth, you're gone. Nobody will remember you.

But your kids would.

Then they die, too -- and the memory of you dies with them.

[Anonymous]

I don't have kids. I've babysat, nannied, worked in schools (from K through college), and have a niece and nephew. I don't regret NOT having kids. I wish I felt in a position to have kids, which I had the foresight to realize as a teenager that I never would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are about creating legacy. No kids, no legacy. When you leave the earth, you're gone. Nobody will remember you.

But your kids would.

Also, nope, not a prerequisite for being remembered. I have two wonderful child free aunts my sisters and I will love and support in their old age and remember when they’re gone just as they loved and supported us as we grew up. Likewise our extremely happily child free godparents each of whom collectively have 5-10 godkids. You can decide full time parenting is not for you and still be part of a family and leave a legacy of love and joy.

[Anonymous]

I would never suggest or presume that all women want kids but I do think as someone said upthread that the whole “why have kids you can travel” line is pretty silly. I have one, adopted, and it’s the best thing I ever did. My choice and no one else’s but I sometimes feel like women feel they must pretend they weren’t interested in kids. OTOH I agree that if you don’t regret it til you’re in your 50s well it’s probably good you didn’t have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never suggest or presume that all women want kids but I do think as someone said upthread that the whole “why have kids you can travel” line is pretty silly. I have one, adopted, and it’s the best thing I ever did. My choice and no one else’s but I sometimes feel like women feel they must pretend they weren’t interested in kids. OTOH I agree that if you don’t regret it til you’re in your 50s well it’s probably good you didn’t have them.

I think the opposite is true I think women feel they have to pretend they don't want kids.