Regret not having kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

People always want something they cannot have. Why were you surprised?

For one thing, people don't "always want something they cannot have." I sure don't.

not about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only people I know well who don't have kids are women who aged out of having them prior to finding the right relationship. They regret that they didn't have kids, but I suppose feel that it was out of their hands. They more generally regret how their lives turned out.
I personally tried to have kids as a single mother. Although it was not successful, I am very glad that I tried (despite the expense and toll it took on my life). I think that I would regret it if I hadn't.

If you don't know any women who have elected not to have kids despite being in the "right" relationship then you have a very small social circle.

I never claimed to have a large social circle.

And I never said you did. What I said is yours must be very, very small. There are women who have decided not to have children everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only people I know well who don't have kids are women who aged out of having them prior to finding the right relationship. They regret that they didn't have kids, but I suppose feel that it was out of their hands. They more generally regret how their lives turned out.
I personally tried to have kids as a single mother. Although it was not successful, I am very glad that I tried (despite the expense and toll it took on my life). I think that I would regret it if I hadn't.

I never managed to get married, but I knew my biggest regret would be not having kids rather than not having a husband. I adopted and it was the best thing I ever did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

People always want something they cannot have. Why were you surprised?

For one thing, people don't "always want something they cannot have." I sure don't.

Huh?

not about you.

How's this: I was surprised to hear that she regretted it because I didn't think she did. Ok? Unlike the other poster, I do know women who have elected not to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only people I know well who don't have kids are women who aged out of having them prior to finding the right relationship. They regret that they didn't have kids, but I suppose feel that it was out of their hands. They more generally regret how their lives turned out.
I personally tried to have kids as a single mother. Although it was not successful, I am very glad that I tried (despite the expense and toll it took on my life). I think that I would regret it if I hadn't.

If you don't know any women who have elected not to have kids despite being in the "right" relationship then you have a very small social circle.

I never claimed to have a large social circle.

And I never said you did. What I said is yours must be very, very small. There are women who have decided not to have children everywhere.

NP. So what is your point? Do you have anything to offer to this discussion or are you just here to nitpick?

[Anonymous]

The holidays can be a bad time if you decided not to have kids or were unable to have kids. Ask me how I know. (Not everyone can afford to adopt or find success in IVF.)

I was at peace with the decision not to bankrupt ourselves to have kids, but it is hard because I did not expect to be hit with grief and regret again when my friends started to become grandparents.

And it's even harder during the holidays.

And I imagine, even harder if your sister has step children who did not accept her, even more so than it would be for someone like me who has no kids in my life. She has to see what she could have had, but may feel like they don't want her around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only people I know well who don't have kids are women who aged out of having them prior to finding the right relationship. They regret that they didn't have kids, but I suppose feel that it was out of their hands. They more generally regret how their lives turned out.
I personally tried to have kids as a single mother. Although it was not successful, I am very glad that I tried (despite the expense and toll it took on my life). I think that I would regret it if I hadn't.

If you don't know any women who have elected not to have kids despite being in the "right" relationship then you have a very small social circle.

I never claimed to have a large social circle.

And I never said you did. What I said is yours must be very, very small. There are women who have decided not to have children everywhere.

NP. So what is your point? Do you have anything to offer to this discussion or are you just here to nitpick?

Yes. I'm the OP. This poster appears to think that women in my sister's situation don't even exist. Not helpful.

[Anonymous]

My friend who is only 55 married a women 24 years ago who had two kids already. He never had anyone of his own. I am good friends with him and over years he says he now feels like a sucker.

Turns out his wife has a low paying job as did her ex husband.

Her ex husband married a women who makes like 350k and my friend makes 350k. So the step mom and step dad pays all the bills. Like college, medical, first car.

By ton of his voice he wishes they were his real kids. When they were little they were close but they are now 30 and 32 and have a real Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

Yes, I know women like this. It usually hit in the 50s when the chance of child bearing ended. It was also the reality that relationships, work and other hobbies were ebbing and after so many years they just didn't seem to be as important as once thought and sometimes it was those things didn't have the staying power of kids. Divorce happened, retirement happened, hobbies because too difficult or not as fun, and none of those had anything lastly. When they were done, they were done and the people and experiences were gone with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only people I know well who don't have kids are women who aged out of having them prior to finding the right relationship. They regret that they didn't have kids, but I suppose feel that it was out of their hands. They more generally regret how their lives turned out.
I personally tried to have kids as a single mother. Although it was not successful, I am very glad that I tried (despite the expense and toll it took on my life). I think that I would regret it if I hadn't.

I never managed to get married, but I knew my biggest regret would be not having kids rather than not having a husband. I adopted and it was the best thing I ever did.

I felt the same way. I was interested in adoption but everyone advised me that it would be easier to try to conceive. I guess I'll never know now.
When I started the process, I thought I wouldn't be able to go on if it didn't work out. I'm more at peace with not being a parent than I ever thought I could be. As I said in the earlier post, I think all the years of trying, and everything I put myself through, have helped me have fewer regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The holidays can be a bad time if you decided not to have kids or were unable to have kids. Ask me how I know. (Not everyone can afford to adopt or find success in IVF.)

I was at peace with the decision not to bankrupt ourselves to have kids, but it is hard because I did not expect to be hit with grief and regret again when my friends started to become grandparents.

And it's even harder during the holidays.

And I imagine, even harder if your sister has step children who did not accept her, even more so than it would be for someone like me who has no kids in my life. She has to see what she could have had, but may feel like they don't want her around.

My sister has no interest in her step kids. None. It's not a matter of feeling "like they don't want her around." I mentioned that her husband had kids from a previous marriage only to explain why he didn't want kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only people I know well who don't have kids are women who aged out of having them prior to finding the right relationship. They regret that they didn't have kids, but I suppose feel that it was out of their hands. They more generally regret how their lives turned out.
I personally tried to have kids as a single mother. Although it was not successful, I am very glad that I tried (despite the expense and toll it took on my life). I think that I would regret it if I hadn't.

If you don't know any women who have elected not to have kids despite being in the "right" relationship then you have a very small social circle.

I never claimed to have a large social circle.

And I never said you did. What I said is yours must be very, very small. There are women who have decided not to have children everywhere.

NP. So what is your point? Do you have anything to offer to this discussion or are you just here to nitpick?

Yes. I'm the OP. This poster appears to think that women in my sister's situation don't even exist. Not helpful.

Of course women in your sister's situation exist. Of course there are women who decided not to have children. I was referring to "people I know well". I'm sorry it wasn't helpful.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a case of 20/20 hindsight, OP.
I remember reading about Germaine Greer saying she regretted not having kids - but literally not until her late 40s when she went through menopause. Previously she never wanted them, had had abortions etc. So it was only that the opportunity to have them and the time of her life that made her regret it, if she'd had them, maybe she'd have regretted that more.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if it's not having kids itself that she regrets, or that her husband did not change his mind at some point and want to have kids with her?

[Anonymous]

A co-worker told me she regretted it in her 50s.

She had a fabulous life and was always off on some ski adventure.

She slowed down a bit and became lonely and wistful. Though she never married either. She had a few long term relationships.

I waited 7 years to decide to have kids. At the time I could have gone either way. I saw a good life in either direction. Of course, once I had my kids, I couldn’t imagine any other life and wish I had started a little sooner.

It’s a gamble.