Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all again for the advice and for the amazing cocktail from DCUM bartender! For those offering advice specific to sailboats: my husband is a lifelong sailor and has always had one. He just has his heart set on upgrading to really a much larger one with three cabins etc. And yes, they are that expensive even used, and he knows they don’t hold their value. We’d finance it— it would be a large monthly payment of about $3k plus of course slip fees, maintenance etc.
It’s not even about the boat for me so much as it is about the disregard for me. The other night when I told him I really don’t want to get this huge boat he said, “I don’t care what you want.”
Plus the lack of sex for 5 years, when I got tired of constantly initiating so just stopped, is a big problem. And the not-infrequent verbal abuse he throws my way is also a major, if not the core, issue.

You do see why this is a problem, right?? Take your money out of his control. Put it in individual accounts. Do NOt pay for that boat. Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all again for the advice and for the amazing cocktail from DCUM bartender! For those offering advice specific to sailboats: my husband is a lifelong sailor and has always had one. He just has his heart set on upgrading to really a much larger one with three cabins etc. And yes, they are that expensive even used, and he knows they don’t hold their value. We’d finance it— it would be a large monthly payment of about $3k plus of course slip fees, maintenance etc.
It’s not even about the boat for me so much as it is about the disregard for me. The other night when I told him I really don’t want to get this huge boat he said, “I don’t care what you want.”
Plus the lack of sex for 5 years, when I got tired of constantly initiating so just stopped, is a big problem. And the not-infrequent verbal abuse he throws my way is also a major, if not the core, issue.

are you for real? Because after reading all of this, I honestly cannot understand why you would stay with him.

-disregard of your wants/needs
-verbal abuse
-not bringing in any income even as he spends spends spends

What is the draw? I don't understand why you would still be in love with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all again for the advice and for the amazing cocktail from DCUM bartender! For those offering advice specific to sailboats: my husband is a lifelong sailor and has always had one. He just has his heart set on upgrading to really a much larger one with three cabins etc. And yes, they are that expensive even used, and he knows they don’t hold their value. We’d finance it— it would be a large monthly payment of about $3k plus of course slip fees, maintenance etc.
It’s not even about the boat for me so much as it is about the disregard for me. The other night when I told him I really don’t want to get this huge boat he said, “I don’t care what you want.”
Plus the lack of sex for 5 years, when I got tired of constantly initiating so just stopped, is a big problem. And the not-infrequent verbal abuse he throws my way is also a major, if not the core, issue.

Boat girl here. That’s ^ ridiculous. On so many levels, not just financial. Do you have enough income/savings to pay cash for college for all of your teens? Who exactly is going to crew a larger boat? Who is going to go on multi-day cruises (because that’s the sole purpose of bigger cabins). Your kids are teens and have their own activities and will leave soon, and who has the time for multi-day cruising?

But, the lack of sex and not infrequent verbal abuse are showstoppers. Don’t just get a financial planner, get an individual therapist and get a lawyer. Your kids are teens. Get some advice from the financial planner about college costs and whether it’s better to separate now or after high school.

As a victim of verbal and emotional abuse, I will just counsel - don’t kid yourself about the danger to your mental health of staying in a verbally abusive relationship. Waiting it out until your youngest graduates sounds much easier than it is. Also, do not under estimate what witnessing verbal abuse is teaching your kids - both boys and girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all again for the advice and for the amazing cocktail from DCUM bartender! For those offering advice specific to sailboats: my husband is a lifelong sailor and has always had one. He just has his heart set on upgrading to really a much larger one with three cabins etc. And yes, they are that expensive even used, and he knows they don’t hold their value. We’d finance it— it would be a large monthly payment of about $3k plus of course slip fees, maintenance etc.
It’s not even about the boat for me so much as it is about the disregard for me. The other night when I told him I really don’t want to get this huge boat he said, “I don’t care what you want.”
Plus the lack of sex for 5 years, when I got tired of constantly initiating so just stopped, is a big problem. And the not-infrequent verbal abuse he throws my way is also a major, if not the core, issue.

Oh, OP, please think one thing:

IT IS NOT ABOUT THE BOAT. Take the freaking boat of the equation entirely. By focusing on the boat, you're forcing yourself into this debate about boating life/non boating life how big, how much, slip etc etc etc. DETAILS. Strip ALL OF THAT out of this and you're left with:

- financially supporting someone who says he doesn't care what you want
- no sex
- no ability to retire or plan a retirement that includes your interesting
- verbal abuse

Oh honey. I want to give you a hug and then some tough love: NONE OF THIS IS ACCEPTABLE, whether there's a boat or not a boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all again for the advice and for the amazing cocktail from DCUM bartender! For those offering advice specific to sailboats: my husband is a lifelong sailor and has always had one. He just has his heart set on upgrading to really a much larger one with three cabins etc. And yes, they are that expensive even used, and he knows they don’t hold their value. We’d finance it— it would be a large monthly payment of about $3k plus of course slip fees, maintenance etc.
It’s not even about the boat for me so much as it is about the disregard for me. The other night when I told him I really don’t want to get this huge boat he said, “I don’t care what you want.”
Plus the lack of sex for 5 years, when I got tired of constantly initiating so just stopped, is a big problem. And the not-infrequent verbal abuse he throws my way is also a major, if not the core, issue.

Life is too short to put up with this for another 30-40 years.

Go to the thread on Midlife Concerns and Eldercare where the dad is constantly yelling/snapping at the mom. Let your husband be a grumpy old man on his own time and his own dime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all again for the advice and for the amazing cocktail from DCUM bartender! For those offering advice specific to sailboats: my husband is a lifelong sailor and has always had one. He just has his heart set on upgrading to really a much larger one with three cabins etc. And yes, they are that expensive even used, and he knows they don’t hold their value. We’d finance it— it would be a large monthly payment of about $3k plus of course slip fees, maintenance etc.
It’s not even about the boat for me so much as it is about the disregard for me. The other night when I told him I really don’t want to get this huge boat he said, “I don’t care what you want.”
Plus the lack of sex for 5 years, when I got tired of constantly initiating so just stopped, is a big problem. And the not-infrequent verbal abuse he throws my way is also a major, if not the core, issue.

are you for real? Because after reading all of this, I honestly cannot understand why you would stay with him.

-disregard of your wants/needs
-verbal abuse
-not bringing in any income even as he spends spends spends

What is the draw? I don't understand why you would still be in love with him?

I’m not still in love with him, but I have been with him for almost two decades. It’s not so easy to just leave. Luckily we don’t have kids but it’s still hard. I am going to talk to him this weekend about going to see a marriage counselor with me. I think I need a third party to moderate the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all again for the advice and for the amazing cocktail from DCUM bartender! For those offering advice specific to sailboats: my husband is a lifelong sailor and has always had one. He just has his heart set on upgrading to really a much larger one with three cabins etc. And yes, they are that expensive even used, and he knows they don’t hold their value. We’d finance it— it would be a large monthly payment of about $3k plus of course slip fees, maintenance etc.
It’s not even about the boat for me so much as it is about the disregard for me. The other night when I told him I really don’t want to get this huge boat he said, “I don’t care what you want.”
Plus the lack of sex for 5 years, when I got tired of constantly initiating so just stopped, is a big problem. And the not-infrequent verbal abuse he throws my way is also a major, if not the core, issue.

You do see why this is a problem, right?? Take your money out of his control. Put it in individual accounts. Do NOt pay for that boat. Divorce.

Someone who doesn't care what you want (or even someone who tells you that they don't care what you want) is openly contemptuous of you. It is so, so sad to be married to someone who has contempt for you, who doesn't care for you and doesn't feel concern that your wants and needs are satisfied (ask me how I know, haha...)

I am 50, remarried to a caring, hard-working, sweet, and sexy man. They are out there. And in the period after my divorce, before I met my current husband, I was so much better off than when I was married to my first husband. Getting away from that relationship opened up space for me to care for myself, and to treat myself with love and respect. You deserve those things.

[Anonymous]

This is not about the boat or whether you can afford it. It has everything to do with his attitude towards you. If his latest comments aren’t enough to make it clear that he doesn’t care about you at all, nothing ever will. DIVORCE. Seriously, I don’t see why on earth you are still in this relationship! No sex, no kids, he is a total jerk to you at every turn, and you want to live the rest of your life this way??

My ILs have a similar unhealthy dynamic. My MIL is STILL working in her mid 70s to finance my FIL’s projects. Projects she does not enjoy or get any benefit from. He retired more than a decade ago and has a pension, but they still need her income to pay for their lifestyle. Or should I say his lifestyle. But he is a whole lot nicer to her and they love to travel together and have kids and grandkids, so she has made peace with the situation. Plus she loves her job.

Do you think he is going to wake up tomorrow and decide to put your wants and needs on the same level as his own? Not a chance. So separate now while you still have enough time to save for your own retirement. 51 is not old!! You have decades left to meet someone and spend your time and money doing things you enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all again for the advice and for the amazing cocktail from DCUM bartender! For those offering advice specific to sailboats: my husband is a lifelong sailor and has always had one. He just has his heart set on upgrading to really a much larger one with three cabins etc. And yes, they are that expensive even used, and he knows they don’t hold their value. We’d finance it— it would be a large monthly payment of about $3k plus of course slip fees, maintenance etc.
It’s not even about the boat for me so much as it is about the disregard for me. The other night when I told him I really don’t want to get this huge boat he said, “I don’t care what you want.”
Plus the lack of sex for 5 years, when I got tired of constantly initiating so just stopped, is a big problem. And the not-infrequent verbal abuse he throws my way is also a major, if not the core, issue.

are you for real? Because after reading all of this, I honestly cannot understand why you would stay with him.

-disregard of your wants/needs
-verbal abuse
-not bringing in any income even as he spends spends spends

What is the draw? I don't understand why you would still be in love with him?

I’m not still in love with him, but I have been with him for almost two decades. It’s not so easy to just leave. Luckily we don’t have kids but it’s still hard. I am going to talk to him this weekend about going to see a marriage counselor with me. I think I need a third party to moderate the discussion.

agree, it's never easy to leave a 20 yr marriage, but if you are not in love with him; he is sometimes abusive; and doesn't support your wants/needs, then why bother, especially if there are no kids involved.

[Anonymous]

My husband is what I would call a high conflict person. He goes from 0 to 60 very quickly when I raise anything with him that he might perceive as negative or critical. His usual mode is to talk over me and argue with me about whatever issue I’m raising. I’m walking on eggshells all the time.

I want to ask him to go to a couples therapist with me. I have no idea how to introduce the topic without setting him off into a defensive anger spiral. I’ve asked him to go in the past and he’s refused but I have reached the breaking point. (I’m the OP of the boat thread, if anyone read that. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1015456.page) My objective is to get in a room with him and an objective therapist who can moderate so we can have an actual discussion about the issues and come to decision about our future.

Anyway— really appreciate tips from anyone who’s BTDT with a spouse who is tough to talk to. I’m planning to talk to him this weekend. Dread it.

[Anonymous]

^^Oh, whoops, I meant to start a new thread but mistakenly posted in this one. Guess it doesn’t matter too much. Any advice welcome. Thank you from OP!

[Anonymous]

I can hardly bear to read this post as I suffered through to the very bankrupt end. See a financial planner and go your separate ways. You can have fun on the boat you have during the nice weather. I spent many happy days on a sailboat but it’s a phase of life. One you are moving out of. Best of luck to you.