Please be kind. Need thoughts. Was I wrong?

[Anonymous]

I am the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/991591.page

So anyway, I did get into individual counseling but have only had a couple sessions— but it’s been very helpful. But this just happened last night and my next appointment isn’t for a week.

So we got to talking about his continued urgent desire to buy a much larger sailboat (it would cost about what a vacation house would cost) and some other goals he has. I said, “I understand that’s what you want. From my perspective, you were able to stop working five years ago at 51 and pursue your dream business, which I have always supported. But now I am in my early 50s and thinking about the future. I don’t want to work until I’m 70 supporting us when I’m already pretty burned out in my career.”

His response was: “wow. That’s the nastiest thing you ever said to me. You are throwing it back in my face that I stopped working, when you encouraged me all along.” He also added that for most of our relationship, he made more money than me. I said, “I know— but I’ve worked really hard the whole time we’ve known each other and now I’m bringing in 80% of our income. I just want a plan for the future.”

I was shocked he said it was nasty because I didn’t mean it in an unkind way at all. I was expressing my needs for the future.

I said, “I am not trying to be nasty and I still completely support what you are doing. But I think as an couple we need to decide together on a plan so that I can also enjoy freedom of pursuing my own passions someday. I’d prefer to put the money for this boat into retirement savings.”

That really made him mad. He said “the whole reason I’ve been building my business is so we can do what we want, like buying this boat.” And he said “I’m not going to be a slave to retirement savings.” He added that if the boat ever became too expensive, we could sell it or he could start making more money to pay for it.

I said, “I understand all that but I’m worried specifically that this boat is going to be a money pit and we don’t have a plan that will allow me to stop working when I want to.”

He said we can do both— buy the boat, save for my retirement. I’ve run the numbers and I’m not sure how. He’s so focused on the here and now.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night and just feel extremely sad today.

[Anonymous]

If he wants the boat, he needs to pay for it. If he can do that, then have fun with the boat!

He's being unreasonable and based on your initial post, sounds unlikely to change without therapy. I'd consider divorce. Your interests are too divergent and you sound like disgruntled roommates instead of married partners. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

1. I’m sorry, this sounds hard

2. I have such a hard time understanding his point of view. A boat? Where you go on the water and okay around a few times a month? What does this represent for him? I guess it’s his lifelong dream, something that represents the epitome of success for him?

3. I have no advice but even if it wasn’t for the issue of who is making the most money, you are right. A boat plus retirement at a reasonable age isn’t realistic. You can be a “slave” to retirement or a “slave” to your job during retirement years.

[Anonymous]

I feel sad for you, too, OP. (I was a follower and sometimes poster on your earlier thread.)

Your husband seems to have zero awareness or understanding of any perspective other than his own (selfish) one.

What you said to him was not nasty.

And if he’s so set on buying this large boat, well, he can work harder on his “new business” and make more money to buy it, as opposed to raiding your retirement funds!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he wants the boat, he needs to pay for it. If he can do that, then have fun with the boat!

He's being unreasonable and based on your initial post, sounds unlikely to change without therapy. I'd consider divorce. Your interests are too divergent and you sound like disgruntled roommates instead of married partners. I'm sorry you are going through this.

+1

I would talk to a lawyer about how to protect your savings in case of a divorce, and maybe consider whether you need to get him working more beforehand to not end up on the hook for spousal support (not sure if you mentioned where you live).

The best thing you can do for your retirement and financial future is to ditch this guy. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

get an independent financial counselor to do the numbers and assess retirement and/or boat options.

Also a boat is even worse than a car in terms of resale - harder to resell and value drops more probably.

[Anonymous]

Tell him he needs to go off and make the money FIRST before he buys the boat.

What is going on with this business of his? How much money does he make a year, if any?

[Anonymous]

Tell him you have your goals, too, and your goal is to quit working. If you quit, how will he support his "hobbies"?

[Anonymous]

OP, I read your previous post but didn't comment on it. You can continue to be "good friends" without being married to someone or financially yoked to him. I am not someone who urges divorce in most circumstances, but I think if you split from him you will be absolutely delighted by the autonomy and freedom.

It is hard to see what you are getting from their relationship except stress.

[Anonymous]

Just leave him and let him bankrupt himself for his boat. It doesn't sound like you even like each other.

[Anonymous]

OP, he said you were nasty to manipulate you. His goal was to get you to say "Oh I'm so sorry - as an apology, let's get the big boat you want."

If he wants more land, a bigger boat, he needs to pay for these things.

HE. IS. USING. YOU. FOR. YOUR. MONEY.

No, of course you weren't wrong. He is totally in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you want permission to leave. You've got it. It's never going to appear in skywriting, you know? But it sounds like you know what you want.

[Anonymous]

I mean…if he can “start making more money to pay for it“ eventually then why doesn’t he just make more money now?

I think you agreed to the business idea without being completely on-board tbh. It sounds like you feel you are funding him and are looking for him to sacrifice for you, too. So if that’s the case, as they say “it’s not about the boat” and you need an entirely different conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:get an independent financial counselor to do the numbers and assess retirement and/or boat options.

Also a boat is even worse than a car in terms of resale - harder to resell and value drops more probably.

This is where I would start. Get numbers from an expert who doesn't have an emotional connection to the situation, and see if that changes the conversation. If it doesn't, you may need to escalate to some of the other things people have suggested.

[Anonymous]

There's this adage-- the happiest two days of a sailor's life: the day he buys his boat, and the day he sells it.

Owning a big expensive boat IS a money-sinking proposition. And boats are hard to sell. I know b/c my H is really into boats too. We often see amazing advertisement of boats for sale, beautiful boats selling for pittance. Why? Because people can't wait to get rid of them or have a hard time offloading them.

Your H is living in la la land and has no regard for your quality of life and your dreams. None. All he cares about is himself. I'd seriously consider divorce. First thing, though, you need to take steps to protect your finances.

I'm sorry.