Leaving. Advice for how to minimize impact on college aged kids

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

How do you coparent adults?

You make clear to them that their parents will remain a friendly team committed to supporting them jointly. You won’t turn into enemies who can’t be in the same room. I went to a wedding where the bride’s parents were literally separated in two different rooms because they couldn’t be together. No shared holidays, events, etc. Their bitterness and bad behavior has negatively impacted her life for decades.

Do you want your college student to have separate updates with each parent about college graduation and grad school plans? Separate thanksgiving? Two christmases?

Do you expect your adult age children to want a joint Christmas or thanksgiving with their divorced parents? That’s not a thing.

What the parent in this situation should do is accept that they'll be seeing their children for every *other* Thanksgiving. And after the children marry, maybe one Thanksgiving every three or four years, or not at all, or you travel to them, or do a different weekend.

OP, really think it through, do you want to give up time with your kids (and grandkids)? If it's worth it to you, fine. But you gotta go into this with eyes wide open. If your children's father wants to see them on holidays, and if they marry someone who also has divorced parents, that's four households to visit. And a lot of ACOD with young kids of their own just throw up their hands and stay home. You will not be having the family life, long-term, that you would as a married person.

Sits stupid to stay married so you don’t have to split holidays, as you are implying.

It's up to OP to decide which she prefers. Sometimes people go into divorce without thinking it through long-term. I can tell you my own parents did not think about grandchild time, but now it really bothers them to get only half of what they otherwise would.

Only an idiot would prioritize more time with nonexistent grandchildren to stay in an unhappy marriage. You might still feel sad that things didn’t workout the way you’d hoped, but bringing this up as an issue while her kids are in college and contemplating grad school is just stupid. Stay unhappy every day so that 10 years from now you won’t have to split thanksgivings?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Putting them in a position where they have to become estranged from their father or else deal with a very difficult person is putting them between a rock and a hard place. OP can do it, but don't expect the kids will endure this with anything other than resentment and distress. Have an awesome time not dealing with this problem, OP!

God, you sound selfish.

Well, I'm someone dealing with a similar situation as a parent. My kids resented it for a long time. Eventually they came around and became more accepting, but for a long time they coped with the stress by resenting me. And I understand. It was difficult for them and that's just the reality here.

If you’re talking about kids, fine.
But adults should be able to cope with a difficult parent by resenting the difficult parent, not the other parent. I understand staying together for the kids, but for an ADULT to expect their parents to stay together so the adult’s life is easier? Yeah, that’s just selfish, sorry. And I say this as a married person with divorced parents. I understand that life is harder when your parents are divorced, but I still would never expect them to be unhappy for the rest of their lives to make things a little easier for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have it in me to type out all of the details, but I’d like to leave my spouse whom I believe has a personality disorder. I mostly stayed to shield the kids, but as they got older, that became harder for all of the reasons that are usually articulated here when dealing with a personality disordered spouse or parent.

What I am wondering is how to help them through this because I am very worried that when I withdraw myself and my attention, he will turn his energies on them. They are both legal adults and in college. I am concerned about their mental health and also the impact on their studies, because they both have plans to apply to competitive grad programs. I don’t think they understand enough about the situation and I don’t want to “support” by maligning their dad all the time and saying he’s a narcissist.

What are some things I can do to prepare and support?

If your H is as bad as you say, this isn't going to be an easy divorce. You could pay for your children to have therapy, because it's probably unaffordable for them on their own.

Be prepared for them to resent you. You are choosing to walk away from your H, and you have the right to, but it isn't going to be easy for the children to be left holding the bag. Unless they become estranged from their father and are prepared to let him age alone without their care, they're going to have to deal with him and his personality disorder without your help. Be realistic about what you are setting up here for your children. Don't expect them to be happy for you when you get a new boyfriend and go off on vacation while they're dealing with their father's problems. Be flexible and understanding about visits and schedules and holidays.

Think through what happens if he cuts them off financially.

Leaving him will not put them in a bad position, marrying him did. But that is done. Leaving him is actually modeling mental health/self care.

I might schedule one apt.with a mental health professional who can advise about how to do this best. Divorce lawyers might have names of specialists.Good luck.

You are doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Putting them in a position where they have to become estranged from their father or else deal with a very difficult person is putting them between a rock and a hard place. OP can do it, but don't expect the kids will endure this with anything other than resentment and distress. Have an awesome time not dealing with this problem, OP!

God, you sound selfish.

Well, I'm someone dealing with a similar situation as a parent. My kids resented it for a long time. Eventually they came around and became more accepting, but for a long time they coped with the stress by resenting me. And I understand. It was difficult for them and that's just the reality here.

If you’re talking about kids, fine.
But adults should be able to cope with a difficult parent by resenting the difficult parent, not the other parent. I understand staying together for the kids, but for an ADULT to expect their parents to stay together so the adult’s life is easier? Yeah, that’s just selfish, sorry. And I say this as a married person with divorced parents. I understand that life is harder when your parents are divorced, but I still would never expect them to be unhappy for the rest of their lives to make things a little easier for me.

_+ 1000

[Anonymous]

As for finances, he might still be legally required to pay for college. Post-college, and even if he does decide to cut them off through college there are other ways to get by and it's not enough of a reason to ask the OP to stay in a toxic and abusive relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Putting them in a position where they have to become estranged from their father or else deal with a very difficult person is putting them between a rock and a hard place. OP can do it, but don't expect the kids will endure this with anything other than resentment and distress. Have an awesome time not dealing with this problem, OP!

God, you sound selfish.

Well, I'm someone dealing with a similar situation as a parent. My kids resented it for a long time. Eventually they came around and became more accepting, but for a long time they coped with the stress by resenting me. And I understand. It was difficult for them and that's just the reality here.

If you’re talking about kids, fine.
But adults should be able to cope with a difficult parent by resenting the difficult parent, not the other parent. I understand staying together for the kids, but for an ADULT to expect their parents to stay together so the adult’s life is easier? Yeah, that’s just selfish, sorry. And I say this as a married person with divorced parents. I understand that life is harder when your parents are divorced, but I still would never expect them to be unhappy for the rest of their lives to make things a little easier for me.

This. The amount of misogyny in this thread is astonishing. The woman is expected to sacrifice her well being and mental health literally for the rest of her life while the man is just allowed to "be difficult" with no responsibility for the consequences. Adults are supposed to realize at some point that their father being an a-hole is not their mother's fault and deal with it accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if their dad has a major meltdown, who's gonna deal with it? Or do they just let the chips fall where they may?

He’ll prob be manipulative and disparaging. He might be too “clever” to estrange everyone at once with his attacks and disorders.

It’s like dealing with an alcoholic who thinks he’s not an alcoholic. Just keep repeating to him where he should go for professional help. It’s not to the wife you $hat on for 30 years and it’s not to your young adult kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Putting them in a position where they have to become estranged from their father or else deal with a very difficult person is putting them between a rock and a hard place. OP can do it, but don't expect the kids will endure this with anything other than resentment and distress. Have an awesome time not dealing with this problem, OP!

God, you sound selfish.

Well, I'm someone dealing with a similar situation as a parent. My kids resented it for a long time. Eventually they came around and became more accepting, but for a long time they coped with the stress by resenting me. And I understand. It was difficult for them and that's just the reality here.

If you’re talking about kids, fine.
But adults should be able to cope with a difficult parent by resenting the difficult parent, not the other parent. I understand staying together for the kids, but for an ADULT to expect their parents to stay together so the adult’s life is easier? Yeah, that’s just selfish, sorry. And I say this as a married person with divorced parents. I understand that life is harder when your parents are divorced, but I still would never expect them to be unhappy for the rest of their lives to make things a little easier for me.

This. The amount of misogyny in this thread is astonishing. The woman is expected to sacrifice her well being and mental health literally for the rest of her life while the man is just allowed to "be difficult" with no responsibility for the consequences. Adults are supposed to realize at some point that their father being an a-hole is not their mother's fault and deal with it accordingly.

Nobody is saying she has to stay. She asked about the impact on the kids, and having to deal with their father without their mother's help is the impact.

Who chose this man? Not the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Ask around for therapists who can do zoom calls with them to better under: good/bad behaviors; how to set boundaries; better define unhealthy parent’s disorder(s), and self care.

If you think it may be hereditary that will have to be incorporated as well.

Your adult kids may be relieved you are finally getting out of this situation, esp if it was verbally abusive, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

People ditch toxic a-hole family members all the time. Stop the guilt trip. Daddy is gonna have to wipe himself or find a new victim to mistreat.

#BreakTheCycle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Well, no. It is not necessarily healthier for the kids. Healthier for them might be that their mother continues to shield them. Now, she has no obligation to do so, but don't pretend like this is an improvement over the status quo for the kids. Don't expect they will be happy about this. It's important to go into a difficult divorce with eyes wide open.

Maybe in a different time, women kept staying to baby jerks and rationalized they were still protecting everyone. But not anymore. Look at the data. If you’re a jerk and people keep telling you to get help, do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as the child of parents who divorced when I was in college, I can tell you this. Please do not make taking care of your soon-to-be-ex your children's responsibility. You are the one who brought this dad into their lives. I truly believe that you should continue to be involved in his care at least as much as you would be for a brother. It's not fair to adult children (esp. young adult children) to have to look after a mentally ill (or just very difficult) parent when they are not the ones who chose him in the first place.

His parents failed him, his siblings failed him, I’m sure Op tried to get him help. Maybe even his kids did to.
It’s game over. He’ll have to budget his money and energy wisely, himself.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wish you good luck.

My best friend (Larlo) hasn't spoken to his dad since he left Larlo's mom while Larlo was in college. We're in our mid-50s now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Putting them in a position where they have to become estranged from their father or else deal with a very difficult person is putting them between a rock and a hard place. OP can do it, but don't expect the kids will endure this with anything other than resentment and distress. Have an awesome time not dealing with this problem, OP!

God, you sound selfish.

Well, I'm someone dealing with a similar situation as a parent. My kids resented it for a long time. Eventually they came around and became more accepting, but for a long time they coped with the stress by resenting me. And I understand. It was difficult for them and that's just the reality here.

If you’re talking about kids, fine.
But adults should be able to cope with a difficult parent by resenting the difficult parent, not the other parent. I understand staying together for the kids, but for an ADULT to expect their parents to stay together so the adult’s life is easier? Yeah, that’s just selfish, sorry. And I say this as a married person with divorced parents. I understand that life is harder when your parents are divorced, but I still would never expect them to be unhappy for the rest of their lives to make things a little easier for me.

This. The amount of misogyny in this thread is astonishing. The woman is expected to sacrifice her well being and mental health literally for the rest of her life while the man is just allowed to "be difficult" with no responsibility for the consequences. Adults are supposed to realize at some point that their father being an a-hole is not their mother's fault and deal with it accordingly.

100% Agree! Ridiculous that the woman should stay with an unstable man so that everyone can have holidays together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Putting them in a position where they have to become estranged from their father or else deal with a very difficult person is putting them between a rock and a hard place. OP can do it, but don't expect the kids will endure this with anything other than resentment and distress. Have an awesome time not dealing with this problem, OP!

God, you sound selfish.

Well, I'm someone dealing with a similar situation as a parent. My kids resented it for a long time. Eventually they came around and became more accepting, but for a long time they coped with the stress by resenting me. And I understand. It was difficult for them and that's just the reality here.

If you’re talking about kids, fine.
But adults should be able to cope with a difficult parent by resenting the difficult parent, not the other parent. I understand staying together for the kids, but for an ADULT to expect their parents to stay together so the adult’s life is easier? Yeah, that’s just selfish, sorry. And I say this as a married person with divorced parents. I understand that life is harder when your parents are divorced, but I still would never expect them to be unhappy for the rest of their lives to make things a little easier for me.

This. The amount of misogyny in this thread is astonishing. The woman is expected to sacrifice her well being and mental health literally for the rest of her life while the man is just allowed to "be difficult" with no responsibility for the consequences. Adults are supposed to realize at some point that their father being an a-hole is not their mother's fault and deal with it accordingly.

Nobody is saying she has to stay. She asked about the impact on the kids, and having to deal with their father without their mother's help is the impact.

Who chose this man? Not the kids.

The kids didn’t choose him originally but it is the “kid’s” (using quotes, because we are talking about ADULTS) choice how to handle their father now. They can try to help him, they can disengage, they can try something in-between, as they choose.