Reply to Leaving. Advice for how to minimize impact on college aged kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.[/quote]

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.[/quote]

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.[/quote]

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder.  That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it.  Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.[/quote]

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.[/quote]

Putting them in a position where they have to become estranged from their father or else deal with a very difficult person is putting them between a rock and a hard place.  OP can do it, but don't expect the kids will endure this with anything other than resentment and distress.  Have an awesome time not dealing with this problem, OP![/quote]
God, you sound selfish.[/quote]

Well, I'm someone dealing with a similar situation as a parent.  My kids resented it for a long time.  Eventually they came around and became more accepting, but for a long time they coped with the stress by resenting me.  And I understand.  It was difficult for them and that's just the reality here.[/quote]
If you’re talking about kids, fine.
But adults should be able to cope with a difficult parent by resenting the difficult parent, not the other parent. I understand staying together for the kids, but for an ADULT to expect their parents to stay together so the adult’s life is easier? Yeah, that’s just selfish, sorry. And I say this as a married person with divorced parents. I understand that life is harder when your parents are divorced, but I still would never expect them to be unhappy for the rest of their lives to make things a little easier for me.[/quote]

This.  The amount of misogyny in this thread is astonishing.  The woman is expected to sacrifice her well being and mental health literally for the rest of her life while the man is just allowed to "be difficult" with no responsibility for the consequences.  Adults are supposed to realize at some point that their father being an a-hole is not their mother's fault and deal with it accordingly. [/quote]

Nobody is saying she has to stay.  She asked about the impact on the kids, and having to deal with their father without their mother's help is the impact.

Who chose this man?  Not the kids.[/quote]

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