Leaving. Advice for how to minimize impact on college aged kids

[Anonymous]

^^and to the PP(s?) who think it’s “not a thing” to want their adult parents present for their smaller milestones: BS. Of course it is. What happens when granddaughter Larla has her first birthday party, or even her fifth? Multiple parties to accommodate the local grandparents, because they refuse to get along? Nope. Either work it out between you which one attends or suck it up and be present together. We have plenty of holidays with my divorced parents, and I’m so glad they’re mature about that, for my sake as well as that of my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

You don’t need to celebrate holidays and birthdays together. Seriously the only contact you need to have with an ex when you have adult children is major milestones such as weddings. It’s not that hard. The kids will adapt.

What's hard is having a parent with a personality disorder, and they'll have that either way. But if the OP has been shielding them and suddenly stops, the kids are probably in for a rude awakening.

This.

If you want to support your kids rather than dumping dysfunctional dad on them, then focus on an amicable split and continue to provide opportunities for the family to be together. Trust me.

To the pp who thinks a hard break is nbd to adult kids, that’s delusional.

Baby steps. Everyone benefits when you create a new normal that retains some semblance of family life.

Go watch Offspring. That’s the goal: divorced parents who remain friendly for the sake of the adult kids.

[Anonymous]

So if their dad has a major meltdown, who's gonna deal with it? Or do they just let the chips fall where they may?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

How do you coparent adults?

You make clear to them that their parents will remain a friendly team committed to supporting them jointly. You won’t turn into enemies who can’t be in the same room. I went to a wedding where the bride’s parents were literally separated in two different rooms because they couldn’t be together. No shared holidays, events, etc. Their bitterness and bad behavior has negatively impacted her life for decades.

Do you want your college student to have separate updates with each parent about college graduation and grad school plans? Separate thanksgiving? Two christmases?

Do you expect your adult age children to want a joint Christmas or thanksgiving with their divorced parents? That’s not a thing.

Yes it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

How do you coparent adults?

You make clear to them that their parents will remain a friendly team committed to supporting them jointly. You won’t turn into enemies who can’t be in the same room. I went to a wedding where the bride’s parents were literally separated in two different rooms because they couldn’t be together. No shared holidays, events, etc. Their bitterness and bad behavior has negatively impacted her life for decades.

Do you want your college student to have separate updates with each parent about college graduation and grad school plans? Separate thanksgiving? Two christmases?

Do you expect your adult age children to want a joint Christmas or thanksgiving with their divorced parents? That’s not a thing.

Yes it is.

Some people do it, at least until a parent starts seriously dating. But I'm not really sure that's going to happen here if OP's H is as bad as she says.

[Anonymous]

Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have it in me to type out all of the details, but I’d like to leave my spouse whom I believe has a personality disorder. I mostly stayed to shield the kids, but as they got older, that became harder for all of the reasons that are usually articulated here when dealing with a personality disordered spouse or parent.

What I am wondering is how to help them through this because I am very worried that when I withdraw myself and my attention, he will turn his energies on them. They are both legal adults and in college. I am concerned about their mental health and also the impact on their studies, because they both have plans to apply to competitive grad programs. I don’t think they understand enough about the situation and I don’t want to “support” by maligning their dad all the time and saying he’s a narcissist.

What are some things I can do to prepare and support?

I'm in the middle of divorce and my kids are college aged (and one minor). They weren't suprised by the news of divorce. I bet yours won't be, either.

I let my adult kids know that they will always have a place with me-always have a place to live. I also them know that I support whatever decision they make on where to live, based on THEIR needs. I am also keeping them on my insurance until they're 26 and they know that. In our case, dh is behaving amicably and we are both helping plan one dc's upcoming wedding and have vowed NO drama for the event. I mean, of course no one can control anyone, but there will be no drama from ME in regards to our dcs' life events-if stbx dh ever creates drama, he'll be talking to himself lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

How do you coparent adults?

You make clear to them that their parents will remain a friendly team committed to supporting them jointly. You won’t turn into enemies who can’t be in the same room. I went to a wedding where the bride’s parents were literally separated in two different rooms because they couldn’t be together. No shared holidays, events, etc. Their bitterness and bad behavior has negatively impacted her life for decades.

Do you want your college student to have separate updates with each parent about college graduation and grad school plans? Separate thanksgiving? Two christmases?

Do you expect your adult age children to want a joint Christmas or thanksgiving with their divorced parents? That’s not a thing.

What the parent in this situation should do is accept that they'll be seeing their children for every *other* Thanksgiving. And after the children marry, maybe one Thanksgiving every three or four years, or not at all, or you travel to them, or do a different weekend.

OP, really think it through, do you want to give up time with your kids (and grandkids)? If it's worth it to you, fine. But you gotta go into this with eyes wide open. If your children's father wants to see them on holidays, and if they marry someone who also has divorced parents, that's four households to visit. And a lot of ACOD with young kids of their own just throw up their hands and stay home. You will not be having the family life, long-term, that you would as a married person.

OP, don't listen to this, please. Get out for the sake of your mental health. Yes, the Christmas and Thanksgiving will be a bit worse, although if you husband is as bad as you say he is, I doubt they are much fun to begin with. However, the other 363 days of the year will feel amazing. Do not sacrifice your happiness for the imaginary "good" family life front for your adult kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

Their father is not entitled to their care, so no one is sticking anyone with anything. If they feel like doing it, they should, otherwise the dad is on his own. Too bad, should have thought of that before being a jerk to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Well, no. It is not necessarily healthier for the kids. Healthier for them might be that their mother continues to shield them. Now, she has no obligation to do so, but don't pretend like this is an improvement over the status quo for the kids. Don't expect they will be happy about this. It's important to go into a difficult divorce with eyes wide open.

[Anonymous]

OP, as the child of parents who divorced when I was in college, I can tell you this. Please do not make taking care of your soon-to-be-ex your children's responsibility. You are the one who brought this dad into their lives. I truly believe that you should continue to be involved in his care at least as much as you would be for a brother. It's not fair to adult children (esp. young adult children) to have to look after a mentally ill (or just very difficult) parent when they are not the ones who chose him in the first place.