Leaving. Advice for how to minimize impact on college aged kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have it in me to type out all of the details, but I’d like to leave my spouse whom I believe has a personality disorder. I mostly stayed to shield the kids, but as they got older, that became harder for all of the reasons that are usually articulated here when dealing with a personality disordered spouse or parent.

What I am wondering is how to help them through this because I am very worried that when I withdraw myself and my attention, he will turn his energies on them. They are both legal adults and in college. I am concerned about their mental health and also the impact on their studies, because they both have plans to apply to competitive grad programs. I don’t think they understand enough about the situation and I don’t want to “support” by maligning their dad all the time and saying he’s a narcissist.

What are some things I can do to prepare and support?

If your H is as bad as you say, this isn't going to be an easy divorce. You could pay for your children to have therapy, because it's probably unaffordable for them on their own.

Be prepared for them to resent you. You are choosing to walk away from your H, and you have the right to, but it isn't going to be easy for the children to be left holding the bag. Unless they become estranged from their father and are prepared to let him age alone without their care, they're going to have to deal with him and his personality disorder without your help. Be realistic about what you are setting up here for your children. Don't expect them to be happy for you when you get a new boyfriend and go off on vacation while they're dealing with their father's problems. Be flexible and understanding about visits and schedules and holidays.

Think through what happens if he cuts them off financially.

Leaving him will not put them in a bad position, marrying him did. But that is done. Leaving him is actually modeling mental health/self care.

I might schedule one apt.with a mental health professional who can advise about how to do this best. Divorce lawyers might have names of specialists.Good luck.

You are doing the right thing.

+1000. Am doing the same thing. Our kids know his profile and so order by name and diagnosis. They see the symptom for themselves. They only get together when he is able to “be his best self.” They do not ask him for anything except meals out and fun, safe outings. Same as when in school all living in the same house. It was obvious he would blow up if asked to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Well, no. It is not necessarily healthier for the kids. Healthier for them might be that their mother continues to shield them. Now, she has no obligation to do so, but don't pretend like this is an improvement over the status quo for the kids. Don't expect they will be happy about this. It's important to go into a difficult divorce with eyes wide open.

Well, YES, it is healthier for the kids. And it most likely will not come as any suprise to them, and if they're anything like my kids-happy and relieved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Putting them in a position where they have to become estranged from their father or else deal with a very difficult person is putting them between a rock and a hard place. OP can do it, but don't expect the kids will endure this with anything other than resentment and distress. Have an awesome time not dealing with this problem, OP!

God, you sound selfish.

Well, I'm someone dealing with a similar situation as a parent. My kids resented it for a long time. Eventually they came around and became more accepting, but for a long time they coped with the stress by resenting me. And I understand. It was difficult for them and that's just the reality here.

If you’re talking about kids, fine.
But adults should be able to cope with a difficult parent by resenting the difficult parent, not the other parent. I understand staying together for the kids, but for an ADULT to expect their parents to stay together so the adult’s life is easier? Yeah, that’s just selfish, sorry. And I say this as a married person with divorced parents. I understand that life is harder when your parents are divorced, but I still would never expect them to be unhappy for the rest of their lives to make things a little easier for me.

This. The amount of misogyny in this thread is astonishing. The woman is expected to sacrifice her well being and mental health literally for the rest of her life while the man is just allowed to "be difficult" with no responsibility for the consequences. Adults are supposed to realize at some point that their father being an a-hole is not their mother's fault and deal with it accordingly.

100% Agree! Ridiculous that the woman should stay with an unstable man so that everyone can have holidays together.

If holidays with her kids are important to the OP, she should go into this knowing that she may be giving up 50%. If it's worth it to her, fine. But sometimes people in this situation think the kids will choose them over the other parent, or run themselves ragged trying to juggle both, and it often doesn't work out that way.

[Anonymous]

The people saying OP needs to stay so her kids don’t need to care for dad are insane.

My mom has a personality disorder and estranged all of her kids. No one is going to take care of her, no one even talks to her anymore, and everyone knows that’s 100% her fault.

Don’t worry, OP, your kids will see right through him. My mon refused to come to any of my milestones like college graduation because it was “too emotionally difficult” for her to be around my dad. I saw it for what it was, manipulative and vindictive.

Would any of you expect your own child to stay in an unhealthy marriage and remain deeply unhappy their entire lives? Probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people saying OP needs to stay so her kids don’t need to care for dad are insane.

My mom has a personality disorder and estranged all of her kids. No one is going to take care of her, no one even talks to her anymore, and everyone knows that’s 100% her fault.

Don’t worry, OP, your kids will see right through him. My mon refused to come to any of my milestones like college graduation because it was “too emotionally difficult” for her to be around my dad. I saw it for what it was, manipulative and vindictive.

Would any of you expect your own child to stay in an unhealthy marriage and remain deeply unhappy their entire lives? Probably not.

Nobody is saying she needs to stay. People are saying it will be difficult for the kids, they may resent her for a while, and she will likely be splitting up family time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people saying OP needs to stay so her kids don’t need to care for dad are insane.

My mom has a personality disorder and estranged all of her kids. No one is going to take care of her, no one even talks to her anymore, and everyone knows that’s 100% her fault.

Don’t worry, OP, your kids will see right through him. My mon refused to come to any of my milestones like college graduation because it was “too emotionally difficult” for her to be around my dad. I saw it for what it was, manipulative and vindictive.

Would any of you expect your own child to stay in an unhealthy marriage and remain deeply unhappy their entire lives? Probably not.

Nobody is saying she needs to stay. People are saying it will be difficult for the kids, they may resent her for a while, and she will likely be splitting up family time.

No, it's the same ACOD posters who have stalled at age 7 and think the whole world revolves around them and their fee-fees. OP is aware of the challenges and should be applauded for getting out of a toxic situations not badgered into staying because of Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

To Op, please report back after a year or so.

I’m planning my exit, kids are in high school. Trying to hold on for the next 3 years then I’m out.

Would love to hear more about your journey.