Reply to Leaving. Advice for how to minimize impact on college aged kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t have it in me to type out all of the details, but I’d like to leave my spouse whom I believe has a personality disorder. I mostly stayed to shield the kids, but as they got older, that became harder for all of the reasons that are usually articulated here when dealing with a personality disordered spouse or parent.

What I am wondering is how to help them through this because I am very worried that when I withdraw myself and my attention, he will turn his energies on them. They are both legal adults and in college. I am concerned about their mental health and also the impact on their studies, because they both have plans to apply to competitive grad programs.  I don’t think they understand enough about the situation and I don’t want to “support” by maligning their dad all the time and saying he’s a narcissist.

What are some things I can do to prepare and support?[/quote]

If your H is as bad as you say, this isn't going to be an easy divorce.  You could pay for your children to have therapy, because it's probably unaffordable for them on their own.

Be prepared for them to resent you.  You are choosing to walk away from your H, and you have the right to, but it isn't going to be easy for the children to be left holding the bag.  Unless they become estranged from their father and are prepared to let him age alone without their care, they're going to have to deal with him and his personality disorder without your help.  Be realistic about what you are setting up here for your children.  Don't expect them to be happy for you when you get a new boyfriend and go off on vacation while they're dealing with their father's problems.  Be flexible and understanding about visits and schedules and holidays.

Think through what happens if he cuts them off financially.[/quote]

Leaving him will not put them in a bad position, marrying him did. But that is done. Leaving him is actually modeling mental health/self care.

I might schedule one apt.with a mental health professional who can advise about how to do this best. Divorce lawyers might have names of specialists.Good luck.

You are doing the right thing. [/quote]

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