Leaving. Advice for how to minimize impact on college aged kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

You don’t need to celebrate holidays and birthdays together. Seriously the only contact you need to have with an ex when you have adult children is major milestones such as weddings. It’s not that hard. The kids will adapt.

What's hard is having a parent with a personality disorder, and they'll have that either way. But if the OP has been shielding them and suddenly stops, the kids are probably in for a rude awakening.

This. And there will be no buffer.

OP, I have been you and my heart goes out to you. Do you think he may cut them off financially? Seek to use them for narc supply?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Well, no. It is not necessarily healthier for the kids. Healthier for them might be that their mother continues to shield them. Now, she has no obligation to do so, but don't pretend like this is an improvement over the status quo for the kids. Don't expect they will be happy about this. It's important to go into a difficult divorce with eyes wide open.

So OP should remain in an abusive relationship because it might be easier for her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as the child of parents who divorced when I was in college, I can tell you this. Please do not make taking care of your soon-to-be-ex your children's responsibility. You are the one who brought this dad into their lives. I truly believe that you should continue to be involved in his care at least as much as you would be for a brother. It's not fair to adult children (esp. young adult children) to have to look after a mentally ill (or just very difficult) parent when they are not the ones who chose him in the first place.

ACOD really get on my nerves.. What if OP dies or becomes seriously ill herself? The children will be responsible for his care then anyway. The only one responsible for the soon-to-be exes care is him. He can make legal arrangements for his care post-divorce.e If he refuses to do that that's on him/ If the kids decide to be his savior that's on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Putting them in a position where they have to become estranged from their father or else deal with a very difficult person is putting them between a rock and a hard place. OP can do it, but don't expect the kids will endure this with anything other than resentment and distress. Have an awesome time not dealing with this problem, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as the child of parents who divorced when I was in college, I can tell you this. Please do not make taking care of your soon-to-be-ex your children's responsibility. You are the one who brought this dad into their lives. I truly believe that you should continue to be involved in his care at least as much as you would be for a brother. It's not fair to adult children (esp. young adult children) to have to look after a mentally ill (or just very difficult) parent when they are not the ones who chose him in the first place.

Agree.

And while I have read that some narcs mellow with age, I have not personally witnessed or experienced that. The ones in my family became more socially isolated and more demanding and difficult and entitled. They burn through other relationships, including with service providers and potential caregivers. Some live very, very long lives. There are no easy answers whatsoever that I have found.

OP the best hope is that your STBX can hide the crazy long enough and has enough money to attract a new partner. Failing that, it will not be easy.

[Anonymous]

They are old enough for you to be honest with them, this doesnt't mean you have to badmouth your husband, but be candid.
OP, it's okay for you to leave. You don't have to suffer for the rest of your life or his life.

You don't have to be his caregiver.


Your kids might be upset for a while, or they might actually understand why you are doing it. It's highly unlikely they are totally unaware of his mental instability.

As for what you do, you can support them but maintain your boundaries in regards to your ex. If you all can have holiday dinners together, that's great, but they have no right to expect you to tolerate any abuse or misbehavior from him in order for that to happen.

If they don't already, they will likely start seeing his toxic behavior for themselves and start creating their own boundaries.

Help them find resources if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Well, no. It is not necessarily healthier for the kids. Healthier for them might be that their mother continues to shield them. Now, she has no obligation to do so, but don't pretend like this is an improvement over the status quo for the kids. Don't expect they will be happy about this. It's important to go into a difficult divorce with eyes wide open.

So OP should remain in an abusive relationship because it might be easier for her kids.

Can you read at all? No, OP does not have to stay. But she should not expect her children to find their situation easy or manageable as her STBX ages. She should understand that her children are between and rock and a hard place, doing something very difficult that she has opted out of. She should not expect them to be happy for her, at least at first, and she should be sympathetic to the difficulties of their situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as the child of parents who divorced when I was in college, I can tell you this. Please do not make taking care of your soon-to-be-ex your children's responsibility. You are the one who brought this dad into their lives. I truly believe that you should continue to be involved in his care at least as much as you would be for a brother. It's not fair to adult children (esp. young adult children) to have to look after a mentally ill (or just very difficult) parent when they are not the ones who chose him in the first place.

ACOD really get on my nerves.. What if OP dies or becomes seriously ill herself? The children will be responsible for his care then anyway. The only one responsible for the soon-to-be exes care is him. He can make legal arrangements for his care post-divorce.e If he refuses to do that that's on him/ If the kids decide to be his savior that's on them.

Well, OP specifically asked how to mitigate the impact on the kids. And who better to help her than ACOD who have experienced it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Putting them in a position where they have to become estranged from their father or else deal with a very difficult person is putting them between a rock and a hard place. OP can do it, but don't expect the kids will endure this with anything other than resentment and distress. Have an awesome time not dealing with this problem, OP!

The dh is likely going to be an increasingly difficult person as he ages, regardless of whether OP stays married to him. Only difference is-if she remains with him, the kids will lose BOTH of them as she will be spending her life futively trying to shield dh's crazy from the kids and everyone, taking all her time and energy and emotional bandwidth.

Or, she could leave and have a healthy relationship with her kids, be a supportive mother and eventually grandmother even. The adult kids will have one stable and healthy parent in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Putting them in a position where they have to become estranged from their father or else deal with a very difficult person is putting them between a rock and a hard place. OP can do it, but don't expect the kids will endure this with anything other than resentment and distress. Have an awesome time not dealing with this problem, OP!

The dh is likely going to be an increasingly difficult person as he ages, regardless of whether OP stays married to him. Only difference is-if she remains with him, the kids will lose BOTH of them as she will be spending her life futively trying to shield dh's crazy from the kids and everyone, taking all her time and energy and emotional bandwidth.

Or, she could leave and have a healthy relationship with her kids, be a supportive mother and eventually grandmother even. The adult kids will have one stable and healthy parent in their lives.

I'm sure that will bring them a lot of comfort as they cope with their father. She can be off to the side, telling them how happy and healthy she is, while the cope on their own. They will love it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

How do you coparent adults?

You make clear to them that their parents will remain a friendly team committed to supporting them jointly. You won’t turn into enemies who can’t be in the same room. I went to a wedding where the bride’s parents were literally separated in two different rooms because they couldn’t be together. No shared holidays, events, etc. Their bitterness and bad behavior has negatively impacted her life for decades.

Do you want your college student to have separate updates with each parent about college graduation and grad school plans? Separate thanksgiving? Two christmases?

Do you expect your adult age children to want a joint Christmas or thanksgiving with their divorced parents? That’s not a thing.

What the parent in this situation should do is accept that they'll be seeing their children for every *other* Thanksgiving. And after the children marry, maybe one Thanksgiving every three or four years, or not at all, or you travel to them, or do a different weekend.

OP, really think it through, do you want to give up time with your kids (and grandkids)? If it's worth it to you, fine. But you gotta go into this with eyes wide open. If your children's father wants to see them on holidays, and if they marry someone who also has divorced parents, that's four households to visit. And a lot of ACOD with young kids of their own just throw up their hands and stay home. You will not be having the family life, long-term, that you would as a married person.

Sits stupid to stay married so you don’t have to split holidays, as you are implying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Putting them in a position where they have to become estranged from their father or else deal with a very difficult person is putting them between a rock and a hard place. OP can do it, but don't expect the kids will endure this with anything other than resentment and distress. Have an awesome time not dealing with this problem, OP!

God, you sound selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

How do you coparent adults?

You make clear to them that their parents will remain a friendly team committed to supporting them jointly. You won’t turn into enemies who can’t be in the same room. I went to a wedding where the bride’s parents were literally separated in two different rooms because they couldn’t be together. No shared holidays, events, etc. Their bitterness and bad behavior has negatively impacted her life for decades.

Do you want your college student to have separate updates with each parent about college graduation and grad school plans? Separate thanksgiving? Two christmases?

Do you expect your adult age children to want a joint Christmas or thanksgiving with their divorced parents? That’s not a thing.

What the parent in this situation should do is accept that they'll be seeing their children for every *other* Thanksgiving. And after the children marry, maybe one Thanksgiving every three or four years, or not at all, or you travel to them, or do a different weekend.

OP, really think it through, do you want to give up time with your kids (and grandkids)? If it's worth it to you, fine. But you gotta go into this with eyes wide open. If your children's father wants to see them on holidays, and if they marry someone who also has divorced parents, that's four households to visit. And a lot of ACOD with young kids of their own just throw up their hands and stay home. You will not be having the family life, long-term, that you would as a married person.

Sits stupid to stay married so you don’t have to split holidays, as you are implying.

It's up to OP to decide which she prefers. Sometimes people go into divorce without thinking it through long-term. I can tell you my own parents did not think about grandchild time, but now it really bothers them to get only half of what they otherwise would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if their dad has a major meltdown, who's gonna deal with it? Or do they just let the chips fall where they may?

The same people who will be dealing with it after OP doesn't leave and is driven to suicide by her husband or becomes incapable because of her own mental health issues after dealing with him for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you need to do for you. It’s the oxygen mask metaphor. Put on your mask before you help others with theirs.

Except it's more like she's not going to help the kids, she's going to have them deal with their dad without her.

They are adults! They have to forge their own relationships in life regardless of parents' marriage status.

It's not "forging a relationship", it's caring for an elderly adult with a personality disorder. That's what she's sticking them with, because she doesn't want to do it. Sorry but "My husband is super horrible so I am justified in leaving, and also this will be easy for the kids to deal with on their own" doesn't make any sense.

I'm the pp you responded to. It's not 'sticking them with' the stbxdh. He's not a car or a beanie baby or something. Dh is responsible for HIS OWN relationship with the Adult kids. The Adult kids are responsible for forging their own relationships. If DH behaves so badly to them that they don't want to deal with him, that is dh's fault.

Really, it's healthier for everyone if they divorce and then everyone has room to choose healthy, or no, relationships.

Putting them in a position where they have to become estranged from their father or else deal with a very difficult person is putting them between a rock and a hard place. OP can do it, but don't expect the kids will endure this with anything other than resentment and distress. Have an awesome time not dealing with this problem, OP!

God, you sound selfish.

Well, I'm someone dealing with a similar situation as a parent. My kids resented it for a long time. Eventually they came around and became more accepting, but for a long time they coped with the stress by resenting me. And I understand. It was difficult for them and that's just the reality here.