Leaving. Advice for how to minimize impact on college aged kids

[Anonymous]

I don’t have it in me to type out all of the details, but I’d like to leave my spouse whom I believe has a personality disorder. I mostly stayed to shield the kids, but as they got older, that became harder for all of the reasons that are usually articulated here when dealing with a personality disordered spouse or parent.

What I am wondering is how to help them through this because I am very worried that when I withdraw myself and my attention, he will turn his energies on them. They are both legal adults and in college. I am concerned about their mental health and also the impact on their studies, because they both have plans to apply to competitive grad programs. I don’t think they understand enough about the situation and I don’t want to “support” by maligning their dad all the time and saying he’s a narcissist.

What are some things I can do to prepare and support?

[Anonymous]

Get ready to see them half as much as your normally would. They will have to divide their home trips by two.

[Anonymous]

“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

[Anonymous]

Start a conversation and check in with each to ensure they have their resources for themselves - therapists, hotlines, other family relationships and knowledge about me natal health NAMA (national alliance in mental illness).

[Anonymous]

To the above? So, what.

OP, I’m going through the same thing right now. The only difference is that my DD has graduated, recently got a job and is moving out of the house (she was home during the pandemic). You can worry all you want about what your spouse will do, but in the end it is not your concern. YOU NEED TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. Honestly, I stayed way to long and should have left long ago. My studying did a lot of damage to me psychologically, emotionally and I am now learning even physically. It probably was no good for my DD too. If you feel the best thing you can do for yourself is divorce your disordered spouse and start a new life then do it. I’m sure your kids will be happier with a happier, healthier mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

How do you coparent adults?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

How do you coparent adults?

By being present at their events without making a scene or causing distress. And if they have a serious problem (e.g., cancer), you might have to work together to coordinate their care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have it in me to type out all of the details, but I’d like to leave my spouse whom I believe has a personality disorder. I mostly stayed to shield the kids, but as they got older, that became harder for all of the reasons that are usually articulated here when dealing with a personality disordered spouse or parent.

What I am wondering is how to help them through this because I am very worried that when I withdraw myself and my attention, he will turn his energies on them. They are both legal adults and in college. I am concerned about their mental health and also the impact on their studies, because they both have plans to apply to competitive grad programs. I don’t think they understand enough about the situation and I don’t want to “support” by maligning their dad all the time and saying he’s a narcissist.

What are some things I can do to prepare and support?

If your H is as bad as you say, this isn't going to be an easy divorce. You could pay for your children to have therapy, because it's probably unaffordable for them on their own.

Be prepared for them to resent you. You are choosing to walk away from your H, and you have the right to, but it isn't going to be easy for the children to be left holding the bag. Unless they become estranged from their father and are prepared to let him age alone without their care, they're going to have to deal with him and his personality disorder without your help. Be realistic about what you are setting up here for your children. Don't expect them to be happy for you when you get a new boyfriend and go off on vacation while they're dealing with their father's problems. Be flexible and understanding about visits and schedules and holidays.

Think through what happens if he cuts them off financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

How do you coparent adults?

You make clear to them that their parents will remain a friendly team committed to supporting them jointly. You won’t turn into enemies who can’t be in the same room. I went to a wedding where the bride’s parents were literally separated in two different rooms because they couldn’t be together. No shared holidays, events, etc. Their bitterness and bad behavior has negatively impacted her life for decades.

Do you want your college student to have separate updates with each parent about college graduation and grad school plans? Separate thanksgiving? Two christmases?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

You don’t need to celebrate holidays and birthdays together. Seriously the only contact you need to have with an ex when you have adult children is major milestones such as weddings. It’s not that hard. The kids will adapt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

How do you coparent adults?

You make clear to them that their parents will remain a friendly team committed to supporting them jointly. You won’t turn into enemies who can’t be in the same room. I went to a wedding where the bride’s parents were literally separated in two different rooms because they couldn’t be together. No shared holidays, events, etc. Their bitterness and bad behavior has negatively impacted her life for decades.

Do you want your college student to have separate updates with each parent about college graduation and grad school plans? Separate thanksgiving? Two christmases?

In my experience this is totally normal for college aged children. And separate holidays is exactly what people do after divorce if they remarry.

These parents are not a "friendly team" and they are not going to remain a friendly team! If the OP's H is really as bad as she says, this isn't going to be easy for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

You don’t need to celebrate holidays and birthdays together. Seriously the only contact you need to have with an ex when you have adult children is major milestones such as weddings. It’s not that hard. The kids will adapt.

What's hard is having a parent with a personality disorder, and they'll have that either way. But if the OP has been shielding them and suddenly stops, the kids are probably in for a rude awakening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

How do you coparent adults?

You make clear to them that their parents will remain a friendly team committed to supporting them jointly. You won’t turn into enemies who can’t be in the same room. I went to a wedding where the bride’s parents were literally separated in two different rooms because they couldn’t be together. No shared holidays, events, etc. Their bitterness and bad behavior has negatively impacted her life for decades.

Do you want your college student to have separate updates with each parent about college graduation and grad school plans? Separate thanksgiving? Two christmases?

Do you expect your adult age children to want a joint Christmas or thanksgiving with their divorced parents? That’s not a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

How do you coparent adults?

By being present at their events without making a scene or causing distress. And if they have a serious problem (e.g., cancer), you might have to work together to coordinate their care.

+1 to this and the other PP who answered. My parents divorced when I was in my early 20s and after things settled down, they’re great about this stuff, which makes it so much easier. If you can both be present for smaller events like grandchildren’s parties, etc., so much the better. Don’t expect your kids to cater to you or tie themselves in knots to accommodate multiple living situations for their parents. Remember that it’s an adjustment for them, too.

FWIW, my mom did have cancer and my dad pitched in when he could to help. When I got married, they both walked me down the aisle. They were both here for my older DS’s birthday party this past week. Things like that make all the difference. I’m very grateful to both of them for that. (DH’s parents, on the other hand, had to be kept separate the entire wedding, despite having been divorced for decades)

Oh, and if your adult kids have problems, work together to help them. Parenting doesn’t end when kids turn 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Kids, I want you to know that your father and I are planning to divorce, but I don’t want you to worry about either of us. We want you two to know that we will always love you, and we will do our best to minimize the impact. You probably know that Dad isn’t always to live with. We feel we will both be happier if we live apart.” Blah blah blah

Try to keep it amicable. Sell it to your stbxh as his ticket to happiness. And, prioritize continued coparenting to make things easy for your kids. Celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. together. Be kind.

How do you coparent adults?

You make clear to them that their parents will remain a friendly team committed to supporting them jointly. You won’t turn into enemies who can’t be in the same room. I went to a wedding where the bride’s parents were literally separated in two different rooms because they couldn’t be together. No shared holidays, events, etc. Their bitterness and bad behavior has negatively impacted her life for decades.

Do you want your college student to have separate updates with each parent about college graduation and grad school plans? Separate thanksgiving? Two christmases?

Do you expect your adult age children to want a joint Christmas or thanksgiving with their divorced parents? That’s not a thing.

What the parent in this situation should do is accept that they'll be seeing their children for every *other* Thanksgiving. And after the children marry, maybe one Thanksgiving every three or four years, or not at all, or you travel to them, or do a different weekend.

OP, really think it through, do you want to give up time with your kids (and grandkids)? If it's worth it to you, fine. But you gotta go into this with eyes wide open. If your children's father wants to see them on holidays, and if they marry someone who also has divorced parents, that's four households to visit. And a lot of ACOD with young kids of their own just throw up their hands and stay home. You will not be having the family life, long-term, that you would as a married person.