“He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
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Anonymous
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If your child is poorly behaved, your parenting style is not working. There is a middle ground between “stop that crying” and failing to instill adequate rules, boundaries, and expectations for behavior. Find it. Seriously. Children feel safer when they have boundaries and expectations. It helps with social behavior and making friends- don’t you want that for your child? Your style of parenting might work with certain children, but it doesn’t work for your child. You need to start doing some thing different.
I have a friend who parents like you. Her oldest child is incredibly poorly behaved. It’s not working for them, and now her son can’t maintain friendships because he can’t keep his hands to himself and he is rude and mean. how is your child at forming and maintaining friendships OP? |
Anonymous
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OP here.
DS is a gem at Sunday school, his classes, and with his peers. He’s generally friendly and listens well when on play dates. With us: -“I’m not putting on my shoes because you didn’t do X when I asked you to do it”. He’s VERY disrespectful to us. I would’ve gotten my butt walloped for talking how he does. -“you said ‘come up for dinner’ and dinner isn’t even on the table!” Again, just simply rude in a way that isn’t appropriate I don’t think. -fusses/tantrums/meltdowns: “Larla is ALWAYS first on her bike” screams, stomps feet We went to see a family friend yesterday and he didn’t like the small gift she gave him so he threw it and screamed. I know exactly what “Instagram parenting” is, and yeah we’ve done it. It clearly doesn’t work for this kid. We need rules and boundaries but nothing works. Also, yes, we are playing the long game. I don’t like my parents. They were overseers and didn’t engage with us. I want a relationship with my child, forever. But I also don’t want him to be a brat. |
Anonymous
What are you doing to address these behaviors? Nothing is not working. |
Anonymous
He behaves for others and not for you because you let him be rude to you. I get that kids can melt down with their parents and not others because they are more comfortable with their parents, but that is no reason to be a doormat for your child's repeated disrespect to you. Again you don't need to be your parents but you can discipline and enforce basic politeness without being authoritarian about it. If he's asking for something in a rude way, you can say in a neutral tone, "I'm going to need you to rephrase that... that's not a polite way to ask. try again." When he complies, say "that's better, thanks" and give him what he asked for. You don't need to yell to discipline. |
Anonymous
That’s really not true. I can show you some articles saying that’s not spending time with your kids, not communicating with them, getting angry out of nowhere, and harshly punishing your kids leads to poorly behaved adults. Can you find me one that says that too many hugs is the problem? |
Anonymous
Op, these things are not okay. There’s space in between a butt wallop and ignoring bad behaviour. Try reading “1,2,3 Magic” and see if it might help, though I think most start with it earlier than 6. You need to do something. His behaviour is not okay. |
Anonymous
Np here. I’ve seen it in action. Really nice moms with nightmare kids because they don’t have it in them to put their foot down on bad behaviors. Read op’s post above. It’s understandable given her upbringing that she didn’t have good parenting modeled for her. But swinging the opposite way and letting her son get away with acting poorly isn’t an improvement. Op, look for some parenting classes. You need help. That’s okay, a lot of us do. You didn’t experience good parenting. You need to learn how to do it. |
Anonymous
That sounds awful. He already is a brat. Do better. |
Anonymous
Oh honey. I think you've gotten confused somewhere along the way and now you're paying the price for it in a big way. Kids LIKE rules and boundaries. Not intellectually, but they make kids feel safe and secure. Your son is six - he should be helping with dinner. Setting the table, getting out the drinks, whatever. When he screamed and threw a small gift a friend gave, he needed to be taken out of wherever he was, given a STERN talking to about how his behavior was completedy unacceptable, and we will stand there until he is ready to go back in, apologize and behave appropriately. When he complains someone else is first on their bike, rephrase for him. "You wanted to be first; it seems like Larla always wins the imaginary race you're having in your head and that doesn't feel fair." |
Anonymous
| I remember assuming that after a visit with his grandma or his aunt and her family--none of them were harsh with children--I would pay for it in more difficult behavior for a little while, whether that was releasing pent up control or on some level revenge for "abandoning" him (we're talking preschool years). And in general the kid Hyde side was never revealed when he was at other people's houses. (And no, I never got hit by my kid, not even close, and I didn't make a big issue of disrespectful talk, I would focus on what I wanted him to do or not do). |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you; some of you are being so helpful.
We don’t know how we landed here. We suspect *some* special needs because our other child isn’t like this at all, and how can nature/nurture be so completely off? Our second son, just 9 months behind him, is so sweet, kind, empathetic…always has been. And DS1 has always been his way. One could argue he’s fallen into that role and can’t get out? I dunno. DS just isn’t compliant or pleasant. Asking him to help with dinner would result in a fit “why do I always have to help!” Screaming. We just have to bite the bullet and come down hard on him with boundaries and rules. He just pushes and pushes and wears us down so much. This is why we are where we are, I guess. |
Anonymous
Oh my god. Please don’t blame “special needs” for your idiotic parenting. And stop wringing your hands about not knowing how you ended up here. Give him consequences for bad behavior, and also model for him what good behavior looks like. Give him the tools to act right. |
Anonymous
NP. I disagree that it’s rude. My parents say that to me too! My DD (4) is generally well-behaved but she does have her whiny, tantrumy moments. And they happen to occur mostly with me! They take her for weekends sometimes and comment that she had 0 tantrums, and I absolutely believe them. I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with my parenting. Kids melt down sometimes. OP, I could somewhat excuse your son’s whiny behavior as all of my nieces and nephews were a bit whiny between 6-8 and have grown out of it now. But the throwing of the gift would NOT be acceptable to me and would result in a serious reprimand immediately and some sort of consequence later (no TV for X days). |
Anonymous
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Lol op! Of course it’s you!
But that is true for most parents. From your update it does sound like you are doing nothing to install some discipline. Read and live by1,2, 3 Magic. Hopefully he is not too old for it and hopefully you will realize that the book teaches you how to behave not your son, not as much. |
Anonymous
Agree with this, yikes. You need to rethink rules and boundaries. A 6 year old doesn't need the pressure of making all decisions, you should make rules for them and let them control a small part of their world until they're capable of controlling more. He probably does well in Sunday school and other areas because there are more rules and that's what a 6 year old needs. For the the manners part, we have a rule in our house that you ask nicely the first time, or it's an automatic no to whatever you're asking. For example: Kid: Get my milk Me: Try again Kid: May I please have some milk? Me: Good job, that's much nicer, but no you cannot have milk now because you didn't ask correctly the first time. Think before you speak to others. Are they doing chores? Demand better and you'll get better. Good luck! |