“He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???

[Anonymous]

We are visiting my parents now. We see them maybe once a month. They are quite strict, to the point that I don’t enjoy leaving my kids with them because it’s a lot of “stop that crying” kind of parenting.

Maybe that’s what my son needs though? I’ve left him alone with my parents a lot this trip to go do various things myself: hair, nails, visiting friends. Every time as soon as I come back to their house, my son starts throwing a fit or whining or talking back. My parents are adamant “he didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”… “We don’t put up with this stuff”…

Is it me? Am I too laid back?
They aren’t wrong. My son is very poorly behaved. But everything says but you shouldn’t parent the way to my parents did: “stop that right now”. We’ve definitely take a more “positive parenting” approach. Has that landed us with a brat?

Or, does he just act that way because he’s comfortable around me?

[Anonymous]

This is 100% normal. Your kid lets their guard down and pushes boundaries around their closest caregivers because they feel safe. A child acting like a robot is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Odds are strong that your son holds it together while you are away, and looses it when he's back with you and feeling safe expressing his emotions.

That said, kids need boundaries. I'm not sure what sort of "positive parenting" philosophy you're following, but its possible that you may be swinging a bit too far in the opposite direction in reaction to what your childhood experience was. You'll need to take an objective look at your parenting (and your son!) to see if what you are doing is working for him. Some kids need a firmer hand than others, and that's okay.

[Anonymous]

He feels comfortable with you and feels free to let his hair down, so to speak.

But you say that he's poorly behaved. Some (most) children do a lot better with clear structure and rules rather than an easy permissive household with nebulous or ambiguous rules. They need to know what the rules are, where the boundaries are, and if there aren't enough rules or boundaries in his house, then he's not going to be happy or well behaved.

Listen to your parents and figure out how to implement some more of their rules. Persistence and consistency are the way to teach a child (and train a puppy).

[Anonymous]

You are the safe place, that's why. Judge your parenting by how your kids act when you are NOT there, not by how they act with you.

When they are older you will have moments when other adults compliment your child, and inside your head you will think they must have your kid confused with some other kid!

[Anonymous]

This argument that kids act up around mom's because they feel safe is the dumbest bullshit. I have friends who literally excuse their kids from hitting them or shouting at them on this basis. Women are martyrs enough. They don't need to get shit on by their kids as well in guise of aspirational parenting. OP, find a better way for your kid. It sounds like you are raising a spoiled entitled brat and you are going to unleash him on society. There is a middle ground between dranconian parenting and being a pushover. Sometimes your kids not going to like your rules or boundaries. That's too bad if that makes you uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This argument that kids act up around mom's because they feel safe is the dumbest bullshit. I have friends who literally excuse their kids from hitting them or shouting at them on this basis. Women are martyrs enough. They don't need to get shit on by their kids as well in guise of aspirational parenting. OP, find a better way for your kid. It sounds like you are raising a spoiled entitled brat and you are going to unleash him on society. There is a middle ground between dranconian parenting and being a pushover. Sometimes your kids not going to like your rules or boundaries. That's too bad if that makes you uncomfortable.

+1

Whining, yelling, or worse is not respect. Require respect from your DC. Model respect towards him and expect respect from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

You don’t like to leave your kids with your parents because they are strict, but you do when you want a manicure? No.

This is a grandparent trying to troll people into “modern parenting is too permissive.” Not buying it.

What? No. I’m the OP. They ARE super strict. I won’t let them keep him for a week or weekend but a few hours here and there.

[Anonymous]

I started parenting thinking all the positive parenting was enough. “Feet on the floor” instead of “no jumping on the couch” and time ins instead of time outs, natural consequences, etc.

I think this works for a certain type of kid (ie generally easy going and compliant) and doesn’t work for the majority. We learned quickly that if we wanted our kids to behave at home and in school and in other peoples houses, we had to be more strict. They are great kids who get complimented on their manners AND they love us and love to spend time with us—no bond breaking or resentment. It sounds like you need a more firm approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started parenting thinking all the positive parenting was enough. “Feet on the floor” instead of “no jumping on the couch” and time ins instead of time outs, natural consequences, etc.

I think this works for a certain type of kid (ie generally easy going and compliant) and doesn’t work for the majority. We learned quickly that if we wanted our kids to behave at home and in school and in other peoples houses, we had to be more strict. They are great kids who get complimented on their manners AND they love us and love to spend time with us—no bond breaking or resentment. It sounds like you need a more firm approach.

+1
Here’s my experience. I have multiple kids who ended up 15 years apart. I was really strict and scheduled with the first 1-3. Loosened up with 4-5 and was far nicer, less strict and more positive/let some things go. I am back to being strict with #6. #4-5 are a constant battle with school deadlines and bad behavior, even now that they’re older. I wish I had been more firm. You can take being more comfortable with mom out of the equation. In a big fan ox 123 magic and being 100% consistent…not mean but firm and consistently so.

[Anonymous]

You say your kid is very poorly behaved. Clearly whatever you've BEEN doing hasnt been working so it's time to try something else. I'm sure there is something aside from your way and your parents "Stop crying before I give you something to cry about" way. Find it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

You don’t like to leave your kids with your parents because they are strict, but you do when you want a manicure? No.

This is a grandparent trying to troll people into “modern parenting is too permissive.” Not buying it.

What? No. I’m the OP. They ARE super strict. I won’t let them keep him for a week or weekend but a few hours here and there.

In that case, you need to be more specific.

You say they are "stop that crying" sort of parents. That sounds bad to me -- "stop that crying" is a super lazy approach to parenting, it's the outlet of a parent (or grandparent) who has zero awareness of teaching kids how to manage their emotions in a functional way.

What else are they doing? Threats of violence? If so, of course he is "well-behaved" around them -- he is afraid they will hit him. And this is also what is causing him to cry and "misbehave" when you return -- he knows you are there to protect him and can let him out. The PPs who don't believe this phenomenon did not grow up in abusive homes (as I did). Parenting that leans on harsh punishment and threats of violence can create short term compliance, but ultimate the child doesn't learn how to control their behavior -- they can only do it under duress, and sometimes even that fails. Kids actually have to be taught to behave in desirable ways, through patience and consistent instruction, not by simply threatening them.

I wonder if one problem is that as someone raised in a very strict home, you may simply not know how to set boundaries in a non-violent and respectful way. Here's an example. Say a child is allowed to watch one 30 minute television show before dinner, but consistently whines and complains for more.

Strict/borderline abusive parenting: "You stop that whining right now or you don't get dinner at all. And if I hear you complain about it again, I'm getting out my belt and you only have yourself to blame."

Permissive parenting with poor boundaries: "Ok, one more, but then that's it."

Firm but gentle parenting: "No, we agreed to 30 minutes. I know it can be hard to turn off the TV. I think if it is hard again tomorrow, we will take a break from TV time for a while until we can turn it off more calmly."

Gentle parenting doesn't mean letting kids do whatever they want. It means that you don't threaten and berate your kids. You still have rules and you hold to them, but you enforce the rules gently and respectfully. You validate feelings of frustration and disappointment while teaching them that those feelings are normal in life, in part because no one gets their way 100% of the time.

[Anonymous]

How old are your children? Have you ever used a sitter or sent your kids to preschool? Did you receive any negative feedback from these sources? These answers will lead you to determine if your child has a behavior problem or your parents aren’t good sitters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% normal. Your kid lets their guard down and pushes boundaries around their closest caregivers because they feel safe. A child acting like a robot is not normal.

+1

I would assume you see this at school as well - my kids don't act the same way in front of their teachers as they do in front of my husband and me.

Think back to when you were a kid - were you the same around your grandparents? Mine were pretty strict and I certainly did not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% normal. Your kid lets their guard down and pushes boundaries around their closest caregivers because they feel safe. A child acting like a robot is not normal.

Yep exact same thing happens to us.

Oh yes grandparents just think our parenting is ineffective..oh well.