“He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just rude your parents said that

OP here and yes, I completely agree. It’s a very sore subject, our child’s behavior. He’s 6 and very poorly behaved. But do they have to tell us? Probably. Probably not? I dunno.

You can not be for real!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just rude your parents said that

OP here and yes, I completely agree. It’s a very sore subject, our child’s behavior. He’s 6 and very poorly behaved. But do they have to tell us? Probably. Probably not? I dunno.

Maybe not, and I'm wary of grandparents claiming that in their day, their kids never did [bad behavior] because they were so good at parenting.... but as a separate issue, you may want to examine your parenting. He's 6. I get that a younger kid may be kind of all over the place, but a 6 yo should be able to regulate himself a bit so that his own mother doesn't describe his behavior as bratty on the regular. How is it bratty? Is your positive parenting style working? There's a middle ground between your parents' extremely strict behavior and being totally permissive.

[Anonymous]

We had kids later than a lot of our friends and the ones who follow the Instagram-style very modern parenting techniques have poorly behaved kids, to the point we don’t get together with them with their kids cuz it’s annoying AF. One set of friends in particular are very strict yet empathetic and their kids are angels. We are definitely going the stricter route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just rude your parents said that

OP here and yes, I completely agree. It’s a very sore subject, our child’s behavior. He’s 6 and very poorly behaved. But do they have to tell us? Probably. Probably not? I dunno.

Can we help you get him better behaved? Can you give say, three examples of his bad behavior, and then we can give suggestions on how to deal with it? I have a six year old who is very well-behaved. She even argues politely. I can't say I created it, but I do try to nurture her good behavior.

[Anonymous]

I've seen my mom say this to my brother. It's true, but not because she "sets boundaries." My niece doesn't act up the whole time she is there because my parents never ask her to do anything she doesn't want to do. They let her watch TV and eat snacks and play pretend with her and read her whatever book she wants. Why would she act up?
Then my brother walks in the door, and he tells her to turn off the television and put her toys away and put her shoes on and get ready to go. Of course that's when she acts up. It's not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just rude your parents said that

OP here and yes, I completely agree. It’s a very sore subject, our child’s behavior. He’s 6 and very poorly behaved. But do they have to tell us? Probably. Probably not? I dunno.

No they shouldn’t tell you. He’s perfect the whole time they have him and I feel like they have to point out the one thing he does wrong. Plus they have to throw in he’s not like that when we have them which is passive aggressive for you’re doing something wrong when it’s actually normal and you’re not doing anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just rude your parents said that

OP here and yes, I completely agree. It’s a very sore subject, our child’s behavior. He’s 6 and very poorly behaved. But do they have to tell us? Probably. Probably not? I dunno.

Can we help you get him better behaved? Can you give say, three examples of his bad behavior, and then we can give suggestions on how to deal with it? I have a six year old who is very well-behaved. She even argues politely. I can't say I created it, but I do try to nurture her good behavior.

It’s normal for six-year-olds to hold it together for strangers. Yes grandparents are essentially strangers. And then when they see the person that loves them unconditionally they have a mini meltdown. You can Google it it’s common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your DC? The couple of moms that I’ve known who were so nice and not particularly firm with their kids didn’t have the best outcomes as they went I to teen years and beyond. Plus a lot of times other parents didn’t want to do play dates. You might benefit from reading a parenting book.

I did not see this.

I have 31 first cousins, and the four that were the worst behaved were all from one family. They were all boys, and my aunt had a motto that "you have to be a boy in order to become a man." They all are wonderful people and a lot of fun to be around as adults. Three are doctors, one is an engineer. They all married nice people, are good parents themselves, and continue to be good sons and good members of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had kids later than a lot of our friends and the ones who follow the Instagram-style very modern parenting techniques have poorly behaved kids, to the point we don’t get together with them with their kids cuz it’s annoying AF. One set of friends in particular are very strict yet empathetic and their kids are angels. We are definitely going the stricter route.

Our group of friends definitely stopped hanging out with parents like this. And people like this generally target boys and any girl that’s rough and tumble. We are thankful that they spared us their company.

Our kids are in college and beyond now and super successful, tons of friends, loving partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are visiting my parents now. We see them maybe once a month. They are quite strict, to the point that I don’t enjoy leaving my kids with them because it’s a lot of “stop that crying” kind of parenting.

Maybe that’s what my son needs though? I’ve left him alone with my parents a lot this trip to go do various things myself: hair, nails, visiting friends. Every time as soon as I come back to their house, my son starts throwing a fit or whining or talking back. My parents are adamant “he didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”… “We don’t put up with this stuff”…

Is it me? Am I too laid back?
They aren’t wrong. My son is very poorly behaved. But everything says but you shouldn’t parent the way to my parents did: “stop that right now”. We’ve definitely take a more “positive parenting” approach. Has that landed us with a brat?

Or, does he just act that way because he’s comfortable around me?

He acts that way as you clearly care more about yourself than him and aren't willing to put in the time with him or set the expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother will insist that we never did X and then explains how her perfect parenting decisions produced that result, even though I can remember doing X

This isn’t about your mother. The OP said her kid is poorly behaved!

But so far she hasn't given any examples of actual poor behavior -- just grumpiness when a kid has to do something he doesn't want to do. And yes, that's a problem, but I wouldn't consider it full-blown "poorly behaved"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had kids later than a lot of our friends and the ones who follow the Instagram-style very modern parenting techniques have poorly behaved kids, to the point we don’t get together with them with their kids cuz it’s annoying AF. One set of friends in particular are very strict yet empathetic and their kids are angels. We are definitely going the stricter route.

What the hell is "Instagram-style very modern parenting techniques"?

I am starting to think that a lot of people are assuming that super permissive parenting is a "new fad" and not just the same old crappy parenting that's always been around. There have always been lazy, permissive parents who are too disinterested or bored to set boundaries or enforce rules. And their kids have always run a little (someones a lot) wild and annoyed everyone else. This has been happening forever.

The main difference I see now is that we have culturally cracked down on people on the other end of the spectrum, parents who are incredibly controlling and cruel to their kids. We have have laws and social mores that makes this harder to do, and people will more openly judge this as abusive, which is what it is. But guess what, super permissive parenting is neglectful, which is a form of abuse. And again, it's always been happening.

There is not actually a newfangled approach to parenting that involves letting your kids do whatever they want and never parenting them. Most people I know follow some variation of the prevailing wisdom of the day, which is that kids need boundaries and structure, but also you should be nice to your kids and treat them respectfully (i.e. not berate them or yell at them). Some people are better at it than others, some kids respond better or worse than others, but I don't really feel like any of my friends or siblings is some outlier. This is the prevailing wisdom on parenting right now, and it's not super permissive at all. Kids lives are pretty structured and a lot is expected of them, in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother will insist that we never did X and then explains how her perfect parenting decisions produced that result, even though I can remember doing X

This isn’t about your mother. The OP said her kid is poorly behaved!

But so far she hasn't given any examples of actual poor behavior -- just grumpiness when a kid has to do something he doesn't want to do. And yes, that's a problem, but I wouldn't consider it full-blown "poorly behaved"

That is what she said in her initial post. He is “poorly behaved”. Her words, not mine. She said it again at 13:54

[Anonymous]

OP, just love on your kid. He may not be the most polite and well-behaved child. You may miss out on a few playdates. But those are short term consequences. You have a long-term goal here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just love on your kid. He may not be the most polite and well-behaved child. You may miss out on a few playdates. But those are short term consequences. You have a long-term goal here.

A poorly behaved child who is coddled and never disciplined by his mother turns into a poorly behaved adult. You know discipline means to teach, right? It doesn't mean to punish.