How do some people luck out with great adult kids and others have kids who abandon them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes what looks wonderful to outsiders isn't so great from the inside. A lot of people say wonderful things about my mom, but she's secretly insane. They just don't know her well enough to see it and she does a good job masking.

I agree with this. My mom is very outgoing and easily makes friends, people generally adore her. All my friends liked her growing up. My dad is very successful and is very admired by his circles. They were very neglectful and horrible to me as parents. As an adult we have a complicated relationship. While I would want to make sure they received good medical care in their old age, I don’t think I could bring myself to plan an elaborate celebration of life for them. It would be too painful and it would feel too insincere.

[Anonymous]

A big part of this is that people who aren’t familiar with mental illness tend to think that crazy people are a consistent amount of crazy in all contexts. They are not. Many people who struggle with mental illness are able to function really well in surface contexts. My mom was always one of the more popular people in her church/workplace/neighborhood. She is friendly and helpful to strangers.

As a mom she was controlling and emotionally abusive. I love her and still visit regularly but I also feel that I have paid my dues in a lot of ways. I don’t feel a deep need to support her emotionally as an adult because my entire childhood was about her emotions. She has anxiety and depression that she “managed” by talking out her feelings with me, her daughter. My earliest memories (age 2-3) are of sitting on the couch patting her shoulder while she cried. I am done. To her friends, I often seem cold and distant.

Likewise my dad is really fun and jovial with strangers and casual acquaintances. But as a father he would fly into a rage at the drop of a hat and was a figure of fear. He had depression, which often shows up as anger for men. He would hold in all his anger and resentment from every other part of his life and then expel it behind closed doors. We were hit, yelled at and punished because that was more comfortable for him than admitting he needed lots and lots of therapy. His sisters don’t understand why we are such ungrateful children.

[Anonymous]

And what would you think of two attentive adult children who loved their mom but were not great public speakers and whose kids were not well-behaved? Or a very accomplished and articulate adult child who did not visit her mother during her illness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have narcissistic parents that from the outside people don't see because they are so good at masking it - but trust me, those of us who are children of narcissists know and will not be doing an elaborate slideshow at their memorial. I could see people might be surprised by that, because to them, she is a great person. Little do they know...

My father was charming to strangers and physically and psychologically abusive to his children. Very well respected in his community, volunteer of the year. I literally do not have a single memory of him ever playing ball with us, attending a school function, fishing, camping. It was all for show. I can't imagine what I would say at his funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes what looks wonderful to outsiders isn't so great from the inside. A lot of people say wonderful things about my mom, but she's secretly insane. They just don't know her well enough to see it and she does a good job masking.

This. My mom is an ordained minister. Most people see her as so caring, helping at a homeless shelter, going across the world to bring donations to orphans, preaching good values and lessons...

No one knows the misery she has caused me.

[Anonymous]

You could have horrible adult kids who never leave home and you are supporting into their 50s.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I’ll bite. Beyond when there is abuse, dysfunction etc. I would say that there are some parents who don’t work to build relationships with their kids growing up. They are focused on what needs to get done, and it does. But they don’t allow their kids to get to know them as people. I’m not talking about being friends with them when they’re kids, but with connecting with their kids on a personal level. As people get older, there isn’t much to talk about and especially if a child marries and the spouse is close to their family, moves far away, etc., things can drift off. And if the parent again doesn’t initiate or take steps to make those connections, it can just be a distant relationship.

I’m not saying it’s the parents’ fault. I’m just saying that if the kids don’t feel that emotionally connected to begin with, it’s becomes easier for them to not do as much as one could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have narcissistic parents that from the outside people don't see because they are so good at masking it - but trust me, those of us who are children of narcissists know and will not be doing an elaborate slideshow at their memorial. I could see people might be surprised by that, because to them, she is a great person. Little do they know...

+1000

[Anonymous]

My family is absolutely opposite.

We are very close knit family and we are there for each other (parents, ILs, Siblings, nieces, nephews, uncles-aunty, grandparents). Our motto is to help each other become successful in life, take care of children and elderly and be a support net for each other. However, our funerals are simple and straight-forward, with minimal fuss. No elaborate memorial service, just a simple cremation and that's that. Of course, we do follow the customs and rituals of our religion and then everything is over.

What we actually do very well is support the survivors to the full extent, do all the running around necessary (paperwork, selling of the house, consolidating stuff, making arrangements for survivors, distributing responsibility for taking care of elderly, children, pets, emotional-psychological support for survivors for few years for all the anniversaries and significant dates, daily calls etc) to close the last chapter of life of the deceased.

We also don't throw a memorial feast that is normal for our culture after the funeral and for a few more years after that. We just give the money to our local orphanage and sponsor a meal for the residents in the memory of the deceased person.

I would want the same thing. Go with minimal fuss. Perhaps I am also a person who has a small impact and I am really a-ok with my very average life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I’ll bite. Beyond when there is abuse, dysfunction etc. I would say that there are some parents who don’t work to build relationships with their kids growing up. They are focused on what needs to get done, and it does. But they don’t allow their kids to get to know them as people. I’m not talking about being friends with them when they’re kids, but with connecting with their kids on a personal level. As people get older, there isn’t much to talk about and especially if a child marries and the spouse is close to their family, moves far away, etc., things can drift off. And if the parent again doesn’t initiate or take steps to make those connections, it can just be a distant relationship.

I’m not saying it’s the parents’ fault. I’m just saying that if the kids don’t feel that emotionally connected to begin with, it’s becomes easier for them to not do as much as one could.

+1

I have noticed that sometimes parents with very authoritarian approaches to parenting really struggle to transition their relationships with their kids once their kids are adults. My parents are like this. I’m in my 40s and my mom still talks to me and treats me like a child sometimes. My dad too. They really struggle to see me as an adult even though I’ve been financially independent since I graduated college, am married, own a house, have a career, and am a parent myself.

A small example: when my parents visit they are often openly critical of our home. My dad will complain it’s too small and ask why we can’t afford a bigger home (our house is plenty big enough for our small family, just right with visitors). My mom will critique my decor and note if she sees dust or other minor things that aren’t perfectly clean.

I have pointed out to them how rude this is. I’ve noted that they would never behave this way at a friend’s house or when visiting other family, including my cousins (so it’s not just an age thing). I’ve pointed out that I would never make these kinds of critiques of their home when we visit, because it is so rude. But they feel entitled to it because I’m their daughter. And they are like this with everything. They cannot see me as an adult or equal, I must always be subordinate. So we will never be close and I rarely enjoy our time together. And it’s on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tread very carefully here.

Lots of reasons.
- People aren't always reliable narrators.
- Long slideshows are lovely, but not all families had time/resources/means to document beautiful moments, and not all adults have time/means/ability to make these slideshows.
- People show love in different ways.
- These are really high-SES demonstrations of love: spending money, time, public speaking skills, etc... Love can look different for different families.

Awwww, my kids are too young for this, and I hope for the best with them because I love them so much. But probably because I have some distance here, I totally totally agree with you.

Impossible to know what's really going on in someone's family.

Agree, all good points here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t do much for my MIL when she died. She wasn’t abusive or a bad mother or grandmother at all. I don’t think she had a personality disorder. It seemed to me that she spent her whole life just trying not to be in the way. She didn’t initiate plans, and if she had something else going on when we initiated or it was too difficult to get together, then she would just apologize and say that she couldn’t make it rather than trying to get something to work.

When she died, her husband organized her burial, and DH and his brother put together a little memorial service and calling hours. They said a few words, but no one else really did. My kids had only met her a few times. She wasn’t religious at all, so there wasn’t a sermon.

I’m sure that her friends saw her as a very sweet person, and she was. She just had a small impact.

Maybe she just didn’t care for you and the kids very much?

Yes. Your last line hurt me and I wasn't even there. Small impact? I don't think of anyone that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes what looks wonderful to outsiders isn't so great from the inside. A lot of people say wonderful things about my mom, but she's secretly insane. They just don't know her well enough to see it and she does a good job masking.

This. My mom is an ordained minister. Most people see her as so caring, helping at a homeless shelter, going across the world to bring donations to orphans, preaching good values and lessons...

No one knows the misery she has caused me.

This is sad. I am curious.

[Anonymous]

This should say "how do some people luck out with great parents and others have ones that kicked them around for their whole lives?"

Of course some people have legitimately bad kids for whatever reason I suppose, some personality disorder. But for the majority of people, if none of their kids show up for their funeral or seem like they give a crap when they die, then they were probably a garbage parent in ways that they themselves might not even understand.

My mom would CERTAINLY describe me as distant or aloof and when she dies I will attend and go through the motions, I'll probably even cry, but her death will be the cutting of shackles that have been on me my whole life. It will be a new beginning, an era of my ability to live my life without the threat of her narcississtic, BPD instability hovering over me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This should say "how do some people luck out with great parents and others have ones that kicked them around for their whole lives?"

Of course some people have legitimately bad kids for whatever reason I suppose, some personality disorder. But for the majority of people, if none of their kids show up for their funeral or seem like they give a crap when they die, then they were probably a garbage parent in ways that they themselves might not even understand.

My mom would CERTAINLY describe me as distant or aloof and when she dies I will attend and go through the motions, I'll probably even cry, but her death will be the cutting of shackles that have been on me my whole life. It will be a new beginning, an era of my ability to live my life without the threat of her narcississtic, BPD instability hovering over me.

I relate to this. Now with age my mother cannot hide her narcissism and rage issues as well, so while I am her primary scapegoat, since i have backed away some it occasionally leaks out toward others. Those who haven't seen it think she's amazing. She could turn on the charm and she was quite beautiful up through her 60s. That combo makes people overlook the signs that someone is not a nice person. Now that her looks and charm have faded she certainly does win over new people. That said, I had to come up with things to say to people who gush to me about how wonderful my mother is and I assume I will need to to do the same for her when she dies, if she doesn't kill me off first with her tantrums. "It sounds like you had some great experiences with her" "It sounds like you were very fond of her." I can keep it classy and not tell the truth, while not lying-just reflect back. I do think if she ever passes away (seems to be in great health) it will be a new begging when the abuse finally stops. I can finally never see her Golden child as well...who joined in on the abuse. I will give her a funeral and go through the motions. My tears will probably be because I still wonder how she could have been so cruel and volatile. There will be no slide show or stories of what a saint she was. I will not share my truth because there is no point. I will just give her a generic goodbye.