How do some people luck out with great adult kids and others have kids who abandon them

[Anonymous]

DH’s mother was a closet alcoholic for most of her adult life and his childhood was very dysfunctional. Everyone who does not know this probably thinks he is a terrible son for not visiting her at her assisted living. His mother became sober in her 80ties due to cirrhosis.

My father was abusive, emotionally and sexually. People think he is a kind, grandfatherly old man now and wonder why his adult kids have cut him off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I’ll bite. Beyond when there is abuse, dysfunction etc. I would say that there are some parents who don’t work to build relationships with their kids growing up. They are focused on what needs to get done, and it does. But they don’t allow their kids to get to know them as people. I’m not talking about being friends with them when they’re kids, but with connecting with their kids on a personal level. As people get older, there isn’t much to talk about and especially if a child marries and the spouse is close to their family, moves far away, etc., things can drift off. And if the parent again doesn’t initiate or take steps to make those connections, it can just be a distant relationship.

I’m not saying it’s the parents’ fault. I’m just saying that if the kids don’t feel that emotionally connected to begin with, it’s becomes easier for them to not do as much as one could.

PP, I think you are exactly right. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, as I am struggling through the teenage years with my kids, who have become complete strangers, practically locked into their rooms and only coming out to eat or when they need us to drive them somewhere. It truly frightens me, and I am having a hard time building the bridges back up, and I am especially stressed because we have so little time left with them (they are 15 and 13). I worry about this becoming our permanent state of being if I don't figure out how to fix it within the next year or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t do much for my MIL when she died. She wasn’t abusive or a bad mother or grandmother at all. I don’t think she had a personality disorder. It seemed to me that she spent her whole life just trying not to be in the way. She didn’t initiate plans, and if she had something else going on when we initiated or it was too difficult to get together, then she would just apologize and say that she couldn’t make it rather than trying to get something to work.

When she died, her husband organized her burial, and DH and his brother put together a little memorial service and calling hours. They said a few words, but no one else really did. My kids had only met her a few times. She wasn’t religious at all, so there wasn’t a sermon.

I’m sure that her friends saw her as a very sweet person, and she was. She just had a small impact.

Maybe she just didn’t care for you and the kids very much?

Yes. Your last line hurt me and I wasn't even there. Small impact? I don't think of anyone that way.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it as hurtful, but I did use those words on purpose. It was eye opening for me. As I said, she was a sweet person, and she was polite and never bothered anyone. I, myself, and pretty soft spoken and had always thought of her being unobtrusive as a virtue. I had expected that she didn't see us much because she was busy with other things, and that a lot of people would turn up and say what a wonderful person she was. But it turns out that her friends thought they didn't see her much because she was busy off with her grandchildren. In the end, it turns out that if you don't bother anyone, make them a little uncomfortable sometimes, or have them change their plans or their thoughts or their way of doing anything, then you don't make a big impact on anyone.

[Anonymous]

Different people do go into different directions. My father was very close to his parents and very supportive to them in their old age. We were a close family.

My father's younger brother is a perfectly nice man but he married a different type of woman and they were quite religious, much more so than our conventional Mainline Protestantism, and he did drift out of the picture in ways that hurt his parents. I don't think he was being judgmental (no reason for it at all) but that other things became more important to him in his life.

[Anonymous]

Some people just still are controlled by guilt. My mom sucked but I can guarantee I would put on a great show for everyone because I would feel so guilty not to. Not because I loved her because she was amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t do much for my MIL when she died. She wasn’t abusive or a bad mother or grandmother at all. I don’t think she had a personality disorder. It seemed to me that she spent her whole life just trying not to be in the way. She didn’t initiate plans, and if she had something else going on when we initiated or it was too difficult to get together, then she would just apologize and say that she couldn’t make it rather than trying to get something to work.

When she died, her husband organized her burial, and DH and his brother put together a little memorial service and calling hours. They said a few words, but no one else really did. My kids had only met her a few times. She wasn’t religious at all, so there wasn’t a sermon.

I’m sure that her friends saw her as a very sweet person, and she was. She just had a small impact.

Maybe she just didn’t care for you and the kids very much?

Yes. Your last line hurt me and I wasn't even there. Small impact? I don't think of anyone that way.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it as hurtful, but I did use those words on purpose. It was eye opening for me. As I said, she was a sweet person, and she was polite and never bothered anyone. I, myself, and pretty soft spoken and had always thought of her being unobtrusive as a virtue. I had expected that she didn't see us much because she was busy with other things, and that a lot of people would turn up and say what a wonderful person she was. But it turns out that her friends thought they didn't see her much because she was busy off with her grandchildren. In the end, it turns out that if you don't bother anyone, make them a little uncomfortable sometimes, or have them change their plans or their thoughts or their way of doing anything, then you don't make a big impact on anyone.


Np. I think your MIL was in a no win situation. If she had pushed and made you uncomfortable than you would complain about that too. You would say your mil has no boundaries and that she should make her own life. And now she let you live your life you say she had " small impact" maybe she would say the same about you. Did you ever think about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ok, I’ll bite. Beyond when there is abuse, dysfunction etc. I would say that there are some parents who don’t work to build relationships with their kids growing up. They are focused on what needs to get done, and it does. But they don’t allow their kids to get to know them as people. I’m not talking about being friends with them when they’re kids, but with connecting with their kids on a personal level. As people get older, there isn’t much to talk about and especially if a child marries and the spouse is close to their family, moves far away, etc., things can drift off. And if the parent again doesn’t initiate or take steps to make those connections, it can just be a distant relationship.

I’m not saying it’s the parents’ fault. I’m just saying that if the kids don’t feel that emotionally connected to begin with, it’s becomes easier for them to not do as much as one could.


PP, I think you are exactly right. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, as I am struggling through the teenage years with my kids, who have become complete strangers, practically locked into their rooms and only coming out to eat or when they need us to drive them somewhere. It truly frightens me, and I am having a hard time building the bridges back up, and I am especially stressed because we have so little time left with them (they are 15 and 13). I worry about this becoming our permanent state of being if I don't figure out how to fix it within the next year or two.

A wise friend observed to me that parenting doesn't end when a child is 18, it is a lifelong journey. I was a 15 yo teen locked in my room. I loved my parents but didn't have much to say to them. I hated my small town and couldn't wait to leave it. I didn't like my parents' conservative teetotalling religious beliefs and went to college and partied way too much. But starting in young adulthood, I started appreciating my parents for their values and their support of me, especially because they never tried to discourage me from moving to DC, even though I'm sure they would have preferred my living closer. They never nagged me to get married, or to have kids. I was still pretty self-absorbed in my 20s---I was working hard and preferred to vacation with friends---only really coming home 3 or 4 times a year. But over time I grew a lot closer to them. Especially when one parent got cancer---I started calling every morning, just to say "hi" and I visited regularly and was present for most major medical steps in treatment. Now in my 50s, I have one parent left, and I call them daily. My point to this PP is that the relationship my parents had with me at 15 is far, far different than the relationship we grew to have in adulthood.

What they WILL model though, is the relationship you are choosing to have with your own parents. So set a good example and it will come back to you. My father looked after his widowed mother. My mother looked after hers. Even if you have to model appropriate boundary setting (in the event you have a transgressive parent in that regard), you do it within the context of "healthy families are maintained through good treatment of each other, they don't just happen". Your kids are watching, and all is not lost.

[Anonymous]

I wonder what will happen when my parents die. My mom made fun of someone at her church’s funeral for being over the top (from my understanding it was the type of memorial you have when the family actually likes each other and people aren’t repressed) and said she just wants a church service and all the glory to be given to God. Which is good because she’s a covert narcissist and there’s no way I would be able to honestly sing her praises to others.

[Anonymous]

This post title should be “how do some people luck out with great parents”?

I know sometimes excellent parents have kids who are not nice people and/or who have all sorts of issues that cause the family to not be close knit as kids reach adulthood. Relationships are complicated. It’s rarely the case that those on the outside of the family really know what the family dynamics are like or how the parents are as parents.

Most people (neighbors, extended family members, friends, etc) would guess my parents were stable, loving, involved. But my dad is/was a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic and my mom is/was his enabler. To this day I have a strained, tense relationship with them. My parents get angry and upset w me and my siblings for not being more present/attentive as adults. But we all keep strict boundaries with my parents. When they visit, my dad will sometimes start to say some of the same mean things to my kids that he said to me as a kid and I’ll call him out on it. He’ll get upset, my mom will take his side, and my kids will be confused what just happened bc they’re too young to understand it and bc they’re not used to being around someone mean like my dad so they just don’t know how to respond.

My mom loves my kids dearly and desperately wants a closer relationship with them. It’s so hard to deny her that due to my dads behavior but my first duty is to my kids and I won’t allow them to be abused by him the way I was. So my mom essentially has to choose the kids or my dad and sadly she’ll choose my dad every time.

I don’t think anyone other than my spouse and my siblings understand this dynamic. Even my closest friends don’t know what a jerk my dad is. Everyone thinks he’s this smart, witty guy w a dry humor. What he really is is an #%*hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My next door neighbor is seriously mentally ill. Not sure of her diagnosis but growing up next to them for 18+ years, we saw what a completely dysfunctional family the were. Constant yelling, fights, people storming out, 8 year old grandchild coming to our house for help, the son driving out of the driveway with his fiancée hanging on to the hood of the car…you get the picture. Major problems. Yet, for every holiday, birthday, major event, Facebook is full of “spending Mother’s Day with the best mother ever!” pics, “family is everything and mine is the best!”, and variations on the theme. I just don’t get it. We know you. We know you’re nuts. You’re not fooling anyone.

Bottom line - as a PP said, no matter how great the kids seemed giving the eulogy or organizing the funeral, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

Yep

[Anonymous]

Verbal and physical abuse are horrible. But PPs make it seem like that is the only reason this happens. And that’s just not true. Some families are just not that close and they drift apart. I don’t think it’s fully driven by the extreme bad parenting people are talking about. Lots of mediocre parents and kids who don’t put in the effort. They might plan a funeral but they wouldn’t necessarily provide support on a regular basis. I don’t want to generalize but I believe this happens more with males, in my anecdotal experience. My DH has no issues with his family. But if I didn’t call and have the kids call, they would talk twice a month. They don’t share health details or other information so we would never find out they had health issues unless things were already very serious. That’s just their dynamic.

[Anonymous]

It is funny to see this thread today because I realized I don't like my parents as people. We have nothing in common and they are really mean. I actually had flashbacks the other night of my mom beating me when I wouldn't go to bed when my own daughter called down to me because she couldn't sleep. My parents are on their own. They have a pension and my older sister is the executor of their will. I don't want or need that drama for my kids and I am working on breaking the cycle so my children can have healthy relationships. (Yes, I am in therapy)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t do much for my MIL when she died. She wasn’t abusive or a bad mother or grandmother at all. I don’t think she had a personality disorder. It seemed to me that she spent her whole life just trying not to be in the way. She didn’t initiate plans, and if she had something else going on when we initiated or it was too difficult to get together, then she would just apologize and say that she couldn’t make it rather than trying to get something to work.

When she died, her husband organized her burial, and DH and his brother put together a little memorial service and calling hours. They said a few words, but no one else really did. My kids had only met her a few times. She wasn’t religious at all, so there wasn’t a sermon.

I’m sure that her friends saw her as a very sweet person, and she was. She just had a small impact.

Maybe she just didn’t care for you and the kids very much?

Yes. Your last line hurt me and I wasn't even there. Small impact? I don't think of anyone that way.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it as hurtful, but I did use those words on purpose. It was eye opening for me. As I said, she was a sweet person, and she was polite and never bothered anyone. I, myself, and pretty soft spoken and had always thought of her being unobtrusive as a virtue. I had expected that she didn't see us much because she was busy with other things, and that a lot of people would turn up and say what a wonderful person she was. But it turns out that her friends thought they didn't see her much because she was busy off with her grandchildren. In the end, it turns out that if you don't bother anyone, make them a little uncomfortable sometimes, or have them change their plans or their thoughts or their way of doing anything, then you don't make a big impact on anyone.


Np. I think your MIL was in a no win situation. If she had pushed and made you uncomfortable than you would complain about that too. You would say your mil has no boundaries and that she should make her own life. And now she let you live your life you say she had " small impact" maybe she would say the same about you. Did you ever think about that?

Everyone is in a no-win situation.
I’m sure that I would have complained about her if she had pushed to be more involved in our lives. I definitely complain about my own mother and sister, and I know that my kids complain about me. But I would have known her. As it was, I never complained about her.

I think it’s worth taking the risk of being weird or having someone complain about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ok, I’ll bite. Beyond when there is abuse, dysfunction etc. I would say that there are some parents who don’t work to build relationships with their kids growing up. They are focused on what needs to get done, and it does. But they don’t allow their kids to get to know them as people. I’m not talking about being friends with them when they’re kids, but with connecting with their kids on a personal level. As people get older, there isn’t much to talk about and especially if a child marries and the spouse is close to their family, moves far away, etc., things can drift off. And if the parent again doesn’t initiate or take steps to make those connections, it can just be a distant relationship.

I’m not saying it’s the parents’ fault. I’m just saying that if the kids don’t feel that emotionally connected to begin with, it’s becomes easier for them to not do as much as one could.


PP, I think you are exactly right. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, as I am struggling through the teenage years with my kids, who have become complete strangers, practically locked into their rooms and only coming out to eat or when they need us to drive them somewhere. It truly frightens me, and I am having a hard time building the bridges back up, and I am especially stressed because we have so little time left with them (they are 15 and 13). I worry about this becoming our permanent state of being if I don't figure out how to fix it within the next year or two.

A wise friend observed to me that parenting doesn't end when a child is 18, it is a lifelong journey. I was a 15 yo teen locked in my room. I loved my parents but didn't have much to say to them. I hated my small town and couldn't wait to leave it. I didn't like my parents' conservative teetotalling religious beliefs and went to college and partied way too much. But starting in young adulthood, I started appreciating my parents for their values and their support of me, especially because they never tried to discourage me from moving to DC, even though I'm sure they would have preferred my living closer. They never nagged me to get married, or to have kids. I was still pretty self-absorbed in my 20s---I was working hard and preferred to vacation with friends---only really coming home 3 or 4 times a year. But over time I grew a lot closer to them. Especially when one parent got cancer---I started calling every morning, just to say "hi" and I visited regularly and was present for most major medical steps in treatment. Now in my 50s, I have one parent left, and I call them daily. My point to this PP is that the relationship my parents had with me at 15 is far, far different than the relationship we grew to have in adulthood.

What they WILL model though, is the relationship you are choosing to have with your own parents. So set a good example and it will come back to you. My father looked after his widowed mother. My mother looked after hers. Even if you have to model appropriate boundary setting (in the event you have a transgressive parent in that regard), you do it within the context of "healthy families are maintained through good treatment of each other, they don't just happen". Your kids are watching, and all is not lost.

I was with you until your final paragraph. I guess you are missing that sometimes the boundaries with parents who are the subject of this thread need to be very high.

[Anonymous]

I think that the dysfunction within most families is most evident in the parents' end of life scenario. The pathology comes to a head. Siblings act out unhealed wounds, resentments, jealousy, greed, selfishness, revenge. It's not that hard to pull off a nice facade at the funeral. The truth will play out behind the scenes between the siblings.