How do some people luck out with great adult kids and others have kids who abandon them

[Anonymous]

We didn’t do much for my MIL when she died. She wasn’t abusive or a bad mother or grandmother at all. I don’t think she had a personality disorder. It seemed to me that she spent her whole life just trying not to be in the way. She didn’t initiate plans, and if she had something else going on when we initiated or it was too difficult to get together, then she would just apologize and say that she couldn’t make it rather than trying to get something to work.

When she died, her husband organized her burial, and DH and his brother put together a little memorial service and calling hours. They said a few words, but no one else really did. My kids had only met her a few times. She wasn’t religious at all, so there wasn’t a sermon.

I’m sure that her friends saw her as a very sweet person, and she was. She just had a small impact.

[Anonymous]

My mother lives alone and my sister and I rarely visit. I've gotten the side-eye from her neighbors when I do visit, so I know they probably think I'm a bad child.

The thing they probably don't know is that she married a man who sexually abused my sister and me until we left for college. When he died, we didn't even have a service.

She knew about the abuse. She didn't think it was a big deal. So she lives alone and we visit infreqently. There will not be a slideshow at her funeral. There most likely won't be a funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even within the same family, you can see such major differences between siblings which makes me think it can’t be solely how one is raised. I

Agreed, I think people ascribe too much agency to parents. I'm the oldest and I know when my parents get older it will all be on me. Is it because I'm the only daughter? Is it because I'm the only neurotypical one? (I don't think so, at some point being being totally self centered is on you, not ADHD.) My brothers haven't been scarred or mistreated by our parents, I just can't see them going out of their way for anyone.

My kids are still young, but I imagine this is how they will be when they are grown. I love them all to pieces, but there is only one out of four that I can envision coming around all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is a manipulative narcissist. I set boundaries many years ago in order to maintain my emotional health and raise a family. I have a sibling who continues to live as an adult with her because my sibling couldn’t make it on her own.

Family dynamics are more complex than they might appear on the surface.

This is true. My narcissistic mother is very concerned about keeping up appearances in her community. I won't be subjected to her emotional abuse any longer and don't need to impress her friends and neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is a manipulative narcissist. I set boundaries many years ago in order to maintain my emotional health and raise a family. I have a sibling who continues to live as an adult with her because my sibling couldn’t make it on her own.

Family dynamics are more complex than they might appear on the surface.

This is true. My narcissistic mother is very concerned about keeping up appearances in her community. I won't be subjected to her emotional abuse any longer and don't need to impress her friends and neighbors.

Yup. My family of origin (parents and younger sister) was incredibly dysfunctional growing up—parents fought constantly, both used me to meet their own emotional needs, blah blah. Now our parents spend all their time managing my sister’s inability to support herself and her young daughter. I love my parents but they’re very limited. They also kept some things from me (related to my sister’s partner) that could have harmed my children, so I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive them for that.

I have a few coworkers who used to work with my mom years ago, and they rave about how compassionate and dedicated she was. I’m sure she was, professionally, but that doesn’t always translate to home.

[Anonymous]

My parents treat me like crap. They sob to their friends that I am a horrible person and it’s them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares about the slideshow? It’s what happens before you die that matters.

I'm the OP. They were there for their mother as she was ill as well.

I'm from one of these families and will say we are the way we are because of our parents. They modeled caring for others (and each other). They modeled staying together through hard times. They created a healthy family unit of me and my siblings which included knowing how to effectively argue, come to a solution, and then come back together as a family unit without resentment and grudges. They treated all of us equally. They taught us perspective and coping abilities. Stuff wasn't perfect, and we had our issues, but they were just really good people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares about the slideshow? It’s what happens before you die that matters.

Exactly. The slideshow is not for the person who is gone, it's for those staying behind to feel better.

My father passed away this summer. I saw to it that he was well cared for and then comfortable, once cancer overtook him. I spent time at the hospital, brought cookies to the nurses, talked to the doctors, planned the hospice care. But once he was gone, I was too wiped out to do slideshows. It wouldn't do a thing for him anyway, and it was time to take care of me.

[Anonymous]

I think part of this is also circumstances. My aunt and my mom both had health problems at around the same time. My cousins were way more attentive to my aunt than my sister and I were to my mom. But none of my aunt's kids have children at home and only 1 out of 4 had a demanding full-time job. For my mom, my sister and I each have young kids and super demanding jobs. We do what we can and make sure she is well cared for, but we can't just hang out all day at her assisted living place on a random Tuesday or even a random weekend day - there is just too much other stuff going on.

[Anonymous]

I don't think its a matter of luck. I have never met anyone who has walked away from their family without a good reason.

People would say my mother is so nice and warm and loving. If they saw her behind closed doors they would see a different person. Within our family she is divisive. My sister and I can not be in the same room together, aunts and uncles have walked away and have no relationship with our side of the family. That loving family you describe comes from a genuine loving kind heart. You can't fake that one person can really hold the family together or pull it apart.

[Anonymous]

I really don’t want anyone doing anything for me when I die. I mean I’ll be dead so I won’t know. I would want people to move on quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tread very carefully here.

Lots of reasons.
- People aren't always reliable narrators.
- Long slideshows are lovely, but not all families had time/resources/means to document beautiful moments, and not all adults have time/means/ability to make these slideshows.
- People show love in different ways.
- These are really high-SES demonstrations of love: spending money, time, public speaking skills, etc... Love can look different for different families.

Awwww, my kids are too young for this, and I hope for the best with them because I love them so much. But probably because I have some distance here, I totally totally agree with you.

Impossible to know what's really going on in someone's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of it boils down to luck (just like good marriages). Some of the worst parents will produce some of the most amazing, respectful, and polished children and vice-versa with amazing parents producing lousy, entitled, and resentful children.

I agree, it also may be some generic combination where you get that.
My kid was born a certain way and he is just not someone to do a slideshow. Maybe he will stick around if I am lucky but he is pretty aloof by nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares about the slideshow? It’s what happens before you die that matters.

I'm the OP. They were there for their mother as she was ill as well.

I'm from one of these families and will say we are the way we are because of our parents. They modeled caring for others (and each other). They modeled staying together through hard times. They created a healthy family unit of me and my siblings which included knowing how to effectively argue, come to a solution, and then come back together as a family unit without resentment and grudges. They treated all of us equally. They taught us perspective and coping abilities. Stuff wasn't perfect, and we had our issues, but they were just really good people.

Don’t underestimate the power of your genes. I have seen great parents with not so great kids and vice versa and any combination thereof

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t do much for my MIL when she died. She wasn’t abusive or a bad mother or grandmother at all. I don’t think she had a personality disorder. It seemed to me that she spent her whole life just trying not to be in the way. She didn’t initiate plans, and if she had something else going on when we initiated or it was too difficult to get together, then she would just apologize and say that she couldn’t make it rather than trying to get something to work.

When she died, her husband organized her burial, and DH and his brother put together a little memorial service and calling hours. They said a few words, but no one else really did. My kids had only met her a few times. She wasn’t religious at all, so there wasn’t a sermon.

I’m sure that her friends saw her as a very sweet person, and she was. She just had a small impact.

Maybe she just didn’t care for you and the kids very much?