How do some people luck out with great adult kids and others have kids who abandon them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ok, I’ll bite. Beyond when there is abuse, dysfunction etc. I would say that there are some parents who don’t work to build relationships with their kids growing up. They are focused on what needs to get done, and it does. But they don’t allow their kids to get to know them as people. I’m not talking about being friends with them when they’re kids, but with connecting with their kids on a personal level. As people get older, there isn’t much to talk about and especially if a child marries and the spouse is close to their family, moves far away, etc., things can drift off. And if the parent again doesn’t initiate or take steps to make those connections, it can just be a distant relationship.

I’m not saying it’s the parents’ fault. I’m just saying that if the kids don’t feel that emotionally connected to begin with, it’s becomes easier for them to not do as much as one could.


PP, I think you are exactly right. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, as I am struggling through the teenage years with my kids, who have become complete strangers, practically locked into their rooms and only coming out to eat or when they need us to drive them somewhere. It truly frightens me, and I am having a hard time building the bridges back up, and I am especially stressed because we have so little time left with them (they are 15 and 13). I worry about this becoming our permanent state of being if I don't figure out how to fix it within the next year or two.

A wise friend observed to me that parenting doesn't end when a child is 18, it is a lifelong journey. I was a 15 yo teen locked in my room. I loved my parents but didn't have much to say to them. I hated my small town and couldn't wait to leave it. I didn't like my parents' conservative teetotalling religious beliefs and went to college and partied way too much. But starting in young adulthood, I started appreciating my parents for their values and their support of me, especially because they never tried to discourage me from moving to DC, even though I'm sure they would have preferred my living closer. They never nagged me to get married, or to have kids. I was still pretty self-absorbed in my 20s---I was working hard and preferred to vacation with friends---only really coming home 3 or 4 times a year. But over time I grew a lot closer to them. Especially when one parent got cancer---I started calling every morning, just to say "hi" and I visited regularly and was present for most major medical steps in treatment. Now in my 50s, I have one parent left, and I call them daily. My point to this PP is that the relationship my parents had with me at 15 is far, far different than the relationship we grew to have in adulthood.

What they WILL model though, is the relationship you are choosing to have with your own parents. So set a good example and it will come back to you. My father looked after his widowed mother. My mother looked after hers. Even if you have to model appropriate boundary setting (in the event you have a transgressive parent in that regard), you do it within the context of "healthy families are maintained through good treatment of each other, they don't just happen". Your kids are watching, and all is not lost.

I was with you until your final paragraph. I guess you are missing that sometimes the boundaries with parents who are the subject of this thread need to be very high.

I agree with PPP, we teach our kids how to take care of family in need. Even adult kids learn from how we treat our own parents. We will reap what we have sown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ok, I’ll bite. Beyond when there is abuse, dysfunction etc. I would say that there are some parents who don’t work to build relationships with their kids growing up. They are focused on what needs to get done, and it does. But they don’t allow their kids to get to know them as people. I’m not talking about being friends with them when they’re kids, but with connecting with their kids on a personal level. As people get older, there isn’t much to talk about and especially if a child marries and the spouse is close to their family, moves far away, etc., things can drift off. And if the parent again doesn’t initiate or take steps to make those connections, it can just be a distant relationship.

I’m not saying it’s the parents’ fault. I’m just saying that if the kids don’t feel that emotionally connected to begin with, it’s becomes easier for them to not do as much as one could.


PP, I think you are exactly right. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, as I am struggling through the teenage years with my kids, who have become complete strangers, practically locked into their rooms and only coming out to eat or when they need us to drive them somewhere. It truly frightens me, and I am having a hard time building the bridges back up, and I am especially stressed because we have so little time left with them (they are 15 and 13). I worry about this becoming our permanent state of being if I don't figure out how to fix it within the next year or two.

A wise friend observed to me that parenting doesn't end when a child is 18, it is a lifelong journey. I was a 15 yo teen locked in my room. I loved my parents but didn't have much to say to them. I hated my small town and couldn't wait to leave it. I didn't like my parents' conservative teetotalling religious beliefs and went to college and partied way too much. But starting in young adulthood, I started appreciating my parents for their values and their support of me, especially because they never tried to discourage me from moving to DC, even though I'm sure they would have preferred my living closer. They never nagged me to get married, or to have kids. I was still pretty self-absorbed in my 20s---I was working hard and preferred to vacation with friends---only really coming home 3 or 4 times a year. But over time I grew a lot closer to them. Especially when one parent got cancer---I started calling every morning, just to say "hi" and I visited regularly and was present for most major medical steps in treatment. Now in my 50s, I have one parent left, and I call them daily. My point to this PP is that the relationship my parents had with me at 15 is far, far different than the relationship we grew to have in adulthood.

What they WILL model though, is the relationship you are choosing to have with your own parents. So set a good example and it will come back to you. My father looked after his widowed mother. My mother looked after hers. Even if you have to model appropriate boundary setting (in the event you have a transgressive parent in that regard), you do it within the context of "healthy families are maintained through good treatment of each other, they don't just happen". Your kids are watching, and all is not lost.

I was with you until your final paragraph. I guess you are missing that sometimes the boundaries with parents who are the subject of this thread need to be very high.

I agree with PPP, we teach our kids how to take care of family in need. Even adult kids learn from how we treat our own parents. We will reap what we have sown.

DP, but you’re missing it, too. I’m not abusive towards my kids, nor will I tolerate emotional abuse from my parents. I’ll happily explain why I’m not close with my parents when my kids are the appropriate age for that.

[Anonymous]

Raising great adult kids starts when they are little kids and requires parents who set a good example for what relationships are all about. My parents have a wonderful relationship with each other and with us and my siblings and I are best friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post title should be “how do some people luck out with great parents”?

I know sometimes excellent parents have kids who are not nice people and/or who have all sorts of issues that cause the family to not be close knit as kids reach adulthood. Relationships are complicated. It’s rarely the case that those on the outside of the family really know what the family dynamics are like or how the parents are as parents.

Most people (neighbors, extended family members, friends, etc) would guess my parents were stable, loving, involved. But my dad is/was a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic and my mom is/was his enabler. To this day I have a strained, tense relationship with them. My parents get angry and upset w me and my siblings for not being more present/attentive as adults. But we all keep strict boundaries with my parents. When they visit, my dad will sometimes start to say some of the same mean things to my kids that he said to me as a kid and I’ll call him out on it. He’ll get upset, my mom will take his side, and my kids will be confused what just happened bc they’re too young to understand it and bc they’re not used to being around someone mean like my dad so they just don’t know how to respond.

My mom loves my kids dearly and desperately wants a closer relationship with them. It’s so hard to deny her that due to my dads behavior but my first duty is to my kids and I won’t allow them to be abused by him the way I was. So my mom essentially has to choose the kids or my dad and sadly she’ll choose my dad every time.

I don’t think anyone other than my spouse and my siblings understand this dynamic. Even my closest friends don’t know what a jerk my dad is. Everyone thinks he’s this smart, witty guy w a dry humor. What he really is is an #%*hole.

I’m so sorry, PP. In my family, my mom chooses my deeply dysfunctional sister over me and my kids every time. Some of that is to protect my niece (sister’s daughter), but my mom has gone to the point of endangering my kids and that, I will not tolerate. These dynamics can be so painful and so lonely when others don’t realize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:or are otherwise messes or just not great/attentive kids?

I attended a memorial celebration for an old colleague yesterday. Her two adult children pulled off a truly amazing celebration that was personal, classy, both of them spoke articulately and glowingly of their mother, they were so polite and made a point to speak to everyone there, and it was just so impressive. They put together an enormous slideshow of their mother with dozens of personal photos scored to a soundtrack. It was truly amazing. Both of them also have very nice well-mannered young children.

Another close friend was very ill last year and she is a wonderful person but her kids never came around at all. I know it made her feel lonely and she remarked to me, "I bet they won't even know how to bury me" or some such. I always thought this friend was a good mom but maybe not?? I met her later in life when her children were grown.

It just made me wonder what the determinant is here. Is it how you were raised? Luck?

See she told you and you didn’t pay attention

She didn’t say I hope I can do all I can to stay close to them in the coming years or something like that but instead made a woe is me my children suck

She guilt trips her kids, she makes things all about her, and her kids have had enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or are otherwise messes or just not great/attentive kids?

I attended a memorial celebration for an old colleague yesterday. Her two adult children pulled off a truly amazing celebration that was personal, classy, both of them spoke articulately and glowingly of their mother, they were so polite and made a point to speak to everyone there, and it was just so impressive. They put together an enormous slideshow of their mother with dozens of personal photos scored to a soundtrack. It was truly amazing. Both of them also have very nice well-mannered young children.

Another close friend was very ill last year and she is a wonderful person but her kids never came around at all. I know it made her feel lonely and she remarked to me, "I bet they won't even know how to bury me" or some such. I always thought this friend was a good mom but maybe not?? I met her later in life when her children were grown.

It just made me wonder what the determinant is here. Is it how you were raised? Luck?

See she told you and you didn’t pay attention

She didn’t say I hope I can do all I can to stay close to them in the coming years or something like that but instead made a woe is me my children suck

She guilt trips her kids, she makes things all about her, and her kids have had enough

This! Good call PP.

[Anonymous]

My parents were wonderful. They would give up anything for any one of us and treated all 3 of us fairly, no favorites. They cultivated family traditions and we always had such fun at holidays, etc.

Yes, there were fights, siblings bugging each other, etc., but there was great humor about all of it and no doubt our parents loved us unconditionally and were always there.

We all were there with my dad when he was fighting cancer for 1.5 years. The man hated doctors/hospitals, etc. and over that entire time he never spent a night alone in the hospital. We helped my mom get through it. And, during that time, they both kept thinking of us--not themselves. Kept worrying about us.

We had a fantastic childhood because of them.

My husband's father was awful drunk, cheater, nobody but my husband was there at the end. He ended up completely alone. His mother has a very public image as such a wonderful, cheerful woman to the public/outside the family, but she was an awful, selfish mother. Her two kids never came first. My husband basically raised himself. Now in old age she wants to show up like she was mother theresa. It's exactly like the song 'Cats in the Cradle'. When our kids were small, she never made time to see them. My husband would ask for her to visit, offer to visit and even pay for her ticket---but her group of girlfriends always took precedence--or his deadbeat brother who she coddled. Last weekend, she got a ride down and showed up unannounced on a very busy weekend for the family--and then couldn't understand why everyone couldn't drop everything so she could just see her boys (my sons now in HS). She is delusional.

So--with these 2 scenarios you can see why my siblings and I wanted to really celebrate my dad's life and thank him for everything, etc...while in my spouse's case it's difficult to stomach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were wonderful. They would give up anything for any one of us and treated all 3 of us fairly, no favorites. They cultivated family traditions and we always had such fun at holidays, etc.

Yes, there were fights, siblings bugging each other, etc., but there was great humor about all of it and no doubt our parents loved us unconditionally and were always there.

We all were there with my dad when he was fighting cancer for 1.5 years. The man hated doctors/hospitals, etc. and over that entire time he never spent a night alone in the hospital. We helped my mom get through it. And, during that time, they both kept thinking of us--not themselves. Kept worrying about us.

We had a fantastic childhood because of them.

My husband's father was awful drunk, cheater, nobody but my husband was there at the end. He ended up completely alone. His mother has a very public image as such a wonderful, cheerful woman to the public/outside the family, but she was an awful, selfish mother. Her two kids never came first. My husband basically raised himself. Now in old age she wants to show up like she was mother theresa. It's exactly like the song 'Cats in the Cradle'. When our kids were small, she never made time to see them. My husband would ask for her to visit, offer to visit and even pay for her ticket---but her group of girlfriends always took precedence--or his deadbeat brother who she coddled. Last weekend, she got a ride down and showed up unannounced on a very busy weekend for the family--and then couldn't understand why everyone couldn't drop everything so she could just see her boys (my sons now in HS). She is delusional.

So--with these 2 scenarios you can see why my siblings and I wanted to really celebrate my dad's life and thank him for everything, etc...while in my spouse's case it's difficult to stomach.

Another pp mentioned this "They never nagged me to get married, or to have kids." Also, true of my parents they accepted who all of us were and wanted us to live our lives, not for them. As teens/kids, stern when they needed to be but you always felt loved. They were always on the sidelines of our games (or in my dad's case--coached us for years too). As we became adults, the relationship turned more into good friends.

[Anonymous]

"It's going to vary from family to family. I will say that coming from a dysfunctional family with a ton of abuse and neglect, there was a "golden child" dynamic with my older sister that persisted until my parents were in their 70s, and she had a similar attitude to this for a long time -- assumed the rest of us were just self centered and dumping the responsibility for our parents on her. But then she went to therapy (because my parents are a nightmare and being with them so much was causing huge problems for her) and she finally came to terms with the abuse in our family. Now all the siblings work together to make sure my parents have their basic needs taken care of, but none of us are taking on their mental health. They will move into a home soon and we'll visit and make sure the bills get paid. But I think at one point my sister assumed the rest of us were abandoning her to care for our parents on her own, and now she understands that we were simply holding firm boundaries to protect ourselves from further abuse. It was such a relief when she figured this out and now we can be a team."

Thank you for sharing. I'm in a similar dynamic where my golden child sibling has taken primary responsibility for our elderly (and difficult) parents. It was by choice - the rest of us have set boundaries but this sibling has been sucked into feeling guilty. And is upset at us. A few times I've felt guilty, but I need to remember that I'm doing this for my and my family's mental health. I hope that our sibling will figure things out like yours has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is funny to see this thread today because I realized I don't like my parents as people. We have nothing in common and they are really mean. I actually had flashbacks the other night of my mom beating me when I wouldn't go to bed when my own daughter called down to me because she couldn't sleep. My parents are on their own. They have a pension and my older sister is the executor of their will. I don't want or need that drama for my kids and I am working on breaking the cycle so my children can have healthy relationships. (Yes, I am in therapy)

I could have written this. I started having flashbacks to being beaten, spit on, verbal abuse, etc. Yup, good Catholics who all marched into church every Sunday. We all went to good Catholic schools and lived a nightmare at home. I was particularly hated.

I am older now and have awesome grown up kids. I did not start having these flashbacks until my kids were grown. I consulted a psychiatrist and learned this is PTSD and it never goes away. It will always be a part of who you are.

I strongly suggest you look into Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz. I am working with this in therapy and it has been life changing.

Sending you peace.

[Anonymous]

It's like double kick in the face. You grow up with narcissist parents who are awful at home, but beloved among everyone who doesn't know the dar side. Then, you set boundaries and visit less in adulthood and do the generic funeral without showing off and being inauthentic and some naive souls assume you are terrible people for not putting on the show....mom and dad made you put on a show your whole life and you are done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I’ll bite. Beyond when there is abuse, dysfunction etc. I would say that there are some parents who don’t work to build relationships with their kids growing up. They are focused on what needs to get done, and it does. But they don’t allow their kids to get to know them as people. I’m not talking about being friends with them when they’re kids, but with connecting with their kids on a personal level. As people get older, there isn’t much to talk about and especially if a child marries and the spouse is close to their family, moves far away, etc., things can drift off. And if the parent again doesn’t initiate or take steps to make those connections, it can just be a distant relationship.

I’m not saying it’s the parents’ fault. I’m just saying that if the kids don’t feel that emotionally connected to begin with, it’s becomes easier for them to not do as much as one could.

You might be onto something. My child is very different from me because we grew up in different countries and in very different times and just because he has a different personality. I do try hard to find things we are both interested in but the fact is that the older he gets the more he drifts away in terms of what he likes and his character traits. I can’t help but feel distant and he may well drift away as an adult. I don’t think it’s his or my fault but just the luck of the draw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even within the same family, you can see such major differences between siblings which makes me think it can’t be solely how one is raised. I

Why do you assume that siblings in the same household with the same parents were parented/raised the same?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's like double kick in the face. You grow up with narcissist parents who are awful at home, but beloved among everyone who doesn't know the dar side. Then, you set boundaries and visit less in adulthood and do the generic funeral without showing off and being inauthentic and some naive souls assume you are terrible people for not putting on the show....mom and dad made you put on a show your whole life and you are done.

I totally agree with this. My soul cannot tolerate the inauthenticity anymore. I choose not to sin, therefore I choose to stay away.

[Anonymous]

“You reap what you sow.”