How do some people luck out with great adult kids and others have kids who abandon them

[Anonymous]

or are otherwise messes or just not great/attentive kids?

I attended a memorial celebration for an old colleague yesterday. Her two adult children pulled off a truly amazing celebration that was personal, classy, both of them spoke articulately and glowingly of their mother, they were so polite and made a point to speak to everyone there, and it was just so impressive. They put together an enormous slideshow of their mother with dozens of personal photos scored to a soundtrack. It was truly amazing. Both of them also have very nice well-mannered young children.

Another close friend was very ill last year and she is a wonderful person but her kids never came around at all. I know it made her feel lonely and she remarked to me, "I bet they won't even know how to bury me" or some such. I always thought this friend was a good mom but maybe not?? I met her later in life when her children were grown.

It just made me wonder what the determinant is here. Is it how you were raised? Luck?

[Anonymous]

Even within the same family, you can see such major differences between siblings which makes me think it can’t be solely how one is raised. I

[Anonymous]

Sometimes what looks wonderful to outsiders isn't so great from the inside. A lot of people say wonderful things about my mom, but she's secretly insane. They just don't know her well enough to see it and she does a good job masking.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes what seems like not that big a deal when you're someone's friend (like poor dating choices in the past, or bad financial choices, or butting into adult children's lives) can be really damaging to a parent-child relationship. As a friend you might not be aware or might not realize that these personality traits or choices are major problems, because in a friendship they aren't necessarily dealbreakers.

[Anonymous]

My next door neighbor is seriously mentally ill. Not sure of her diagnosis but growing up next to them for 18+ years, we saw what a completely dysfunctional family the were. Constant yelling, fights, people storming out, 8 year old grandchild coming to our house for help, the son driving out of the driveway with his fiancée hanging on to the hood of the car…you get the picture. Major problems. Yet, for every holiday, birthday, major event, Facebook is full of “spending Mother’s Day with the best mother ever!” pics, “family is everything and mine is the best!”, and variations on the theme. I just don’t get it. We know you. We know you’re nuts. You’re not fooling anyone.

Bottom line - as a PP said, no matter how great the kids seemed giving the eulogy or organizing the funeral, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

I would tread very carefully here.

Lots of reasons.
- People aren't always reliable narrators.
- Long slideshows are lovely, but not all families had time/resources/means to document beautiful moments, and not all adults have time/means/ability to make these slideshows.
- People show love in different ways.
- These are really high-SES demonstrations of love: spending money, time, public speaking skills, etc... Love can look different for different families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My next door neighbor is seriously mentally ill. Not sure of her diagnosis but growing up next to them for 18+ years, we saw what a completely dysfunctional family the were. Constant yelling, fights, people storming out, 8 year old grandchild coming to our house for help, the son driving out of the driveway with his fiancée hanging on to the hood of the car…you get the picture. Major problems. Yet, for every holiday, birthday, major event, Facebook is full of “spending Mother’s Day with the best mother ever!” pics, “family is everything and mine is the best!”, and variations on the theme. I just don’t get it. We know you. We know you’re nuts. You’re not fooling anyone.

Bottom line - as a PP said, no matter how great the kids seemed giving the eulogy or organizing the funeral, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

True, although posting some silly Mother's Day fakery is a lot easier than pulling off an authentic and genuine memorial service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My next door neighbor is seriously mentally ill. Not sure of her diagnosis but growing up next to them for 18+ years, we saw what a completely dysfunctional family the were. Constant yelling, fights, people storming out, 8 year old grandchild coming to our house for help, the son driving out of the driveway with his fiancée hanging on to the hood of the car…you get the picture. Major problems. Yet, for every holiday, birthday, major event, Facebook is full of “spending Mother’s Day with the best mother ever!” pics, “family is everything and mine is the best!”, and variations on the theme. I just don’t get it. We know you. We know you’re nuts. You’re not fooling anyone.

Bottom line - as a PP said, no matter how great the kids seemed giving the eulogy or organizing the funeral, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

True, although posting some silly Mother's Day fakery is a lot easier than pulling off an authentic and genuine memorial service.

I absolutely guarantee my neighbors kids would pull off a spectacular memorial service. Complete with the appropriate amount of grief and tears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My next door neighbor is seriously mentally ill. Not sure of her diagnosis but growing up next to them for 18+ years, we saw what a completely dysfunctional family the were. Constant yelling, fights, people storming out, 8 year old grandchild coming to our house for help, the son driving out of the driveway with his fiancée hanging on to the hood of the car…you get the picture. Major problems. Yet, for every holiday, birthday, major event, Facebook is full of “spending Mother’s Day with the best mother ever!” pics, “family is everything and mine is the best!”, and variations on the theme. I just don’t get it. We know you. We know you’re nuts. You’re not fooling anyone.

Bottom line - as a PP said, no matter how great the kids seemed giving the eulogy or organizing the funeral, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

True, although posting some silly Mother's Day fakery is a lot easier than pulling off an authentic and genuine memorial service.

I absolutely guarantee my neighbors kids would pull off a spectacular memorial service. Complete with the appropriate amount of grief and tears.

I guess my point is, not everything is fake just because it's emotional. Sometimes it really is genuine.

[Anonymous]

Hurt people create hurt kids. They in turn lash out and hurt those around them. Some families are in such a perpetual cycle of bullies and bullied. What this amounts to is people hurting each other as a way to feel good about themselves as they never learned to feel good and worthy on their own merit. If a parent was a bully, kids became the same as they are only thought that they are worthy by hurting others. Almost always, it comes to this. Kids abandon such parents bcs parents used them to feel good about themselves. Now, power structures have changed and adult kids are only doing what they grew up with. Hurting parents by abandoning them, so they can feel good. Their kids will do the same to them.
Breaking out of this bullying cycle might be hard.

[Anonymous]

People have narcissistic parents that from the outside people don't see because they are so good at masking it - but trust me, those of us who are children of narcissists know and will not be doing an elaborate slideshow at their memorial. I could see people might be surprised by that, because to them, she is a great person. Little do they know...

[Anonymous]

Who cares about the slideshow? It’s what happens before you die that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares about the slideshow? It’s what happens before you die that matters.

I'm the OP. They were there for their mother as she was ill as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My next door neighbor is seriously mentally ill. Not sure of her diagnosis but growing up next to them for 18+ years, we saw what a completely dysfunctional family the were. Constant yelling, fights, people storming out, 8 year old grandchild coming to our house for help, the son driving out of the driveway with his fiancée hanging on to the hood of the car…you get the picture. Major problems. Yet, for every holiday, birthday, major event, Facebook is full of “spending Mother’s Day with the best mother ever!” pics, “family is everything and mine is the best!”, and variations on the theme. I just don’t get it. We know you. We know you’re nuts. You’re not fooling anyone.

Bottom line - as a PP said, no matter how great the kids seemed giving the eulogy or organizing the funeral, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

True, although posting some silly Mother's Day fakery is a lot easier than pulling off an authentic and genuine memorial service.

I absolutely guarantee my neighbors kids would pull off a spectacular memorial service. Complete with the appropriate amount of grief and tears.

I guess my point is, not everything is fake just because it's emotional. Sometimes it really is genuine.

Sometimes people genuinely do love and care about each other despite dysfunction. They are not mutually exclusive. Given that the kids keep coming around a d bring the next generation makes it sound like there are solid relationships there.

[Anonymous]

I sent my parents on a $18,000 cruise for their 35th wedding anniversary while they were still alive. Your friend's kids are celebrating their mom for the last time after she died. I would hope they'd have nice things to say then.