Reply to How do some people luck out with great adult kids and others have kids who abandon them

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Ok, I’ll bite. Beyond when there is abuse, dysfunction etc. I would say that there are some parents who don’t work to build relationships with their kids growing up. They are focused on what needs to get done, and it does. But they don’t allow their kids to get to know them as people. I’m not talking about being friends with them when they’re kids, but with connecting with their kids on a personal level. As people get older, there isn’t much to talk about and especially if a child marries and the spouse is close to their family, moves far away, etc., things can drift off. And if the parent again doesn’t initiate or take steps to make those connections, it can just be a distant relationship.

I’m not saying it’s the parents’ fault. I’m just saying that if the kids don’t feel that emotionally connected to begin with, it’s becomes easier for them to not do as much as one could. [/quote]

I have noticed that sometimes parents with very authoritarian approaches to parenting really struggle to transition their relationships with their kids once their kids are adults. My parents are like this. I’m in my 40s and my mom still talks to me and treats me like a child sometimes. My dad too. They really struggle to see me as an adult even though I’ve been financially independent since I graduated college, am married, own a house, have a career, and am a parent myself.

A small example: when my parents visit they are often openly critical of our home. My dad will complain it’s too small and ask why we can’t afford a bigger home (our house is plenty big enough for our small family, just right with visitors). My mom will critique my decor and note if she sees dust or other minor things that aren’t perfectly clean.

I have pointed out to them how rude this is. I’ve noted that they would never behave this way at a friend’s house or when visiting other family, including my cousins (so it’s not just an age thing). I’ve pointed out that I would never make these kinds of critiques of their home when we visit, because it is so rude. But they feel entitled to it because I’m their daughter. And they are like this with everything. They cannot see me as an adult or equal, I must always be subordinate. So we will never be close and I rarely enjoy our time together. And it’s on them. [/quote]

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