Reply to How to survive separating in place with a cheater

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]+1 on all the PPs who called his behavior out as abusive. The is classic cheater emotional abuse - they live a double life too, so they want you to live a double life also, pretending to get along with him and that everything is normal, that he still lives you, etc.

[b]Please stop marital therapy.  Get a lawyer STAT who can explain to you about separation, etc.  You and DH can NOT use the same lawyer.  You must accomplish certain things to be separated - tell the spouse (in a documented way) that the marriage is over and you intend to divorce, move into a separate bathroom, tell other people about the impending divorce, establish separate bank accounts, stop doing household tasks for each other, etc.  Visit the lawyer, get a list and make the moves in the house, without his help.

Establish a schedule and “co-parent” in the sense of parallel parenting.  He is using the idea of co-parenting to force you to do stuff with him and keep you on the hook longer. Set up the schedule in the household like you would when you are divorced and make plans to be out of the house and ask him to be out of the house when it is your turn. [/b]

He may, at some point, wake up and smell the coffee with these changes, or he may not.  Whatever happens DO NOT “get back together” without a post-nuptial agreement that details what will happen in a split (physically, financially and custody-wise), including a point that he is obligated to move out at your request.  If he isn’t willing to agree to everything you ask for in a postnup or he thinks the terms of a postnup are “unfair” you really need to go through with the divorce.  It is a substantial risk to you to stay with him post affair (even “just” an EA).

[b]FWIW, OP, you can’t control him. You can’t rationalize with him. But, he also can’t control you. Move on with your life.[/b] [/quote]

+1 to the bolded. OP, it's unlikely that he hasn't slept with this OW despite what he told you. You need to summon all your strength to respect yourself and your child and move on. Stop letting him control you. I really don't see any future with a man this scheming and abusive. Who cares if he wakes up and wants you back. You can do better. I'm so sorry. I know this isn't easy. You'll feel better once you stop loving or wanting him, but you'll never get there living with him while he disrespects you every day. Hugs to you and your kid.[/quote]

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