husband wants to keep baby and I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

I am thinking the same thing. I am pro-choice, but this is a different situation. I think husband should have a choice too. Is there a procedure where the surrogate mother can carry transplanted cells, so husband can have a baby he wants? Of course this will result in divorce and money will be split 50/50; OP might be even paying a support to her husband, ads he will be the one with 1.5 child and she will be with .5 child care.

God save us from anti-science nitwits.

NO THERE IS NO WAY TO RE-IMPLANT a pregnancy into another uterus. FFS. And she would still be a mother to another child, which she clearly doesn’t want. Even if she doesn’t have primary care taking responsibilities, she still would have another child in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I was in a similar but reversed situation. Dh wanted the abortion. I did not. Kept baby and divorced. As a single mom I was afraid of poverty. But I have a job, home, health insurance and food. Couldn’t justify (in my mind) abortion on poverty grounds. Glad I kept my kid and ditched the ex.

She wants the opposite. Not similar at all.

Glad it worked out in your mind for you.

Why the negative response? The impression I get from your response is that a woman MUST have an abortion because it’s her right. So bizarre. From what I’ve read so far, the inflexible pro-choicers are just as crazy as the pro-lifers.

Not at all.

Pro Choice means choice is either way. Totally support whatever decision the female makes.

If for you it is what you want that's great.

What I dislike is the number of posters that seem to think just because they do not understand OP's choice she is wrong. That's what I object to.

I disagree. There are many of us out here who believe safe and legal abortions need to be available but privately recoil at some women who get them for reasons that seem selfish. I find the militant pro-choice people who deny that it is a life that is being ended to be repugnant. It should be a carefully weighed choice. If you believe the mother has a greater right to choose, so be it, but a life is ending. That should be serious business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question of who gets “a say” is pointless. Anyone who finds themselves in OP’s position is going to consult their spouse and consider their feelings. I don’t think anyone is saying that OP’s spouse shouldn’t get to voice his opinion.

The real question is: when husband and wife disagree very strongly, whose vote gets more weight?

It sounds to me as if the spouse would be willing to completely raise the child, and OP would be able to walk away and not have anything to do with the child. If that is the situation, and there is no medical or health issues pertaining to her continuing this pregnancy, then it would be the height of selfishness for her to abort it.

It is not selfish to choose not to bring a child into the world. It would not be possible for OP to have nothing to do with a child that would result from bringing this pregnancy to term...the child would be a siblings to her daughter. So what? Create a child who would spend his life unloved by his mother, sharing a home with a sister who is loved by his mother? No. That’s not an option. If OP knows she does not have the capacity to mother another child, she is doing the responsible thing to end the pregnancy, even if it means the end of her marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question of who gets “a say” is pointless. Anyone who finds themselves in OP’s position is going to consult their spouse and consider their feelings. I don’t think anyone is saying that OP’s spouse shouldn’t get to voice his opinion.

The real question is: when husband and wife disagree very strongly, whose vote gets more weight?

It sounds to me as if the spouse would be willing to completely raise the child, and OP would be able to walk away and not have anything to do with the child. If that is the situation, and there is no medical or health issues pertaining to her continuing this pregnancy, then it would be the height of selfishness for her to abort it.

It is not selfish to choose not to bring a child into the world. It would not be possible for OP to have nothing to do with a child that would result from bringing this pregnancy to term...the child would be a siblings to her daughter. So what? Create a child who would spend his life unloved by his mother, sharing a home with a sister who is loved by his mother? No. That’s not an option. If OP knows she does not have the capacity to mother another child, she is doing the responsible thing to end the pregnancy, even if it means the end of her marriage.

I get it. The child can’t be born because that would be awkward for everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Whatever OP decides is the right choice for her.

Her husband has laid out the consequences of her choice.

Everything is known and out in the open.

Best of luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I also grew up in poverty and I understand the long-lasting anxiety it can create. And specifically because I understand it, I would strongly urge you to talk to a therapist before making a decision. An abortion may ultimately be the right decision for you, but given the deeply unalterable nature of it, it’s worth a few sessions to make sure this is what you truly want rather than your anxiety controlling you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish you all the best, truly I do. But are you actually poor now? If you are talking about inheritance- not daily subsistence - you probably are not. You are letting your fear from your childhood break up your current life. You also seem to be reverting to what you know and are heading towards a typical poverty track - single motherhood. If you have the income between the two of you to both be able to live beyond subsistence as single parents (costs of things will close to double), then you have enough to accommodate one more child as a family unit. If you don’t, you and your DD will be back to where you started. Talk to a therapist and a financial advisor. Invest in term life insurance to cover expenses if something happens, not just squirreling away money.

+1. My mom was a single mom, had me at 21, married and went on to have two more kids and divorced. I wouldn’t advise anyone to stay in a marriage that isn’t working but understand financially there can be a hit divorcing. It’s not only maintaining two households but if your DH ends up starting another family with a new woman that’s even more resources diverted from your daughter. I won’t go into all the details but financially my mom and stepdad are doing terrible with their retirement savings. They took a hit in the divorce having so split their biggest investment, the house, and part of my step-dad’s financial issues relate to getting remarried and then divorced.

Still not a reason.

OP has a lot to think about. Her choice

2nd poster. Where did I say it wasn’t OP’s choice? I’m just pointing out the reason she gave could have additional things to consider. If a married, apparently financially stable friend came to me and said she was thinking about having an abortion because she grew up poor and was worried about not being able to give her existing child financial security and knew this decision would mean a divorce, I would feel compelled to point out she would be splitting the assets in half and couldn’t count on her soon to be ex to not be a financial burden to dd much less to pass on an inheritance. Maybe she already considered that angle and figured her half for one child outweighed having both incomes and one household for two children, but sometimes we are so caught up in an emotional fear, that we can’t see beyond that. I would want someone to let me know if there is something I hadn’t considered if I come to them for counsel and not blow smoke up my a$$. I do realize the person making the decision is the one that has to able to live with their decision and any consequences, not me.

[Anonymous]

Having a baby late in life is actually a rare decision (all located in big rich cities) made by the UMC ,the wealthy, and the poverty class. But DCUM seems to want to make OPs decisions for her based on their own criteria.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s your body.

And her husband's baby and her DD's sibling.

Not enough reason to make her do something with her body that she doesn’t want to do.

Only she's not concerned about her body. Why is everybody saying her body, her choice? This is about her not wanting the responsibility of another child. The one she slipped up and got pregnant with. It's also about her not wanting her daughter to have to split whatever inheritance she's set up to get.

[Anonymous]

OP, curious if you are from the U.S. or foreign? I agree with getting some therapy sessions to talk this through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s your body.

And her husband's baby and her DD's sibling.

Not enough reason to make her do something with her body that she doesn’t want to do.

Only she's not concerned about her body. Why is everybody saying her body, her choice? This is about her not wanting the responsibility of another child. The one she slipped up and got pregnant with. It's also about her not wanting her daughter to have to split whatever inheritance she's set up to get.

Not sure what you do not understand here.

We live in the US where the law is Pro Choice.

It's her choice what ever she chooses to do.

She posted here most likely out of venting and or needing to get some thoughts out.

Whether we agree or disagree with her thought process doesn't matter. What matters is she has to decide for herself. People are posting that because they are trying to have empathy. And she asked for advice. You may not like that choice, but it's totally her choice to make.

Although she posted on an open forum, its none of anyones business but hers what she chooses to do!

Her Body Her Choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of people would give anything to adopt your baby.

She has no obligation to be an incubator for adoption vultures. But more importantly, if there is a born child, the father has rights to it. No one is adopting a baby here. Give up your adoption fantasies.

This and if there plenty of people who would give anything to adopt her baby, why are there so many kids that need to be adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very much pro choice but, honestly, this is not a valid reason for termination.

Then you aren't pro choice. Pro choice means you believe it to be her right and her choice, not "permissible" if you agree with the reason.

Who are you to say what pro choice is? When there are only two categories, pro life or pro choice, there’s going to be a lot of grey in both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pro choice doesn’t mean “if I as a third party agree” pro choice means respect another woman’s decision as it is not yours to make for her.

Pro choice is simply the label given to people who think abortion shouldn’t be illegal. It’s not a promise to never pass judgement or have respect for every instance a woman would chose to abort for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m my view husband lost his rights when he declared have this baby or divorce. Anyone who would say that after waffling back and forth is equally likely to walk when things get tough anyway. He just wants to be baby daddy. Divorce may be in the cards anyway. Her body, her choice.

Perfectly summed up. Thank you.

This. Commenters are acting like this is some nuanced, complicated thing, but it's pretty straightforward. The pregnancy is a distraction, this marriage is either over or toxic and abusive.