Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't the sister ask the coach what the ramifications would be for missing the game up front/essentially ask for son to be excused? I think the son can deal with the fallout. Challenges and frustrating situations are part of life. So are family and celebrations!

HS coaches don't talk to parents in general. The kids are suppose to do all the negotiating for themselves. They are in HS not Kindergarten.

And THAT is the issue. Kids don't have the balls to go in and say they have a family obligation out of town. So they cry to their parents that they will be benched all year and parents think of all the money and effort they have put in themselves, get fearful that could be the reality and give in. Let the kid NOT talk to the coach and go to the tournament instead. The parent takes the fall-out.

So yes, HS kids still need to be treated like K students sometimes. I would follow up with coach via email to make sure my child actually talked to the coach correctly about the situation and everyone was on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't the sister ask the coach what the ramifications would be for missing the game up front/essentially ask for son to be excused? I think the son can deal with the fallout. Challenges and frustrating situations are part of life. So are family and celebrations!

HS coaches don't talk to parents in general. The kids are suppose to do all the negotiating for themselves. They are in HS not Kindergarten.

And THAT is the issue. Kids don't have the balls to go in and say they have a family obligation out of town. So they cry to their parents that they will be benched all year and parents think of all the money and effort they have put in themselves, get fearful that could be the reality and give in. Let the kid NOT talk to the coach and go to the tournament instead. The parent takes the fall-out.

So yes, HS kids still need to be treated like K students sometimes. I would follow up with coach via email to make sure my child actually talked to the coach correctly about the situation and everyone was on the same page.

Easier said than done. HS students need to deal with the coach and deal with the fall out. Sometimes teens make bad decisions and there are consequences but you can't soften the blow every single time. No, HS students never need to be treated like K students. Maybe the parents can coach the HS student on how to talk to a coach but in 4, 3, 2, 1 short year(s) they will be in college. Are you going to call their professor too?

[Anonymous]

My gut is telling me it's the parents who don't want the kid to miss the tournament too.

But that's a huge presumption on my part. No facts shared to say the kid had a strong perspective. If I was the kid I'd be pissed at the mom for not sharing my tournament with the aunt. As a 14-year old, I would have felt left out if I had to miss a small family wedding that my sibling was attending (if I liked and had fun with my family, which I do). I'd be very bummed about the tournament too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't the sister ask the coach what the ramifications would be for missing the game up front/essentially ask for son to be excused? I think the son can deal with the fallout. Challenges and frustrating situations are part of life. So are family and celebrations!

HS coaches don't talk to parents in general. The kids are suppose to do all the negotiating for themselves. They are in HS not Kindergarten.

And THAT is the issue. Kids don't have the balls to go in and say they have a family obligation out of town. So they cry to their parents that they will be benched all year and parents think of all the money and effort they have put in themselves, get fearful that could be the reality and give in. Let the kid NOT talk to the coach and go to the tournament instead. The parent takes the fall-out.

So yes, HS kids still need to be treated like K students sometimes. I would follow up with coach via email to make sure my child actually talked to the coach correctly about the situation and everyone was on the same page.

Easier said than done. HS students need to deal with the coach and deal with the fall out. Sometimes teens make bad decisions and there are consequences but you can't soften the blow every single time. No, HS students never need to be treated like K students. Maybe the parents can coach the HS student on how to talk to a coach but in 4, 3, 2, 1 short year(s) they will be in college. Are you going to call their professor too?

I don't know. Is the professor going to fail the student because the student missed the pretest for a wedding? If so I might.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't the sister ask the coach what the ramifications would be for missing the game up front/essentially ask for son to be excused? I think the son can deal with the fallout. Challenges and frustrating situations are part of life. So are family and celebrations!

HS coaches don't talk to parents in general. The kids are suppose to do all the negotiating for themselves. They are in HS not Kindergarten.

And THAT is the issue. Kids don't have the balls to go in and say they have a family obligation out of town. So they cry to their parents that they will be benched all year and parents think of all the money and effort they have put in themselves, get fearful that could be the reality and give in. Let the kid NOT talk to the coach and go to the tournament instead. The parent takes the fall-out.

So yes, HS kids still need to be treated like K students sometimes. I would follow up with coach via email to make sure my child actually talked to the coach correctly about the situation and everyone was on the same page.

Easier said than done. HS students need to deal with the coach and deal with the fall out. Sometimes teens make bad decisions and there are consequences but you can't soften the blow every single time. No, HS students never need to be treated like K students. Maybe the parents can coach the HS student on how to talk to a coach but in 4, 3, 2, 1 short year(s) they will be in college. Are you going to call their professor too?

I don't know. Is the professor going to fail the student because the student missed the pretest for a wedding? If so I might.

Well if you are going to call a college professor for your child ... you and I will not see eye to eye on much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't the sister ask the coach what the ramifications would be for missing the game up front/essentially ask for son to be excused? I think the son can deal with the fallout. Challenges and frustrating situations are part of life. So are family and celebrations!

HS coaches don't talk to parents in general. The kids are suppose to do all the negotiating for themselves. They are in HS not Kindergarten.

And THAT is the issue. Kids don't have the balls to go in and say they have a family obligation out of town. So they cry to their parents that they will be benched all year and parents think of all the money and effort they have put in themselves, get fearful that could be the reality and give in. Let the kid NOT talk to the coach and go to the tournament instead. The parent takes the fall-out.

So yes, HS kids still need to be treated like K students sometimes. I would follow up with coach via email to make sure my child actually talked to the coach correctly about the situation and everyone was on the same page.

Easier said than done. HS students need to deal with the coach and deal with the fall out. Sometimes teens make bad decisions and there are consequences but you can't soften the blow every single time. No, HS students never need to be treated like K students. Maybe the parents can coach the HS student on how to talk to a coach but in 4, 3, 2, 1 short year(s) they will be in college. Are you going to call their professor too?

I don't know. Is the professor going to fail the student because the student missed the pretest for a wedding? If so I might.

Well if you are going to call a college professor for your child ... you and I will not see eye to eye on much.

I probably wouldn't call, but honestly I would consider encouraging my child switch classes in the future or even colleges to stay away from that professor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't the sister ask the coach what the ramifications would be for missing the game up front/essentially ask for son to be excused? I think the son can deal with the fallout. Challenges and frustrating situations are part of life. So are family and celebrations!

HS coaches don't talk to parents in general. The kids are suppose to do all the negotiating for themselves. They are in HS not Kindergarten.

And THAT is the issue. Kids don't have the balls to go in and say they have a family obligation out of town. So they cry to their parents that they will be benched all year and parents think of all the money and effort they have put in themselves, get fearful that could be the reality and give in. Let the kid NOT talk to the coach and go to the tournament instead. The parent takes the fall-out.

So yes, HS kids still need to be treated like K students sometimes. I would follow up with coach via email to make sure my child actually talked to the coach correctly about the situation and everyone was on the same page.

Easier said than done. HS students need to deal with the coach and deal with the fall out. Sometimes teens make bad decisions and there are consequences but you can't soften the blow every single time. No, HS students never need to be treated like K students. Maybe the parents can coach the HS student on how to talk to a coach but in 4, 3, 2, 1 short year(s) they will be in college. Are you going to call their professor too?

The point is that HS kids rather not talk to a coach so they beg parents to let them miss anything for sports claiming they would be benched for the entire season - and parents really believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it obscures things a bit. But if it was dance or cheerleading or something else, I'm sure it'd be the same, just with less people chiming in because they are less participated in activities. But I have to believe they have lots of the same pressure and costs and issues that are being raised here.

Hey it could be the Dungeons and Dragons team for all I care. Same stuff. Same opinion. Go to the family event.

Different PP. I don't think so. I think the anti-sport people have really twisted this here. I would have the child miss the tournament, but what I find eye-opening on this thread is this viciousness people apparently harbor towards children (children!) who like sports. Have you read some of what people have wrote here? Apparently playing a team sport means you're setting yourself for a life in a cubicle, never participate in civic life, don't think of anybody other than yourselves, are all deluded into a blind belief you (or your child) will get a scholarship, and don't love family. It's unbelievable.

I'm no team sports fanatic either. I didn't play sports in school. But I find the vitriol here really awful and I think the anti-sports people are probably teaching their own kids some lessons that are a lot worse than what OP's sister is teaching her child.

There are many former dorks that have no idea the type of commitment that goes into playing and succeeding at a high level sport. They also view something like a 'violin concert' or 'debate' or 'chess tournament' as superior to a sporting event. I have kids that do both so I KNOW that one is not better than the other--they are just different. They require commitment, practice and sacrifice to succeed.

I have played Division 1 soccer. I also played Varsity soccer as a Freshmen at a local school that won VA State Championship. In the upper years--you were expected to be at games/tournaments. Death in family was just about the only acceptable excuse. BUT--you need to know your family's priorities and sometimes be wiling to take it on the cuff if it is vitally important to your family.

I understood when my sister and her son missed an important event in my life---but came post-game. It's hard to know what it's like to be in somebody else's shoes.

[Anonymous]

When one of my kids was 14, she was penalized for missing one (JV) high school game to come to the hospital when I was having breast lumps removed and worried I had cancer (thankfully I did not). I thought it was shitty of the coach but didn't say a word. It also wasn't something life threatening, I realize..I said it was ok for her to go to the game but she decided to come for the surgery instead. She wasn't kicked off the team but wasn't allowed to play a game or two and was chewed out for missing one.single.game. She did later go on to college with a full athletic scholarship for her sport.
Anyway, yeah it sucks he may miss the wedding but just let it go and don't worry about it OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having read OP's sanctimonious passive aggressive update, I'm now on Team Sister, though I wasn't before. Holy cow.

+100

Ok, though I've been on team "nephew", I also thought the earlier posts by the OP were sensible. Given this when I read the "smack me upside the head" comment I assumed she meant that the smack was deserved because her older, more experienced self would realize how unaware her 40 year old self had been about the complications and grey areas that come with child-rearing. I hope I'm correct?

I am the post who wrote the 'holy cow' post above and no, I don't think that's at all what she meant, which is why I'm on Team Sister now. I thought that her update started over-the-top dramatic and bridezilla in tone to begin with, which surprised me because I hadn't gotten that vibe earlier (but now I'm wondering if I was wrong and my new fellow Team Sister folks are just better at spotting bridezillas in the wild than me). Then the whole "smack me upside the head" business with her mother, wtf? She's going around talking shit about how awful her sister is to her mom and then brags and jokes about that? What? Team Sister all the way now.

And generally speaking, I'd make my kid go to a family wedding except if it was like the World Cup tryouts or playing Carnegie Hall or something and I was on Team OP, but now I wonder if there's a lot more going on than what OP said, because, like I said, that update? Was a piece. of. work.

I'll retract and go back to Team OP if it turns out OP meant what you said. But I don't think she did.

np here. I think you reeeeeally misunderstood the update.

I don't think so. I think the people who say that she's just ranting her anonymously misunderstood the update. She's clearly not just ranting here anonymously. By her own admission, she's talking with other family members about how terrible her sister's choices are and how much better hers are and will be. That's not just anonymous ranting; that's turned into being nasty in her own family. It's terrible, spoiled behavior.

Look, sometimes people don't go to weddings for reasons other than the choice you might personally make. It happens. In my family, wedding would trump child sports, but going around talking about how awful other people are about making other choices would definitely not be okay. That's unkind behavior no matter what the circumstances. OP's update makes it clear to me that the people who spotted her as a Bridezilla early on were right. Talking unkindly about her sister to family member -- and worse, by implication, doing the same about her her nephew/niece -- is a self-centered and crappy thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it obscures things a bit. But if it was dance or cheerleading or something else, I'm sure it'd be the same, just with less people chiming in because they are less participated in activities. But I have to believe they have lots of the same pressure and costs and issues that are being raised here.

Hey it could be the Dungeons and Dragons team for all I care. Same stuff. Same opinion. Go to the family event.

Different PP. I don't think so. I think the anti-sport people have really twisted this here. I would have the child miss the tournament, but what I find eye-opening on this thread is this viciousness people apparently harbor towards children (children!) who like sports. Have you read some of what people have wrote here? Apparently playing a team sport means you're setting yourself for a life in a cubicle, never participate in civic life, don't think of anybody other than yourselves, are all deluded into a blind belief you (or your child) will get a scholarship, and don't love family. It's unbelievable.

I'm no team sports fanatic either. I didn't play sports in school. But I find the vitriol here really awful and I think the anti-sports people are probably teaching their own kids some lessons that are a lot worse than what OP's sister is teaching her child.

There are many former dorks that have no idea the type of commitment that goes into playing and succeeding at a high level sport. They also view something like a 'violin concert' or 'debate' or 'chess tournament' as superior to a sporting event. I have kids that do both so I KNOW that one is not better than the other--they are just different. They require commitment, practice and sacrifice to succeed.

I have played Division 1 soccer. I also played Varsity soccer as a Freshmen at a local school that won VA State Championship. In the upper years--you were expected to be at games/tournaments. Death in family was just about the only acceptable excuse. BUT--you need to know your family's priorities and sometimes be wiling to take it on the cuff if it is vitally important to your family.

I understood when my sister and her son missed an important event in my life---but came post-game. It's hard to know what it's like to be in somebody else's shoes.

"There are many former dorks" Don't you think you could have gotten your message across without this derogatory name calling? On the contrary, I think "former dorks" might realize that a high level sporting event is very important especially if it's a team commitment, just not so important to not do anything else in life year after year. Again, there are MANY "important sporting events" in a year for these athletes. A coach who doesn't understand that family might trump one of them, doesn't have the right values. I believe OP's son was talking about a pre-season tournament. Does that even factor into the final win/loss of a team over a season?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't the sister ask the coach what the ramifications would be for missing the game up front/essentially ask for son to be excused? I think the son can deal with the fallout. Challenges and frustrating situations are part of life. So are family and celebrations!

hahahahaha. then you get the ramifications regardless of what your kid does.

irrelevant to the choice at hand, but I want to point out that this is not a good strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people who love me missed my wedding.

I was gracious and said, only nice things to them about it. Life went on and it just didn't matter.

Thanks! This is how mature people feel about it.

What if your sister missed your wedding because she had a work Xmas party or your mom missed because she volunteers every weekend at her church. Give me a break. Not what pages OP's responses are on (they all start "OP here") but she never said she didn't say only nice things about it to the sister or nephew. This is an anonymous online vent. Or actually she said she was checking her thinking with us.

Really? That's your analogy? Do you really think my mom would do something like that if it weren't typical of who she was, for better or worse (and what if her volunteering was a very large soup kitchen, and her backup was sick -- I'd be fine. I'd still be married. or what if she was being selfish and this was typical -- then I'd be angry about her being a selfish person and probably be glad she baled.) Again, it is just a wedding. I'd be a lot more upset if she came to my wedding and then was awful to my spouse thereafter. That is the part that really matters.

[Anonymous]

Attention Helicopter Parents. Do not become Drone parents by suggesting calling coaches in high school or college professors are a good idea. At some point, your little snowflake will be an adult. Let them become adults without your overbearing behavior.

/rant

[Anonymous]

Even Joe Flacco declined an invite to the pro bowl so he could be with is very pregnant wife in case she gave birth. Some other football players would not have made that same choice - the player could have said to himself: i've worked so hard for this; it will affect my future and bring in more money for my family; the pro bowl is 1 day and what are the odds my wife would give birth that day; even if she did go into labor that day, i could jump on a jet and get to the hospital in time; being there to support the baby for his whole life is more important than being there on the day he is born which he wouldn't even remember; and so on. But Joe Flacco had a different view and put his family first. I suspect they have a strong marriage.