If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
When BFing, many (not all, but many) women suffer from a drop in libido--it's hormonal. But in the long term, yes, the sex drive returns within reason.

But, it likely won't for OP's wife because they were having problems before the 4 month old.

If I recall correctly, things ramped up when they were trying to conceive. Which reminds me of another piece of my resentment toward DW when we went through similar issues -- recalling that, when she wanted to have our number 2, she had absolutely no problem making an effort for sex. When she thought it was important, she made an effort.[/quote]

LD wife here. That is me. Totally. Guilty.

[Anonymous]

+1000, Fellow Sexless Wife. LDers, Think of it this way. Do you love your brother or sister in the same way you love DH or DW? When the sexual aspect diminishes DH or DW becomes like a sibling.

You have no idea what you're talking about.

[Anonymous]

i stopped wanting sex because he sucked at sex. i might as well masturbate.

[Anonymous]

Hey the4re -I am a high desire DW who is divorcing her DH who only wanted sex maybe three times a year - and rejected my advances - FWIW I'm 5'7, 120 poiunds, in good shape -- and not like I bloated out after 2 kids - after years it took a toll on marriage, and I figured DH might be gay, and time for a divorce..... People may say "it's just sex" and can't you live without it but in my experience this is an integral part of marriage....

No, if I had known DH would be LD, I would not have married him........

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1000, Fellow Sexless Wife. LDers, Think of it this way. Do you love your brother or sister in the same way you love DH or DW? When the sexual aspect diminishes DH or DW becomes like a sibling.

You have no idea what you're talking about.


+100,000. Comletely agree, fellow sexless wife here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. DW here, and I have 3 kids under 4. The amount of excuses being made for the wife here blows me away. I get that having young kids is so exhausting. I have a 3.5 year old, a 2 year old and a 7 month old. I totally understand. But sometimes, ladies, you have to "take one for the team." Are there times I would rather go to sleep? Sure. But it's important enough to me that my husband is satisfied (after all, he goes out of his way to "satisfy" me in other, non sexual ways) that I am perfectly fine with going for it even if I'm not in the mood sometimes. You know what always happens? I GET in the mood. I have fun. And we have an incredible, hot, sex life. Even with 3 little kids. Sex is important to men. That's how it is, and there's nothing wrong with it.

Totally agree ... But my problem is that it is very difficult for me to unwind enough to get in the mood right now on a regular basis ... It is not that I don't have desire, but I am just too stressed and tired to really feel it, you know? And my sleep really is on such a thin margin that missing an hour actually could have serious repercussions.

So make it a quickie. Dh has a higher sex drive, though I don't consider myself LD. We probably average 2x per week, depending on work and travel schedules. Nothing gets my husband hotter than when I initiate. Sometimes it's late, I'm tired, haven't shaved, could list excuse after excuse. Times like that, I really have to force myself to initiate, and I never regret it, especially if it's been a few days. I know the positions (and toys) that can speed up the process for me and after 10+ years together, I know how to get him off quickly. 10-15 minutes and we're both happy and sated. He's thrilled that I've surprised him with sex and I'm love that I can get him turned on so quickly after 2 kids and nearly 10 years of marriage. Sometimes a quick fuck is all it takes. Sure, foreplay and romance are wonderful, as is taking care of needs outside of the bedroom, but, IMHO sex should be a priority.

[Anonymous]

Another DW here. His situation is the main reason men have extra-marital affairs. A marriage needs intimacy and having small children, hectic job, etc., are acceptable for either spouse to deny the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, have you thought about getting a vasectomy? My cousin did that (they had 2 kids already) and without any worries about more kids, DW was more willing to hit the hay.

This. One of my friends just got pregnant with her third while on an IUD and let me tell you, she is NOT thrilled about it. I wish my DH would just get a vasectomy. We'd probably be doing it a lot more frequently if he did.

[Anonymous]

What works for my DH and I is we ask the other "want to go to bed early tonight?" It takes that nightly will-we-or-wont-we pressure off. Most nights he asks I'm all for it, take a long shower, go to bed early and get it on. Some times we're just not in the mood.

Oh and btw I had ZERO interest in sex when the children were young - I just wanted a couple of hours at night to HAVE MY OWN SPACE. now that they are 5 and 7 and aren't clinging to me I'm more interested.

Good luck and keep trying to find a way to make it work without moping. Ther is nothing more un-sexy then moping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What works for my DH and I is we ask the other "want to go to bed early tonight?" It takes that nightly will-we-or-wont-we pressure off. Most nights he asks I'm all for it, take a long shower, go to bed early and get it on. Some times we're just not in the mood.

Oh and btw I had ZERO interest in sex when the children were young - I just wanted a couple of hours at night to HAVE MY OWN SPACE. now that they are 5 and 7 and aren't clinging to me I'm more interested.

Good luck and keep trying to find a way to make it work without moping. Ther is nothing more un-sexy then moping.

Yeah, pretty clear on who decides whether to withhold or not.

[Anonymous]

HD wife here has decided to take a different approach. Have informed DH that I will not initiate or bring up the issue for next year. It's a chance to get rid of a negative dynamic and totally remove pressure.

This does not limit my options in the future but at least we'll have a year of not arguing about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What works for my DH and I is we ask the other "want to go to bed early tonight?" It takes that nightly will-we-or-wont-we pressure off. Most nights he asks I'm all for it, take a long shower, go to bed early and get it on. Some times we're just not in the mood.

Oh and btw I had ZERO interest in sex when the children were young - I just wanted a couple of hours at night to HAVE MY OWN SPACE. now that they are 5 and 7 and aren't clinging to me I'm more interested.

Good luck and keep trying to find a way to make it work without moping. Ther is nothing more un-sexy then moping.

Yeah, pretty clear on who decides whether to withhold or not.

Yes, he does probably 75% of the initiating but I have initiated and been told he's just not in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HD wife here has decided to take a different approach. Have informed DH that I will not initiate or bring up the issue for next year. It's a chance to get rid of a negative dynamic and totally remove pressure.

This does not limit my options in the future but at least we'll have a year of not arguing about this.

Another HD wife here. Did same thing. Had slightly less sex with DH, but had more extramarital sex to make up for it. Eh.

[Anonymous]

Very interesting thread and some great discussion. One thing that strikes me is that LD folks are incredibly defensive. I will assume it's out of guilt.

I've been HD/LD at different times in my 10 year marriage (together for 20). The idea that it takes 4-6 months to "recover" from childbirth is very strange to me. While your desire might not come roaring back full forth, the idea that women find sex painful and undesirable for that long of a period is a cop-out.

OP, I will tell you some of the main things that caused my desire to have sex *with my husband* dwindle. This lack of desire with my husband did not mean a lot in desire, overall. I still was horny, but usually masturbated and/or said to hell with it and went to bed. My problems were any of the following:

-I'm sleepy. I LOVE to sleep and I'm a total night owl. Will easily stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning. DH, on the other hand, gets up early for work, so he goes to bed earlier than me. BUT, this means he wakes up "perky" and wants to have sex while I'm operating on less sleep because I stayed up so late. No deal for me. Being woken from a dead sleep is a libido killer for me. That is 95% of the problem when our sex drive stars don't align.

-I get turned off by certain things. Bad breath is a major turn off for me. This usually ties into my first point. If DH wakes up in the morning (or in the middle of the night), chances are his breath isn't too great. That is a total turn-off for me and if I'm not inclined to have sex, it makes it much more likely that I will beg off. Luckily, we have the sort of relationship where we can talk about these things and I've expressed this point to him. Now, he wakes me up with fresh breath and I'm more receptive.

-Like another poster, sometimes I force myself to do it. And in forcing myself, I *get* into it. With me, having sex increases my desire for more sex. If I fall into a rut, it's easy to get stuck and my desire plummets. This doesn't mean I don't get horny. I do; but it's easier for me to just shrug it off.

-For a time, DH was "quick" during sex and I didn't enjoy it as much. That added to my resentment. Sort of a "You woke me/bothered me for *that*?". It's hard to get excited about the possibility of having lackluster and/or quick sex. Seriously, I'd rather be sleeping. While it might be hard, it may be necessary for you to evaluate your skill as a lover. Hopefully, you and your wife have the sort of relationship where you can discuss this openly and without anyone being hurt or feeling defensive.

That's all I got for now. Hopefully, by now you've had some good sex. If you continue to find yourself in a rut and your wife is not receptive to your need for change, I think you should consider seeing a therapist together. I think it's important for you to realize that this is not a hang-up that you need to get over. Sex is hugely important in a marriage and the absence of this intimacy can really cause big problems. Good luck to you and your wife.

[Anonymous]

I hope you get some during the holiday season, OP.