If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

[Anonymous]

You'd probably have gotten more sympathy and perhaps a few numbers if you'd posted in the explicit forum.

I'm the low sex spouse. Having children wreaks havoc with your hormonal system. My libido completely disappeared almost as soon as I conceived and didn't return until I stopped breastfeeding. Even though it's back, its not what it once was. DH and I have a somewhat satisfying -for him- sex life now. I admit that if I went months without sex, I wouldn't be bothered. Young children are super stressful, add to that if she's gone back to work (or in my case school), add to that if you have sn (we do).... All this does not make for a randy girl. Add to that if I'm upset with DH. Being intimate is the last thing I want to do with someone I'm pissed off at. You're wife is probably no different.

You should try to find a way to tell your wife how unhappy you are, in the least painful way possible. You might also think about couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK everyone calm down. DW here. I think a lot of women downplay how important meeting your partner's sexual needs actually is. Somehow that is the first thing that women write off when they're tired, busy, not interested.

While I agree that OP should probably not approach his wife the way he stated (lest he wants to get punched in the face) I think he has a valid complaint. He shouldn't be expected to live like this any more than she should expect him NOT to help out with everything in the house.

Sure, but from what he's saying, she's also the new parent of two little kids. Biologically, her sex drive is not at it's highest. There are just not the huge volume of people having tons of sex with two little kids that he's imagining. I would counsel some patience, enjoy all the things about her that he loves, engage in the amount of masturbation that makes him happy, and wait until they both have the breathing room to address whatever issues remain when they don't have an infant in the house.

I'm really not trying to be difficult, but unmet sexual needs can be a real source of frustration. I'm a woman who had a marriage like this (I wanted much more) and it can affect everything in your marriage. Even with an infant, you can put out more than once a month if it makes the person you married and love happy.

[Anonymous]

This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

[Anonymous]

OP, Sexless wife here. Oh, I feel you. We do it 6-8 times per year and have done it less some years. I too feel that marrying someone LD was a mistake but I will never say so to DH because I know that would be devastating for him. We too have had "the talk" and written communication and I have had counselin. The basics will not change. If you plan to get sexual satisfaction in other ways I think you owe it to your wife to tell her about it.

BTW -- Those who are not HD spouses yoked to LD spouses, please shut up. I wanted sex during and immediately after three pregnancies, whether I worked or SAHed, breastfed or not. I want sex at least 300 days out of every year. Drive is not about what's going on in your life; it's about how sex makes you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Again, please shut up. You clearly have not experienced repeated sexual rejection by your spouse.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

+1. This is really good advice. And you have no idea about the reality of what you imagine is other couple's sex lives and marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You'd probably have gotten more sympathy and perhaps a few numbers if you'd posted in the explicit forum.

I'm the low sex spouse. Having children wreaks havoc with your hormonal system. My libido completely disappeared almost as soon as I conceived and didn't return until I stopped breastfeeding. Even though it's back, its not what it once was. DH and I have a somewhat satisfying -for him- sex life now. I admit that if I went months without sex, I wouldn't be bothered. Young children are super stressful, add to that if she's gone back to work (or in my case school), add to that if you have sn (we do).... All this does not make for a randy girl. Add to that if I'm upset with DH. Being intimate is the last thing I want to do with someone I'm pissed off at. You're wife is probably no different.

You should try to find a way to tell your wife how unhappy you are, in the least painful way possible. You might also think about couples counseling.

Counseling just gives the non-putter-outer psychological cover. That person is selfish and foolish. How could refusal to meet a spouse's basic needs not affect the marriage negatively? If you hate DH just woman up and tell him so instead of trying to make him feel like a horny monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^BTW, I hope your DW discovers that you feel this way and divorces YOUR ass. Is there nothing else about your wife that you love?

NP here: He deserves to have his needs met too, and shame on you for suggesting otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Jesus Christ, can we stop with this bromide?

Why do you automatically assume he's not "pulling his weight" around the house or with the kids?

[Anonymous]

I suspect all the "sex doesn't matter and OP should just suck it up" would be angry, ANGRY at the idea of OP having a cyber-affair or a physical affair on the side.

If wives want to be the complete package for their husbands, the default go-to for social outings, etc., then they need to be the complete package. And that, like it or not, includes sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Sexless wife here. Oh, I feel you. We do it 6-8 times per year and have done it less some years. I too feel that marrying someone LD was a mistake but I will never say so to DH because I know that would be devastating for him. We too have had "the talk" and written communication and I have had counselin. The basics will not change. If you plan to get sexual satisfaction in other ways I think you owe it to your wife to tell her about it.

BTW -- Those who are not HD spouses yoked to LD spouses, please shut up. I wanted sex during and immediately after three pregnancies, whether I worked or SAHed, breastfed or not. I want sex at least 300 days out of every year. Drive is not about what's going on in your life; it's about how sex makes you feel.

OP here. Wow. Thanks for sharing. Sorry about the situation you have too. You're gettiing even less than I am. I am glad to know that not just men feel this way but also HD women who are rejected constantly by their LD spouse. I could have sex 5 times a week too. Sometimes I wish DW would give me a taste of my own medicine and give it to me 5 times a week until I cry "uncle!" hahahhaa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, can you wait it out and honor your spouse? Do you have ANY CLUE how having children affects a woman's sex drive? This happens to many, many women. We are more than vaginas, you know. Read up and you will know that for many women their sex drive comes back in their 40's once they are no longer caring for small children.

You sound like a total ass.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

All I ca tell you, as an exhausted wife who misses her sex life and feels rejected by her husband (while he is busy moping over the lack of sex himself) is that you have to find the right times to initiate. Make an effort to give her a break, to give her adult time that isn't all about the family. I feel like I've lost myself since I'm on family duty ALL the time--and that makes it really hard for me to feel sexy and confident which is what drives me to initiate sex. Hire a babysitter and go out--not with the expectation of sex, just to maintain a connection that is outside of your kids. Go to bed at the same time as her--I can guarantee sex isn't happening when my husband stays up 2 hours later than me and sleeps in on weekend mornings.

This stuff all sounds kind of obvious, but I can tell you it's what I wish my husband had done, and what I wish I had realized I needed earlier. We've hit a really low point in our marriage that I'm not sure we're going to survive because of this kind of disconnect. Sex is just one aspect of it, but it's a really clear symptom of that larger divide.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, have you thought about getting a vasectomy? My cousin did that (they had 2 kids already) and without any worries about more kids, DW was more willing to hit the hay.