Reply to If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

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Reply to "If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you."

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[quote=Anonymous]Very interesting thread and some great discussion. One thing that strikes me is that LD folks are incredibly defensive. I will assume it's out of guilt.

I've been HD/LD at different times in my 10 year marriage (together for 20). The idea that it takes 4-6 months to "recover" from childbirth is very strange to me. While your desire might not come roaring back full forth, the idea that women find sex painful and undesirable for that long of a period is a cop-out.

OP, I will tell you some of the main things that caused my desire to have sex *with my husband* dwindle. This lack of desire with my husband did not mean a lot in desire, overall. I still was horny, but usually masturbated and/or said to hell with it and went to bed. My problems were any of the following:

-I'm sleepy. I LOVE to sleep and I'm a total night owl. Will easily stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning. DH, on the other hand, gets up early for work, so he goes to bed earlier than me. BUT, this means he wakes up "perky" and wants to have sex while I'm operating on less sleep because I stayed up so late. No deal for me. Being woken from a dead sleep is a libido killer for me. That is 95% of the problem when our sex drive stars don't align.

-I get turned off by certain things. Bad breath is a major turn off for me. This usually ties into my first point. If DH wakes up in the morning (or in the middle of the night), chances are his breath isn't too great. That is a total turn-off for me and if I'm not inclined to have sex, it makes it much more likely that I will beg off. Luckily, we have the sort of relationship where we can talk about these things and I've expressed this point to him. Now, he wakes me up with fresh breath and I'm more receptive.

-Like another poster, sometimes I force myself to do it. And in forcing myself, I *get* into it. With me, having sex increases my desire for more sex. If I fall into a rut, it's easy to get stuck and my desire plummets. This doesn't mean I don't get horny. I do; but it's easier for me to just shrug it off.

-For a time, DH was "quick" during sex and I didn't enjoy it as much. That added to my resentment. Sort of a "You woke me/bothered me for *that*?". It's hard to get excited about the possibility of having lackluster and/or quick sex. Seriously, I'd rather be sleeping. While it might be hard, it may be necessary for you to evaluate your skill as a lover. Hopefully, you and your wife have the sort of relationship where you can discuss this openly and without anyone being hurt or feeling defensive.

That's all I got for now. Hopefully, by now you've had some good sex.  :wink:  If you continue to find yourself in a rut and your wife is not receptive to your need for change, I think you should consider seeing a therapist together. I think it's important for you to realize that this is not a hang-up that you need to get over. Sex is hugely important in a marriage and the absence of this intimacy can really cause big problems. Good luck to you and your wife. [/quote]

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