If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

[Anonymous]

"I really can't imagine being willing to put my marriage in jeopardy because I couldn't just "suck it up" and have sex for 20 minutes a couple times a week."

20 minutes???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But, so often (not always, but often), I think the perception that the HD spouse isn't helpful around the house is more of an excuse for lack of sex instead of the reason. The lack of attraction comes first; the rationalizations come after. If I do the dishes and the laundry is that extra time really going to make her hot and bothered? Really? No. Not usually - maybe in those cases where exhaustion is so complete, and due to absolutely indispensable activities that cannot be avoided. Otherwise, I think low attraction causes the LD spouse to drop the marital sex life behind a bunch of other priorities that aren't mission critical. And, if the HD spouse takes care of some of those priorities, new ones will inevitably fill the void.

I agree with this 100% and many of these posts don't want to touch it. Lack of or diminished attraction is HUGE. It's the unfortunate but inevitable part of any long term relationship. DH is attractive, sure, fit, tall, nice teeth and all of that but my physical desire for him is not nearly as strong as it was during our first years of courtship. Butterflies have long disappeared, familiarity will do that to you. Even without kids or exhaustion, I still won't be clamoring the walls to get to his penis. And I'm sure he feels the same about me, if not for testosterone.

Since we can't admit this to each other because it will create hurt feelings, we look for excuses upon excuses to not have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But, so often (not always, but often), I think the perception that the HD spouse isn't helpful around the house is more of an excuse for lack of sex instead of the reason. The lack of attraction comes first; the rationalizations come after. If I do the dishes and the laundry is that extra time really going to make her hot and bothered? Really? No. Not usually - maybe in those cases where exhaustion is so complete, and due to absolutely indispensable activities that cannot be avoided. Otherwise, I think low attraction causes the LD spouse to drop the marital sex life behind a bunch of other priorities that aren't mission critical. And, if the HD spouse takes care of some of those priorities, new ones will inevitably fill the void.

I agree with this 100% and many of these posts don't want to touch it. Lack of or diminished attraction is HUGE. It's the unfortunate but inevitable part of any long term relationship. DH is attractive, sure, fit, tall, nice teeth and all of that but my physical desire for him is not nearly as strong as it was during our first years of courtship. Butterflies have long disappeared, familiarity will do that to you. Even without kids or exhaustion, I still won't be clamoring the walls to get to his penis. And I'm sure he feels the same about me, if not for testosterone.

Since we can't admit this to each other because it will create hurt feelings, we look for excuses upon excuses to not have sex.

I agree with this 100% and many of these posts don't want to touch it. Lack of or diminished attraction is HUGE. It's the unfortunate but inevitable part of any long term relationship. DH is attractive, sure, fit, tall, nice teeth and all of that but my physical desire for him is not nearly as strong as it was during our first years of courtship. Butterflies have long disappeared, familiarity will do that to you. Even without kids or exhaustion, I still won't be clamoring the walls to get to his penis. And I'm sure he feels the same about me, if not for testosterone.

Since we can't admit this to each other because it will create hurt feelings, we look for excuses upon excuses to not have sex.

[Anonymous]

I agree that attraction, lust, and butterflies pretty reliably fade with familiarity. One problem, however, is the notion that feelings of lust are a necessary precursor to enjoyable sex. If you otherwise love your spouse, I think you can enjoy sex more if you make an effort -- read some smutty novels earlier in the day; think of ways to be creative in the bedroom; try to concentrate more on your sexuality generally.

Spontaneous lust might not make you jump your spouse's bones, but I think a lot of times if you go into the act with the general notion that sex is fun - then sex will more likely be fun. (And, if you can think of ways that your spouse can help you with this attitude, tell him or her.)

[Anonymous]

Funny how it is the women saying "just suck it up and do it," whereas the men still want us to really want it. Any men say "just fake it"? The key here seems to be that men don't really know the difference. Or can't bear to admit it to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny how it is the women saying "just suck it up and do it," whereas the men still want us to really want it. Any men say "just fake it"? The key here seems to be that men don't really know the difference. Or can't bear to admit it to themselves.

No, the key seems to be effort or lack thereof. If you're laying there like a passive-aggressive cum rag, we know you aren't enjoying it and you don't give a shit who knows it. Sex isn't even serving as a display of affection. If you're faking it, at the very least, you are still care enough to do that. (And, for a number of LD spouses, artificial enthusiasm often turns into the real thing as responsive desire kicks in.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny how it is the women saying "just suck it up and do it," whereas the men still want us to really want it. Any men say "just fake it"? The key here seems to be that men don't really know the difference. Or can't bear to admit it to themselves.

No, the key seems to be effort or lack thereof. If you're laying there like a passive-aggressive cum rag, we know you aren't enjoying it and you don't give a shit who knows it. Sex isn't even serving as a display of affection. If you're faking it, at the very least, you are still care enough to do that. (And, for a number of LD spouses, artificial enthusiasm often turns into the real thing as responsive desire kicks in.)

For me, I play the session like a movie in my head. I will admit that in the moment, I'm not thinking about DH touching me and how hot it is. I'm thinking about some hot piece of ass in my office or on the metro that I saw earlier in the day/week/whatever. Or that I'm one of Don Draper's women and his hands are all over me and vice versa. I step into my alter ego and imagine I'm DH's ultimate fantasy and he finds me, in the moment, absolutely irresistible. With thoughts like that, 20 minutes goes by fast and I end up doing things that surprise both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny how it is the women saying "just suck it up and do it," whereas the men still want us to really want it. Any men say "just fake it"? The key here seems to be that men don't really know the difference. Or can't bear to admit it to themselves.

No, the key seems to be effort or lack thereof. If you're laying there like a passive-aggressive cum rag, we know you aren't enjoying it and you don't give a shit who knows it. Sex isn't even serving as a display of affection. If you're faking it, at the very least, you are still care enough to do that. (And, for a number of LD spouses, artificial enthusiasm often turns into the real thing as responsive desire kicks in.)

For me, I play the session like a movie in my head. I will admit that in the moment, I'm not thinking about DH touching me and how hot it is. I'm thinking about some hot piece of ass in my office or on the metro that I saw earlier in the day/week/whatever. Or that I'm one of Don Draper's women and his hands are all over me and vice versa. I step into my alter ego and imagine I'm DH's ultimate fantasy and he finds me, in the moment, absolutely irresistible. With thoughts like that, 20 minutes goes by fast and I end up doing things that surprise both of us.

As a husband, I would have absolutely no problem if this was an approach my wife was taking. Besides, I'd be lying if I said that visions of her sister never crept into my head during the act.

[Anonymous]

For all the women on this thread who keep posting about not being into sex because of breast feeding. - OPs problem has nothing to do with this. His wife was LD a year or more about her first baby. The issue is not medical and not has it got anything to do with breast feeding. An FYI I did not breast feed, I did not have a medical reason not to want sex and my child is 3 and I still have low drive. But in my opinion there should be LESS excuses and more effort. I too am tired, work, take care of child and home us have low drive. But I understand that while I want my man to show me love and understanding he wants sex. So we both give each other what we need even if we don't feel like it. It's called a marriage and love!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all the women on this thread who keep posting about not being into sex because of breast feeding. - OPs problem has nothing to do with this. His wife was LD a year or more about her first baby. The issue is not medical and not has it got anything to do with breast feeding. An FYI I did not breast feed, I did not have a medical reason not to want sex and my child is 3 and I still have low drive. But in my opinion there should be LESS excuses and more effort. I too am tired, work, take care of child and home us have low drive. But I understand that while I want my man to show me love and understanding he wants sex. So we both give each other what we need even if we don't feel like it. It's called a marriage and love!

Bravo! A woman who believes in cultivating her marriage instead of just sitting back and waiting for affection to just happen. I hope you get your spontaneous desire back, but regardless, good on you for making an effort.

[Anonymous]

Lots of folks in previous posts have expressed the same ... Maybe we can let this overly long-winded and acrimonious thread die?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I really can't imagine being willing to put my marriage in jeopardy because I couldn't just "suck it up" and have sex for 20 minutes a couple times a week."

20 minutes???

Too long or too short - why all the ????

[Anonymous]

20 minutes is pretty decent for a work night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

At 4mos out from childbirth, I was just coming off a period of crying in my PJs with leaking breasts, wacky hormones, and roughed-up lady parts. Hell, my son didn't even latch and BF until he was 2 mos old, and he woke every hour or two all night long for months.

OP, you need a reality check. I'm sorry, but this is life with little kids. Not many couples are getting it on 5x a week during this time period.

Actually, I would be happy with 1-2 times a week. Even I know 5 times a week is impossible (for us anyway)

Jesus, OP, I was prepared to be somewhat sympathetic, but you've revealed yourself to be either utterly clueless or a true asshole. At four months out, many women find sex very painful. Can I repeat that - PAINFUL. As in rips and episiomotomies and healing of scars. Most couples I know, even the most HD, were not having any sex for the first 2 months, and then fairly limited sex until 4 or even 6 mos depending on DW's physical condition. I can't believe your response to this "reality check" is to say you'd be OK with 2 times a week. I realize you are no doubt reacting to perhaps a sexless spell before DC #2 came along, but, Jesus, listen to yourself... Seriously, you are part of the problem here.

She could do other things (even mechanized things) to keep him happy. It shouldn't be such a chore and would show she is interested in his very basic needs, which really doesn't have to be all that complex or take all that much time.

As a single mom of 1 DC, I have to say this is one reason why I was glad to be single the first few years of DC's life. Many men don't help out a lot with house/childcare, and I could not see having enough energy to work, take of house, myself, DC and satisfy the biodad's needs.

I haven't read the entire thread, but I'm thinking OP is probably a bit narcissistic and unable to relate to how tough this time is for his wife, and doesn't truly appreciate his family/children.

And I say this as someone who is HD -- life happens, and other things become a priority at certain stages/times in life. If OP is happy about everything else in the marriage (which I believe he indicated fairly early in the thread) but puts such a priority on the sex aspect of the relationship that he can say that he wouldn't have married his wife due to infrequent sex, then the relationship and his family are not what he cares about. He cares only about himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

At 4mos out from childbirth, I was just coming off a period of crying in my PJs with leaking breasts, wacky hormones, and roughed-up lady parts. Hell, my son didn't even latch and BF until he was 2 mos old, and he woke every hour or two all night long for months.

OP, you need a reality check. I'm sorry, but this is life with little kids. Not many couples are getting it on 5x a week during this time period.

Actually, I would be happy with 1-2 times a week. Even I know 5 times a week is impossible (for us anyway)

Jesus, OP, I was prepared to be somewhat sympathetic, but you've revealed yourself to be either utterly clueless or a true asshole. At four months out, many women find sex very painful. Can I repeat that - PAINFUL. As in rips and episiomotomies and healing of scars. Most couples I know, even the most HD, were not having any sex for the first 2 months, and then fairly limited sex until 4 or even 6 mos depending on DW's physical condition. I can't believe your response to this "reality check" is to say you'd be OK with 2 times a week. I realize you are no doubt reacting to perhaps a sexless spell before DC #2 came along, but, Jesus, listen to yourself... Seriously, you are part of the problem here.

She could do other things (even mechanized things) to keep him happy. It shouldn't be such a chore and would show she is interested in his very basic needs, which really doesn't have to be all that complex or take all that much time.

As a single mom of 1 DC, I have to say this is one reason why I was glad to be single the first few years of DC's life. Many men don't help out a lot with house/childcare, and I could not see having enough energy to work, take of house, myself, DC and satisfy the biodad's needs.

I haven't read the entire thread, but I'm thinking OP is probably a bit narcissistic and unable to relate to how tough this time is for his wife, and doesn't truly appreciate his family/children.

And I say this as someone who is HD -- life happens, and other things become a priority at certain stages/times in life. If OP is happy about everything else in the marriage (which I believe he indicated fairly early in the thread) but puts such a priority on the sex aspect of the relationship that he can say that he wouldn't have married his wife due to infrequent sex, then the relationship and his family are not what he cares about. He cares only about himself.

Yup, you definiely didn't read the entire thread.