If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

[Anonymous]

OP, as a HD person married to a HD person, I am actually going through a LD phase due to caring for young children. Before kids came along, I was insatiable, as was (and is) DH. Unfortunately, due to difficult childbirth, the exhaustion of caring for small kids, and just the additional cares and worries that pile on top of you once you have kids in general, I entered into a LD phase about 3 years ago when DD was born. HOWEVER, my LD phase is not an excuse to not meet the needs of our marriage (note how I didn't say DH's needs, it's more than that to me). IMO, men need the sex to feel close to their spouse. This is very important to a marriage, and a sustainable partnership. Unfortunately, women need to feel close to want to have sex. My feelings: if you are in a sexless marriage, something is off with how your wife is perceiving you. Even people who are satisfied with 1x a month (like several friends, male and female, of mine), recognize that it is an important part of their marriage, and do more.

You sound very resentful and unhappy (not surprising), and a tad unsympathetic (this is what you need to work on). If you had a talk with your DW and nothing *really* changed, you need to revisit or get in therapy with her ASAP. This is so very important to your marriage, and I think you are well within your rights to bring up counseling with DW. That being said, if you had the talk and then DW had a baby, it is unlikely that things were going to change right at that point. The height of my LD phase was the 6 months after my kids were born. DH understood that, and while we still had sex more frequently than it sounds like you are doing, there WILL be a lull. I still think counseling is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

9:34 here. You sound a lot like my DH. I think it was easy for him to write off our second child because "he wants you." Of course it's a matter of getting used to Daddy caring for you, and because DH shied away from it, #2 didn't want DH. It became a vicious circle. You need to pitch in more to lighten her load. You should also carve out some *us time* with your wife. Do you have family or friends that can help with the children? Can you afford a sitter? Take her out on a regular date night. Take over kid duties on the weekend and send her out for some pampering. Starting to feel more like myself and less like a walking milk machine/diaper changer helped immensely. Make her feel appreciated.

If you are already pulling your weight around the house, go out of your way to tell her how much you appreciate her. Hearing that your needed and wanted goes a long way when you're stressed out and exhausted beyond all reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who married in the Catholic Church and thus did its pre-Cana program with her then-fiancé. One of the exercises was to write something down that you would change about your spouse-to-be, then crumple up the piece of paper because it will not be in your power to change another person.

Hers said "I wish John didn't drink so much."

They divorced after he was relieved of his Fed job after drinking and driving in his "company" car.

That is really a great idea. (The exercise. Not the DUI.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

At 4mos out from childbirth, I was just coming off a period of crying in my PJs with leaking breasts, wacky hormones, and roughed-up lady parts. Hell, my son didn't even latch and BF until he was 2 mos old, and he woke every hour or two all night long for months.

OP, you need a reality check. I'm sorry, but this is life with little kids. Not many couples are getting it on 5x a week during this time period.

[Anonymous]

OP I think there are lot of people who would marry someone with a sex drive closer to their own. It would be hard to do. Many women use sex to get the man to get the babies, then they check out.

[Anonymous]

Sexless Wife again. The following is good advice, PP, but I'm betting OP has already done that and much more. DH used to attribute his not being in the mood to different things -- hectic at work, tired after trip, anxious about finances, pregnancy turn off, not enough sleep. It took years for me to figure out that there is no right answer. He is LD. Just as work, kids, and stress do not make us HDs want less sex, doing extra chores or making more couple time or lack of financial worry or putting on candles and sexy lingerie do not make LDs want it more.

I think many HDs become frustrated because others try to make them believe they are the cause of the problem.

[Anonymous]

OP - Be sure to tell her soon. Happy Holidays!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

At 4mos out from childbirth, I was just coming off a period of crying in my PJs with leaking breasts, wacky hormones, and roughed-up lady parts. Hell, my son didn't even latch and BF until he was 2 mos old, and he woke every hour or two all night long for months.

OP, you need a reality check. I'm sorry, but this is life with little kids. Not many couples are getting it on 5x a week during this time period.

Actually, I would be happy with 1-2 times a week. Even I know 5 times a week is impossible (for us anyway)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

At 4mos out from childbirth, I was just coming off a period of crying in my PJs with leaking breasts, wacky hormones, and roughed-up lady parts. Hell, my son didn't even latch and BF until he was 2 mos old, and he woke every hour or two all night long for months.

OP, you need a reality check. I'm sorry, but this is life with little kids. Not many couples are getting it on 5x a week during this time period.

Actually, I would be happy with 1-2 times a week. Even I know 5 times a week is impossible (for us anyway)

I still think you need a reality check.

What else do you value about your wife?

[Anonymous]

The "do more shit to make her life easier" solution can probably work sometimes. But the only thing it guarantees is making her life easier. Frequently that just means she'll fill up more time by doing things other than having sex with you.

If the problem is that she's LD and not that she's simply gassed every moment of every day, being nurturing, caring, available, and dependable isn't going to make her all tingly for you.

Read a few romance novels and try to be more like the heroes in those books -- wealthy and ripped seems to be a good start.

[Anonymous]

Cut the guy some slack. Lack of action in a committed marriage can be a form of torture. I can feel your pain brother, though fortunately not in your boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sexless Wife again. The following is good advice, PP, but I'm betting OP has already done that and much more. DH used to attribute his not being in the mood to different things -- hectic at work, tired after trip, anxious about finances, pregnancy turn off, not enough sleep. It took years for me to figure out that there is no right answer. He is LD. Just as work, kids, and stress do not make us HDs want less sex, doing extra chores or making more couple time or lack of financial worry or putting on candles and sexy lingerie do not make LDs want it more.

I think many HDs become frustrated because others try to make them believe they are the cause of the problem.

So sad but so true. Did you know DH was LD before getting married? I know what marriage advice I'll give if ever asked to, it'll be to make sure you're equally yoked sexually.

So do you just suck it up and go on being unfufilled? Are you in a similar situation that everything else in the marriage (life, kids,work, etc) is good except the sex part?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

At 4mos out from childbirth, I was just coming off a period of crying in my PJs with leaking breasts, wacky hormones, and roughed-up lady parts. Hell, my son didn't even latch and BF until he was 2 mos old, and he woke every hour or two all night long for months.

OP, you need a reality check. I'm sorry, but this is life with little kids. Not many couples are getting it on 5x a week during this time period.

Actually, I would be happy with 1-2 times a week. Even I know 5 times a week is impossible (for us anyway)

I still think you need a reality check.

What else do you value about your wife?

I am happy with everyting else in the marriage, except the frequency of sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "do more shit to make her life easier" solution can probably work sometimes. But the only thing it guarantees is making her life easier. Frequently that just means she'll fill up more time by doing things other than having sex with you.

If the problem is that she's LD and not that she's simply gassed every moment of every day, being nurturing, caring, available, and dependable isn't going to make her all tingly for you.

Read a few romance novels and try to be more like the heroes in those books -- wealthy and ripped seems to be a good start.

DOH! 0 for 2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexless Wife again. The following is good advice, PP, but I'm betting OP has already done that and much more. DH used to attribute his not being in the mood to different things -- hectic at work, tired after trip, anxious about finances, pregnancy turn off, not enough sleep. It took years for me to figure out that there is no right answer. He is LD. Just as work, kids, and stress do not make us HDs want less sex, doing extra chores or making more couple time or lack of financial worry or putting on candles and sexy lingerie do not make LDs want it more.

I think many HDs become frustrated because others try to make them believe they are the cause of the problem.

So sad but so true. Did you know DH was LD before getting married? I know what marriage advice I'll give if ever asked to, it'll be to make sure you're equally yoked sexually.

So do you just suck it up and go on being unfufilled? Are you in a similar situation that everything else in the marriage (life, kids,work, etc) is good except the sex part?

I read the sexless threads and a person could go crazy trying to do all the things suggested. I did not know DH was LD before we got married. He faked it like a (insert choice word). I feel obligated to suck it up for my kids because DH is a great father, an amazing father, and I really love him for that. Yeah, it is hard to feel the sensuality and life lust oozing out of me every day but I have no choice.