How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Oh my, add me to the list of women who has an aspie husband. Emotionally cold, rigid thinking, gets stuck on thoughts and repeats them over and over in arguments, punitive, socially awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

No one is asking anyone to change who he is, unless your point is that how we treat other people intrinsically reflects who we are (which admittedly is a compelling argument as applied to people over the age of 25). It's one thing not to understand the logic behind social conventions. It's something else entirely when the people about whom you supposedly care the most tell you straight-forwardly that it would mean a lot to them if you would do x, y, and z and you can't be arsed to do x, y and z unless you're doing it performatively for other people, including random strangers dining across the room at a public restaurant.

Is it exhausting for ASD people to mask? For many of them, yes, which is why it's totally reasonable for them to have time to unwind on their own for 30 min. to an hour when they come home from work and for them to have a few hours to themselves on weekends. But the foundations of healthy relationships are conscious reciprocity and negotiated compromise. Completely ignoring your spouse, kids, friends, extended family, etc. and not giving a f--k about who they are and how they feel mean that you are not relationship material--as a partner, parent, friend, sibling, child, relative--and frankly, the reasons why are kind of irrelevant. So for all of the ASD apologists out there, I'm just going to say that if your argument is that this is how people with ASD are and everyone else has to accept it, then my response is that they don't deserve the investment of a relationship. That said, OP, are you sure that your spouse is on the spectrum and not a Cluster B covert NPD a-hole?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

You chose to have children with someone like this. Why?

[Anonymous]

To answer the original question…….YOU DON’T! You move the heck on! For your sanity’s sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op - many many many many (many more than know it) have 'elements' of asd. It's not a hard and fast 'line' that someone is suddenly a full blown 'autist' oftentimes. Many humans have to work on cognitive flexibility, perspective taking and executive function. Truly if you think about it; those are the tenets of much of couples therapy. So I would sort of take the autism out of it (it's so so so common now). what specific challenges are you experiencing? the fact that he is not defensive or overly emotional is huge.

Wrong.

Talk Theory and couples therapy does not work with nor for someone on the spectrum.

They need their neuropysch diagnoses and then targeted therapy with a psychologist who specializes in high functioning autism adults and their NT/AS “relationships.”

DBT is often prescribed and an excellent one year program for HFA individuals to learn better life habits and communication habits. It gets past the masking. Again, with the Dx and telling them ahead of time the patient is ASD, in need of special communications, steps and accountability.

Talk therapy was disastrous for my DH after his HFA diagnosis. I begged him to do DBT based on reasons like those described here but he insisted on therapy with some random person his primary care doctor recommended. She had no experience with adult HFA diagnoses and somehow led him to a place where he believed that the multi-day neuropsych testing and diagnosis he had received from a premier practice was not real and that I had forced it on him.

I found out later about the acronym DARVO and DH definitely deployed it during his therapy sessions in an extremely effective manner. Therapy can be pretty disastrous if someone isn't trained in helping intelligent HFA patients with decades of maladaptive coping mechanisms under their belt.

Amen to all of the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

No one is asking anyone to change who he is, unless your point is that how we treat other people intrinsically reflects who we are (which admittedly is a compelling argument as applied to people over the age of 25). It's one thing not to understand the logic behind social conventions. It's something else entirely when the people about whom you supposedly care the most tell you straight-forwardly that it would mean a lot to them if you would do x, y, and z and you can't be arsed to do x, y and z unless you're doing it performatively for other people, including random strangers dining across the room at a public restaurant.

Is it exhausting for ASD people to mask? For many of them, yes, which is why it's totally reasonable for them to have time to unwind on their own for 30 min. to an hour when they come home from work and for them to have a few hours to themselves on weekends. But the foundations of healthy relationships are conscious reciprocity and negotiated compromise. Completely ignoring your spouse, kids, friends, extended family, etc. and not giving a f--k about who they are and how they feel mean that you are not relationship material--as a partner, parent, friend, sibling, child, relative--and frankly, the reasons why are kind of irrelevant.

So for all of the ASD apologists out there, I'm just going to say that if your argument is that this is how people with ASD are and everyone else has to accept it, then my response is that they don't deserve the investment of a relationship.

That said, OP, are you sure that your spouse is on the spectrum and not a Cluster B covert NPD a-hole?

Spot on.

Great final question too.

From 2013-2015 upon arrival of child 1 I wondered if my aspie spouse was passive aggressive, a narcissistic, a misogynist, hated me, adhd, or all of the above.
Then he really fell off the ledge with child 2 and checked out of home life entirely, hiding behind office work. Yet putting on an instant, yet fake, show for others.

He got tested and diagnosed when he couldn’t remember basic convos or decisions we had to make together. Yet never together, he actively avoids making any decisions outside of work.

Then we were told to read about autism and get treatment. He shows up, nods, agrees to some baby steps- month 1: greet family members each morning, month 2: read your personal emails and respond once a week on Thursdays, month 3: spend 10 minutes of 1:1 time a week with each child/ no screens.

He’d agree and then do none of those. He thinks he’s just fine. Yet blows his too many mornings and rages when asked a question or told a reminder. Yet needs so many reminders and help to function as a semi-adult.

So we’re all back to assuming he’s a full blown mentally ill narcissist and misogynist.

He’s unmasked for my parents - we spent over the 3 day limit with them on vacations and during covid vacation house, yelled at them, broken things and flat out lied and hit shards of glass, denied saying things he said 2 minutes earlier (this is so frightening for me, the kids, them to see and hear) who are very concerned he’s a psychopath.

And definitely not marriage material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer the original question…….YOU DON’T! You move the heck on! For your sanity’s sake.

This is THE bottom line.

They relegated themselves to the sidelines of life. Leave them there. Create your boundaries. Don’t bail them out. Don’t let them parentify the kids, especially daughters. Get therapy for the kids and yourself how to cope, set boundaries, and never rely on the ASD parent or spouse for anything. Set up with will and POA accordingly. They will never advocate for you or the children, they will freeze and be overwhelmed and continue to loathe talking or interacting with actual people. Unless about their safe space, lecturing about work or school matter.

They don’t mean what they say, and they rarely do what they say.




Divorce when t strong and ready.

[Anonymous]

Their brain and wiring never fully developed; they can’t connection with fully developed brains.

Leave them alone to their one obsession, hopefully they make some income off of it to pay for a cook, maid, mom, planner, shopper, doctor, dentist, nanny, driver, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the Mom of an Aspie, I have a lot of questions. How long did you date your ASD spouse before you married? How is it possible that you didn’t see the signs while dating? Maybe you did, but chose to ignore? I think it’s impossible for a person to “mask” so much that their spouse wouldn’t know until years after marriage.

I don’t think ASD should be blamed for your relationship problems because it’s always been a part of his personality. What changed your perception of his personality? Did you think you could fix or change his quirks?

Hi, 1st time here. Ive been married over 30 years. My niece who with autism children was the one who told me my husband, her uncle has aspergers and hes on the spectrum. No i didnt know. I thought he was a narcissit, a gas lighter, control freak, etc... for years.

I thought he wpuld change, grow up, mature and trear me like i treated him. I waitwd years for that change. Praying, guiding him. Everything always turned into a fight, with his rage. I did all the work at home with 3 boys and my husband and i worked full time and more.

Will i ever be loved the way i deserve, no. Am I happy with him, NO. Do i love him, yes. But he is not the victim, he is happy as long as everything goes his way. I am the victim. And because he is on the spectrum, it is not a free pass to be an ass, lazy, rude, mean, with me, or our kids.

He is a good provider, but thats not all required in a healthy marriage. The fact that i have to constantly teach him the same thing over and over again and again for years is frustrating to say the least, because he loves to argue about everything, he is a know it all, and has millions of excuses when i ask him why he did this or that. So along with all that we are sexless.

Please if your son is not able to make a woman happy, do not allow him to marry. His wife will eventually resent him and possibly hate him. The depression, anxiety, panic attacks and bad health is all true for me from this marriage.

True.

Not parent material.

Not really marriage material either.

+2. Agreed. It is highly genetic. Look at the communication (lack of) in the ASD spouse's parents and family - that will explain so much.

[Anonymous]

Masking works. But it’s shallow, superficial and repeats (same question again, same topic again, not responding to actual topic, defects via bad jokes, lack of knowledge or approach to new topic or incident, no common sense).

Look out for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Masking works. But it’s shallow, superficial and repeats (same question again, same topic again, not responding to actual topic, defects via bad jokes, lack of knowledge or approach to new topic or incident, no common sense).

Look out for it.

I remember going to my in laws and wondering why every after holiday table discussion was of the same thing. Just reliving the same 10 memories over and over as if trying to hold onto them. My extendes family sometimes got obnoxious with this with inside jokes that after awhile got boring but it was never the main part od the conversation. Every time his family got together it was the same conversation topic over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s actually not true that people on the autism spectrum cannot emotionally connect with other people. In my family there are people on the spectrum, some extremely so, and in my experience they can have quite intense emotions, and a lot of empathy, but they simply don’t express it in the ways that we are familiar with. So for example if a person doesn’t ask anything about your life, you might interpret that as them not caring about you. But they may feel that if you want to tell them something you simply will do so and do not understand the importance of asking or the extra emotional message that asking sends. If you’ve been married for 25 years, I have to suspect that your spouse feels a strong attachment to you and probably would feel greatly distressed to think that you were feeling emotionally neglected. You might have to give a very specific feedback about things that you want done that are meaningful to you that would not necessarily occur to the other person. And in this way it’s very similar to every marriage. Or at least every marriage I’ve ever heard from, we’re both parties have to work to understand each other and to figure out each other’s needs and how to meet them given their limited capacities in various ways.

Interesting! I often wonder if my late husband had Asperger's. I asked him why he never asked me about my day and he said that he assumed if I wanted him to know something I would just tell him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s actually not true that people on the autism spectrum cannot emotionally connect with other people. In my family there are people on the spectrum, some extremely so, and in my experience they can have quite intense emotions, and a lot of empathy, but they simply don’t express it in the ways that we are familiar with. So for example if a person doesn’t ask anything about your life, you might interpret that as them not caring about you. But they may feel that if you want to tell them something you simply will do so and do not understand the importance of asking or the extra emotional message that asking sends. If you’ve been married for 25 years, I have to suspect that your spouse feels a strong attachment to you and probably would feel greatly distressed to think that you were feeling emotionally neglected. You might have to give a very specific feedback about things that you want done that are meaningful to you that would not necessarily occur to the other person. And in this way it’s very similar to every marriage. Or at least every marriage I’ve ever heard from, we’re both parties have to work to understand each other and to figure out each other’s needs and how to meet them given their limited capacities in various ways.

Interesting! I often wonder if my late husband had Asperger's. I asked him why he never asked me about my day and he said that he assumed if I wanted him to know something I would just tell him!

And guess what happens when you do tell them!?

Nothing. Silence. Walks away.

[Anonymous]

I'm a bit the same, so somehow it works. We are not diagnosed and we are not the same, but we get each other.

Also, we both prioritize being kind and generous to each other and our kids. Tantrums are not a thing. We have some communication differences and occasionally disagreements. But we can both be very reasonable as long as we pay attention to prioritizing doing that. We treat each other with respect, and try to be very calm and fair when pointing out that the other person is not.

We do connect emotionally because we are on the right wavelength. But most of all, we prioritize treating each other well.

[Anonymous]

My asd spouse has a very demanding job and demanding clients so it’s bad. I found that if we take a cruise and he has limited connectivity he’s considerably less stressed and angry at others’ normal requests. Still limited conversation skills but at least not lashing out.

I think it’s important to keep life simple and routine for them. New things, places, demands can created overwhelm and chaos. And land at your feet to fix.