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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie. 
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage. :([/quote]

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not.  I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband.  I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent.  a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits.  He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours,  he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest.  If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort.  It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, [b]that he needs to change who he is[/b], and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself.  I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends.  This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.[/quote]

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post. 
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, [b]he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himsel[/b]f.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but [b]he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do tha[/b]t. 
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children. 
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. [b]He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers[/b]. 
I do enjoy his company on outings. [b]He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing[/b]. 
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty. 
And it's Valentine's day :(
[b]He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses)[/b] and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them. [/quote]

No one is asking anyone to change who he is, unless your point is that how we treat other people intrinsically reflects who we are (which admittedly is a compelling argument as applied to people over the age of 25). It's one thing not to understand the logic behind social conventions. It's something else entirely when the people about whom you supposedly care the most tell you straight-forwardly that it would mean a lot to them if you would do x, y, and z and you can't be arsed to do x, y and z unless you're doing it performatively for other people, including random strangers dining across the room at a public restaurant.

Is it exhausting for ASD people to mask? For many of them, yes, which is why it's totally reasonable for them to have time to unwind on their own for 30 min. to an hour when they come home from work and for them to have a few hours to themselves on weekends. But [b]the foundations of healthy relationships are conscious reciprocity and negotiated compromise. Completely ignoring your spouse, kids, friends, extended family, etc. and not giving a f--k about who they are and how they feel mean that you are not relationship material-[/b]-as a partner, parent, friend, sibling, child, relative--and frankly, the reasons why are kind of irrelevant.

So for all of the ASD apologists out there, I'm just going to say that if your argument is that this is how people with ASD are and everyone else has to accept it, then my response is that they don't deserve the investment of a relationship.

That said, OP, are you sure that your spouse is on the spectrum and not a Cluster B covert NPD a-hole? [/quote]

Spot on.

Great final question too.

From 2013-2015 upon arrival of child 1 I wondered if my aspie spouse was passive aggressive, a narcissistic, a misogynist, hated me, adhd, or all of the above.
Then he really fell off the ledge with child 2 and checked out of home life entirely, hiding behind office work. Yet putting on an instant, yet fake, show for others.

He got tested and diagnosed when he couldn’t remember basic convos or decisions we had to make together. Yet never together, he actively avoids making any decisions outside of work.

Then we were told to read about autism and get treatment. He shows up, nods, agrees to some baby steps- month 1: greet family members each morning, month 2: read your personal emails and respond once a week on Thursdays, month 3: spend 10 minutes of 1:1 time a week with each child/ no screens.

He’d agree and then do none of those. He thinks he’s just fine. Yet blows his too many mornings and rages when asked a question or told a reminder. Yet needs so many reminders and help to function as a semi-adult.

So we’re all back to assuming he’s a full blown mentally ill narcissist and misogynist.

He’s unmasked for my parents - we spent over the 3 day limit with them on vacations and during covid vacation house, yelled at them, broken things and flat out lied and hit shards of glass,  denied saying things he said 2 minutes earlier (this is so frightening for me, the kids, them to see and hear) who are very concerned he’s a psychopath.

And definitely not marriage material. [/quote]

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