How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer the original question…….YOU DON’T! You move the heck on! For your sanity’s sake.

This is THE bottom line.

They relegated themselves to the sidelines of life. Leave them there. Create your boundaries. Don’t bail them out. Don’t let them parentify the kids, especially daughters. Get therapy for the kids and yourself how to cope, set boundaries, and never rely on the ASD parent or spouse for anything. Set up with will and POA accordingly. They will never advocate for you or the children, they will freeze and be overwhelmed and continue to loathe talking or interacting with actual people. Unless about their safe space, lecturing about work or school matter.

They don’t mean what they say, and they rarely do what they say.




Divorce when t strong and ready.

PP can you talk a little more about what you mean by parentify the children? Do you have examples of what this looked like?

[Anonymous]

What are tips for living with this type of person. I dont want to share custody but I cannot live in this house much longer. He’s so miserable to be around.

[Anonymous]

Question for the PPs who are complaining about their ASD husbands - do you have jobs and careers of your own? Because this it's hard to imagine someone with a fulfulling life complaining about this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for the PPs who are complaining about their ASD husbands - do you have jobs and careers of your own? Because this it's hard to imagine someone with a fulfulling life complaining about this stuff.

Do you think marriage is purely a transactional arrangement without emotional connection?

That's very Hapsburg of youm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer the original question…….YOU DON’T! You move the heck on! For your sanity’s sake.

This is THE bottom line.

They relegated themselves to the sidelines of life. Leave them there. Create your boundaries. Don’t bail them out. Don’t let them parentify the kids, especially daughters. Get therapy for the kids and yourself how to cope, set boundaries, and never rely on the ASD parent or spouse for anything. Set up with will and POA accordingly. They will never advocate for you or the children, they will freeze and be overwhelmed and continue to loathe talking or interacting with actual people. Unless about their safe space, lecturing about work or school matter.

They don’t mean what they say, and they rarely do what they say.




Divorce when t strong and ready.

PP can you talk a little more about what you mean by parentify the children? Do you have examples of what this looked like?

Parentifying is a subjective term that means making children do tasks that adults should be doing instead.

Like cooking meals for the whole family and raising siblings, while the adults don't take care of the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for the PPs who are complaining about their ASD husbands - do you have jobs and careers of your own? Because this it's hard to imagine someone with a fulfulling life complaining about this stuff.

Yes. I am a litigator. It still is a pain in the — to come home to a house filled with someone who is miserable to be around.

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP who was complaining. It’s actually worse when the rest of your life is fulfilling bc you dread being home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their brain and wiring never fully developed; they can’t connection with fully developed brains.

Leave them alone to their one obsession, hopefully they make some income off of it to pay for a cook, maid, mom, planner, shopper, doctor, dentist, nanny, driver, etc.

And what of the brain development of someone so stunted that they date and marry someone like this? Never outgrew toddlerhood, clinging to any man who provides attention or toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for the PPs who are complaining about their ASD husbands - do you have jobs and careers of your own? Because this it's hard to imagine someone with a fulfulling life complaining about this stuff.

Yes. I am a litigator. It still is a pain in the — to come home to a house filled with someone who is miserable to be around.

If someone is miserable to be around, that's a cause of action. Having ASD is not a cause of action. Your own situation prob doesn't fit the mold, but the inevitable recurring my-dh-has-asd thread always sounds to me like sahm depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their brain and wiring never fully developed; they can’t connection with fully developed brains.

Leave them alone to their one obsession, hopefully they make some income off of it to pay for a cook, maid, mom, planner, shopper, doctor, dentist, nanny, driver, etc.

And what of the brain development of someone so stunted that they date and marry someone like this? Never outgrew toddlerhood, clinging to any man who provides attention or toys.

I think it's more naivete. A lot of these people come across as very stable, hardworking, kind, interesting and are able to maintain that facade of control till life gets overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.

Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.

+1. I have a very high IQ kid with ASD and there is no chance he could even for ten minutes fool anyone into thinking he is NT. And while as his mom I think he has charms, I don't think 'charming' is the word people would reach for to describe him. Nor any of the other kids we know with this dx. What the posters are describing seems 100% different, like they have coopted the term to describe bad husbands.

I remember telling the middle school psychologist, before I’d heard of HFA, that I thought that I had something similar to autism but not as severe, such that I had some empathy but little ability to give the emotional responses or other nonverbal clues others expected.

Maybe a lot of the spouses described here also have some autism-like communication difficulty that’s not actually autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for the PPs who are complaining about their ASD husbands - do you have jobs and careers of your own? Because this it's hard to imagine someone with a fulfulling life complaining about this stuff.

Tell me you’re ignorant by not saying you’re ignorant.

The more normal people, career and fulfilling life you have, the more the anti social, rude ASD person sticks out.

So yes you can “accept” that’s all they have to offer, but you don’t have to accept that as normal nor what you signed up for in a life partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their brain and wiring never fully developed; they can’t connection with fully developed brains.

Leave them alone to their one obsession, hopefully they make some income off of it to pay for a cook, maid, mom, planner, shopper, doctor, dentist, nanny, driver, etc.

And what of the brain development of someone so stunted that they date and marry someone like this? Never outgrew toddlerhood, clinging to any man who provides attention or toys.

I think as more people learn about high functioning autism symptoms, the less will fall for the book smart, boyish, loner HFA person. Even if they are the current hyper interest and getting love bombed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.

Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.

+1. I have a very high IQ kid with ASD and there is no chance he could even for ten minutes fool anyone into thinking he is NT. And while as his mom I think he has charms, I don't think 'charming' is the word people would reach for to describe him. Nor any of the other kids we know with this dx. What the posters are describing seems 100% different, like they have coopted the term to describe bad husbands.

I remember telling the middle school psychologist, before I’d heard of HFA, that I thought that I had something similar to autism but not as severe, such that I had some empathy but little ability to give the emotional responses or other nonverbal clues others expected.

Maybe a lot of the spouses described here also have some autism-like communication difficulty that’s not actually autism.

If you actually read up on HFA, NT/AS relationships, masking, and chronic symptoms, you’d know that HFAs often team up with high exec functioning, type A empaths who give the HFA the benefit of the doubt. Until the pattern really emerges, usually post kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.

Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.

+1. I have a very high IQ kid with ASD and there is no chance he could even for ten minutes fool anyone into thinking he is NT. And while as his mom I think he has charms, I don't think 'charming' is the word people would reach for to describe him. Nor any of the other kids we know with this dx. What the posters are describing seems 100% different, like they have coopted the term to describe bad husbands.

I remember telling the middle school psychologist, before I’d heard of HFA, that I thought that I had something similar to autism but not as severe, such that I had some empathy but little ability to give the emotional responses or other nonverbal clues others expected.

Maybe a lot of the spouses described here also have some autism-like communication difficulty that’s not actually autism.

Maybe. That probably describes me being both more empathetic and thrn less empathetic in different situations than others. I wouldn't say other people I've met are the same though. There are a lot of neurodiverse people. I think I read 60 percent of people are actually neurodiverse so more than half. So some people are putting up better with various neurodiverse traits or people with trauma and depending on how they view those issues they might have different reactions. Also at different times in life people behave differently. Often the brains of people change from the 20s to the 30s to the 40s to the 50s.