Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Op here.

I agree with the PPs. My standards are high and they always have been. My emotion of the day is all of a sudden this overwhelming feeling over empowerment that I can do hard things. (Which I'm sure will change as rapidly as the rest of the emotional rollercoaster has).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Just making this my diary at this point.

The universe threw me a bone. I walked into the coffee shop and sat down and at the table next to me was my favorite high school teacher. One of the kindest, wisest people I've ever come in contact with, but haven't seen in 20 years. I've just been sitting here for an hour listening to him give his sage life advice to the person he is sitting with. Reminding me there's a lot of world out there.

Love this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I agree with the PPs. My standards are high and they always have been. My emotion of the day is all of a sudden this overwhelming feeling over empowerment that I can do hard things. (Which I'm sure will change as rapidly as the rest of the emotional rollercoaster has).

It will, but now you know that you have this available. Which is good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when my now Ex cheated, there were a lot of people who encouraged me to “work” on the marriage or “save” the marriage. What I realized only in hindsight is that I had no control over whether the marriage could be saved, just like I had no control over my then DH’s decision to behave in ways that blew up the marriage.

Only your husband can save this marriage. Does he tell everything and not trickle truth you? Is he permanently transparent and accountable? Does he do individual therapy? Does he consider your best interest above his - recalibrating home and work responsibility to be equal parenting and household partners and supporting you to become an equal financial earner in case you do end up splitting up?

You can’t force him to do those things, nor is it all that valuable to ask. You should be considering your own interests first and foremost and expecting him to meet them. He should be willing to sign a post-nup that is favorable to you financially if you stay. You should no longer be making any kind of SAHM or downshift in career decisions since your DH proved he cannot be trusted to prioritize your relationship. Sacrificing yourself for the benefit of his career with the idea that the two of you are a permanent unit should no longer be on the table.

You should also explicitly renegotiate monogamy. He cheated. He no longer has a right to expect you to be monogamous nor to expect sex from you if what you had initially bargained for was monogamy. His cheating brings you back to step 1 of dating, where you are evaluating his behavior and deciding what if any kind of sexual relationship you want from him moving forward. Take your time with this. Sex with someone you don’t trust and who isn’t being honest with you can create further trauma. Maybe you as a couple can get back to a sexual relationship built on truth and mutual consent or maybe not.

His behaviors will largely determine all of this. Meanwhile, you take care of you. Get an individual therapist and prioritize building a life of your own, so that if he does nog take adequate steps over time, you have built an independent life with or without him.

Agree. The balance of power has shifted. You hold all of it now. Your terms. Sit back and watch what he does and what he offers and how he acts. Keep your boundaries strong.

If there was a balance impower prior, you bending over backward more to appease him/make his life easier, that is over. If he wants in this marriage, he will be doing 100% now and for the foreseeable future.

Only if OP has a job equal to her husband and can support herself during a divorce.

That doesn't make sense. A man with a lower/non-earning spouse is even more worried about how much he has to pay in a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I agree with the PPs. My standards are high and they always have been. My emotion of the day is all of a sudden this overwhelming feeling over empowerment that I can do hard things. (Which I'm sure will change as rapidly as the rest of the emotional rollercoaster has).

I've read this since your first post. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. My world fell apart 30 years ago and I never thought we would be where we are today. It was raw, humiliating and debilitating for a good 2 years. My husband did all the right things after but we lived as roommates for a very long time. I had a newborn and 6 year old, did work outside the home but we were just getting by at the time.
We attending therapy individually and together for a very long time. I came to realize that we should have been in therapy much sooner. We were so young and immature, married at 21 but met when I was 15. He was a douche back then but did a complete 180 in order to keep our family together. Thinking back, it's hard to remember those few years. Hopefully, if you decide to stay (or if not), all the pain will be replaced with happier memories.

I'm not advocating leaving or staying. My experience is only mine and yours will be yours. We were able to come out stronger and I have been appreciated and loved the way I deserve but it could have gone a much different way had he not grown up immediately, I do regret that my daughters know and even though they don't say it, they have to feel a certain way about what he did and my decision to stay.

Hugs from afar. You have been in my thoughts often the last few days.

[Anonymous]

^ just curious. If your kid were a newborn and 6-year old, how do they know about this affair?

I’ve been through it and also have a success story. I never plan to tell my sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I agree with the PPs. My standards are high and they always have been. My emotion of the day is all of a sudden this overwhelming feeling over empowerment that I can do hard things. (Which I'm sure will change as rapidly as the rest of the emotional rollercoaster has).

I've read this since your first post. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. My world fell apart 30 years ago and I never thought we would be where we are today. It was raw, humiliating and debilitating for a good 2 years. My husband did all the right things after but we lived as roommates for a very long time. I had a newborn and 6 year old, did work outside the home but we were just getting by at the time.
We attending therapy individually and together for a very long time. I came to realize that we should have been in therapy much sooner. We were so young and immature, married at 21 but met when I was 15. He was a douche back then but did a complete 180 in order to keep our family together. Thinking back, it's hard to remember those few years. Hopefully, if you decide to stay (or if not), all the pain will be replaced with happier memories.

I'm not advocating leaving or staying. My experience is only mine and yours will be yours. We were able to come out stronger and I have been appreciated and loved the way I deserve but it could have gone a much different way had he not grown up immediately, I do regret that my daughters know and even though they don't say it, they have to feel a certain way about what he did and my decision to stay.

Hugs from afar. You have been in my thoughts often the last few days.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so glad it worked out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ just curious. If your kid were a newborn and 6-year old, how do they know about this affair?

I’ve been through it and also have a success story. I never plan to tell my sons.

I never planned to….they have a younger half sister and I have a much loved 3rd daughter. It was eventually unavoidable. I saw where people said to be careful who you shared with. I never planned to have to share with our whole world. None of this was her fault, and I wanted her to be a part of our family. When this first came out, my husband had zero expectations as to what things would look like. Most of our circle knew everything quickly and you know how this type of news spreads, even bf there was social media. God, I’m thankful things couldn’t be blasted for every acquaintance to see and judge. Even 30 years later, I had trouble sharing this anonymously with total strangers. Hugs to you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just curious. If your kid were a newborn and 6-year old, how do they know about this affair?

I’ve been through it and also have a success story. I never plan to tell my sons.

I never planned to….they have a younger half sister and I have a much loved 3rd daughter. It was eventually unavoidable. I saw where people said to be careful who you shared with. I never planned to have to share with our whole world. None of this was her fault, and I wanted her to be a part of our family. When this first came out, my husband had zero expectations as to what things would look like. Most of our circle knew everything quickly and you know how this type of news spreads, even bf there was social media. God, I’m thankful things couldn’t be blasted for every acquaintance to see and judge. Even 30 years later, I had trouble sharing this anonymously with total strangers. Hugs to you too.

This is true love. Not everyone can achieve this level of enlightenment but it's something we all strive for. Your husband and daughters are so lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just curious. If your kid were a newborn and 6-year old, how do they know about this affair?

I’ve been through it and also have a success story. I never plan to tell my sons.

I never planned to….they have a younger half sister and I have a much loved 3rd daughter. It was eventually unavoidable. I saw where people said to be careful who you shared with. I never planned to have to share with our whole world. None of this was her fault, and I wanted her to be a part of our family. When this first came out, my husband had zero expectations as to what things would look like. Most of our circle knew everything quickly and you know how this type of news spreads, even bf there was social media. God, I’m thankful things couldn’t be blasted for every acquaintance to see and judge. Even 30 years later, I had trouble sharing this anonymously with total strangers. Hugs to you too.

This is true love. Not everyone can achieve this level of enlightenment but it's something we all strive for. Your husband and daughters are so lucky to have you.

Oh, I wasn't following. You mean that the half-sister was the result of the affair, right?

I agree that you have to be pretty evolved to get there emotionally, but there's a family of well-loved people there to be thankful that you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just curious. If your kid were a newborn and 6-year old, how do they know about this affair?

I’ve been through it and also have a success story. I never plan to tell my sons.

I never planned to….they have a younger half sister and I have a much loved 3rd daughter. It was eventually unavoidable. I saw where people said to be careful who you shared with. I never planned to have to share with our whole world. None of this was her fault, and I wanted her to be a part of our family. When this first came out, my husband had zero expectations as to what things would look like. Most of our circle knew everything quickly and you know how this type of news spreads, even bf there was social media. God, I’m thankful things couldn’t be blasted for every acquaintance to see and judge. Even 30 years later, I had trouble sharing this anonymously with total strangers. Hugs to you too.

This is true love. Not everyone can achieve this level of enlightenment but it's something we all strive for. Your husband and daughters are so lucky to have you.

Oh, I wasn't following. You mean that the half-sister was the result of the affair, right?

Yes, she was born Christmas Day. It’s definitely not been all smooth sailing but I can honestly say that I don’t regret my decision. It would’ve been helpful back then to be able to see the future though. I didn’t feel evolved at all, just terrified.

[Anonymous]

Still remember the pain of those early days. You will get through this, OP, whatever you decide.

I divorced after cheating. I will say, glad I’m not married to my former spouse, but hate divorced life every day for my kid. Constant back and forth, difficult relationship with new step-parent, divided holidays, 50% of my time with my kid gone. Terrible for the kid, and still a constant source of angst for me, many years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Still remember the pain of those early days. You will get through this, OP, whatever you decide.

I divorced after cheating. I will say, glad I’m not married to my former spouse, but hate divorced life every day for my kid. Constant back and forth, difficult relationship with new step-parent, divided holidays, 50% of my time with my kid gone. Terrible for the kid, and still a constant source of angst for me, many years later.

I want to be really clear that I’m not saying staying married is always better than the divorce situation described here - absolutely sometimes it’s hard to be divorced with kids AND it’s still better than staying with your spouse. But what PP describes here is why I stayed. In my particular situation, I decided staying and working it out as best we could was better than the description of divorced life here. That’s why I say to people in this situation to think really hard before making any decisions. With kids, you do not have the option to draw a line and ride off happily into a new life without the ex. Your choice is basically what PP describes above or staying with a spouse who has cheated. Only you can say which is better, but neither is great, at least for a little while.

[Anonymous]

Just let it go. Being divorced sucks. Dating 40+ sucks, too.

I read in another topic a few months ago in this forum even Paulina Porizkova who is a supermodel thinks dating “sucks” in her 50s. She’s right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just let it go. Being divorced sucks. Dating 40+ sucks, too.

I read in another topic a few months ago in this forum even Paulina Porizkova who is a supermodel thinks dating “sucks” in her 50s. She’s right.

If you stay, you don't have to let it go. It is a major betrayal and trauma inflicted knowingly, over and over again, by your own spouse. If you choose, you can offer your spouse a chance at reconciliation, but the wound is something that needs to be tended to and healed. You can't just pretend it never happened.

I stayed because, ultimately, I wanted to. I loved my husband and our life together and I assessed his ability to get to where I needed him to be to be fairly high. That doesn't mean there were any guarantees. You often read about "false reconciliation" where the spouse promises the affair is over or the massage parlor trips have stopped or whatever, only that's a lie. Even if your reconciliation isn't false, you might have a spouse who isn't motivated to change and wants to sweep it under the rug. But if you have two people who are committed to working on themselves and the relationship, then yes, you can stay together and keep your family intact. But really the first question is, Do I want to? And OP may not want to. She gets to decide.