Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

I would be worried that you found out about the crazy one....because she's crazy. There could be several other randos out there that never got attached.

[Anonymous]

OP I just want to send hugs. You did nothing to deserve the bomb that went off in your marriage, but unfortunately you are going to have to deal with some of the fallout. Its very good that he's done what he's done so far. It also does not obligate you in any way. Like everyone else says, you probably shouldn't (and dont need to) decide anything now. Your feelings will change a million times over in the coming months.

It sounds to me like (outside of the one physical affair) this was an exciting secret fantasy, an emotional outlet, an addiction that at some level he never admitted to himself was a real threat to your marriage because he wanted it both ways. Wanted the happy family and loving wife and the secret fling. As long as she was plane rides away he could continue to play with fire. Not saying this to excuse it in any way, its just my analysis of the situation. Its a horrible betrayal of trust, time, energy andmost of all, makes you question how well you really know your spouse. That would be the hardest for me--to really wonder what else is/isnt true.

My dearest hope for you is that the two of you manage to rebuild an even better stronger marriage and family, one in which you are unconditionally loved, immensely valued and given absolutely honesty and in which you and your children are secure emotionally, physically and financially and that this horror becomes the crucible from which your spouse emerges as a better man. that may happen, that may not, and you may feel, even if everything is "better"that what you have is irreparably broken. That's your prerogative. But it sounds to me like you are going to be okay, no matter what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage certainly seems like one worth saving - especially given the fact that he has been so open about it, didn’t try to gaslight you, and has shown true regret.

Plus, she is clearly quite psycho; like - I am getting “boiled pet rabbit in a pot” vibes off her. That’s no excuse for what he did of course. But it is an undeniable factor in it all.

I disagree.

Difference between non-married couple and married couple is the vow you make to each other.

Save all documents and plan ahead in case you go down the divorce path, so that you have the best case for child custody and asset division. Hugs to you OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, when my now Ex cheated, there were a lot of people who encouraged me to “work” on the marriage or “save” the marriage. What I realized only in hindsight is that I had no control over whether the marriage could be saved, just like I had no control over my then DH’s decision to behave in ways that blew up the marriage.

Only your husband can save this marriage. Does he tell everything and not trickle truth you? Is he permanently transparent and accountable? Does he do individual therapy? Does he consider your best interest above his - recalibrating home and work responsibility to be equal parenting and household partners and supporting you to become an equal financial earner in case you do end up splitting up?

You can’t force him to do those things, nor is it all that valuable to ask. You should be considering your own interests first and foremost and expecting him to meet them. He should be willing to sign a post-nup that is favorable to you financially if you stay. You should no longer be making any kind of SAHM or downshift in career decisions since your DH proved he cannot be trusted to prioritize your relationship. Sacrificing yourself for the benefit of his career with the idea that the two of you are a permanent unit should no longer be on the table.

You should also explicitly renegotiate monogamy. He cheated. He no longer has a right to expect you to be monogamous nor to expect sex from you if what you had initially bargained for was monogamy. His cheating brings you back to step 1 of dating, where you are evaluating his behavior and deciding what if any kind of sexual relationship you want from him moving forward. Take your time with this. Sex with someone you don’t trust and who isn’t being honest with you can create further trauma. Maybe you as a couple can get back to a sexual relationship built on truth and mutual consent or maybe not.

His behaviors will largely determine all of this. Meanwhile, you take care of you. Get an individual therapist and prioritize building a life of your own, so that if he does nog take adequate steps over time, you have built an independent life with or without him.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Just making this my diary at this point.

The universe threw me a bone. I walked into the coffee shop and sat down and at the table next to me was my favorite high school teacher. One of the kindest, wisest people I've ever come in contact with, but haven't seen in 20 years. I've just been sitting here for an hour listening to him give his sage life advice to the person he is sitting with. Reminding me there's a lot of world out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be worried that you found out about the crazy one....because she's crazy. There could be several other randos out there that never got attached.

Sadly, I agree that over time, OP is going to have to ask the DH whether there have been other women. He's apparently given her full access to all his communcations with this one woman, but it is a fair and necessary question to ask if he has had sex with others, since he let his guard down enough with this one to sleep with her.

I note that OP says the sex, which he says happened only once, occurred when he was on work travel. If he's continued to travel for work she needs him to talk about not just this nutcase woman and all her communications, but whether his work travel has involved other one night stands. It would be easy to focus just on "Well, whew, it's awful but it's a relief that he came clean about this one woman" and, focusing on just that, not ask him if he's had others who just didn't follow up with incessant contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when my now Ex cheated, there were a lot of people who encouraged me to “work” on the marriage or “save” the marriage. What I realized only in hindsight is that I had no control over whether the marriage could be saved, just like I had no control over my then DH’s decision to behave in ways that blew up the marriage.

Only your husband can save this marriage. Does he tell everything and not trickle truth you? Is he permanently transparent and accountable? Does he do individual therapy? Does he consider your best interest above his - recalibrating home and work responsibility to be equal parenting and household partners and supporting you to become an equal financial earner in case you do end up splitting up?

You can’t force him to do those things, nor is it all that valuable to ask. You should be considering your own interests first and foremost and expecting him to meet them. He should be willing to sign a post-nup that is favorable to you financially if you stay. You should no longer be making any kind of SAHM or downshift in career decisions since your DH proved he cannot be trusted to prioritize your relationship. Sacrificing yourself for the benefit of his career with the idea that the two of you are a permanent unit should no longer be on the table.

You should also explicitly renegotiate monogamy. He cheated. He no longer has a right to expect you to be monogamous nor to expect sex from you if what you had initially bargained for was monogamy. His cheating brings you back to step 1 of dating, where you are evaluating his behavior and deciding what if any kind of sexual relationship you want from him moving forward. Take your time with this. Sex with someone you don’t trust and who isn’t being honest with you can create further trauma. Maybe you as a couple can get back to a sexual relationship built on truth and mutual consent or maybe not.

His behaviors will largely determine all of this. Meanwhile, you take care of you. Get an individual therapist and prioritize building a life of your own, so that if he does nog take adequate steps over time, you have built an independent life with or without him.

Agree. The balance of power has shifted. You hold all of it now. Your terms. Sit back and watch what he does and what he offers and how he acts. Keep your boundaries strong.

If there was a balance impower prior, you bending over backward more to appease him/make his life easier, that is over. If he wants in this marriage, he will be doing 100% now and for the foreseeable future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be worried that you found out about the crazy one....because she's crazy. There could be several other randos out there that never got attached.

Sadly, I agree that over time, OP is going to have to ask the DH whether there have been other women. He's apparently given her full access to all his communcations with this one woman, but it is a fair and necessary question to ask if he has had sex with others, since he let his guard down enough with this one to sleep with her.

I note that OP says the sex, which he says happened only once, occurred when he was on work travel. If he's continued to travel for work she needs him to talk about not just this nutcase woman and all her communications, but whether his work travel has involved other one night stands. It would be easy to focus just on "Well, whew, it's awful but it's a relief that he came clean about this one woman" and, focusing on just that, not ask him if he's had others who just didn't follow up with incessant contact.

Ummm...are there others? Would have been a first question for me. And having access to everything means she can dig and look for herself. Yes- some of that evidence may be gone.

But, my stipulation would be: everything out on the table now. Everything. If I find out anything you didn't reveal later on, I'm done. This is your chance for full 100% transparency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be worried that you found out about the crazy one....because she's crazy. There could be several other randos out there that never got attached.

Sadly, I agree that over time, OP is going to have to ask the DH whether there have been other women. He's apparently given her full access to all his communcations with this one woman, but it is a fair and necessary question to ask if he has had sex with others, since he let his guard down enough with this one to sleep with her.

I note that OP says the sex, which he says happened only once, occurred when he was on work travel. If he's continued to travel for work she needs him to talk about not just this nutcase woman and all her communications, but whether his work travel has involved other one night stands. It would be easy to focus just on "Well, whew, it's awful but it's a relief that he came clean about this one woman" and, focusing on just that, not ask him if he's had others who just didn't follow up with incessant contact.

Ummm...are there others? Would have been a first question for me. And having access to everything means she can dig and look for herself. Yes- some of that evidence may be gone.

But, my stipulation would be: everything out on the table now. Everything. If I find out anything you didn't reveal later on, I'm done. This is your chance for full 100% transparency.

I'm actually agreeing with you. But she can dig all she likes and I'd wager other contacts are long gone, if there were just one night stands; he has all this communication from the one woman because she's nuts. I wasn't saying OP should wait to ask if there have been others, I just meant that right now, today, OP is likely in a bit of a fog coping with the reams of texts from this one woman and possibly hasn't yet considered, or asked, about others over the years.

I also think OP needs to consider: While it's now useful that he kept ALL this communication, since it's evidence of what happened, it's also rather telling; maybe he kept it to look back at it and stroke his own ego. He needs a ton of serious therapy to work on why his ego needed this. It isn't going to be all about "she's crazy and I just humored her to keep her from getting crazier or contacting you or our families." There's some kind of ego boost there whether he admits it to himself or not, and that has to be dealt with big time or someday he'll look for other ego boosts.

[Anonymous]

Up to you, OP, you are in control now, but I agree with others, he is a cheater, but this is not an emotional affair, and seems more like damage control. It appears, if you wanted to give it a go, that a post-nup and counseling would be the way to salvage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be worried that you found out about the crazy one....because she's crazy. There could be several other randos out there that never got attached.

Sadly, I agree that over time, OP is going to have to ask the DH whether there have been other women. He's apparently given her full access to all his communcations with this one woman, but it is a fair and necessary question to ask if he has had sex with others, since he let his guard down enough with this one to sleep with her.

I note that OP says the sex, which he says happened only once, occurred when he was on work travel. If he's continued to travel for work she needs him to talk about not just this nutcase woman and all her communications, but whether his work travel has involved other one night stands. It would be easy to focus just on "Well, whew, it's awful but it's a relief that he came clean about this one woman" and, focusing on just that, not ask him if he's had others who just didn't follow up with incessant contact.

Ummm...are there others? Would have been a first question for me. And having access to everything means she can dig and look for herself. Yes- some of that evidence may be gone.

But, my stipulation would be: everything out on the table now. Everything. If I find out anything you didn't reveal later on, I'm done. This is your chance for full 100% transparency.

I'm actually agreeing with you. But she can dig all she likes and I'd wager other contacts are long gone, if there were just one night stands; he has all this communication from the one woman because she's nuts. I wasn't saying OP should wait to ask if there have been others, I just meant that right now, today, OP is likely in a bit of a fog coping with the reams of texts from this one woman and possibly hasn't yet considered, or asked, about others over the years.

I also think OP needs to consider: While it's now useful that he kept ALL this communication, since it's evidence of what happened, it's also rather telling; maybe he kept it to look back at it and stroke his own ego. He needs a ton of serious therapy to work on why his ego needed this. It isn't going to be all about "she's crazy and I just humored her to keep her from getting crazier or contacting you or our families." There's some kind of ego boost there whether he admits it to himself or not, and that has to be dealt with big time or someday he'll look for other ego boosts.

I'm pp. I agree. With men like this, it is the ego validation. 100% need for this external validation. Individual therapy seriously needed. Pretty much all affairs stem out of low self-esteem (even the people that project/portray bravado in every day life).

[Anonymous]

To the "not an emotional affair" PP - in the sense that it's very unlikely he was in love with her yes. But OP's husband made the choice to continue communication with this woman, every day, sometimes talking for hours. Instead of spending quality time with his wife.

I just hate the way affairs are often portrayed as it being all because of the crazy conniving OW and the poor man had no agency. I did she that she was basically blackmailing him, and maybe he would have cut it off if she hadn't done that, maybe not. But he also sounded like he was giving her a lot more than the minimum just to appease her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when my now Ex cheated, there were a lot of people who encouraged me to “work” on the marriage or “save” the marriage. What I realized only in hindsight is that I had no control over whether the marriage could be saved, just like I had no control over my then DH’s decision to behave in ways that blew up the marriage.

Only your husband can save this marriage. Does he tell everything and not trickle truth you? Is he permanently transparent and accountable? Does he do individual therapy? Does he consider your best interest above his - recalibrating home and work responsibility to be equal parenting and household partners and supporting you to become an equal financial earner in case you do end up splitting up?

You can’t force him to do those things, nor is it all that valuable to ask. You should be considering your own interests first and foremost and expecting him to meet them. He should be willing to sign a post-nup that is favorable to you financially if you stay. You should no longer be making any kind of SAHM or downshift in career decisions since your DH proved he cannot be trusted to prioritize your relationship. Sacrificing yourself for the benefit of his career with the idea that the two of you are a permanent unit should no longer be on the table.

You should also explicitly renegotiate monogamy. He cheated. He no longer has a right to expect you to be monogamous nor to expect sex from you if what you had initially bargained for was monogamy. His cheating brings you back to step 1 of dating, where you are evaluating his behavior and deciding what if any kind of sexual relationship you want from him moving forward. Take your time with this. Sex with someone you don’t trust and who isn’t being honest with you can create further trauma. Maybe you as a couple can get back to a sexual relationship built on truth and mutual consent or maybe not.

His behaviors will largely determine all of this. Meanwhile, you take care of you. Get an individual therapist and prioritize building a life of your own, so that if he does nog take adequate steps over time, you have built an independent life with or without him.

Agree. The balance of power has shifted. You hold all of it now. Your terms. Sit back and watch what he does and what he offers and how he acts. Keep your boundaries strong.

If there was a balance impower prior, you bending over backward more to appease him/make his life easier, that is over. If he wants in this marriage, he will be doing 100% now and for the foreseeable future.

Only if OP has a job equal to her husband and can support herself during a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the "not an emotional affair" PP - in the sense that it's very unlikely he was in love with her yes. But OP's husband made the choice to continue communication with this woman, every day, sometimes talking for hours. Instead of spending quality time with his wife.

I just hate the way affairs are often portrayed as it being all because of the crazy conniving OW and the poor man had no agency. I did she that she was basically blackmailing him, and maybe he would have cut it off if she hadn't done that, maybe not. But he also sounded like he was giving her a lot more than the minimum just to appease her.

This right here. The man declined to sit on a balcony and enjoy a glass of wine with his wife, at her invitation *while they were on vacation* so he could sext with this woman for, what, two hours? Last week?

Stop with the “crazy OW” angle, people. The OP’s husband entered this relationship and continued it for THREE YEARS. He’s scared she’d tell his mom? Then he can ‘fess up first. This level of cravenness isn’t a great quality in a life partner.

I hope the universe keeps being kind to you today, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the "not an emotional affair" PP - in the sense that it's very unlikely he was in love with her yes. But OP's husband made the choice to continue communication with this woman, every day, sometimes talking for hours. Instead of spending quality time with his wife.

I just hate the way affairs are often portrayed as it being all because of the crazy conniving OW and the poor man had no agency. I did she that she was basically blackmailing him, and maybe he would have cut it off if she hadn't done that, maybe not. But he also sounded like he was giving her a lot more than the minimum just to appease her.

+1

While it's positive for now that he has given OP access to their past communications, I do hope that OP isn't letting that lull her into any sense of false security about him, either in terms of other possible affairs or one night stands, or in terms of how her DH perceived this relationship with the OW. He KEPT communicating and as PP very rightly notes, "he was giving her a lot more than the minimum" in terms of communication. This wasn't nust texting, it was sexting, and it's hard to imagine she kept up her end of the sexts without some form of egging on from his side. That's going beyond the minimum to appease her, for sure.

There is also still the incontrovertible fact that he got caught--he didn't come clean on his own. He likely will say he was glad to be caught, glad it's out in the open because he's felt so guilty about it, etc., but still: He had to be caught. He'd still be doing it if not for a momentary accident where OP spotted something. He wasn't solely fearful of blackmail -- he was getting something out of this electronic contact too.