Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just curious. If your kid were a newborn and 6-year old, how do they know about this affair?

I’ve been through it and also have a success story. I never plan to tell my sons.

I never planned to….they have a younger half sister and I have a much loved 3rd daughter. It was eventually unavoidable. I saw where people said to be careful who you shared with. I never planned to have to share with our whole world. None of this was her fault, and I wanted her to be a part of our family. When this first came out, my husband had zero expectations as to what things would look like. Most of our circle knew everything quickly and you know how this type of news spreads, even bf there was social media. God, I’m thankful things couldn’t be blasted for every acquaintance to see and judge. Even 30 years later, I had trouble sharing this anonymously with total strangers. Hugs to you too.

This is true love. Not everyone can achieve this level of enlightenment but it's something we all strive for. Your husband and daughters are so lucky to have you.

Oh, I wasn't following. You mean that the half-sister was the result of the affair, right?

Yes, she was born Christmas Day. It’s definitely not been all smooth sailing but I can honestly say that I don’t regret my decision. It would’ve been helpful back then to be able to see the future though. I didn’t feel evolved at all, just terrified.

I'm sure it was terrifying but it was still the highest form of love a human can express, even if there were rocky times. This wasn't the easy, feel-good kind of love. It's making the moral choice to love someone in spite of their flaws.

I'm sure it hasn't been perfect but based on what you've shared it sounds that if you had made the (understandable) decision to divorce, you and everyone in your family would be less content today.

It's really admirable and I want to thank you for sharing. My marriage is strong and there are no trust issues but we have a son with special needs that have progressed over time and some days it's so hard to reconcile the family we have with the one I thought we had. It's not exactly the same situation but some days it does require you to consciously choose love and its helpful for people to see examples of that.

[Anonymous]

I stayed (or let him stay). And the facts were pretty awful. But it seemed worth trying for the family and kids and also to see if dh could do the work and because leaving him where he was (about to lose everything he loved and cared about) and knowing what I knew then about his background (and now know so much more), felt like it would have betrayed my vow “for better and for worse.” This was the “for worse.” But I was deeply trauamatized and only starting to feel much better after 3 plus years and basically a different, non depressed, man with agency, values, moral, character. It was worth the effort but some days I am still in pain or hate him or want to reveal the OW for who she really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks, all. The sexting included pics and videos on both ends. For 3 years. Idk. My head is all over the place. Though I did dress up extra for work today and walk out of the house like a boss to my fav coffee shop

The idea that they sent videos and pictures to each other for 3 years but there wasn’t other physical contact or other women just doesn’t seem possible to me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. What are the dating prospects for an early 30s divorced mom of 2? I'm certainly not considering dating in the near future, but also very much do not want to spend the next couple decades alone. Just something I'm thinking about.

[Anonymous]

I'm really looking forward to my therapy appointment today. I haven't seen my therapist in over 18 months because life was good (I thought). I feel like I'm talking to a girlfriend when I'm with her and I really need that right now. She is 8 years older than me and also has two kids, same sexes and age gap as mine and I've always appreciated the fact that I know she can genuinely relate to and understand the stage of life I'm in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What are the dating prospects for an early 30s divorced mom of 2? I'm certainly not considering dating in the near future, but also very much do not want to spend the next couple decades alone. Just something I'm thinking about.

OP, there are plenty of dating opportunities for you. You’re so young - heck, you could have more kids if you wanted to. There’s absolutely no reason to think that if you divorced now you’d never remarry or find a new partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What are the dating prospects for an early 30s divorced mom of 2? I'm certainly not considering dating in the near future, but also very much do not want to spend the next couple decades alone. Just something I'm thinking about.

Remember you'll get the dregs of men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What are the dating prospects for an early 30s divorced mom of 2? I'm certainly not considering dating in the near future, but also very much do not want to spend the next couple decades alone. Just something I'm thinking about.

OP, there are plenty of dating opportunities for you. You’re so young - heck, you could have more kids if you wanted to. There’s absolutely no reason to think that if you divorced now you’d never remarry or find a new partner.

This is all true. But the other side of that coin is bringing a step parent into your children’s lives is no small feat. And if your DH remarries or even dates, this extra parental figure is someone who will be with your kids (whether it’s visitation or 50/50), and you never know who DH will pick. It’s a layer of complication that shouldn’t be taken lightly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What are the dating prospects for an early 30s divorced mom of 2? I'm certainly not considering dating in the near future, but also very much do not want to spend the next couple decades alone. Just something I'm thinking about.

OP, there are plenty of dating opportunities for you. You’re so young - heck, you could have more kids if you wanted to. There’s absolutely no reason to think that if you divorced now you’d never remarry or find a new partner.

This is all true. But the other side of that coin is bringing a step parent into your children’s lives is no small feat. And if your DH remarries or even dates, this extra parental figure is someone who will be with your kids (whether it’s visitation or 50/50), and you never know who DH will pick. It’s a layer of complication that shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Very true. OTOH, she already knows her DH is capable of a crap-ton of deception, so… I don’t know. Staying with someone like that for the rest of your life, and having that person be your child’s only father figure isn’t ideal, either. Not every man will do that, especially one who’s older and more mature. There are trade-offs to any path, really. My late FIL fathered a child outside their marriage, MIL stayed to give him another chance, and then he ended up having another affair and leaving her.

[Anonymous]

Sorry if this is a thread Jack, but why does it seem like the choice is between divorce and working through things to have an ideal relationship? It seems like lots of married people have mediocre relationships where they are kind but sort of lead parallel lives and find their emotional connections elsewhere. It seems like nobody talks about that as a goal when considering how to go forth after infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Op, if I remember correctly, your kids are very young. So young that if you divorced now, they wouldn’t even remember a before time. I actually think if you were to divorce, it’s better for the kids if you do it while they are as young as possible. You seem to have a great family support system as well.

Hugs to you. This sucks. I haven’t been through it myself, but supported a good friend through the discovery of multiple affairs, the following attempt at reconciliation and now the finalized divorce a couple years later. She is in a much happier place now, and her kids are ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, if I remember correctly, your kids are very young. So young that if you divorced now, they wouldn’t even remember a before time. I actually think if you were to divorce, it’s better for the kids if you do it while they are as young as possible. You seem to have a great family support system as well.

Hugs to you. This sucks. I haven’t been through it myself, but supported a good friend through the discovery of multiple affairs, the following attempt at reconciliation and now the finalized divorce a couple years later. She is in a much happier place now, and her kids are ok.

Yes, this has been on my mind as well. Our oldest is 4.5 so it would be much easier to split now than in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still remember the pain of those early days. You will get through this, OP, whatever you decide.

I divorced after cheating. I will say, glad I’m not married to my former spouse, but hate divorced life every day for my kid. Constant back and forth, difficult relationship with new step-parent, divided holidays, 50% of my time with my kid gone. Terrible for the kid, and still a constant source of angst for me, many years later.

I want to be really clear that I’m not saying staying married is always better than the divorce situation described here - absolutely sometimes it’s hard to be divorced with kids AND it’s still better than staying with your spouse. But what PP describes here is why I stayed. In my particular situation, I decided staying and working it out as best we could was better than the description of divorced life here. That’s why I say to people in this situation to think really hard before making any decisions. With kids, you do not have the option to draw a line and ride off happily into a new life without the ex. Your choice is basically what PP describes above or staying with a spouse who has cheated. Only you can say which is better, but neither is great, at least for a little while.

I think this is an excellent way to look at it. I was never a big therapy person but one thing that really solidified what course I was going to take after the affair was when during a therapy session, my therapist asked me to envision my life in two scenarios. One in which you stay in the marriage, do extensive therapy, live with the betrayal (you will never completely forget it), and try to build something new and hopefully stronger from the aftermath of this horrible event. (This assumes that your partner is willing to take whatever it takes to make you comfortable staying). The second scenario is to look at your life divorced and look at ALL of it--financial consequences, shuffling back and forth, emotional turmoil on kids, would you have to move? Imagine what you are doing on weekends when you don't have the kids, do you have family support close by, true friends to lean on, etc, career. I actually wrote this all out and it was a really helpful exercise.

My therapist said that in some cases her clients were immediately clear about what they wanted to do, with or without the cheating, some marriages were so miserable that even with all the negative consequences of divorce, the clients felt a sense of peace from just envisioning a life without their spouse. Many of these marriages involved chronic cheating, addiction issues, abuse, or just prolonged fighting within the house. This was not the case in my marriage, we were far from perfect before my DH's affair but there was definitely love, peace, and a happy family life overall. Even though my initial instinct was to separate immediately, when I did a real assessment, there was no way I could honestly say that my children would be better off with a divorce in our particular situation. Now, the calculus for me changes of course if this ever happened again or is an unchangeable character flaw. There are no second chances and I have taken steps to protect myself if that was to happen. (post-nup, ramped up career, built separate network).

The point of this long post is really that every situation is truly different. Affairs are an intense source of betrayal and if you had asked me 20 years ago what I would have done, I'd have laughed and said that I had way too much pride and self-respect to stay with a cheater. When you are older and kids are involved, decisions are rarely that simple anymore. Only you can decide with some investigation, introspection, and therapy whether this marriage is worth saving and whether you think something like this would happen again. I'm shocked at how many marriages I know who have been rocked my mid-life affairs. These are not men who seemed like horrible guys or acted like douches with their wives. Some have survived and the couples seem genuinely happen, others divorced and those were really the ones where one of the spouses was unwilling or incapable of changing behavior. Best of luck to you and take care of yourself first during this awful time!

[Anonymous]

Everyone deserves a second chance, but no one deserves a third. Only you know whether this is his first betrayal (and it doesn’t have to be cheating.

As to your question, you are so young and have a good head on your shoulders. You can absolutely rebuild.

[Anonymous]

Question to OP — your husband seems to have done some of the right things. But, has he said he realizes he needs intensive individual therapy? If not, he really doesn’t get it yet. He would have to do some intense individual work to really fundamentally change and not need this ridiculous third party gratification.